


Alignment

by PrincessBunny5000



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alex is a bottom lmao, Alex is in the closet, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bed-Wetting, Coming Out, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Overdosing, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sam has ADHD, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, its kind of dark but i try to keep it light as possible, rated explicit just for some later chapters, slightly jealous sebastian
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-19 11:35:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 86,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22810447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessBunny5000/pseuds/PrincessBunny5000
Summary: Three siblings - Jack, Electra and Sabrina Montgomery, move to the valley after the death of their father, ready to begin life anew. But as they all begin to fall for villagers in the town - Jack for the closeted jock, Electra for the quiet, tortured schoolteacher, and Sabrina for the boy-next-door - they begin to realise that being in love isn't always enough to solve all your problems.
Relationships: Alex/Male Player (Stardew Valley), Penny/Female Player (Stardew Valley), Sam/Female Player (Stardew Valley)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 100





	1. Feelings and Shit (Sam)

‘Screw you, man!’ Sam yells at his dark-haired best friend, who is standing with his pool cue, looking pleased with himself. ‘You definitely cheated!’  
‘I’m just better at it than you, don’t shit yourself.’ Sebastian grins and punches Sam on the shoulder. ‘I definitely won fair and square, didn’t I, Abigail?’  
Abigail laughs, her purple curls shaking at she throws her head back. ‘Sorry, Sam.’  
‘You two are the worst,’ Sam replies, but he’s laughing. ‘Sabrina, what do you think?’  
‘Hmm?’ Sabrina is furiously tapping away at an arcade game, her eyebrows dipped in the middle with concentration. ‘What was that?’  
‘I said, Sebastian definitely cheated, didn’t he?’  
‘Oh, fuck! This game sucks. Stupid Prairie King.’ She turns away from the game and looks at Sam apologetically. ‘Sorry, Sam. I wasn’t watching. But Sebastian is a sneaky bastard, so I wouldn’t be surprised.’  
Sam grins. She was always doing her best to stick up for him, even if he was wrong. He couldn’t figure her out about 90% of the time, but it was for that reason that she fascinated him so much. Every week, he and Sebastian played pool (Sebastian mostly always won, though sometimes he let Sam win just to stop him whining) and Abigail would watch. Now, she had Sabrina to sit with, which Sam was glad about, because as much as she liked hanging out with the boys, Abigail was still a girl and it was nice to see her with a friend that was a girl too.  
Sam should have known that his life would change completely when the farmhouse became occupied again. Some old friend of Lewis’ had died and left it to his three grandchildren, who all moved there together in a little group. Sam remembered pointing it out to Vincent whenever they walked past, telling him funny stories about it that he made up in his head. Now that it was up and running again, crops growing and animals grazing in the fields, Vincent was fascinated by it.  
The eldest was Jack, a strapping lad who towered above most of the villagers at six foot five, with arms and legs built up with muscle, broad shoulders and head of thick dark hair, and the strength of a hundred horses. He was pleasant enough with his big grin, but Sam still admit that he wouldn’t like to get on the wrong side of him. He would see him carrying huge sacks of flour over his shoulders with ease when he was walking to work, and he often helped the mothers with their shopping and when Jas or Vincent were playing up, he would pick them up and whirl them round and round until they squealed.  
The second was Electra, who was tall but not as tall as her brother, with long black hair streaked with blue and a permanent scowl that often made Lewis shake his head when he saw her in town and say, ‘If looks could kill…’ Electra seemed to keep herself to herself mostly, and no one knew much about her except for that she was moody and what Jodi called ‘a classic middle child.’ She seemed to have adapted well to the farmer’s life, however, because she was always selling produce to Pierre and managed to make a good profit from the stingy shopkeeper, leaving with a considerable amount of gold and a cigarette sticking out of her mouth.  
The youngest sibling – she wasn’t that young; she was nineteen, just one year younger than Sam – was Sabrina, short and stocky with long dark hair and an overlong fringe, and dark sparkly eyes that had a look of someone always cooking up some sort of a plan. She seemed to be permanently dressed in a denim boiler suit and muddy boots, and even though she looked a bit cheeky for most of the town bachelors’ liking, she seemed rather sweet. She was always picking up the kids and playing with them for a bit like her brother, popping in on Evelyn to say hello, even waving at Shane in the saloon after he continuously ignored her.  
It had been Sebastian who’d first started talking to her and integrating her into their group. Sam envied the way his best friend talked, always cool as a cucumber and chill and able to get any girl he wanted when they went to clubs in the city. Sam was full of nervous energy, so much so that Sabrina called him her ‘sunshine boy.’  
‘Is your brother going to take you home?’ Sam asked her as she ran a hand through her fringe and put her black baseball cap on her head. He looked over to where Jack was sitting on a table with Willy and Clint, slapping the table and laughing at a joke the fisherman had just told. He had a loud, throaty laugh – a good laugh. Everyone seemed to get on with Jack; no one disliked him. Electra was sitting at the bar with a beer, wearing a band t-shirt and black jeans and her usual scowl, keeping herself to herself as usual.  
‘No, I think he’ll want to stay until closing time.’ Sabrina stretched her arms above her head. ‘Walk me home?’  
‘Sure.’ Sam dropped the pool cue and grabbed his blue Joja hoodie. He leapt at any chance to hang out with Sabrina – sure, it was fun for them to all hang out with each other, but he felt that Sebastian always seemed to try and be the centre of her attention when they did, and when they were by themselves (which was rare) they always talked about the most interesting things and laughed so much, without worrying whether or not Sebastian and Abigail were going to laugh at him. They laughed at him, but they never laughed at Sabrina. She always laughed at the stupid things he said, which made him feel happy, and almost light like a cloud inside.  
‘I can walk you, if you want,’ Sebastian said, delicately rolling a cigarette up between his fingers. ‘I can go straight up to the mountains from the farm.’  
Sam’s heart skipped a beat.  
‘I’m fine with Sam,’ Sabrina said, and he saw her nose twitch slightly. She didn’t like being told what to do when she’d already decided what she was about to do. ‘See you guys tomorrow or something, okay?’  
She gave Abigail a hug and Sebastian a punch on the shoulder and then linked arms with Sam as they made their way towards the saloon door.  
‘You off?’ Jack asked as she slapped her hands on his shoulders from behind to surprise him. He nodded at Sam and grinned, lifting his pint up to him. ‘Thanks for walking her home, mate.’  
They had a funny sort of friendship, Sam supposed. As much as Abigail wanted to believe that she was the most daring of the four of them, she still had only gone into the mine entrance, and hadn’t actually ventured down into the mines at all, but Sabrina had gone down there with her older brother and brought back sparkling gemstones to sell to Gunther for ridiculous amounts of money, though she did give Abigail an amethyst as a sorry present for not taking her with them. She was always muddy and full of energy, but she still wiped her boots on the mat outside before taking them off if she ever came to Sam’s house to watch band practice. He was often in awe of her, and he enjoyed her company, though every now and then he’d look over at her and his heart would beat a little faster, a funny feeling that stretched to the pit of his stomach that he didn’t quite know what to think of. He liked her and her brother, but he wasn’t sure what to think of Electra. She’d never been very friendly towards him – or anyone, really.  
‘Thanks for walking me home,’ she grinned when they reached the farmhouse. ‘I hope I wasn’t too mean to Sebastian. He just never really talks much when we walk anywhere which makes it a little awkward, and I already asked you, so… anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow.’  
‘See you tomorrow, Sabrina.’  
They hugged – it was a friendly hug, and Sam wished he could cling on a little longer, but he let go and just watched her skip up the steps to the farmhouse. She turned around and gave him a little wave before she went inside.  
***  
‘You hang out with that group of weird indie kids a lot,’ Electra said, turning on the kitchen tap and filling a pint glass with water.  
‘Electra, you were the weird indie kid when we were younger,’ Jack tells her, collapsing onto a chair and running a hand through his hair. ‘Fuck. I’m gonna feel those beers in the morning.’  
‘Only Abigail and Sebastian are weird and indie,’ Sabrina replies, putting bread in the toaster and pushing the little lever down. She knows Jack will be hungry after drinking so much – he always is. ‘Sam isn’t. He’s kind of… normal, I guess.’  
‘He fancies the pants off you, kid,’ Electra snorts, which earns her a glare and a slice of bread to the side of the head with alarming force. ‘Fucks sake. You’re a cow.’  
‘No, you’re a cow. He doesn’t. He’s only being friendly,’ Sabrina insists, opening the fridge to get the butter. ‘I’m new, so he’s being nice to me.’  
‘We’ve been here six months! We’re not new anymore! And you can tell, he’ll be hanging out all normal with his little mates and then as soon as you turn up, his face totally changes.’ Electra starts chugging the pint of water, trying to rehydrate her body to lessen the effects of the next day’s hangover. ‘Back me up, Jack.’  
‘Sorry, kid. Electra’s right on this one. Trust me, I know guys. I mean, I am a guy.’  
‘You’re into guys as well.’ Sabrina sticks out her tongue. ‘I hate it when you guys gang up on me, it’s not fair. I’m the youngest. You can make your own stupid toast.’  
‘Hey, hey, that’s mean. It’s not my fault that Blondie’s obsessed with you and it’s not my toast’s fault either.’ Jack grinned at her. ‘I don’t know how to react to the fact that someone’s got a crush on my baby sister.’  
Sabrina snorts. ‘Baby sister? You two are the babies. You’d be fucked without me.’  
There’s a moment of awkward silence, because both older siblings know that she is, in many ways, right. When they’re home drunk, Sabrina feeds and waters them. She feeds and waters them even when they’re sober. The last time Electra attempted to make an omelette, it ended up black as coal, the pan burned through and the entire kitchen filled with smoke, the smoke alarm beeping on and on before Jack managed to find it, stand on a chair and turn it off. The last time Jack attempted to clean the bathroom, he poured neat bleach into a bathtub and it made a horrible stain on the ceramic.  
Neither of them had ever managed to work out how the youngest of the three had become the most sensible one, the one that was somehow able to keep everything together when everything was falling apart. Jack would be the first to admit that while the rest of them dropped like flies, Sabrina was a constant, the one that went tirelessly on and on, papering over the cracks, but Electra would always insist this was why she had always been the ‘favourite’ and that it wasn’t fair.  
‘I’m tired,’ Sabrina announced after the awkward silence, flicking the pieces of toast onto a plate. ‘You can butter the toast yourself, can’t you? See you two in the morning.’  
Despite her ever-so-slightly frosty departure, she pinched Jack on the back of the neck as she left. He laughed his big, loud laugh, rubbing his neck. Electra felt her eyes automatically look away from them, fed up of the small constant reminders that Jack loved Sabrina best, that they were the closest.  
‘Don’t look that way, Electra,’ Jack told her now, pulling himself up from his seat as they heard Sabrina’s bedroom door close. ‘It’s gonna take a while for you two to patch things up.’  
More like a lifetime, Electra added in her head, tipping the glass of water up towards her lips again.

***  
If Sam really thought about it, things started changing between him and Sabrina around the time of the Flower Dance. It was always an awkward affair, but Sam always obliged and wore the traditional powder-blue suit because his mother loved to see him in it and take a million pictures, of him and then Vincent and then Sam and Vincent together. He didn’t suppose there were many other things that made her very happy anymore, so it was the least he could do.  
‘Are you gonna ask anyone to the dance?’ Sam asked Sebastian when they were all hanging out together near the spa so that Sebastian could smoke. For someone who seemed so sure of himself, he sure did seem scared of Robin and Demetrius finding out about his illicit habit.  
‘I don’t know yet,’ his best friend replied, speaking as if he was choosing his words very carefully. He seemed not to notice Abigail’s eyes flick up to his face, because his own eyes slid towards Sabrina for a split-second. It was only for the shortest amount of time, so quick most people would miss it, but Sam had seen it, and he was sure Abigail probably had too. ‘Maybe. What about you?’  
‘I don’t know. Maybe,’ Sam copied. He looked towards Sabrina, who was sitting there in her denim all-in-one, her hair in a long braid down her back, leaning against the wooden wall of the train station, making a daisy chain. He could watch her do that all day, just piercing the daisy stalks carefully with her thumbnail, then threading through another daisy. ‘What about you, Brina?’  
She shrugged. ‘I don’t know, do I? I suppose I’ll just pick on the day.’  
‘You can’t do that! Wait, can you really do that?’  
‘Well, why not?’ She leaned over and draped the daisy chain carefully round Sam’s neck. ‘I can do what I want. There, you look lovely.’  
He gave her the cheesiest grin he could, and she beamed back. It was these moments that he lived for, these moments with her – watching her make daisy chains, eating slices of apple and cheese from a small lunchbox under the tree by his house, talking about all manner of weird and wonderful things, from aliens and what might be down in the sewers, to ghosts and Mayor Lewis’ rumoured purple shorts.  
‘You look stupid,’ Sebastian snorted derisively. Sam knew he didn’t mean it in a nasty way, but he saw Sabrina’s dark eyes flash.  
‘No, you look stupid. You’re smoking wrong.’  
‘What?’ He looked affronted. ‘You can’t smoke wrong.’  
‘Yeah, you can.’ She leaned back against the wood, pressing her lips together. ‘My whole family smoke. You’re doing it wrong. You’re meant to inhale.’  
It was funny – usually, Sam supposed Sebastian came across as fairly charming. He had that kind of mysterious, off-hand air that he figured a lot of girls really went for. He didn’t really understand girls very well, not even Abigail, and he certainly didn’t understand either of the Montgomery girls. Sabrina had a weird way of always taking Sebastian down a peg whenever he said anything that irritated her, and as much as the dark-haired boy was his best friend, he was secretly a little glad because it wasn’t often that a girl spoke to him that way.  
‘The dresses for the Flower Dance are stupid anyway,’ Abigail interjected, attempting to keep the peace between them. Sabrina had started picking daisies again, threading them together a little more aggressively this time. ‘Have you seen them? They look like fucking wedding dresses.’  
‘Well, at least wedding dresses have some form of shape,’ Sabrina scoffed, dark eyebrows raised. ‘I wasn’t even really going to make a big deal of the Flower Dance anyway, but fucking Lewis turned up at the house with two stupid white dresses for Electra and me. You should have seen Electra’s face when he even suggested it! I wouldn’t be surprised if she turned up in jeans and Converse.’ Then she smiled ever so slightly, nudging Abigail with her elbow. ‘He brought one of those blue suits for Jack in the biggest size they had, and he couldn’t even get his arm in! Emily has to make him a brand new one.’  
‘Your brother’s, like, a bodybuilder,’ Sam mused enviously, twiddling the end of the daisy chain between his thumb and forefinger. ‘How’d he get like that?’  
‘Just training. He was in the army.’ She nodded towards him. ‘Like your dad.’  
Sam swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. Kent would be coming home in a year or so, and the thought filled him with a lot of strange feelings that he couldn’t quite make sense of. It wasn’t something he enjoyed thinking about, and as he caught Sabrina’s eye, there was a moment of softness there, a second where she looked like she understood.  
‘Does he get around a lot then? Like, does he shag a load of girls?’ Abigail questioned, leaning back against Sabrina’s shoulder. ‘I mean, not to be rude, but I would.’  
‘You’re so gross, Abby.’ Sabrina pulled a disgusted face, then shrugged her shoulders. ‘I mean, he could if he wanted to. If he wasn’t gay.’  
There was a long silence, in which she could feel Abigail tense against her, and Sebastian’s face dropped. Sam just blinked. It made sense, he supposed. Jack was always holding the door open for Emily and Haley and hanging out in Leah’s cabin with her, and he was always chatting with Miss Penny when Sam went to pick Vincent up from the museum, but he never seemed like he was interested in them. He just had this simple smile, this gentle-giant air about him, as if he just wanted to get along with everyone.  
‘What?’ Sabrina’s sharp voice brought him back to reality. ‘Is there something wrong with that?’  
‘N-no,’ Abigail stammered, attempting to regain composure. ‘Nothing’s wrong with it. But there aren’t any other gay people in the valley.’  
Sabrina raised her eyebrows in a very knowing way, as if she knew otherwise.  
‘The older people might kick off about it,’ Sebastian offered.  
‘They can kick off all they like.’ Sabrina draped the newly-created daisy chain round Abigail’s neck. If anyone else had tried to do that, she would have gone mad and torn it apart, but there was something about Sabrina that sort of made you want her to put a daisy chain round your neck. Sam was secretly glad that he’d gotten the first one, though. ‘There’s more where that came from. My sister’s gay, too. Well, she’s actually bi, but she likes girls a lot more.’  
No one said anything. Sabrina stood up, picking up her straw hat and jamming it on her head. ‘Don’t worry, I’m not gay. You won’t catch anything from us or anything. Do you want to come and have dinner at my house? I’m making chicken parmesan.’  
It took Sam a minute to realise that she was talking directly to him.  
‘Oh, me?’  
‘Yes, you.’ She tapped her foot impatiently. ‘I don’t have enough chicken for everyone though. So ask your mom and see if she’s okay with it?’  
It all seemed to be happening too fast for him to keep up. Abigail and Sebastian were just staring at him as if he’s appeared from nowhere, and Sabrina was standing over him looking extremely disgruntled indeed. He held up a hand to her and she pulled him up from the ground.  
‘Sure. I can text Mom on the way.’ His legs felt wobbly, as if they were made of jelly, and he just gave the other two a pathetic sort of wave before he had to run after her as she was already stalking off towards the village, fists clenched.

‘Are you mad at Sebastian and Abigail?’ Sam asked timidly. He was a little afraid of her, really. For starters, she had a huge brother that could probably snap him in half if he pissed her off, and she always seemed so sure of herself, never afraid to speak her mind. ‘Because you seem mad.’  
‘I’m not mad. It’s just stupid because they’re both acting as if they’re these really hip, cool kids that are totally ahead of the time in Pelican Town, when they’re just as bad. I mean, they’re not homophobes, but they’re not as liberal as they think they are.’ She reached out and linked arms with him. ‘And Sebastian with that fucking cigarette. He’d shit himself if Robin ever found out.’  
‘I guess so.’ Sam was attempting to choose his words carefully, hesitant to badmouth his best friends, but there was some truth in what Sabrina was saying. Sebastian and Abigail fancied themselves as rather progressive, but really they hadn’t ever experienced anything outside of the valley. ‘I mean, I don’t mind that I’m from a small town. It’s all I’ve ever known, right? There’s no shame in it. At least, I don’t think so.’  
‘No, there isn’t.’ Her arm is still linked through his, and their hips keep bumping into each other as they walk. ‘But it’s annoying when people act like they’re something they’re not. I much prefer it here than in the stupid city, anyway. It’s expensive and always busy and it smells. I never really had any friends there either, none of us did. We always stuck together, Jack and Electra and me.’ She turned her head to him and smiled, that very smile that he strived to achieve for himself so often. ‘I have you now, though. And the other two, I suppose.’  
They reached the farmhouse, a cosy rustic wooden building at the back of the farm, Sabrina’s carefully grown flowers in hanging baskets on either side of the door, a large ginger cat curled up at the top of the steps. They’d really turned the place around in six months – where there had been fields overgrown with weeds, there were neat rows upon rows of crops, a coop and a barn, and even a greenhouse that was still in construction by Sebastian’s mother, Robin. There was a stable which housed one rather docile, large chestnut-brown horse named Patrick. Sam often saw Sabrina riding him into town and tethering him outside Pierre’s sometimes with her sister on the horse behind her.  
Electra was sitting on the steps on her phone, a cigarette sticking out of her mouth. Sam had always found her difficult to really talk to, not that he’d had many opportunities to really get to know her at all. She was always looking slightly irritated, and she scared him a little. Jodi didn’t like her much – she was always hurrying Vincent past her as she stood outside the saloon, arms folded and face scowling, a ciggie sticking out of her mouth just like it was now.  
‘Hey, Electra,’ Sabrina called as she ran up the steps and started unlacing her boots at the door. Sam stood there, not really sure what to say. Electra just looked him up and down and gave him a curt nod in recognition. She smirked slightly at him, making him feel incredibly self-conscious.  
‘Hey, Titch,’ Electra replied. She raised her black eyebrows. ‘Guest for dinner?’  
‘Yeah. I invited Sam.’  
‘I see.’  
Sabrina rolled her eyes at Sam from behind her and jerked her head in direction of the door. ‘Come on, don’t just stand there. And I meant it when I said I didn’t have enough chicken for Sebastian and Abigail. I wasn’t just being mean.’  
Sam darted around Electra as she tapped ash onto the ground. There was something about her that was so different from her brother and sister, something he wasn’t sure he liked very much. She just seemed so stand-offish, so difficult. He couldn’t believe that someone like her was so closely related to someone like Sabrina. They didn’t even look that similar – Jack and Sabrina had the same dark hair, the same large brown eyes, but Electra had eyes so blue they seemed as if they’d glow in the dark, and she was startlingly pale compared to the other two.  
‘Just ignore Electra,’ Sabrina told him as she shut the farmhouse door. ‘Don’t take it personally. She’s like that with everyone, honestly.’  
‘She’s… all right,’ Sam said a little lamely, feeling that saying Electra was ‘nice’ was taking it a bit far, even if Sabrina was her sister. ‘I mean, I don’t know her very well, so…’  
‘She’s a right cow at the best of times,’ she snorted, flipping her braids behind her back. ‘Trust me, we argue all the time. I don’t care, though. Can you cook much?’  
Sam looked at her, and she looked back at him, and they both burst into laughter, his a little embarrassed. ‘Sorry. My mom always does everything. Vin and I are a bit spoiled, I suppose.’  
‘It’s okay. We grew up with mostly my dad, but he was a great cook and taught me too, so this family’s all good for now. I’ll teach how to make chicken parmesan and then you can do it at home and really impress your mom, okay?’  
‘Okay.’ Sam grinned at her, his hands behind his back, feeling funny at the prospect at being in her house. ‘I’ll probably mess it up if I tried to make it on my own.’  
‘Don’t be silly, it’s easy. And I can show you the eggplant version too, because Electra is vegetarian.’ She rolls her eyes as she bends to take the chicken out of the fridge. ‘Trust her to make things difficult. Also, I said I didn’t have enough chicken, which is technically very true, but I know it looks like I have a lot of it here, and that’s because Jack will eat literally three pieces at bare minimum. So don’t think I was trying to get rid of them. Though I may have also been doing that.’ She glances up at him and smiles. ‘You’ve still got the daisy chain round your neck, you know.’  
Sam immediately feels his face flush red and his hand flies up to touch the daisy chain. That must have been why Electra was smirking at him. He doesn’t want to throw it away, so he stuffs it as neatly as he can into the pocket of his blue hoodie.  
He has never realised how interesting cooking can actually be. He watches her cover the chicken in flour, then egg, then breadcrumbs (the flaky sort, which she says are called ‘panko’) and then fry them in a pan until they’re a nice golden-brown colour. He watches her make a sauce, sprinkling herbs and salt, and she reminds him of his mother, but almost in a sad sort of way. It seems sad to him that the youngest of all the siblings has to do all the boring things like cooking and cleaning, while the older sister sat outside smoking and not speaking to anybody. He found it hard to concentrate at the best of times, but he liked concentrating on Sabrina.  
‘Hey, kids.’  
The farmhouse door swung open and Jack came inside, big muddy gardening gloves on. The sheer size of him was still a sight to behold, the way his muscles strained at his clothes, the way his shirt tightened at his underarms because it was too small.  
‘How’s my favourite sister and the sunshine boy?’ he asked, shaking his dark hair back from his face and taking the gardening gloves off, throwing them on the side. ‘Making chicken parmesan, I see.’  
‘Uh huh.’ Sabrina shoved the glass dish in the oven and closed the door with a slam. ‘Sam’s staying for dinner, by the way.’  
Jack grinned at him and Sam couldn’t help but grin back – he was so easy to like. You wanted to get along with him. They high-fived and he thought his hand might shatter if Jack was any stronger.  
‘Crops are way more stressful than I ever thought they’d be, even six months in. Weeds are just rife and I don’t know what to do with them. Everything I’ve tried hasn’t really worked and its getting on my fucking nerves.’ He rubbed his face, reaching over Sam to get to the kettle. ‘Anyways. How’s your mom?’  
‘She’s good,’ Sam replied, his hands in his pockets. ‘I think she just can’t wait until my dad comes home. I think she gets lonely, because I got the job at Joja and its summer so even when I’m not working I’m out, and Vincent wants to play with Jas all the time.’  
‘Ah, that’s a shame. That’s what happens though, we all grow up. Unless you’re Electra, of course, the eternal child.’ Jack whips Sabrina with a tea towel and gets a mug from a top cupboard and throws a tea bag in it. ‘Tell Jodi I’ll be over with some veg for her once I’ve managed to get everything growing properly.’  
‘I will.’  
‘You’re a good kid,’ he says, ruffling Sam’s hair as he switches the kettle on. Sam opens his mouth to say that he’s not a kid, but in comparison to Jack, he supposes he is a bit of a kid. Part of him wishes he could be Jack’s brother too, and maybe, just maybe…  
***  
It all happened very quickly after that, so quickly that Sam barely knew what the hell was going on.  
One Saturday morning, Sam rolls over and yanks his curtains closed, shutting out the bright sunlight. He groans and rubs his face, his throat dry. He’d worked a late shift at Joja the night before and he was knackered, unable to sleep half the night anyway.  
‘Sam! Sam!’  
Vincent comes bursting into the room, the door hitting the wall too hard, and leaps onto his bed. He is still in his blue dressing gown and slippers. She tugs at his covers.  
‘Do you remember what day it is?’  
‘No,’ Sam sighs, but looking at Vincent’s eager face he tries to rearrange his face into something a little gentler, and smiles. ‘What day is it?’  
‘It’s the Flower Dance. We’re going, remember?’  
‘Oh, yeah.’ Shit. He’d forgotten about the stupid dance.  
‘Are you going to dress nice?’ he bubbled excitedly.  
He runs his hand through his dishevelled hair. His cowlick sticks right up. He could really do without this today. ‘You’re sure Mom doesn’t want to take you instead?’  
Vincent frowns and tugs his hand between his own two small ones. ‘But you promised.’  
Sam forces himself to smile and tucks his red hair, so like their mother’s, behind his ear. ‘Sure, I promised. Okay, why don’t you go wait for me while I get ready?’  
‘Okay!’ Vincent hops off the bed, and as he’s leaving he turns his head to him and says, ‘Don’t wear those dumb jeans you always wear. Wear nice trousers, okay?’  
Sam quickly showered and dressed, then stood in front of the mirror trying to make his hair lay flatter. He badly needed a shave. He grabbed a paper cup from the bathroom dispenser, filling it with water and downing it.  
Sabrina. He wondered if she’d be there. He tried to imagine her in one those white dresses that the girls all wore, but the image wouldn’t form in his head.  
‘Sam!’ Vincent shouted impatiently, from the other side of the house.  
‘Just a minute!’ he bellowed back. For a boy who could be so shy, he sure had a set of lungs on him.  
***  
Sabrina entered Jodi’s kitchen with a basket hanging on one hand.  
‘Hello!’ Jodi greeted her warmly, hugging her. ‘Is that jam? Come in! Let me go get my handbag.’  
She’d been venturing into making jam, reading through her grandfather’s recipe books and she’d managed strawberry, apricot and salmonberry, the latter of which she was sure would be the stinker of the batch. But Jodi, Marnie and Pierre had put in bids to buy a load, and she was dropping Jodi’s off this morning. She’d been invited to get ready with them for the Flower Dance that morning, and she wondered if this was Sam’s mother’s trying her hand at matchmaking.  
‘Would you like tea or coffee?’ Jodi asked, opening her purse and counting out notes.  
‘Coffee, please,’ Sabrina replied, instantly feeling at home in the cosy rustic kitchen.  
It was like fiction, this hospitality – like a movie, or a storybook. She’d never felt anything like this in the city. In the city, life was divided into people who were friends and people who were strangers. There seemed no such division in the valley. It was more open, more intimate – more human, somehow.  
Jodi put a pot of coffee on and took the jam off her hands, going into a back room to store it. Vincent came running in, dressed in a tiny version of the blue suits that the boys was wearing, his hair still sticking up in all directions. Jodi tried to catch him but to no avail.  
‘Miss Sabrina!’ he yelled. ‘Sam, Miss Sabrina is here!’  
Sam came into the kitchen after his little brother, running a hand self-consciously through his hair, and Sabrina did a double take.  
He was wearing a clean, crisp white shirt tucked neatly into slacks, a belt buckled round his waist to hold in the slight belly he was gaining from all the pizza he’d been eating recently. The suit was powder blue, the traditional colour for boys at the Flower Dance. He felt ridiculous but stopped and held his hands behind his back when he saw Sabrina smiling at him. The white dress suited her, her hair in two braids down her back.  
‘You look so nice, Sam,’ she said, as she picked Vincent up to spin him round. The little boy shrieked with laughter and squished Sabrina’s cheeks between his small hands.  
‘You have a white dress just like Jas!’ he squealed.  
‘We’re matching today!’ Sabrina grinned, shifting him to one hip as Jodi came back into the kitchen. ‘You need a shave, Sam. Go get your razor and everything, I’ll do it for you.’  
There was that face that came up when you tried to tell him what to do or treated him like a baby. It amused her how easily it came out. ‘I can shave myself, you know.’  
Setting Vincent down, Sabrina raised her dark eyebrows. ‘Yeah, nice one. I’ll believe that when I see it. Go get your stuff, I do a good shave. I used to give my dad one once a week.’  
He sloped off in his blue suit, feeling embarrassed that Sabrina thought he was that much of a baby. He picked up his razor, shaving soap and a dish from the bathroom, and stopped momentarily on his way, outside his bedroom. At the last minute, he darted in, grabbed the valentine that he and Vincent had made together, and shoved it in his pocket. It was always painful when he had to shave, because he would see Kent’s shaving kit on the windowsill, gathering dust, and he wondered if he had a beard now or not.  
‘Can you do my hair for me, pleeeeease?’ he heard Vincent asking, and re-entered the kitchen to see Jodi standing there smiling at the two in the kitchen as Sabrina sat the little one on her knee and carefully combed his red hair, taming it with her fingers. ‘You’re better than Sam. He always brushes too quick and pulls the knots.’  
‘Aw, well, I’m sure your Sam tries his best,’ Sabrina replied, patting his head. ‘Boys just aren’t very good at things like hair sometimes.’  
***  
Sam and Sabrina sat on two chairs at the kitchen table, far too close for Sam to stop feeling so nervous. There was a bowl of warm water on the table, and the lower half of Sam’s face was mostly covered in foam. He had a towel over one shoulder and Sabrina was very carefully bringing the razor down across his face, then dipping it in water, then wiping it on the towel, then she’d do the same thing over again. Every time she leaned over to wipe the razor, Sam’s heart skipped a beat. Her face was so close. She smelled like flowers.  
‘I’m not really much for dances,’ Sabrina muttered, her eyebrows dipped in concentration. ‘I mean, I can dance, I just don’t like doing it in front of people much.’  
‘Mmm,’ was all Sam could say, scared she’d cut him by accident if he so much as moved a muscle.  
‘Well, I’m afraid that everyone usually has a partner when they turn up,’ Jodi told them, as she was looking through the cupboards for her camera. She paused, and it was almost as if you could hear the smile in her voice. ‘It would be nice if you two could go together, to avoid any awkwardness.’  
‘Mom,’ Sam muttered through gritted teeth.  
‘Don’t speak, idiot,’ Sabrina scolded, ‘I wouldn’t get over it if I cut you, so stay bloody still. Well, suppose we wouldn’t want any awkwardness, would we?’ she sniggered, as Sam glared at her. The last thing he needed was a matchmaking session from his fucking mother.  
‘Well, Sam never dances with anyone apart from Vincent and Jas,’ Jodi replied, then triumphantly said, ‘Found it!’  
‘Yeah, Sam,’ Vincent said, hands on his hips. ‘You’re so silly. You should find a lady to dance with.’ He looked at Sabrina with big hopeful blue eyes, who cocked an eyebrow.  
‘Yeah, Sam,’ she mimicked Vincent’s disapproving tone, ‘Find a lady to dance with.’  
‘Did anyone ask you to the dance, Miss Sabrina?’ Vincent asked.  
‘Hmm. Well.’ She dipped the razor in water and turned Sam’s head ever so slightly, then brought the blade slowly down across the left side of his jaw. ‘Sebastian asked me.’  
Sam jumped. Sabrina tutted and glared at him. ‘Jesus Christ, Sam. You’ll get whiplash as well as a massive gash across the face.’ She turned to Vincent. ‘I said no, of course.’  
Vincent gasped. ‘Why? What did he say?’  
‘Oh, he was nice about it. I mean, he’s nice and all, but… kind of immature, you know what I mean?’ Vincent nodded seriously, even though Sam was sure he didn’t have a total clue what she was talking about. He just liked being treated like a grown-up. Still, there was something he couldn’t get his head round.  
She’d said no to Sebastian?  
Sabrina tucked a stray piece of blond hair behind his ear, leaning forward for the towel. ‘There we go. All done. Very handsome.’  
Sam had a tingly feeling in his chest as they went to stand outside so Jodi could take pictures. She beamed at them and said she’d be down later, so they all walked off west of the house towards the town, Vincent in the middle, holding Sam’s hand in one of his and Sabrina’s in the other. They almost looked like parents, Sam thought.

‘There’s Jas!’ Vincent said excitedly. ‘Can I go play?’  
‘Knock yourself out,’ Sam replied as he let go of his hand.  
But just as Vincent was about to run off, he paused and turned back round. ‘Um, I have something to give to Miss Sabrina actually.’  
Sabrina raised her eyebrows in a funny way. ‘Oh yeah?’  
Vincent reached into the pocket of his blue trousers and held out a small card in envelope. ‘This is for you,’ he said shyly. ‘It’s a valentine.’  
She looked like she might cry for a minute, and then it was gone. It was only a fleeting expression, but Sam saw it. She crouched down to Vincent’s level, even in her white kitten heels, and smiled at him, reaching out to take the valentine and pull gently on one of his ears. She opened it and gasped with delight, putting her hand to her heart.  
‘Wow! Thanks, baby. It’s the best valentine ever.’  
Vincent giggled. Then, much to Sam’s horror, he stood looking at him expectantly, as if waiting for him to give his valentine to Sabrina. He quickly ushered him in the direction of Jas and Miss Penny.  
‘Do you want to dance?’ Sabrina’s voice sounded in his ear and he looked down at her. She had her hands behind her back and was shifting from one foot to the other.  
Sam glanced out towards where all the other young couples were dancing. Sebastian and Abigail were dancing together. Seb hadn’t seen Sabrina yet, and he was glad of that. He wondered how it had gotten to the point where he was hiding from his best friend. Haley and Alex were slow-dancing, heads close together, and Haley’s polar-opposite Emily was waving her hands round her head like the nutter she was, in a space on her own. He saw the girls in their white dresses and flowers, the boys in powder blue suits similar to his. People were staring at him in surprise – he couldn’t say he blamed them, considering he couldn’t imagine the last time he wore anything except jeans and his old Joja hoodie.  
Sabrina looked so pretty, a flower crown made of pink roses jammed on her head at the last minute by Jas, her hair a little frizzy from the humidity and the white dress fitting snugly round her frame. He wanted to dance with her. But all he could think of was how people would talk, how people would think that she deserved to dance with better, and they wouldn’t be wrong because she did deserve better. He had always danced with the children, or sometimes had a dance with Penny, but they were only friends. Sam had never been a very easily embarrassed person, but now he felt his face turn red and he jammed his hands in his pockets.  
‘I’ve never really danced at the Flower Dance,’ he lied.  
Sabrina pouted slightly. ‘Come on. Just one. It’s my first Flower Dance and I don’t want to look like a loner. You sure you don’t want to?’  
‘All right,’ he grinned. He was feeling weirdly cooped up in the blue suit and he wanted to be able to jump about and let off steam in some kind of way. It was funny how he could just change his mind when she asked him to.  
She held her hand out to him, and taking the leap, he followed her.  
***  
He felt dizzy as they walked away from the square and towards Cindersap Forest, Sabrina still skipping along him in her kitten heels. He’d actually ended up enjoying it, dancing with her, her arms draped over his shoulders, fingers dangling over his back. It had seemed funny to him, because she was still so short in her white shoes. He kept stepping on her feet accidentally and bumping toes with her but she just laughed when he flushed red with embarrassment. She’d even done a little dance with Jas as well, picking up and whirling her round and round until the little girl squealed with excitement, black pigtails flying, while Shane watched, beer in hand. He had nodded curtly to Sam in greeting – they never spoke much, not even at work. Then Vincent had clamoured for a dance too, and Jack had swept him up and swung him round easily with one hand.  
At one point she leaned her head against his shoulder so he could smell the shampoo that she used, so close to her he could nuzzle her head if he wanted to. He did want to, but as usual he chickened out. She had then run off towards her brother and Sam watched them dance and dance together, not tiring for one second, Jack easily lifting his sister to do the lift like in Dirty Dancing.  
‘That was actually better than I thought it would be,’ she said, taking both his hands and starting to spin round with him, getting faster and faster until the Sam struggled to keep up, even though he was always so energetic he was in pretty good shape. ‘Tell me it was good! It was, right? Admit it!’  
‘You’re such - fuck!’  
His foot hit a rock and he tripped, falling backwards. He was wearing his stupid shiny dress shoes which had absolutely zero grip on them, and he went right over, pulling Sabrina with him, both of them collapsing on the ground.  
‘Oh, Sam,’ Sabrina laughed, sitting up and adjusting her flower crown. ‘You’re so funny.’  
He was glad it was dark, otherwise she would have seen him blush. ‘I’m not that funny. I think the only person who finds me funny is probably Vincent and even then, sometimes he doesn’t laugh he just – sorry, I’m going off on a tangent,’ he sighed. It was something that happened often, but Sabrina was still smiling at him.  
‘Yeah, but that’s okay. You make me laugh, anyway. You have loads of good things about yourself, but you just don’t let yourself believe it.’  
He looked down at his lap. He didn’t know how to talk about this kind of stuff without making himself look like an idiot. He had practically no experience with girls – only Penny, who he adored but she was gay (though he was sure he was the only one who knew about that), and Abigail, but that was also strictly platonic, especially since she was always mooning after Sebastian.  
‘Um. I have something to give you.’  
He reached in his pocket and found the rather crumpled valentine and offered it to her hopefully. They were so close together that it didn’t give her much space, but she opened it and his chest relaxed as he saw a smile spread across her face.  
‘Aw, thanks, Sam! That’s so cute,’ she said, even though it was all crumpled and even though Vincent had tried to help, he wasn’t feeling one hundred percent about the creation of it. She smoothed it out carefully.  
‘Vincent went a bit wild with the glitter glue.’  
Sabrina smiled even wider. ‘This is the best thing.’ She looked up at him, grinning from ear to ear. ‘Thanks for my valentine, Sam,’ she said, and smiled. Then she looked a little confused. ‘I just don’t know why you wanted to give me one. I mean, I didn’t think… never mind. I just thought you wanted me to be with Seb or something.’ It was the exact opposite. She just didn’t know that.  
Sam shrugged. ‘I just… I thought we could spend more time together. See each other more often, I mean.’  
Get to know each other, he said in his head, although that wasn’t strictly true. He wanted to know Sabrina, he did, he really did, but he didn’t want her to know him back. He supposed that was selfish, though.  
‘I’d like that,’ she replied, ‘I really would. Do you want to help me with some work on the farm on Saturday? Jack and Electra have to go to the city to sort some stuff out, so you could help me out and keep me company if you like.’  
Sam often worked Saturdays, but he was sure that Shane would cover him, as he had nothing better to do but work to fund his drinking habit. So he agreed, nodding enthusiastically and lying back on the grass with her, listening to the running river and the crickets chirping, the leaves rustling in the evening breeze. He could lie here forever, beside her, just smiling up at the stars.  
He jumps as her hand creeps over his.  
‘Sorry,’ she says apologetically. ‘I didn’t mean to scare you. We don’t have to, like, hold hands or anything if you don’t want to.’  
‘No, no, it’s cool. Sorry. I just zoned out a bit.’  
So they hold hands and lie there. It feels like something out of a teenage romance movie.  
‘You’re really good at guitar, you know. You should try go pro.’  
He opens his mouth to tell her that he’s actually been scouted at gigs before, and offered deals, but he’s always turned them down because he’d have to move to Zuzu City and he can’t leave his mom and brother, at least not when Kent isn’t home yet. He can’t leave them on their own. But he can’t tell her that, because she’ll think he’s pathetic.  
‘I guess I just don’t have the balls for it. I love playing, sure, but I don’t know. There’s a lot of risks involved and all that.’  
‘Yeah. I guess so. Can’t wait to hang out on Saturday, though. It’ll be fun.’  
She said can’t wait. She wants to spend time with him, not Sebastian. She doesn’t think he’s an idiot. She actually wants to waste her time on him.  
‘You crack me up. Why’d you want me to help you? I mean, I can carry stuff, but I’m not that smart. I mean, Sebastian would probably be better at all that.’  
She snorts. ‘That jumped-up little boy? Be real.’  
He’s stunned. He was sure that she would have been more into him. Girls liked Sebastian’s air of mystery, his moody dark eyes, the fact he was so clever and was a freelance programmer. Sam worked at a crappy supermarket and most probably had ADHD and played guitar for fun. He had no idea how to navigate the situation with Sabrina at all. He had zero experience with girls. He had never even had sex, let alone really kissed anyone properly. He always felt grossly inadequate when he listened to Sebastian and Abigail’s (probably slightly exaggerated) adventures on Tinder.  
‘Why are you always comparing yourself to him, anyway? I know you’re constantly doing it in your head all the time. Be proud of yourself. Be confident.’  
‘Why should I be?’ he asks helplessly.  
‘Why shouldn’t you be? I see you being nice to old people and the kids and saying hi to the mums and letting people go through the door to Pierre’s first. Sebastian doesn’t do that, does he? He mopes around and gives everyone the evils and just sits there getting jealous of Maru all the time. I’m not saying he’s a bad person, I just don’t think that there’s anything in you comparing yourself to him. You’re both completely different, and in a good way. You’re just nice. There’s not many guys like that.’ She pauses and turns her head to him. ‘Besides, I like you more.’  
He laughs. She really has no shame. ‘That’s mean to Sebastian.’  
‘I know. Truth hurts, Sam.’  
‘True. Well, I like you more than Abigail, if that makes us even.’  
‘That’s even meaner! You’ve known her years and years, and you’ve only known me six months. You don’t even know me that well. You’re the meanie, Sam,’ she teases, digging him in the ribs with her elbow, and he laughs and nudges her back. She makes him happy, makes him laugh. She breathes life and sunshine back into him, even when he wants to give up completely. They lie there for a long time, Sabrina’s finger pointing to the sky as she names all the constellations in the sky. That day was fate, he realised. The stars had finally aligned in his favour.


	2. Risotto and Run-Ins (Sam)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I kind of portayed Seb as a bit of a jealous prick here, so sorryyyyyyy xoxox

Sam arrives at the farm at ten, and when Sabrina answers the door she’s still in her pink silk dressing gown, her hair loose down her back. He hadn’t realised how long her hair really was – it practically reached her hips. 

‘Sorry, I’m kind of behind schedule. I’ll make breakfast, okay?’ 

Jodi is a good cook, and she makes a good omelette, but breakfast at the farmhouse seemed to be something else. He had never had such a breakfast in his life – Jodi was always worried about giving them good food, so she always gave them porridge and a banana or an omelette with lots of vegetables in it. It got a bit gross after a while. He watched her pour the pancake batter in the frying pan, then she served the stack with bacon and syrup and dusted them with icing sugar, and strawberries and blueberries fresh from the garden on side. 

‘Eat up, okay? I’ll be ready soon.’ 

Seeing her like that, in the morning light, made her look different. She looked softer, more vulnerable, pale and makeup-less, the pink of her dressing gown contributing to the more feminine atmosphere around her. Just as he was finishing up, sneakily licking the syrup from the plate, she came out of the bathroom, hair braided, her denim boiler suit armour on. 

‘Ready? We have lots to do.’

***

‘Thanks for helping me today,’ Sabrina said happily as Sam helped her carry crates of fruit to the shed for wine making. ‘I honestly couldn’t have done all this without you. Usually Jack helps me, but he had to go to the city with Electra.’ 

‘It’s okay, I had nothing better to do.’ This wasn’t entirely true; he had swapped a shift with Shane at Joja to be there, but he didn’t tell her that. ‘What are they up to in the city, then?’ 

‘Going to see the solicitor about my dad’s will. There was some problem with selling his house and all the money hasn’t been released yet.’ 

Her dad was dead? 

‘Why didn’t you go with them?’ he asked, heaving a box of melons up onto the side and pushing his hair back from his face, wiping his forehead. 

‘Because Electra still thinks I’m a kid, basically. She never lets me do anything.’ Sabrina stretches her arms above her head. ‘She’s an idiot.’ 

‘But I’m sure it’s because she cares about you. That’s why she acts all crazy,’ Sam offered helpfully, taking a crate from her. 

‘More like she’s jealous because Dad left me more money than her.’ 

This came as a bit of a shock. Sam couldn’t imagine leaving more money to one child than the others. It seemed horribly unfair, and even though Electra was generally pretty unsavoury as a character, he felt sorry for her. It couldn’t be easy for her, knowing that she had inherited less from the father that was supposed to love them all equally. Then he saw Sabrina’s face fall slightly as she thought about it, and she sat down on the floor of the shed, crossing her legs and placing her hands on her knees, looking miserable. 

‘There’s a reason, you know,’ she told him as he sat down next to her, as if she was trying to make it sound reasonable. ‘When my dad got sick, the doctors told him he had one year to live. Jack was at war so he couldn’t really help not being there, but Electra was out partying and shagging and running away from all her problems, not going back to college like she promised – so yeah, she’s a right cow, actually.’ Sabrina shuffled closer to him, their knees overlapping and her hair tickling his ear. ‘I looked after him all day, every day. She wasn’t there for me. She was so mad that she had to go to college, but I really wanted to because I actually did really well at school and I couldn’t go because I was too busy playing nurse.’ 

She swallows and Sam reaches over and puts his arm round her. She’s much smaller than him – the top of her head only just reaches his chin. He can almost understand why her much bigger sister sometimes thinks she’s still a kid. ‘So yeah, she’s just mad because Dad left me more of the inheritance, but it was to say thank you to me. She would have wasted it all anyway.’ 

They stay like that for a while, Sabrina huddled up beside him, her head on his shoulder. He wishes they could stay like that forever, and then he remembers that she’s sad and he feels an overwhelming sense of guilt. Sabrina is upset because she thinks her sister hates her, and all he can think about is how much he wants to hug her. 

‘Hey. I’m sorry, really sorry. I didn’t even know you lost your dad.’ 

She shrugs, but she leans further into him. ‘Yeah. It sucked.’ 

‘You must miss him so much.’ 

‘I do.’ 

‘What was he like?’ 

‘The best dad ever,’ she says, without missing a beat. ‘I’m not just saying it because he’s dead now. He really was. My mum left us when I was nine, and it really fucked him up, but he really stepped up and became both our mum and dad. He did all the school runs, all the cooking, absolutely everything. He didn’t care when my brother and sister came out as gay.’ 

_‘Dad, I’m not joking, you know. I’m gay.’  
‘I know, son. I was waiting for you to tell me, silly!’ Dad laughs heartily and puts his cigarette out in the ashtray. ‘Listen, I don’t care who you wanna date. You’ll always be my Jack. You know that.’ _

‘Your dad sounded nice,’ Sam says as she crawls into his lap. Somehow he forgets about how nervous he is and he just puts his arms round her. It’s comfortable and it feels natural. ‘My dad is… I don’t know. I mean, I love him and all because he’s my dad, but he’s been weird since the last time he came back from war. I know he must have seen terrible things, but he just doesn’t seem to want to really spend much time with me and my brother when he’s home. He acts like we’re bothering him, which is unfair because Vin misses him so much and hears the radio and gets scared he’s gonna die, and it’s just – it’s just so unfair.’ Sam shakes his head and Sabrina seems to understand, and she rubs his hair. 

‘It’s all so unfair, isn’t it?’ 

‘I mean, yes, but no. I mean, your dad is dead. I’m lucky mine isn’t. He just… he just rubs me the wrong way a lot.’ Sam momentarily takes one arm from around her and rubbing the back of his neck. Talking about Kent always made him feel very uncomfortable. He was silently dreading the day he came home next, because who knew how messed up he’d be now? ‘I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful.’

‘You’re not. I’m grateful for the time we did get with my dad, but I do miss him. So much. He really loved stargazing and stuff like that – he taught me the names of the constellations in the sky. I know them all. He even had a special nickname for me. He called me Peach. I don’t know how or why I got that nickname. I just did. He just called me that.’ 

_‘You know, I never had anyone when I was growing up. That’s why I’m so glad you all have each other,’ Dad said, taking a drag of his cigarette. Their favourite thing was when they all sat round him and he told them the sibling story. He held his arm out to his son. ‘Jack, my big lad, my gentle giant. You’re growing up into a fine young man, and I’m proud of you for that.’_

_Jack sighs and looks at his lap. ‘I just… I didn’t want you to be mad at me.’_

_‘For being gay? Christ, son, it’s not like you can help it, is it? And even if you could, I couldn’t care less.’ He exhales smoke. ‘You’re my son and I know you’ll always look after your little sisters. You’ll be an excellent soldier when you go away, I know it.’_

_He cleared his throat and turned towards his eldest daughter. ‘Electra Louise, my big girl. Good think I called you Electra, isn’t it? You’re my fiery one, missy, so I know you will always protect yourself and your brother and sister.’ He reached over to ruffle her blue-streaked hair. ‘I know you find shit hard, but it gets easier. You’re a good sister and a good girl, and you can hold even more drink than me!’ He roared with laughter and his three children giggled. ‘I must be getting old.’_

_Then he turned again. Electra held her breath and Jack beamed proudly. ‘And Sabrina Elizabeth, my Peach, my littlest one. You’re the sensible one, my good girl who’ll keep the other two in check. You’re the smartest too. I know you’ll go far.’ He looked up. ‘You must all look after each other, especially you, Jack – you’re the oldest. You must always come back to one another, no matter what happens.’_

Sabrina nibbled on her lip and rested her head on Sam’s shoulder. ‘Do you look like your dad? What’s his name?’ 

Sam laughed, running his hand absent-mindedly over the top of her head. ‘Yeah, I guess so. His name’s Kent. Vin’s ginger like Mom, but I’m blond like my dad. I think I have my mom’s face, though. My dad’s super chiselled. I’m more baby-faced than my brother, for crying out loud.’ 

He rubs his chin, feeling self-conscious, but she just laughs. He loves that laugh. 

‘I think it makes you look soft. Kind of cute, you know?’ She rubs his hair again. ‘My brother is super chiselled, but he acts soft. Both me and Jack look like our dad.’ 

Although Electra liked to think she looks harsh, she actually has the black hair, bright blue eyes and softer facial features of their mother. Jack and Sabrina have the sharp features and brown hair of their father. She remembers how he used to tell her sister how much she looked like her mother, so Electra tried very hard not to. She streaked her lovely thick black hair with blue, and Mum used to wear short skirts so she wore jeans, low-slung so you could see the top of her thong when she bent down. 

It was the most blissful day. Sam didn’t mind that they talked about sad things like dads and death – they finished the work that needed to be done, like feeding the animals and collecting eggs and milking Electra’s cows. Sabrina let him meet her horse, Patrick, and Sam fed and patted him as the sun shone down on them. She made them a picnic dinner of sandwiches – with three different fillings – crisps, fresh fruit from the farm, and apple juice. They sat munching happily, a good reward for a hard day’s work – and then they heard voices, and Sabrina looked up instinctively. 

‘Come on. Hide,’ she said, grabbing his hand and yanking him behind the chicken coop. they waited there, listening. 

‘ – not your choice, Electra! It was his will!’ 

‘Yeah, but why should she get it all? Just because she was the goddamn favourite-’

‘It wasn’t like that! You know why he did it that way. It was to say thank you. Peach did a lot for Dad. She did what we couldn’t.’ 

‘Yeah, but-’

‘No buts! Don’t start, I can’t be dealing with it. I won’t have you tear the family apart over some fucking money, all right? Just grow up and take it on the chin like an adult.’ 

‘You always take her side.’ 

‘Electra, I swear to God – just stop, okay? Sabrina’s been through enough because of us, so just shut the fuck up for once in your life.’ 

Sabrina rolled her eyes at Sam. ‘They’re always fighting about me and the stupid money. I don’t even want it. They even argue in front of me. I think they forget I’m there.’ 

She took him back to the farmhouse. The two other siblings were standing outside, both lighting cigarettes. Electra glared at Sam, but Jack’s eyes lit up and he grinned, reaching over to ruffle Sam’s hair. 

‘Hiya, kid.’ 

Oh, how he did like Jack. The fact that he was so nice made up for all of Electra’s glares and stares. 

‘Sam’s staying for dinner,’ Sabrina announced, pushing past her sister. Sam followed her, feeling a little awkward, but everything seemed fine as they sat round the table and ate fish tacos, then they had homemade maple bars for dessert. Sam was so appreciative of them that Sabrina wrapped up three more in tinfoil before he left. 

‘One more for you, and one each for your mom and your brother.’ She said, and then fished a few notes from her pocket. ‘Here. For helping out today. You really saved me.’ 

Sam shook his head, pushing her hand away. ‘Nah. I don’t want any cash. I had a good day. Honestly, Sabrina, its fine. I can, um, help out next Saturday as well, if you want?’ 

Sabrina beamed. ‘Next Saturday it is, then.’ She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek before he left, and he walked home with a spring in his step. 

***

Penny finishes tying Jas’ shoelaces. ‘There you go, dear. Run along, now. Your aunt is waiting.’ 

As Jas skips off towards Marnie, she sees Vincent run past Sam and practically jump on the youngest of the farmers. Sabrina laughs and spins him around easily, whereas Electra lights a cigarette and takes a puff. 

Electra. It’s a strange name, but it suits her. She seems to be a bundle of anger, nicotine and complications, and she’s the kind of girl Penny should stay away from, and she normally would, but something draws her towards her. She supposes it’s her saviour complex, the need to fix people the way she’s tried to fix Pam so often. 

‘Hi, Penny,’ Sabrina says breathlessly, passing Vincent to his brother, who tuts and ties a scarf round his neck. Sam is her oldest friend, and he’s clearly got a crush so intense that it’s become the centre of his universe. He looks at that muddy young girl as if she’s an angel, she thinks, but it’s nice to know that he’s found someone like her. She certainly seems to suit him. 

‘Hello, Sabrina. Hello, Electra,’ she says politely, and to her surprise, Electra actually gives her small smile back. 

‘Hi. Y’know, it’s cool that you do all this for the kids. Especially since they seem to be a right fucking handful.’ 

Penny feels herself blush as Sabrina elbows her sister. ‘Don’t swear in front of Vincent!’ 

‘Thank you,’ she replies quietly, and when she looks up, Electra’s icy blue gaze makes her feel a certain way that she can’t quite explain. 

*** 

‘I saw you dancing with Sabrina at the Flower Dance,’ Sebastian said when he next came over to Sam’s house. They hadn’t really hung out in a while because Sam had been seeing Sabrina most days he wasn’t working and he hadn’t exactly been completely honest about why he wasn’t always available for band practice. 

‘Er, yeah.’ He shrugged, trying to act casual. ‘She just asked me.’ 

But he’d clearly said the wrong thing, because that only seemed to irritate Sebastian further. 

‘She asked you?’ he snapped, standing up from the bed and knocking his bottle of Mountain Dew to the floor. ‘Did she tell you I asked her first? She said no!’ 

Sam swallowed. He really didn’t want to argue with Seb – he really didn’t. They rarely did argue at the best of times and when they did, Sam always lost because he hated arguing so much that he’d give in, even if he was sure he was in the right. Sebastian, despite being his best friend, could have a very bratty disposition when he wanted to and it was hard to win a row. Even Robin would give up most of the time, and she was known for having a temperament as fiery as her red hair. 

‘Seb, I didn’t know,’ Sam insisted, even though that was a lie. But Sabrina hadn’t told him, she’d told Vincent and Sam had just happened to be there. ‘I honestly didn’t.’ 

He definitely didn’t want to lie to Seb, but sometimes it was the only way to avoid an argument. He’d seen enough (thanks to Electra and Sabrina) to last him a lifetime by now. 

‘Yeah, right,’ Sebastian muttered bitterly. ‘I asked her first, why wouldn’t she have told you? Was she just trying to spite me by asking you? I mean, she doesn’t like you, does she? She wouldn’t, right?’ 

Sam stared at him. Now, that stung a bit. 

‘Why wouldn’t she like me?’ 

Sebastian seemed to have realised that he’d gone too far. ‘I didn’t mean it like – I just meant she seemed like she’d be into different guys. I don’t know. Maybe she likes messing around with different guys at the same time. I’m just saying, it’s against the bro code.’ 

‘She doesn’t do that.’ Sam was trying not to get upset and dug his nails into his palms as hard as he could to stop him from having an outburst. ‘I get it, you’re upset, but you don’t have to be so mad about it. There’s loads of girls that would literally jump on you, on Tinder or whatever. Why is it so mad that just one girl likes me? Can’t I literally have just one?’ 

‘Jeez,’ Seb held his hands up as if Sam was being unreasonable. Was he? ‘It’s not that deep. Abigail said her parents have seen you going past the shop to go to the farmhouse and you’re obviously going to see her. Why didn’t you just tell me about it?’ 

‘Because I knew you’d be like this. Besides, why’s it any of Abigail’s business anyway?’ Sam ran his hands though his hair stressfully. ‘Tell her to stop spying on me. Sounds more like something Caroline would do.’ 

‘Because she agrees with me, dude! You’re not meant to start getting friendly with a girl your friend likes.’ Sebastian looked at him with narrowed eyes, as if he was trying to catch him out somehow. ‘How far have you two gone?’ 

Sam stared at him. ‘What? We haven’t done anything! It’s not like that, we’re just… hanging out.’ 

‘”Hanging out?” Seriously?’ Seb imitated him. 

‘Yes, hanging out! Abigail likes you anyway, so go out with her. You’re just mad because someone likes me more than you for once.’ 

Sam very rarely got angry – he knew he was emotional, though, and even now he wanted to cry. For once, he was grateful that his mother returned home at that moment and called for him, and he was able to show Sebastian out of his room fairly quickly. 

‘Oh, hello, Sebastian!’ Jodi greeted him brightly. She was carrying a parcel that smelled very much like fish. ‘Are you staying for dinner? We’re having fish casserole. I got this bass from that little farmer girl you’re so sweet on,’ she teased Sam, tweaking his nose, and he cringed because she was so oblivious to the fact that was the last thing she should have said at that time. ‘She wouldn’t even take any money!’ 

Before Sebastian could speak, Sam cut in. ‘Sebastian was just leaving.’ 

Jodi stared as her son shut the door after his best friend. 

‘Honey, is everything all right between you two?’ she asked worriedly, reaching out to run her hand through Sam’s yellow hair. ‘What happened?’ 

‘Yeah, it’s all good, Mom,’ Sam replied, forcing his signature cheesy smile onto his face. The last thing Jodi needed right now was more worry, especially with his father’s very sporadic contact after the last few years. ‘Don’t you worry. I’m excited for this fish casserole! Can you make it with rice instead of potatoes? And can I take some over to the farm if there’s any leftover?’ 

Jodi smiled, her creased brow relaxing, and Sam breathed an inward sigh of relief. All he wanted was to make the time that Kent was overseas as easy as possible for her and Vincent. It was hardest on both of them, because as wicked as he knew it was, Sam found it easier to breathe when Kent wasn’t there. He loved him because Kent was his father, but he often preferred when he was away – he would have felt less bad about it if he wasn’t in a goddamn war zone. 

‘Why don’t you ask Farmer Sabrina round for dinner some evening, honey?’ Jodi calls from the kitchen as she puts the fish down on the chopping board. ‘I think it would be nice.’ 

‘Yeah!’ Vincent yells, throwing crayons everywhere. ‘Ask Miss Sabrina round for dinner! And her big brother as well. Not her sister, though.’ Vincent screws up his face and Sam fights the urge to laugh. Clearly, Vincent shared the same opinion on Electra as he did. ‘Ask her today, okay?’ 

Sam chuckles. ‘Aw, Mom, I don’t know. Would she want to?’ 

‘Well, I don’t know, sweetheart! Ask her, won’t you? Your brother would enjoy it, and we have to thank that family somehow for everything they’ve given us.’ 

He knows, deep down, that one of the biggest reasons that Jodi wants to invite Sabrina round to dinner is so she can get an idea of what she’s like. She’d always been so overprotective. 

‘All right, all right. I’ll ask her… at some point.’ 

Sam took out his phone and called Sabrina. 

‘Hello?’ her voice sounded from the other end. ‘What’s up? You never ring me.’ 

That made him feel bad. ‘I, er, I kind of had a row with Sebastian, and from I can guess, Abby’s on his side, so… I guess you’re the only person I can call right now.’ 

‘Wow, so I’m a last resort?’ She laughed and he heard a scrape of metal on metal. ‘Sorry, I’m cooking right now. Do you want to come have dinner with us too?’ 

He couldn’t say yes fast enough. He kissed Jodi’s cheek, ruffled Vincent’s hair, grabbed his bag and practically ran through the forest, almost smashing straight into Marnie on the way, arriving at the farmhouse fairly out of breath. 

‘Hey,’ he breathed as she answered the door. ‘Sorry. I ran all the way here.’ 

Sabrina snorted. She was wearing jeans and a pink knitted sweater. The jeans had patches of pink flowery material sewn over the knees. ‘I don’t know where you get all that energy from, honestly. I hope you help Jodi in the house a lot.’ 

She held her arms out for a hug, and he couldn’t help but lift her up from the ground a little. Her arms round him was the perfect remedy for what had honestly been such a stressful day. He held on a little longer, breathing in the apple smell of her shampoo. He set her down on the ground gingerly, and instead of the usual cheeky grin she put her head to the side, reaching out and delicately flicked his cowlick back into place. She reminded him of his mom when she was worried. 

‘So, what’s up?’ she asked, her tone surprisingly gentle for Sabrina. ‘I can tell you’re stressed.’ 

He looked down at his feet, wondering whether or not to tell her. She had opened up to him a considerable amount about her father’s death the time he helped her on the farm, so he supposed he owed her. He just wasn’t sure how to explain his feelings towards her. 

‘It’s, uh, Sebastian. I mean, I know you find him kind of dumb, but he’s my best friend. We’ve been best friends since we were kids, and Abigail too I guess.’ He takes a deep breath and she returns to her stove, stirring the pot slowly. ‘Look, Seb is quiet and all but he’s usually been really good with girls if we ever went out on a night out in the city or anything – he tells me all this shit he’s done with them and I just… I was never the same. And now he’s mad at me.’ 

‘Why is he so mad?’ 

Sam was fidgeting. He couldn’t bear standing still, and Sabrina glanced at him. He noticed her braid was pinned round the back of her head today, like a milkmaid’s braid. It was pretty, and added a kind of femininity to her that he didn’t usually see when she was riding on her brother’s shoulders, covered in mud. 

‘Do you want to grate some cheese or something?’ she asked, and he nodded. She handed it to him along with a bowl that had a strawberry pattern on it and a cheese grater. The cheese was pale and hard. He was sure he’d seen it in his mother’s kitchen every now and again, but he couldn’t remember the name. ‘It’s called parmesan,’ she told him. ‘It’s usually quite expensive, but this is Jack’s favourite and he’s been a bit… poorly recently.’ She looked back at the pot. Sam started grating at an alarming rate. ‘You don’t like to sit still, huh?’ 

He shook his head. ‘I’ve always been like this. It drove my dad crazy.’ 

He can still remember Kent barking, ‘Keep still, Samson!’ and ‘Just sit tight for two seconds, boy!’ and it feels strange. 

‘I don’t mind, not if you’re gonna help me in the kitchen! Jack’s a lazy sod but I usually let him considering he works hard on the farm every day, not to mention he’s dreadful at anything cooking-related. Same goes for Electra.’ Sabrina takes a slow, deep breath and asks, ‘So, why’s Sebastian mad?’ 

‘It’s weird. Basically, I think he likes you.’ Sam wills his face not to go red but he knows it’s happening anyway. ‘I heard he asked you to the Flower Dance. Sorry. You were telling Vincent and I couldn’t help hearing.’ 

Sabrina nodded, pressing her lips together. ‘I didn’t like the way he asked me. He acted like every other girl in the town was desperate to go with him and yet he was taking pity on me like I was some sort of ugly charity case. I told him I was going to dance with my brother instead, but then I suppose I asked you in the end.’ She looks over at him sympathetically. She also looks guilty. ‘That’s what it’s about, isn’t it? It’s my fault, isn’t it?’ 

Sam shakes his head. ‘It’s not your fault. That’s what it’s about, but I just wish he’d leave me alone about the whole thing. He should have asked Abigail instead anyway. I know she’s liked him for a while and it’s like he just ignores it all the time.’ 

‘Hmm. I see. But we’re friends, right? So why’s he mad?’ Sabrina is still stirring, adding the grated cheese now. He finds his hands empty once again. ‘You can chop the ferns, if you want. Try to do it very finely, okay?’ 

‘Okay.’ He starts carefully chopping the ferns on the chopping board. It’s a fairly long process for a total beginner in cooking, so he can concentrate for a long time. It’s hard to multi-task, though. ‘I think he thinks… well, he thinks it’s more than that.’ 

Sabrina doesn’t speak for a moment. He wishes he could stab himself with the knife, which is a whole lot sharper than the ones Jodi uses at home. ‘Oh. Well, is it? Is that how you see it?’ 

‘I… uh, I don’t know,’ he mumbles, heat rising in his cheeks. ‘I haven’t exactly figured it out yet.’ 

‘I see. Well, when you figure out, you let me know, okay?’ she replies, and he thanks Yoba or whatever god, if they exist, for the fact that Sabrina doesn’t ask for much. ‘And until then, I will of course continue to be your very good friend.’ 

He continues to chop the ferns, until Sabrina says, ‘Besides, if it helps, I like you a lot more than Sebastian,’ and then the knife slips, slices his finger and he swears loudly. 

‘Oh, Sam, what are you like!’ Sabrina grabs his hand and wipes it carefully with some kitchen roll. ‘Be careful with yourself.’ 

She carefully put a plaster over the cut and kissed the tip of his finger. ‘All done, and all better. You’re a liability, y’know. And look, I really, really don’t want you and Sebastian to fall out, especially over me. Please. That makes me sound so full of myself, but I really don’t want you to fall out with him. He’s your friend.’ 

He looks at her. She’s very close. All she cares about is him and his life and his friendship. ‘Thank you. Um, look, you obviously don’t have to because I’m sure you’re really busy and you’ve got way better stuff to do and I don’t want to pressure you –’

‘Sam, you’re going off on a tangent, sweetie,’ Sabrina tells him gently. ‘What’s up?’ 

Sam rubbed his forehead and chuckled nervously. ‘Sorry. Basically, my mom wants you to come round for dinner. To say thank you for all the free vegetables and stuff. My brother wants you to come, too. If you want to.’ 

She looked surprised but pleased, and she nods with a smile. ‘Sure. I’d be very honoured.’ 

*** 

Sam eats every bit of fiddlehead risotto on his plate and brings the empty plate and glass to the sink as Sabrina starts filling the sink with water. 

‘Thanks so much,’ he tells her, sliding the plate into the sink. ‘I’m glad I didn’t have to eat fish casserole again for the third time this week.’ 

‘I gave her the fish, so I guess that was my bad.’ Sabrina giggles and then rolls her sleeves up to start the washing up. ‘What should I wear to meet your mom properly? I dunno, I want to look nice because she’s so sweet. I guess I should go for a girl-next-door kind of approach rather than grubby farmer chick.’ 

‘Nothing wrong with being a grubby farmer chick,’ Jack cuts in, sliding his plate into the sink. ‘We’re all grubby farmer chicks here. So Jodi wants to interrogate you, huh?’ 

Sam grins guiltily. ‘Sorry. She’s weird like that – she always has to know everything about the girls I hang around with.’ 

‘It makes a lot of sense. Remember how bad Dad could be?’ Jack chuckles, tweaking Sabrina’s nose. ‘He used to go mad whenever Peach got a boyfriend or a date or whatever. I reckon he would’ve liked you, though.’ 

He nods towards Sam, and although he knows they’re supposedly just friends, he doesn’t correct him.


	3. Apple Slices and Sisters (Sam)

Penny came out of Electra’s bedroom in her pyjamas, thinking she was being at least the tiniest bit stealthy, and then stood stock still, her face turning red, when she saw Sabrina standing in the kitchen in her pink dressing gown, cracking eggs into a frying pan of hot oil. 

‘Hey, Penny,’ said the youngest sibling gaily, as if she wasn’t embarrassed in the least. ‘Do you want breakfast? I’m doing bacon and eggs.’ 

‘I… well, that would be really lovely, Sabrina. Thank you,’ Penny replied gratefully, patting her hair and advancing into the kitchen. Thank God Sabrina had zero shame. 

*** 

‘Honestly, as if I care who Electra’s shagging,’ Sabrina said, rolling her eyes as she stuck labels on different jars of jam. ‘I don’t mind at all if it’s Penny, anyway. I really like her. Dunno what she sees in Electra, though.’ 

Sam couldn’t really think of what Penny saw in Electra either, but he just shrugged and said, ‘Love make you do strange things, I guess. I’ve known Penny was into girls since forever, but no one else does, so…’ 

‘I’m not going to tell anyone, silly.’ She pushes the plate of cheese and biscuits towards him. ‘Eat more. You’re skinny as hell.’ 

‘I eat like a pig, but I just can’t gain weight.’ Sam reaches for the plate, because he really is hungry but didn’t want to come across as impolite. ‘I’m always hungry.’ 

Saturdays were becoming a regular thing now, and he was constantly having to make up excuses to Abigail and Sebastian as to why he couldn’t hang out with them on the weekends. He knew that if he said he was going to Sabrina’s then Sebastian would most definitely want to tag along, and so would Abigail. 

They did still see them at the saloon in the evenings a lot, though. On St. Patrick’s Day, Willy stood up and started singing an old Irish song that was all in Gaelic so Sam couldn’t understand what the words were, but it sounded melancholy and sad. All of a sudden Sabrina reached for her brother, who put his big arm round her and ran his hand through her hair. Then he put his free arm round Electra, who tried to push him off at first but then leaned into him, and all three siblings stood there together, heads very close together while Willy finished his song. Jack seemed to suddenly shrink and become a little boy, a child that had lost its father. The sisters seemed tinier still, even Electra. While everyone clapped the fisherman, the three siblings clasped hands and Electra gathered her sister into her arms, hugging her very tightly. It was a shock to see such a soft gesture from Electra towards anyone, especially the sister she seemed to hate so much. 

Sebastian looked weirdly irritated, because he obviously didn’t understand. Things had been weird between them since they’d argued. Abigail looked confused but she gave Sabrina a hug when they said goodbye. 

‘My dad used to sing that song,’ Sabrina said later, when Sam was walking her home. ‘Sometimes I sing it to Jack.’ 

She could understand what Sam meant when he said he was afraid of the war changing Kent too much. When Jack first came home, he had been different, and it wasn’t because their father had died. He seemed haunted by something, his eyes sad and faraway. She did not understand until the first night the farmhouse was filled with those painful, blood-curdling screams and she and Electra rushed to his room, only to find that he wasn’t being murdered, but was caught up in a terrible nightmare where he was forced to relive the deaths of the brothers that he could not save. 

It was scary when it happened, but Sabrina had always managed to put on a brave face for him. It was odd to see the huge strong Jack curl up so small and sob uncontrollably. He was her brother and she couldn’t stand to see him so frightened. 

She reached out and took Sam’s hand, suddenly feeling a lot less confident than usual. Sam saw her hunch her shoulders over and bite her lip. 

‘You okay?’ He tried to hide how concerned he was, but he’d always been an open book. 

‘Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks for walking me home. Sorry I keep holding your hand.’ 

‘No, it’s okay. I don’t mind.’ Do it anytime, he said in his head. ‘I don’t mind,’ he says again. 

As they reach the farmhouse, it’s evident that there’s an argument going on. They can hear muffled shouting and Electra bursts out of the front door just as Sam and Sabrina reach the steps. She stands there and glares at her younger sister. There’s a bottle of wine swinging from her hand, and she sways slightly. She must be pissed, Sam thinks to himself, tightening his grip on Sabrina’s hand. 

‘Oh, brilliant. You’re back.’ 

Sam was sure that if he were Sabrina, he would crumble to dust under Electra’s icy blue gaze. But Sabrina sticks her chest out and holds her ground. 

‘Can I go inside, please?’ 

‘What? What’s he doing here? Why are you holding hands? I thought you were staying out with your freaky friends.’ Electra kicks over a plant pot and the earth spills out onto the wood of the farmhouse porch. 

‘Right, because I’m the freak of the family,’ Sabrina replies sourly. ‘Get out of the way, Electra, for God’s sake.’ 

‘Don’t call me a freak, you jumped up little-’ Electra’s eyes widen in anger and she lunges forward. Sam attempts to pull Sabrina out of the way, fearing that the smallest sister will get well and truly beaten black and blue, but she slaps Electra hard round the head and sends her reeling. 

‘I said, get out of the way. Sam, you should go home,’ Sabrina tells him worriedly, wringing her hands. ‘Go on. I’ll call you tomorrow.’ 

‘But I-’ 

Electra flew at her again. Sabrina pushed her hard in the chest but Electra lashed her arm out, trying to claw at her with her long nails, grabbing hold of her by the neck and then both of them toppling over. 

‘What the hell is going on?’ Jack’s voice boomed as he came thundering onto the porch. He saw his sisters rolling around on the floor screaming and reached down, easily dragging one of them up in each hand. ‘Jesus Christ, look at the two of you, fighting like fucking wildcats! In front of Sam as well! What are people going to think of us, for crying out loud? You’re not little kids!’ 

Sabrina touched her face and saw blood on her fingers. 

‘You clawed me, you stupid cow!’ 

‘You fucking deserved it!’ 

‘Electra! Don’t hit your sister, for God’s sake!’ He shook her hard. ‘She’s so much smaller than you! What’s wrong with you?’ 

‘Oh, yeah, Jack, stick up for her like you always do!’ Electra spat, swinging the wine bottle dangerously near Sabrina’s head. ‘She’s always the favourite! You’re pathetic when it comes to her, just like Dad!’ 

Sabrina’s eyes flashed and she jumps forward to hit Electra again, but Jack manages to pull her back again. She doesn’t look angry anymore, she just looks sad, and Sam reaches out instinctively, putting his arms round her protectively. Sabrina leans into him, and he can feel her shaking. Electra blinked at them both, then pushed Jack roughly off her. 

‘Leave me alone,’ she muttered and stormed back into the house, slamming the door. 

Jack wiped his forehead and closed his eyes in agony. ‘Yoba. I’m sorry, kid, I didn’t mean for you to get all mixed up in that.’ 

‘It’s all right,’ said Sam, but it was a little shocking even so. Vincent could be annoying sometimes but he couldn’t ever imagine fighting with his little brother so viciously. ‘I just want to make sure you’re okay,’ he said to Sabrina, who was shaking, but she raised her head from his shoulder and wiped the side of her face. 

‘I’m fine. I know you have to get back to your mum. We should probably go and sort Electra out, anyway. Thank you so much, Sam. I’m sorry.’ She kissed his cheek and he said his goodbyes. 

He was very glad he didn’t have a sister like Electra. 

*** 

‘What is wrong with you, you stupid interfering pig!’ Sabrina yelled as soon as Sam was out of sight. ‘Keep your bogging nose out of my business! And how dare you talk about Dad like that!’ 

‘I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. You’re too young to be running around with boys like that, anyway.’ Electra stuck her nose in the air and took a defiant swig from her bottle of wine. ‘You’re just a kid.’ 

‘I’m nineteen years old, Electra! I can look after myself! I certainly did when Dad was lying there in bed dying and you decided to fuck off and run around with all sorts! Sam is harmless and I like him, and face it, you’ve been with worse anyway, boys and girls. Don’t tell me who I can and can’t talk to!’ 

‘Yeah, you’re nineteen – with the brain of a five-year-old.’ Electra slams the bottle down on the counter. ‘He obviously wants to do more than just talk.’ 

‘Oh, stop it, Electra,’ Jack snaps, kicking off his boots. ‘The kid’s about as innocent as his little brother. He walks her home all the time and shit. Cut it out.’ 

‘You always take her side!’ 

Sabrina glared at her. ‘Because I’m usually right.’ 

‘No you’re not!’ 

‘Yes, I am!’ 

Jack slammed his hand down on the table so hard the fruit bowl bounced and both sisters jumped. They stared at him as he drew himself up to his full height and looked at them both firmly. 

‘This stops now. This is our only chance for a new start, and after all the shit that I’ve dealt with, I’d be grateful if you’d let me have it. Stop behaving like wild animals and more like adults, and learn to get along, or you’ll regret it, let me tell you that. I promised Dad I would look after us all, but you’re making it hard. We will be a respectable family. All of us. Do I make myself clear?’ 

Both the sisters nodded, finally listening. They knew what was most important, even if it was hard to remember. Even if Electra was drunk, she knew. No matter what happened, they always knew where they belonged. They always came back to their brother.


	4. Coca-Cola and Confessions (Sam)

Sabrina pushed open the door of the saloon, which was empty at this time in the day. Even Shane was at work instead of in the corner being moody and nursing his pint. Gus was standing behind the bar wiping glasses and Emily was organising the bottles behind him. The sun shone through the windows and she could see the dust floating in the air. 

‘Hey, Sabrina!’ Emily said happily, waving to her. 

‘Hey, Emily. Hello, Gus.’ Sabrina sank down onto a bar stool. ‘Can I just have a Coke, please?’ 

‘Coming right up!’ Emily was still her usual positive, cheery self, and wanted to try and stay that way, but she could tell something was wrong. 

‘Are you all right, dear?’ Gus asked anxiously, putting the glass and tea towel that he was holding down on the bar. ‘You look downcast.’ 

‘I’m okay. I suppose. It’s nothing much.’ She leaned her elbows on the bar and then put her chin in her hands. ‘Just Electra.’ 

‘Ah, that troublesome sister of yours, eh?’ Gus chuckled, as Emily put a bottle of Coke with a straw down in front of her, the way she liked it. ‘I’ve seen her in here drinking more than young Shane, you know. I don’t know how she does it.’ 

‘Neither do I,’ Sabrina muttered sullenly, sucking on the straw. ‘She always comes home and acts like a right bitch.’ 

‘Now, now,’ Gus chides lightly. ‘No matter what happens, you must always remember that you love your sister.’ 

‘I do, of course I do. But I don’t think she loves me,’ Sabrina sighs, pushing the bottle away from her and putting the side of her face down on the bar. ‘She never has.’ 

‘Of course she loves you, dear,’ Emily tells her, reaching for her hand. ‘She just… maybe doesn’t know how to show it. Jack said she’s always been jealous of you.’ 

‘Yes, but there’s no reason to be!’ Sabrina exclaims, throwing her hands up in exasperation. ‘She gets mad because she thinks I was my dad’s favourite, but I wasn’t. He loved us all equally, but she was just always being a bad kid so she got told off and then she just accuses me of being the favourite, which isn’t really fair.’ 

She doesn’t mention the fact that Electra has been using drugs since she was about fifteen. She liked Gus and Emily, the unlikely duo of the saloon. Gus reminded her somewhat of both her father and her grandfather in his old mustard cardigan and his big moustache, and Emily was a constant ray of sunshine in everyone’s lives with her bright blue haircut and homemade clothes. Sabrina often popped round her house to see Haley, who she had become fast friends with but had to keep separate from her other friend group, because Sebastian and Abigail always made disparaging comments about her about her being a ‘normie’ and she had to clench her fists to stop herself getting mad and slapping Sebastian’s smug little face. She couldn’t really blame Abigail, though – she wasn’t really being nasty, she was just copying what Seb said. 

‘It’ll sort itself, sweetie,’ said Emily, leaning over the bar. ‘Still, you’ve been spending lots of time with young Sam, haven’t you?’ 

‘Here we go!’ Sabrina laughed, and then stopped suddenly and reached for the Coke bottle again. ‘I guess I do like him, I just don’t know what to do about it. I’m not that clued up, really, even though people think I am. I just never really had time for guys and stuff, not when Dad was so sick.’ She swallows and her stomach ties itself in knots at the mention of her father. It still hurts now, over a year on; it still stabs her in the chest. 

‘Trust me, dearie. You’ll be just fine. You’ll know what to do about young Sam.’ Gus smiled at her and slid a maple bar on a plate across the bar. ‘On me.’ 

‘Oh, Gus. I do love you,’ Sabrina sighed, pulling the plate towards her. ‘Big time. And you too, Emily.’ 

‘I should hope so!’ Emily laughed, and Sabrina found herself laughing along too. ‘Tell you what, when you feel crappy, you should go outside at night and look at the stars. I heard you talking to Haley about the constellations – go outside and name them all.’ 

Sabrina smiles at her vaguely. Even when everyone else seemed to abandon her, the stars were always there, shining down on her as a reminder that her father would always love her – the one thing that made it so she would never forget him. 

*** 

It’s about four o’clock when the phone starts ringing, buzzing insistently on his desk. Sam drops his guitar and runs a hand through his hair as he picks it up and reads the name on the screen. He presses the answer button and raises it to his ear, licking his lips nervously. 

‘Sabrina?’ 

‘Hi,’ she greets breathlessly. ‘By the way, I should say now that I’m not in a compromising position. I’m actually milking a cow right now, and you’re on my shoulder. Sorry, that’s a bit gross. Anyway. I wondered if you wanted to come round for dinner tonight?’ 

Sam’s heart skips a beat. ‘Me? Dinner? Tonight?’ 

He hears a muffled ‘fuck’ from Sabrina and rustling, as if she is trying to keep the phone balanced between her cheek and shoulder. ‘Yeah. Sorry if it’s a bit short notice. Electra’s not home and I just wanted to see you, that’s all. But if you’re busy, we can do another day.’ 

Quickly, he protests. ‘No, no, I’m not busy. I’d really love to come. What time do you want me there?’ 

‘Whenever. Daisy, girl, would you just stay still, please? Yeah, whenever you want, you can hang about until dinner’s ready.’ 

When she hangs up, he stands in his bedroom for a moment as if he can’t quite believe what just happened. 

I just wanted to see you. 

She’d said that she wanted to see him. Sabrina wanted to see him. With a slight spring in his step, he gave Jodi a hug, who kept peering at him as if she was suspicious of why he seemed so upbeat. He went upstairs to change his t-shirt and then headed out, blue hoodie zipped up against the breezy winds that meant autumn was definitely on its way. 

He swings by Pierre’s beforehand to buy a bottle of wine, even though he doesn’t really like wine. He stood scratching his head, wondering if red or white was better, or maybe rose? What did merlot and shiraz mean? In the end, he decided there was no point trying to pretend to be a grown up and he bought a big bottle of Coke instead, because Sabrina was always drinking it out of a bottle with a straw at the saloon. 

‘Where you off to?’ Abigail asked from the side of the counter. 

Sam jumped. He hadn’t seen her. 

He decided there was no point lying. ‘Going to Sabrina’s.’ 

She stared at him. ‘Just you?’ 

‘Yeah. She called me up not long ago. Said she wanted to see me.’ He couldn’t help but puff out his chest and sound like he was boasting a little, because Sabrina rarely paid attention to anyone. 

‘Didn’t you and Seb fall out about her? Like, big time?’ 

‘Yeah, but…’ He shrugged. ‘That’s his issue. He still hasn’t said sorry.’ 

By the time he reached the farmhouse, the animals were safely locked up for the night and the farmhouse lights were on, the windows emitting a warm yellow glow. He knocks, shifting from one foot to the other, and doesn’t have to wait long before Sabrina opens the door. Her fringe is a little messy and needs a trim, and she’s wearing a cream sweater and fitted dark slacks, a pink apron tied tightly round her waist. She exudes a homely, sweet atmosphere, and reminds him strangely of his own home when he was younger, when things were easier. 

‘Sam!’ Her eyes are sparkling. ‘I thought you might not come.’ 

‘Why wouldn’t I come?’ As she stands back to let him through the doorway, he holds out the bottle of Coke and says, ‘I only brought Coke, though. I didn’t know what wine to pick.’ 

She rubs her cheeks with the palms of her hands, as if she’s trying to rub away the flushed colour, and grins, reaching for the bottle. ‘That’s all right. Coke’s my favourite, anyway! I don’t drink much anymore, especially after having to constantly deal with Electra and all her night-time shenanigans. And Jack too, actually.’ 

‘I think I’m gonna make a pie. If that’s okay? Pie is okay, right?’ She scratches the back of her head, a nervous tic of hers that she did when she was worried. 

‘Pie is good,’ he assures her, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. Suddenly, as soon as he’s with her, it’s easy. He isn’t as nervous as he thought he would, and he thinks it was such a waste of time to walk all the way to the farmhouse with such a queasy feeling in his stomach. 

‘Okay. Pie it is.’ 

He follows her to the kitchen, and immediately is reminded of why he loves the farmhouse so much. The table is laid with a red and white checked tablecloth and two wine glasses, and a delicious smell is wafting over from the stock pot bubbling away on the stove. He takes in everything properly, forgetting momentarily he has been here quite a few times before. Everything is wooden and rustic and she has an Aga, a big cream-coloured old-fashioned cooker, a blue dresser with a lot of mismatched china, a pinboard with photos and lists and reminders stuck to it. 

Sam puts the bottle of the Coke down on the table and she smiles at him, nervously scraping loose hair behind her ears. She’s wearing pink diamond earrings. The fact that she is nervous is not only reassuring, its adorable and almost intoxicating. 

‘That’s sweet of you. And a good idea, considering Jack used all mine for mixers yesterday! He’s a dumbass. You can open it now if you want, there’s glasses there. Hey, I’m sorry about the other day. With Electra. She can be a real handful and I’m sorry you were there to see it in action.’ 

Sam shook his head. ‘It’s okay, I didn’t mind. I just… does she hate me?’ 

‘Electra hates anyone who tries to get close to me, especially if they’re male. I mean, she has her reasons.’ Sabrina swallowed hard. ‘The past hasn’t exactly proved to her that I have great taste in men. But she always acts like such a dick about it. She’s not great at taking her own advice either, especially since she’s taken practically every drug under the fucking sun.’  
She shrugs, as if it’s nothing, but he can see the concern in her face as she talks about her wild older sister. 

He watches as she stirs the pot with a wooden spoon, grabbing a salt container and shaking it over the top, and he opens the bottle of Coke with a satisfying hiss and pours two glasses. She’s got scales out now, measuring out a large quantity of flour. 

‘You make all the pastry and stuff from scratch?’ he asks, distracted. 

‘Obviously,’ Sabrina replies, opening the fridge and bending down to get a packet of butter. She actually has a nice butt when she’s not constantly trussed up in a boiler suit, he thinks, before he gives himself a mental shake. Get a hold of yourself, Sam, he tells his brain crossly. He doesn’t want her to think he’s a perv. ‘Well, I don’t always, but I can. And you’re a special guest, so yeah. Pastry is easy, anyway. I use my dad’s old recipe.’ 

He bites his lip so hard he almost draws blood, embarrassed at being called a special guest, and takes a gulp of Coke to steady himself, but the bubbles go up his nose and he has a snorting fit. She is kind enough to graciously ignore this. 

‘My mom cooks a lot. I’d like to learn, but I’m useless at all that time. I just never had the patience for it. All I can do is play guitar.’ 

For someone usually so bubbly and excitable, Sam often finds himself at a loss for words when he’s in front of her. The way she is should make things so much easier, but sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes he feels stuck, as if he doesn’t really know what to say around her and just ends up talking self-depreciating shit at her and she must think that he’s weird, or depressed, or looking for attention, and fuck, he’s fucked this up. 

‘Don’t talk that way about yourself. If you say that to yourself, then it will come true. And all you’ll be able to do it play guitar forever. Dammit, my rings.’ She tutted and started scraping the dough off her fingers. ‘Look, I… I didn’t mean to make you feel weird, by the way. I didn’t want you to think this was a date or something. If, you know, you don’t want it to be.’ 

Oh. 

Okay. Sam breathes in deeply and tries to focus. Is this where he has to confront the fact that he likes Sabrina – like likes her? He likes being friends with her, but does he want more? He wouldn’t say no. He hasn’t known many girls his age in his lifetime, but his heart doesn’t jump into his throat every time he makes Abigail laugh, and it doesn’t skip a beat whenever Penny smiles in his direction. He doesn’t feel the need to be the best he can be in front of any of them, and he certainly couldn’t imagine kissing them or holding them or sharing a bed with them – but he could imagine doing all those things with Sabrina, for definite. But would someone like her ever be interested in a kid who played guitar all day and worked part-time at Joja? 

And suddenly she’s concentrating very hard on the dough in the bowl and making a careful effort not to look at him. Her cheeks are very pink and she clears her throat. 

‘Sorry. Forget I said anything.’ 

He realises that while he’s been thinking, he hasn’t said anything, and it’s probably been a lot longer than he thought it had. How is he meant to rectify this painfully awkward situation? 

‘Sabrina – I –’ he stammers, raking his hands through his hair. ‘I didn’t think – I mean, I didn’t think that you felt that way. About me, I mean. If you do. Or if you don’t, that’s okay too.’ 

‘I do, actually, now that you mention it.’ Sabrina cleared her throat. ‘I just thought you might be weirded out because we said we said we were just friends, so I tried to be subtle. Guess it didn’t work.’ 

It’s strange, because it should seem ridiculous. Sabrina’s hands are covered in dough and he is nervous and very red and probably slightly sweaty, but it felt like a moment in a fairy tale. for Sam, big gestures were never something he’s ever been fussed by – but this, this girl and this moment… this must be what life is all about. This must be what his mother told him about, the moment that she looked at his father and knew that she wanted to be with him forever. Was this that kind of moment? 

Sabrina smiled at him. ‘Sorry.’ 

‘No, don’t be!’ he replied hurriedly, wringing his hands. ‘I like you. I mean, I do. I just didn’t want to say anything because I thought Seb did too, but y’know, why does Seb get to have everything?’ 

Sabrina blinked. ‘But you guys are still best friends, right?’ 

‘Yeah, of course.’ 

Though he hasn’t spent much time with Sebastian or Abigail since he started hanging out with Sabrina more often. He knows that Seb has always been a little jealous of the way that they’re so close, the fact that there was one girl who actually seemed to be more into Sam than he was into Seb, but he’d always assumed it would work out fine. Then they had that argument and he’s barely spoken to either of them since and now he doesn’t know where he stands and he’s kind of lying but not really. 

‘Okay. I wouldn’t want you guys to fall out.’ Sabrina turns the tap on and starts washing her hands. ‘I’m sorry. I really am. This didn’t go the way I planned. It was supposed to be a lot more romantic, I guess, but I’ve never been very good at romance. In a way, Electra’s right – I’ve always only ever ended up with guys that aren’t very good for me.’ 

‘It’s all right. We’ll find a moment,’ Sam finds himself saying, and she turns to smile at him, the sun streaming through the window and her eyes catching the light, and right now, he has decided that shit literally couldn’t get any better.


	5. Notes and Kisses in the Dark (Sam)

‘This is for you, Peach,’ Jack said that morning, throwing a letter across the table towards his sister. Sabrina reached out and grabbed it as she spooned scrambled eggs into her mouth. He looked up from his own huge fried breakfast as if he was expecting something. ‘Well? Who’s it from, then?’ 

‘What? Give me a minute, Jack.’ It was a brown paper envelope with just the word ‘Sabrina’ written on it in handwriting that most definitely belonged to a boy. Was it from Sam? She opened it and pulled out a piece of paper that had been ripped from a notebook. 

Sabrina,  
Meet me in front of my house tonight after dark.  
\- Sam 

She stared at the letter. After dark? When was that? 8pm? Or 10pm? She blew upwards towards her fringe, wondering how on earth boys could be so fucking dense sometimes. 

‘It’s from Sam.’ 

Jack grinned. ‘Of course it is.’  
‘Shut up,’ Sabrina rolled her eyes and after carefully folding the note and slipping it into her dressing gown, she returned to her breakfast. ‘I’ve seen you making eyes at Alex. What’s the deal there, then?’ 

Jack sighed and seemed to squirm in his seat. ‘I honestly can’t say I know, Peach. The guy’s super closeted and like, I feel for him. I really do. But I don’t think I want the drama of all that shit now, y’know? I’m too old for all the sneaking around and crap now.’ 

‘I’m not, apparently. Sam wants me to meet him at his house “after dark,” but like, what time is that? Am I just over thinking this?’ she rubs her face and spoons scrambled egg into her mouth again as Jack’s eyes widen and he grabbed his mug of coffee. 

‘Serious? He’s probably gonna want to talk about getting together officially… or something. I dunno what the term is now. I’ll drop you off there, all right? So that you don’t have to stand in the cold on your own or anything.’ 

‘Thanks. I think it’ll be fine, anyway. I handled the arseholes in the city, so I can handle Sam.’ 

‘That’s the spirit!’ Jack nodded at her and shoved almost a rasher of bacon in his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. ‘I like the kid, y’know. He’s so… ordinary, but in a good way. He’s chill. Kind of like a boy next door.’ 

Sabrina smiles. ‘Yeah. That’s why I like him. Also he’ll watch all the movies I want, even if they’re in black and white.’ 

Jack pauses and then seems to remember something. ‘Hey, Willy’s been teaching me all sorts of fishing tricks and I’m getting really good at it. I thought if I’m catching salmon and squid and stuff, maybe you could use it in cooking? I mean, you’re a great cook and I know it would be a pain gutting them and all, but I was thinking how good fish and seafood is for you. We could even give smoking some salmon or whatever ourselves a go, right? I thought maybe I could take some cash out of my savings and Robin could build us another shed, yeah?’ 

She sees the smile that she remembered from those years before his military service and the glow in his face that hasn’t been there for a long time, and she smiles brightly and nods to him. 

‘That sounds cool, Jack. We can do it together.’ She sips her green tea and thinks about it properly. ‘Yeah! Hey, so if Robin builds the shed you’d definitely make the money back so quickly. People pay a fortune for smoked salmon and shit and it’s bound to make a ton of profit since the salmon itself is basically free.’ 

Jack holds his hands up and looks even more pumped. ‘Right? I’d just have to pay for bait and stuff, which I can probably make from anything if I wanted to save more cash, let’s be real. Even if it doesn’t take off like mad, your jam and wine and cheese is making us a bloody fortune anyway, so we could always just double production so the extra shed doesn’t go to waste. Hell, Robin said she’d give me a discount if I just spent a day chopping wood and brought her the raw materials.’ 

Sabrina couldn’t help smiling like an idiot. This was what she came to the valley for – these slow, lazy weekend mornings with Jack where they sat in the kitchen in their dressing gowns, eating scrambled eggs and bacon on toast or porridge and fresh fruit from the garden, spitballing new ideas for the farm that they would do together, even when they were so outlandish they could never happen. She was happier than ever now that she had her brother back and he seemed to be getting better. Moving to the farm together was the best decision they’d ever made, even if that meant Electra bringing all her problems with her. But no matter how difficult, Electra was their sister, and they always remembered how much they really loved her. 

She took a shower at seven in the evening and stepped out of her muddy overalls, pulling on a long-sleeved white top and a black dress on top. She hoped Sam wouldn’t think she looked stupid out of her work clothes – she hardly ever wore normal clothes anymore, but Jack told her she looked great and walked her all the way to Sam’s house as promised. 

‘Are you nervous?’ he asked. 

Sabrina shook her head. ‘Not nervous. I’m a bit confused, sure, but I think it’ll be okay. I just hope it’s something good, that’s all.’ 

‘It will be.’ 

‘Jack?’ 

‘Yeah?’ 

‘Do you think that maybe I’m the problem? In the family, I mean?’ She put her hands in her coat pockets and sighed heavily. ‘I feel like I destroy everything I touch sometimes. What if Electra is right? Am I just a bad person? Would you all be better off without me? Would Sam be better off without me?’ 

Jack paused and reached for his sister’s hand. ‘Peach, no one could ever be at a disadvantage because you were in their life. You’re a good person and a good sister. Sam is a lucky bitch, and if he doesn’t know it I’ll knock it into him.’ 

Sabrina snorted and looked ahead, seeing Sam standing outside his house, his arms wrapped round himself. ‘Thanks, Jack.’ 

‘No worries. Knock em dead, kid.’ 

Jack ruffled her hair and turned on his heel, hunched over in the cold, as she approached Sam. 

‘Hey, Sabrina,’ he said, smiling shyly. ‘I’m sorry for the weird note. I wanted to, er, talk to you. In private.’ 

Sabrina smiled. There was something about Sam that made her want to smile all the time, even when Electra was trying to make things difficult for them. 

‘It’s all right.’ 

‘Um, you look nice.’ 

‘Thanks.’ 

‘Do you want to go inside? It’s kind of cold out here. Just be super quiet, okay? My mom’s in her bedroom now and Vin’s asleep, so we’ll have to sneak into my room.’ 

‘Okay. I can climb through the window, if you like. I’m good at that.’ 

Sam looked surprised as she managed to (very quietly, too) leap up onto the windowsill and through the bedroom window. He took the normal route because he was sure he was too clumsy for such a stunt. 

Sabrina stood in his bedroom, hands clasped in front of her, looking expectant. ‘So… what did you want to talk to me about?’ 

Sam felt his face grow hot and scratched the back of his neck. This was his chance. He had to take it. ‘Look, I… I know I’ve been talking about the band and stuff for a while now. But it’s not all I’m interested in. I… well, I’m just really happy that we’ve grown so close. Heh. Um. If you know what I mean. I mean, um… er… look, Sabrina, I know we started off hanging out with Seb and Abby as a friend group, but… do you think of me as just a friend?’ 

Suddenly, there was the sound of movement from the other side of the house. Sam’s eyes widened and he grabbed her by the arm, motioning towards the bed with a sense of urgency. Sabrina leapt underneath the covers and lay as still as she humanly could, trying to slow her breathing as much as possible, eyes squeezed shut. If Jodi caught her in the bed, then there would no possibility of anything between her and Sam becoming anything serious without a lot more sneaking around involved. There was a knock on the door. 

‘Sam? I’m coming in!’ 

As the door creaked open, Sabrina thought how difficult it must be sometimes, to have a mother so involved with her children’s business. When she was growing up, Dad had always knocked and then waited for her or Electra to say if it was all right to come in or not, and he was fairly similar with Jack too. What if Sam had been naked or something? Although she’d never been someone who got embarrassed easily, she felt her cheeks burn in the darkness at the thought. 

Jodi seemed to pause for what felt like an eternity. Fuck, had she noticed? 

‘What’s wrong, honey? Were you doing something… bad?’ The word ‘bad’ was spoken in a hushed tone. ‘I thought I heard some weird sounds coming from your room…’ 

Christ, did Jodi have ears like a fucking bat? It was starting to get hot under the duvet covers and she wished Jodi would just leave. 

‘No, Mom! I was just doing push-ups! I wanna beat Dad in arm-wrestling when he comes back!’ Sam burbled. Sabrina rolled her eyes underneath the covers. He was a terrible liar. But Jodi bought it, somehow. How could anyone be that gullible? 

‘Oh! That explains why you’re so red and sweaty!’ Jodi giggled. Sabrina cringed. This was very quickly going out of control and if Sam’s mother didn’t leave soon she was going to have to burst out of the bed and make her. ‘Okay, well, good luck. I’ll see you in the morning.’ 

‘Goodnight, Mom.’ 

Sam let out a heavy sigh of relief as Jodi left the room and closed the door. He waited for her footsteps to fade before he whispered, ‘Whew. That was close.’ There was a pause, and he cleared his throat. ‘Sabrina? Hey, you can come out now if you want,’ he said, his voice still at a very low volume. ‘Mom won’t come back – but you’ll have to go out the window.’ 

He heard her giggle, but she didn’t move. He could just about make out her profile, those dark eyes glinting in the darkness. Then, as if his legs were moving of their own accord, he crossed the room to the bed and slid into the bed next to her – it was a bit of a squash, but it only meant he could be closer to her. It felt surreal, hooking his arm round her waist and pulling her into him, their bodies pressed together, and Sabrina not moving away from him. In fact, she reached up with her free arm and tucked his hair behind his ear. They seemed to fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. She completed him. 

‘What I was trying to say was, I… I really like you, Sabrina. I think we could have something really special together.’ He pressed his forehead against hers. ‘Know what I mean?’ 

‘Yeah, Sam,’ she said, smiling up at him. ‘I know what you mean.’ 

He chuckled and seemed to have loosened up completely since she’d reciprocated his feelings. ‘All right. I said it.’ 

She bent her head upwards so her nose touched his. 

Fuck it. 

He bent his head and kissed her, a soft open-mouthed kiss that lasted only a few seconds. And the thing was, she didn’t pull away. She kissed him back. 

He would be thinking about this night for a very long time.


	6. Stockrooms and Comedowns (Sam)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it does get a BIT heavy here, with pretty heavy reference to Electra's drug issues. I have experienced these issues in my own life and therefore am able to deal with writing about it emotionally, but if you think it might trigger you then don't read on and just skip most of this one <3

Sam had been stacking shelves, crouching down and shoving the cans of sweetcorn willy-nilly onto their shelf, knowing that Morris would be over and telling him off, and would talk about ‘presentation’ and ‘customer service’ and ‘not slacking, Sam,’ but he was past the point of caring now. He just needed the money to be able to make trips to the city every now and then, and to save so he could move out. His knees were aching and his back felt sore, his feet ready to buckle after having to support his full weight for the past fifteen minutes. 

Canned soup: 10g 

Canned sweetcorn: 15g 

Canned green beans: 13g 

Sam swore he could feel his soul withering away as he practically threw the cans onto the shelf. He was sweating, his fringe sticking to his forehead under the blue Joja cap. It was entirely unpleasant, he thought, as he took the cap off and pushed his hair back. He stood underneath the air conditioning for a moment to cool down, but it just made him feel cold and sweaty rather than hot and sweaty. The clock seemed like it never moved, and he was sure that Morris had done something to make it turn slowly. 

A hand reached out to grab a can. The fingernails were painted pink. He looked up to see Sabrina standing there, can in hand, squinting at the ingredients. She was dressed in a stripy top and denim skirt, her hair in one long braid down her back. The outfit was complete with her signature mud-caked, knee-high lace up boots. He’d imagined her as big and strong, because you’d have to be strong to be a farmer, right? But Sabrina was petite and stocky, with long dark hair and large dark eyes framed by thick lashes; he had no idea how that place was running itself so well. She looked like she could barely lift a watering can. 

He hadn’t seen her since they’d kissed in the bed, and although they’d kissed a bit more after that and he wanted to cling onto her forever, he knew that it was risky as it was and to avoid Jodi walking in on them, he had to send her on her way. He remembered seeing her leap up onto the windowsill like a cat, then waving at him coyly before springing out the window and running off into the night. 

‘I’m sorry, but “does not contain real sweetcorn?” What is it, then?’ She frowned down at him. ‘Is it like… plastic?’ 

‘I have… no idea,’ Sam mumbled, feeling his cheeks go red, making a point of slamming a can of sweetcorn down on the shelf. ‘Maybe you should ask Morris.’ 

Sabrina shuddered. ‘Ugh, no thanks. He creeps me out. I used to work for Joja, you know.’ She looked at the can once more in disdain, then leaned over him and put it back. As Morris nodded and walked off towards the tills, she hissed into his ear, ‘Stockroom three. Five minutes. Don’t be late.’ 

She stalked off towards the stockrooms without looking back, flipping her braid behind her. He swallowed hard and wondered what on earth she was going to do to him. He knew he’d been out of order by not at least texting her since the kissing incident, but what was he meant to say, exactly? ‘Had fun snogging you, let’s do it again’? He was in uncharted territory over here and had no clue on how to move forward. 

He made it to stockroom three in four minutes and was yanked in by his collar by a very red-faced Sabrina, who then locked the door behind them. Then she stood in front of him, arms folded. 

‘Are you just not that into me?’ 

Sam stared at her. ‘What?’ 

‘What do you mean, “what?” You could have just said, you know.’ She sticks her nose in the air, but it’s evident that she’s hurt. She mistook his silence for non-interest, he realises, and wants to bang his head against the wall. 

‘Fuck. Sabrina, no, that’s not what I meant – not at all. I just didn’t know what to text you after, you know? Like we kissed and everything and I didn’t really know how to follow it up.’ He takes off his blue cap and pushes his sweaty hair back, and Sabrina is looking at him like he’s stupid. Maybe he is. 

‘Are you thick?’ 

‘What?’ 

‘I said – oh, fuck it, you clearly don’t understand what I’m saying. I can’t believe I’m having this conversation. We kissed, Sam, we didn’t exactly fuck, did we?’ The very notion of it makes him go beetroot red, and she just sighs at him in a sort of pitying way. ‘Jesus. You’re really not very clued up, are you?’ 

‘Of course not! I’ve grown up in the same shitty town my whole life, population of about twenty, may I add,’ Sam snorts, rubbing his face. ‘Sabrina, I really didn’t know what the hell to do and I’m so sorry, I really fucked up, I’m sorry -’

‘Stop saying sorry, for fuck’s sake,’ Sabrina snaps, and she grabs his collar and pulls him in, and they kiss, and he’s immediately lost. His arms fall to his sides and he just leans into her, and they become a mess of kissing and tongues and teeth and he doesn’t actually know what he’s doing because he’s never really done much kissing, but all he knows is he likes it. 

‘You can’t blame me for being freaked out. I haven’t seen you since the other night,’ she hissed. ‘What’s going on? You didn’t even text! Your mom didn’t find out, did she?’ 

‘Er… well… you left a footprint on the windowsill,’ he admitted. There was a pause, then both of them snorted loudly and had to cover their mouths. ‘Sorry. She wasn’t mad, she just wanted to know who it was. I didn’t tell exactly her, but I think she already knows.’ 

Sabrina was still sniggering. ‘I’ll be a little more careful next time I’m jumping in and out of your window.’ 

‘There’ll be a next time?’ he asked hopefully. 

‘Well, who else’s bedroom do I sneak into? Well, actually, I once had to sneak into Alex’s room to give him Jack’s number. God, my brother can’t think to even give guys his number himself. Twat. Still,’ she inhaled and looked at him dead in the eye. It made him feel unbelievably nervous when she did that. ‘You’re a good kisser, I suppose.’ 

‘Alex? And I am?’ 

Sabrina rolled her eyes, as if he was stupid. ‘Alex Mullner. He’s gay.’ There was silence. ‘You did know that, right?’ 

‘Um… no.’ 

‘Well, you’re an idiot then, with the gaydar of a rock to boot. But.’ She smiled shyly and pinched his nose gently. ‘I still like you.’ 

‘I… I really like you too.’ 

It was a surreal experience, Sabrina practically sitting on him in the JojaMart stockroom and him able to finally put his arms round her and kiss her properly. It was a bit wild for him, especially considering he was at work, but he had to take what he could get. He’d always been so loud and barely able to shut up, but he found himself quietening around her. His father had called him immature more times than he could count – maybe this was him growing up. Maybe Sabrina was helping him become more mature. This certainly felt mature, he thought, as he felt his groin tighten. 

No, no, no, she could not see that. Sam’s sexual inexperience was something he had always been very embarrassed of, and he wasn’t ready to tell Sabrina about it. She had grown up in the city and led an interesting life, so she must have done a lot more in that area than he had. He didn’t know much about her love life before the valley, but all her knit sweaters and many earrings and eyelash extensions, her cool city looks, made him feel very inadequate next to her. He didn’t want her to know how inadequate he really was. 

‘Sam, are you okay?’ she asked, pulling back from him, her hands on his shoulders. She blinked at him worriedly with her big dark eyes, searching for an answer. ‘You just got super tense all of a sudden.’ 

‘Um, yeah. I’m okay.’ He put his arms round her and leaned his forehead against hers. It was very quiet and very still in the stockroom for a moment, only the sound of their breathing really making any noise. ‘I… look, I really like you. I just don’t want us to start doing, um, stuff, in my work stockroom. I kind of want it to be all special or whatever.’ He winced and closed his eyes in agony. ‘Fuck. That was so cringe. I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, I did, but I didn’t mean it to sound that stupid. I meant more like – I don’t know, I just don’t want you to think that that’s what I’m here for. Wait, is that what you’re here for? I mean, that’s okay, I just-’

‘Hey, Sam, it’s okay,’ Sabrina held his face in her hands and looked him in the eye. Her face seemed to have gone very red. Was it just the heat? It was very warm in all the stockrooms. ‘It’s really okay. I didn’t mean for you to think that was what I wanted. I didn’t want to, like, fuck in here or anything. I just wanted to kiss you, I guess.’ 

Sabrina shrugs and looks a little embarrassed. ‘I do like you too, and it’s okay. I mean, about you saying you’d like it all to be special and stuff. I really appreciate it, actually. It’s nice to know that’s what you think of me.’ 

‘Well, yeah. I mean, did I look like I was looking for a hook-up?’ Sam joked, but it was a little too on the nose for him. He was too afraid of when they would get to that stage and she’d realise how shit he really would be as a hook-up. 

When his shift is over, fairly late in the evening, she is waiting outside JojaMart with Jack’s huge windbreaker over her overalls. She’s hunched over, her hair hiding her face, but stands up straight as soon as she sees him. 

‘Hey. I just thought you might want to have a walk or something… and talk. At least we have more time than just hanging out in the stock room, right?’ She means it as a joke, but her voice wavers. He looks at her and sees that her eyes are watery and there are tear tracks down her cheeks, her mascara slightly smudged. 

‘Sabrina? What’s wrong?’ He puts his hands on her shoulders, his heart rate picking up immediately. ‘What happened? Why have you been crying?’ 

She shrugs and looks away from him. ‘Electra. Drugs. Again.’ 

‘Shit.’ He puts his arms around her and hugs her as hard as he can, his face tucked into her neck. He can smell the warmth of her skin, the fine silver chain of her necklace cold against his cheek. ‘What did she do?’ he says into her hair. 

‘I hate her when she’s like that. I have no idea how she even found a dealer. She’s got a problem, Sam, a real problem. If she can’t get drugs, she drinks alcohol. I used to pour all the alcohol down the sink and she’d literally climb out of her bedroom window to get it. Jack thought that taking her to live in the middle of fucking nowhere would help her, but it’s not done anything.’ Sabrina presses her face into him and he holds the back of her head with his hand, closing his eyes in agony. How is any of this fair? How is it fair to put all this on a young girl? ‘I love her. I do. She’s my sister. But she’s also ruining her life, and every time we bring up therapy or rehab she goes crazy. I don’t know what to do with her.’ 

‘Where’s Jack?’ 

‘At home with her now. He’s better at controlling her but it stresses him out too. He wants to try and make a life for us but she makes it impossible. You know how she’s dating Penny?’ She looks up and her eyes are filled with tears. ‘I know it’s kind of a secret, but Penny is meant to be moving in soon because she can’t deal with Pam anymore. But she doesn’t know about Electra’s habits. What is she going to do when she cuts ties with her mum and then realises her girlfriend is fucking mental?’ 

Sam stares at her. ‘She’s lying to Penny?’ 

If anything, he’s not surprised. He can’t see Penny being anywhere near a person who drinks that much, let alone a drug problem, because of Pam. She’d always hated Shane for this very reason and never spoke to him when she dropped Jas home. The only way she’s around Electra must be because she’s being lied to. 

‘Of course she’s lying to Penny. She’s been lying to all of us, acting like she’s practically clean and then she practically crawled home, throwing up all over the place, shaking and screaming and then Jack searched her room and she’s got a whole fucking stash of shit.’ 

‘Yoba. Fucking hell.’ Sam carefully wipes away the tears from her eyes. ‘There, now,’ he says softly. ‘It’s all right. I’ll come home with you.’ 

He holds her hand the whole way home, choosing to walk past Pierre’s and the clinic rather than his own home just in case Jodi comes out and asks questions, whether Abigail sees him or not. He doesn’t care right now. 

‘Jack took everything and got rid of them – I don’t know how. It’s always so hard to get her through the comedown.’ 

‘What did she even take?’ 

‘How the hell do I know? Probably a whole shitload of stuff. She’s always mixing stuff and the only way we’d find out what is by taking her to hospital, which just costs so much money so we might as well sort her out at home unless it’s really bad.’ 

Sam can hear the retching as soon as Sabrina unlocks the farmhouse door. There’s retching and sobbing and the horrible sound of sick hitting the water in the toilet bowl. Jack comes out of the bathroom, looking exhausted. 

‘Oh, Peach, you’re back. Thank Yoba.’ He looks at Sam. ‘Maybe you should go home, kid. This isn’t something you want to hang around for.’ 

‘I don’t care. I want to be here for Sabrina. I swear I won’t tell anyone, not a soul.’ Sam grips Sabrina’s hand tighter and Jack nods at him gratefully. 

‘She’s still chucking it all up,’ he sighs, sinking into a chair. ‘Fuck. I thought this was going to be over.’ He groans loudly and puts his face in his hands. ‘I don’t know what to do, Peach. I really don’t. Do I just force her to go to rehab? She’d just hate me for it.’ 

‘She has to decide to go herself, Jack. We could force her to do stuff and it would just push her even further away from us, and we can’t let her go.’ Sabrina lets go of Sam’s hand, pats his arm and slowly approaches the bathroom. 

‘Electra?’ 

‘Leave me alone!’ 

Electra is crying and being sick at the same time, her head over the bowl, her fingers clinging to the toilet seat. ‘What? Are you fucking happy now? Now that he can see I’m a fuck up?’ 

Sabrina doesn’t blink. ‘You’re a fuck up, but you’re ours. You’re my sister, Jack’s sister. It doesn’t matter how many times you mess up. You’re ours.’ 

She gets down on her knees and carefully pulls Electra’s long blue-streaked hair into a ponytail so it doesn’t get in the way of the stream of vomit streaming from her mouth. ‘Get it out, okay? Then we’ll brush your teeth and get you some water.’ 

When Electra was safely tucked away in bed, Jack came out of her room, rubbing his eyes. Sabrina was still in there, putting a bucket down in case she was sick in the night. Jack waited until he’d closed the door and then came to join Sam in the kitchen. He looked so tired, so worn out, so completely done with the entire thing. 

‘That girl,’ he sighed, shaking his head. ‘I don’t know what I’m going to do with her. I never do. He has to sort herself out at some point. I thought this would be good for her – moving to the countryside and all that, away from all the shitty influences, but it’s just as bad.’ He sank down into his chair. ‘If anything, it’s worse. She’s going mad at Peach for the smallest shit, and they always fight a bit but it’s getting more physical now. I mean, you’ve seen it.’ 

‘She’ll find her way,’ Sam said, though he wasn’t sure if he really believed his own words. ‘She’s lucky to have you two as siblings. You’re a really good brother. I hope Vincent sees me the way Sabrina sees you.’ 

Jack cracked a small smile at this. ‘Thanks, kid. You know, when I came home from service, everything was so different. When I left, Peach was super excited about going to college and Electra got a promotion in some retail job she had at the time, and when I got back… I don’t know. Peach had completely changed. I guess she’d grown up. She’d been through so much and she was so much quieter and her eyes were all dark and haunted… I wish I’d been able to come home earlier.’ Jack groans loudly and rakes his hands through his messy dark hair. ‘Does she talk to you often? About things that upset her? I can’t get a fucking word out of her nowadays.’ 

Sam slides into a chair opposite Jack and picks up an apple from the fruit bowl, throwing from one hand to the other. ‘Yeah. Sometimes. We both do. I think she said that when your dad was sick, Electra just kind of disappeared.’ 

‘Yeah. She did. Left Peach all alone.’ Jack reaches for the cup of tea going cold on the table. ‘Do something for me, kid.’ 

‘Sure.’ 

‘Take care of her. I mean, I know you guys aren’t really together, and she’s pretty independent, but not always. She’s growing up, and our dad isn’t here anymore, and – and just look after her when she needs it, okay?’ 

Sam nodded. ‘Of course. It doesn’t matter that we’re not properly together or anything yet. I want her to be happy.’ 

Jack smiled, and they heard Electra’s door open and close. Sabrina came in, smoothing her jeans with her hands. 

‘She’s gonna be okay. She just needs to rest and get through the comedown.’ 

‘Guess it’s just you and me on the farm tomorrow, kid,’ Jack grumbled, rising from his chair, the chair legs scraping against the floor. ‘Fuck’s sake. There’s so much to do, and a lot of it you can’t do because it’s all manual labour.’ 

‘Sexist,’ Sabrina replied, going to the fridge. ‘I’m an engineer. Sam, do you want a drink?’ 

‘Sure. Coke, if you have it.’ Sam put the apple back in the fruit bowl. ‘I’ll help you tomorrow. I mean, I’m skinny but I can do some lifting and I could do with building myself up.’ 

‘Aw, kid, I don’t wanna make things hard for you just so you can help us. I’ll be able to manage.’ Jack smiles at him, but Sam notices again – he looks fucking exhausted. This man is being stretched to his limits, physically, mentally and emotionally. ‘I’ll sort it out.’ 

‘No, really, I want to help, I like it here,’ Sam insisted as Sabrina came and sat next to him. When he looked at her up close there were dark shadows under her eyes and she was very pale. ‘I don’t mind. It’s my day off.’ When Jack didn’t look completely convinced, he adds, ‘And it means I get to see Sabrina, too.’ 

‘All right, all right, you’ve got me. Thank you so much, blondie.’ He leans over the table, extending his fist to Sam, who smacks it back with his own. ‘You might as well stay over, then. You can borrow my stuff. I’m gonna go piss quick and get some overnight stuff for you.’ 

As Jack left the room, Sam stared down at his can of Coke and tapped his fingers on his knees. He couldn’t look Sabrina in the eye. Stay over? Did that mean in Sabrina’s room? In her bed, with her? And what was that meant to mean? Were they supposed to… do stuff? 

‘You don’t have to stay over, you know,’ Sabrina told him, reaching out to put her hand on his arm. ‘Not if you don’t feel comfortable. I know we’re going slow and stuff, so I don’t want to freak you out.’ 

Sam shook his head. ‘It’s not… it’s not that I don’t want to stay over. I just don’t know if I can – it’s not – oh, fuck, I can’t explain it.’ He grabs hold of his own hair, clenching his fists. ‘It’s about… you know.’ 

‘You mean you don’t wanna have sex, right?’ she asks, and he feels himself blushing with the forwardness, the directness of it all. He nods, and she pats his arm. ‘We don’t have to. We said we weren’t going to go too fast, right? Jack only suggested it so you don’t have to go home and come back again. Don’t worry, okay? You just do what you’re comfortable with.’ 

She kisses his cheek as she stands up and goes to the cupboard to get out a pan. ‘I’m gonna make fish tacos tonight because they’re so easy. You can stay for dinner and have Electra’s share, if you like.' 

Since he started seeing her, he’s realised cooking is more of an art than he thought before. The way she carefully seasons the tuna, chops the cabbage and fries it so it’s nice and cooked but still a little crunchy, the sauce that she mixes, delicately tasting every single thirty seconds – it’s all an art, and he hopes one day he’ll be that good. He can imagine them being together five or ten years into the future, kids running round their feet as she cooks for a family that is hopefully a little less dysfunctional. He appreciates her more than he’s ever really appreciated anyone before – she’s there when he needs her, and yet she still allows him space and lets him decide what he wants. 

‘Sabrina?’ 

‘Yeah?’ 

‘I’d actually really like to stay round.’ 

She throws another tuna steak in the pan and turns around. ‘You would?’ 

Sam smiles. ‘Yeah.’ 

She smiles back. ‘Okay.’ 

*** 

Jack lends him clean underwear and a t-shirt and pyjama pants to sleep in, and Sabrina gives him a clean towel. It’s only when he gets into the bathroom to shower that he realises he hasn’t told Jodi that he’ll be staying at the farmhouse. He quickly grabs his phone and dials the house phone. 

‘Hello?’ 

‘Hi, Mom.’ 

‘Oh, Sam! It’s getting late, honey. When are you going to be home? I thought your shift finished a while ago.’ 

‘Er, it did. I’ve been hanging at the farmhouse.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I just wanted to call you to tell you I’m staying over here tonight.’ 

There was silence on the other end for a while and he wanted to throw himself out the window. ‘Oh, I see. With Sabrina?’ 

‘Who else?’ 

‘Just… be careful, all right? Did your father ever talk to you about protection?’ 

‘Mom, please don’t,’ Sam cut in, slapping his hand to his forehead. ‘Please, it’s so embarrassing. I know all about protection, and anyway I’m not – just sleep well and I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?’ 

‘All right. I love you, dear.’ 

‘I love you too.’ 

Sam hung up and stared at himself in the mirror. How much worse were her comments going to get? Fucking hell, he thought as he stripped off, ready to get in the shower. When he looked in the mirror, he wanted to smash it. He hated his skinny arms and complete lack of abs. Maybe if he carried on helping on the farm he’d build some muscle. 

He quickly showered, brushed his teeth and changed (Jack’s t-shirt was at least 2 sizes too big for him but at least it was comfortable, but he had to kind of hold the underwear up) and didn’t exactly know what to do with the spare toothbrush he’d been given, so he just left it on the side of the sink and not in the little toothbrush mug with the others. Though there were four in there instead of three – was the fourth Penny’s? 

‘Uh, hey,’ he said, chuckling awkwardly as he came into Sabrina’s room. She was sitting up in bed in a black t-shirt almost as big as his, and it looked even bigger on the tiny farmer girl. He had to thank Yoba that he was at least quite tall, even if he was skinny. She was reading a comic book, but she looked up from it and smiled. ‘I didn’t really know where to put my toothbrush so I just kind of… left it there.’ 

‘That’s okay,’ she replied, putting the comic down on the bedside table. ‘You can just leave it there for when you stay over.’ 

It was going to be a regular thing? Sam was so used to being the hanger-on, the one who was allowed to come along so he didn’t feel left out – he didn’t know how to react now that someone was absolutely certain that they wanted him around all of the time. 

‘Cool.’ He pulled back the covers and got into bed beside her. it was a weird feeling – he’d slept in his little single bed at home his whole life. He’d never shared a bed with a girl, especially not in a bed with pink flowery sheets. ‘Sorry for being so awkward earlier. I just… I’ve never done this before. Like, ever. Which is a bit sad.’ 

Sabrina laughed. ‘Don’t. It’s not sad – it’s normal. I’m not exactly a total expert, you know. I haven’t had that many boyfriends.’ 

‘Well, I haven’t had any girlfriends, or anything even close, so… I’m definitely the one with literally no experience.’ He looked at her and smiled apologetically. ‘I know it’s probably weird to you that I haven’t tried to, like, instigate anything.’ 

She turned to him and looked a little confused. ‘What do you mean? You told me you wanted to go slow.’ 

‘Yeah, there’s that, but… well, when I say I’m inexperienced, I mean it. I’ve never had sex before. I’m a virgin.’ 

He couldn’t quite meet her eye at that point. He hated the word ‘virgin.’ Abigail and Sebastian had always used it as a word to tease him with, because he was the last one to lose his virginity. He’d just never found anybody he particularly wanted to have sex with, so he supposed he might as well just not until he did. And he did want to have sex with Sabrina, but every time he thought about it, a new anxiety or fear about the whole idea of it rose in his stomach. He had assumed she would know that he was a virgin but didn’t know how on earth she would react when he told her straight to her face. 

Sabrina just shrugged. ‘First time for everything, right?’ 

Sam bit his lip. ‘So you don’t… mind?’ 

She almost looked offended. ‘What? No! Why would I mind? I’ll just have to enjoy the fact I’m the one popping your cherry. That’ll be a story to tell Sebastian and Abigail, right?’ 

As she leaned over and turned the lamp off, he thought of Sebastian and Abigail. He hadn’t really spoken to either of them after the tiff he’d had with Seb in his bedroom. It was strange, but six months ago he would have felt completely lost without them, but now he was starting to forget he was ever friends with them. Any kind of argument with Sebastian usually filled him with anxiety, and he’d end up apologising just so they’d be friends again, even though it was usually Seb who threw the tantrum, not him. 

‘I think you should text Sebastian tomorrow,’ Sabrina told him in the dark. They were both lying on their backs, staring up at the ceiling. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s a poser, but he’s your best friend. You don’t want to regret the way things have gone with him.’ 

‘Yeah. I know.’ Sam lets out a long sigh. ‘I know. He is my best friend, and Abby is like my second-best friend or something, I guess. But I just get – I don’t know – fed up. Just sick of being the one in the group that gets the piss constantly taken out of, and it would be fine if it was a joke or banter but it’s just not, not all the time. I just got sick of Seb just being controlling all the time. He’s so… childish about stuff. If he didn’t like the way shit was going, he’d just throw a massive tantrum about it and me and Abby would just have to get over it. Then he got mad about me hanging out with you and I just thought, why can’t I have this one thing?’ 

‘I understand. Sometimes Electra acts like I’ve had a great life – and don’t get me wrong, it’s not been terrible – but I get mad when she acts like she had it worse. Especially about Dad.’ She reaches over and they hold hands tightly, as if it makes them both feel safe. Sam feels safe around her, and he knows that she feels safe with him too. 

‘I got cross about it because it just didn’t seem fair. I was there for Sebastian when his dad left and then when Robin married Demetrius. He really, really doesn’t get on with his stepdad, and he doesn’t get on great with Maru either because she’s sort of the golden child. But then my dad went off to war and I was kind of fucked up about it, and he just never really asked about it or seemed to care.’ He’d never quite forgotten that – he remembered saying goodbye to Kent at the train station with his mother and Vincent, and then going to Sebastian’s house afterwards and not even being asked about how it had been. 

‘Oh dear. Poor Sam.’ Sabrina turned towards him and snuggled into his side. He let go of her hand and put his arm round her, settling into a comfortable position with her resting her hand on his stomach. ‘I still think you should text him. Tell him the truth, and how you feel. Then maybe he’ll understand.’ 

‘But what if he doesn’t?’ 

‘Then he doesn’t. But he’ll come round. Do you seriously think he’ll be able to only hang out with Abigail forever?’ Sabrina snorted and Sam sniggered too. ‘We just need to get them to go out together. On my birthday, I’ll invite her and we’ll see what happens. And I’ll always be here for you if you need me.’ She gives his hip a little squeeze, and he sighs in contentment. 

‘You’re the best.’ 

‘I know.’ 

‘Can I kiss you?’ 

‘Sure.’ 

He leans over and kisses her gently, and it feels very reminiscent of when he first kissed her in his bed at home – except this time he doesn’t have to look over his shoulder in case Jodi came in or try not to move too much in case she heard something. He cuddled close to her, their bodies fitting together like a jigsaw puzzle, like something that hadn’t been there was finally there. 

‘Thanks for being here,’ she whispered against his lips, and he wrapped his arms round her a little tighter. ‘I don’t know how I would have got through these last few months without you.’ 

He tucked a stray piece of her hair behind her ear. ‘I want to be here. I don’t want you to feel alone.’ He pressed his forehead against hers. ‘On the bright side, though – at least being around you is never boring.’ 

Sabrina giggled. ‘I don’t know if I should take that as a compliment or not.’ 

‘I have a lot of much better compliments, if that helps.’ He bends his head and kisses her again, then again and again, and something stirs in his borrowed underpants – which makes him pause slightly. He doesn’t feel like he should feel this way – he doesn’t think he deserves to think about her like that. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean-’

‘It’s all right, Sam. It happens. It’s natural. Like I said, you can just decide when you’re ready.’ 

He pulls back a little and looks into her face. She doesn’t look mad, or upset, or confused. ‘I think it would be easier for me to… do stuff, first, rather than just going for it.’ He closes his eyes in agony and groans loudly. ‘God, this is so fucking pathetic. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking frigid.’ 

‘Don’t use that word, it’s not nice to yourself.’ She looks up and smiles. ‘I only want you to be comfortable.’ 

‘I’m sorry, though. I want to be able to – I don’t know, make you feel good? I don’t want to end up taking too long and then you get fed up with me.’ He wriggles uncomfortably, feeling his awkward erection going down. Thank fuck for that. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to do it, I do – of course I do. I just don’t know how. I hardly ever used to watch porn, or anything. I guess I just never thought about it properly until… well, you.’ 

Sabrina looks sympathetic. ‘It’s okay. Thanks for being honest with me – I just want to know what’s going through your brain.’ She traces a line across his forehead with her finger, looking him directly in the eye. ‘I’m not going to get fed up with you because you don’t want to have sex yet. Silly.’ 

‘You’re the best,’ he sighs, kissing her again. His hand is on her waist, and she takes hold of it very carefully and slowly slides it up her top. Her skin is warm and his breath doesn’t catch in his throat now, because it’s just a small step. It’s just a step up the stairs to the real thing, because things will get easier. She doesn’t mind, he tells himself. It’s okay. 

He tries to focus on kissing her more than anything, because he doesn’t want to be a mouth breather or be too gross at it, and when she slips her hand into his too-big underpants, he sighs contentedly and lets it flow, regardless of the fact that he would probably finish very quickly, but he does his best to push that thought out of his mind as quickly as possible. And then he bucks his hips and he’s already done, but she doesn’t say anything about his lack of stamina. She just lets him clean up, then she washes her hands and curls back up next to him, and for some reason he can’t sleep – his head is still filled with the thought of, A girl just jerked me off. But when Sabrina’s breathing steadies and he realises she’s asleep, he begins to try and remember every single constellation he can to help him drift off.


	7. A Friend Like Haley (Sam)

_‘I love you, Peach. I’ll always love you, even if you can’t see me,’ Dad rasped, swallowing hard. ‘And I love Jack and Electra and you must tell them that every day. I love you all, every one of you. You’ve always been my whole life.’_

Sabrina woke with a start. She was soaked with sweat and her breathing was shallow and rapid. She felt her stomach lurch and she ran to the toilet, barely getting there in time. She watched the sick flush down the bowl, then miserably brushed her teeth and went to sit on her porch in pitch darkness, just in her t shirt and underwear. 

It had been a long time since she’d dreamt about her father. 

She’d barely lived for the first six months after it had happened. It wasn’t like she had anyone to turn to. She couldn’t go home, because she didn’t have a home anymore. The family home had been put on the market almost as soon as he’d died so the estate could be divided between the three children, and their mum had disappeared over ten years ago. She still remembered the morning they found out, her suitcases gone, her bank account closed. Sabrina had wandered, like a corpse, through life, moving to a new apartment as soon as she could and working at Joja purely just to pay the bills. She remembered her father moving to that apartment above the Chinese not long before they lost him. A dying man couldn’t afford to be picky; he wanted to spend the final days of his life with Sabrina, not in the big empty house that seemed to be full of bad memories. 

She remembered sitting with the solicitor, who told her that Jack was to be the executor of the will but also there had been a bigger sum left to her, and a note to each sibling. 

_Dearest Peach,_

_If you are reading this, then I’m gone now. I’m sorry it had to be this way. Don’t be fucking mopey and sad about it for too long – a little bit, mind, I’d like to be mourned at least a bit – but then just stick me in the ground and move on with your life. You’re a smart kid and you could go so far, and I already know I’ve taken up so much of your time already._

_Thank you for everything, little one. Thank you for looking after me even though you were on your own and still so, so young, and thank you for always being patient. I know it was tough on you and I know it will still feel tough – but it’s over now. I’d like to say that I’m in Heaven, but let’s be honest – I can’t really promise anything. Besides, none of my mates are there._

_Remember to take care of your brother and sister. I know you’re the littlest but you were always the sensible one. I’m sorry if I was a bit fucking useless after your mum walked out, but I swear that I always tried my best. You kids were the light of my whole damn life, and don’t you ever forget that._

_Live a long happy life, dear Peach, and please don’t think of me too often._

_All my love,_

_Dad_

Of course he’d left more money to her, Sabrina thought as she shakily sipped water, her big ginger cat Fred meowing and crawling into her lap. The three of them had no other living relatives. Their dad was dead, their mum gone. They were the last ones left, the last ones standing. Except sometimes, it felt like it was just her. Edward Montgomery had no idea how much that money would tear his children apart. 

She sipped water again, her teeth clinking against the glass. 

‘This sucks,’ she said aloud. 

Fred crawled into her lap, tail flicking in her face. ‘Except for you, babes,’ Sabrina sighed, scratching his head. ‘You’ll always be here, won’t you?’ 

She looked at her phone, and briefly considered calling Sam, but she didn’t want to explain what the whole thing was about, and if she didn’t he’d just worry about her when she’d had to dream about this every single night for months at one point, and as much as she wished she could say she was used to it, no one could ever get used to that. Sabrina sighed and unlocked her phone, clicking on a contact and letting the phone ring in her ear. 

Please be awake, she thought. It was about two in the morning, so it was possible. 

‘Hello?’ the girl’s voice made Sabrina breathe outwards with relief. 

‘Haley?’ Sabrina breathed. ‘Are you up?’ 

‘Sure. Why, what’s up?’ Haley suddenly sounded concerned. ‘Are you all right, Brina? You sound kind of weird.’ 

‘It… it’s nothing big. I just had a bad dream and I didn’t want to be on my own. I just wanted to talk to you.’ 

‘Oh, Brina. Do you want me to come over?’ 

‘It’s two in the morning, Haley. It’s too late…’ she swallowed, defeated. ‘But, yes, obviously.’ 

‘Gimme like… twenty minutes, okay? I’ll be there.’ 

After she hung up, Sabrina sat there in the dark and thought about how lucky she was to have made friends with Haley. It was the most unlikely friendship, and on the surface she’d immediately judged her and seen her as superficial and shallow, but actually underneath the preppy teenager stereotype, Haley was a lot more like Emily than people realised. She was always there in a heartbeat if Sabrina needed her, and she was grateful. She hadn’t exactly told her friend everything about her past, and what the dreams were about, but Haley always shrugged and was there for her no matter what. They’d bonded over polaroid pictures, she remembered, after Sabrina had let the other girl use her farm as a location for some photographs. Haley had slipped and gotten all muddy in the coop and Sabrina had doubled over with laughter, and eventually Haley did too. 

She was there on her bicycle in literally twenty minutes, her lovely blonde hair tied up in a messy topknot and a long blue coat over her pyjamas. Even without any makeup on, Haley was beautiful and Sabrina had always felt a little envious of her. 

The bike was abandoned as she ran up to the farmhouse, looking horrified. 

‘You’re sitting out here in your knickers!’ Haley was furious. ‘You’ll literally die of pneumonia, are you nuts?’ 

Sabrina shrugged. ‘It’s summer. It’ll be fine.’ 

Despite it being summer, the air bit with unexpected teeth, but Sabrina didn’t care. Her friend sighed and sat down next to her. ‘What’s going on, Sabrina? Where are your brother and sister?’ 

‘Saloon. And it was just a bad dream.’ Haley held out her arm and she leaned her head on her shoulder, feeling the comfort of her friend’s arm round her shoulders. ‘I’ve had them before, but… not for a really long time. It just freaked me out. That’s all.’ 

Haley sighed and patted her hair, shifting so she could hug her. ‘Brina, maybe you should think about some actual professional help or something, like a grief counsellor. It might be good for you.’ 

‘I can’t talk about it properly to you, Haley, so how would I talk to a complete stranger?’ Sabrina muttered, clinging to her friend’s arms, feeling hopeless. 

‘I don’t know, but they’d help you through it. What about Doctor Harvey? Couldn’t he refer you to somebody?’ 

She stiffens. ‘I’m not talking to him about this.’ 

‘Why not? He’s a doctor, isn’t he? Or what about Sam?’ 

She stiffens even further. ‘No way! I don’t want him to know. He’ll think I’m crazy.’ 

Haley tuts. ‘You’re not crazy.’ 

‘I am. It’s been, like, a year now. it should have gone away.’ One year, three months, a week and four days, she says in her head. 

‘Look, Brina… I don’t know all the details and shit, obviously, but what happened to your poor dad was a sad, sad thing. You shouldn’t have to relive it.’ 

Sabrina says nothing and clings to Haley like she’s her lifeline, but her friend is wrong. She should relive it, she should have to see it every day for the rest of her life because she didn’t step in, she didn’t see that he wasn’t well, she couldn’t save him. She didn’t force him to go the doctor’s when he protested he was fine, when he was clearly sick. He was her father, and she should have realised that something was wrong and stopped being so selfish, moping about her job at Joja when Dad was in so much pain. 

‘Don’t leave me ever, Haley,’ the dark-haired girl sighs, at the risk of sounding clingy, but Haley just laughs warmly and rubs her back. 

‘Never. All I had before you were my crazy sister and Alex.’ 

‘How is Alex?’ she asks, desperate to get the subject off her father and her complete inability to cope. ‘Still in the closet?’ 

Haley snorts. ‘Of course. He’s so far in the closet he’s in fucking Narnia. I mean, I’m chill letting people think that we’re like, a thing, but his grandparents are seriously expecting a mermaid’s pendant or some shit soon and it’s going a bit far.’ She sighs. ‘I feel bad for him because he’s so scared, and I don’t blame him, with this small town and the crappy attitude people have towards anyone that’s different. But I feel bad for the people he’s lying to, as well. I just feel like it could too far and we’ll end up actually getting married or something and he’ll be out at gay clubs in Zuzu City every night while he pretends he’s still straight.’ Sabrina starts laughing, harder than she’s laughed in a long time. ‘That sounds like something straight out of a shit rom com.’ 

She neglects to mention that Alex stays over a lot, namely with Jack, because it’s still kind of a secret. It’s nice to talk about these things with Haley, things that don’t really matter. She also likes Haley because she’s the only person who really sees her for who she is. She calls her by her name. Jack called her Peach like their dad did (even Sam was picking up on that), Electra calls her Titch or one of her other very unsavoury nicknames she has for her, but Haley always calls her Sabrina, or Brina at the very least. It grounds her, reminds her who she really is. Since they moved to the valley, she’s often felt a little out of touch with herself. 

When they go inside, Haley puts a pot on and Sabrina pulls on her pyjama trousers. They close the kitchen door, careful not to wake Jack or Electra. 

‘Coffee?’ she asks hopefully. 

‘You better be joking. The last thing you need right now is caffeine. Herbal tea, and that’s it.’ 

Sabrina didn’t usually like Haley’s ropey herbal teas, but she’d brought a special strawberry one this time and it wasn’t too bad. They sat on her bed, legs crossed, hands warming round their mugs, sipping herbal tea. 

‘So… how’s it going with Sam?’ 

The dreaded question. 

‘Ugh, Haley. You can’t resist, can you?’ 

She crosses her eyes and pulls a face. ‘Nope. I want you to be happy, though. He’s a bit jumpy and nuts for my taste, but he’s pretty good looking in a sort of… indie records and ratty hoodie way.’ When Sabrina snorts with laughter, she adds, ‘And he’d make a really loyal and devoted boyfriend. Besides, you’re both pretty outgoing, right? He’s crazy about you, Brina, you can see it in the way he looks at you.’ 

‘We barely know each other.’ 

‘So? He likes you. That’s enough.’ 

‘He likes making out in the Joja stockroom, but I don’t know about him actually liking me.’ 

There is a pause, and Sabrina realises with horror what she’s said. Haley slams her mug down on the bedside table, her eyes round as sauces and her mouth hanging open. 

‘Brina!’ she gasps, her hands round her shocked face. ‘You didn’t!’ 

Sabrina shrugs, desperately resisting the urge to grin. ‘Er, well, he hadn’t texted me or anything so I thought I’d just find out if he liked me or not.’ 

‘You are terrible!’ Haley slaps her friend’s leg. 

‘Ow! You should be proud of me!’ 

‘I am! I just can’t believe it! I mean, Sam? Was it after closing time? Like, was the supermarket empty? Was he really on the clock?’ 

Sabrina scratches the back of her head, her cheeks flushed. ‘Um. Morris was down the hall, and he was yelling at Shane. So Shane was there too.’ 

Haley lets out a squeal of excitement. ‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me right away!’ 

‘Well, it’s a bit awkward just ringing you up and going, “by the way, Haley, thought I’d let you know that I have Sam’s saliva in my mouth,” isn’t it?’ 

This earns her another slap, and she is glad Haley came round to talk about something girly and silly and not her dad, and they talk for another hour or so until it’s really time for bed. They take turns peeing and brushing their teeth and then both jump into Sabrina’s double bed, Haley’s head resting on her shoulder as she sleeps, like a constant reminder that all is not lost.


	8. Beaches and Bad Things (Sam)

‘Are you going round to the farm again?’ Jodi asked, pouring hot water into a mug. ‘You’ve been spending lots of time there recently.’ 

Sam smiled at her from his toast and jam. He’d always loved jam, especially strawberry – and this was homemade from the farm, not from Joja Mart. ‘Yeah, I guess. I’m going to the beach today, though. I like hanging out with Sabrina, I suppose.’ 

‘You “suppose?” You’re completely smitten with her!’ Jodi laughed, stirring the tea in the mug. ‘I can see it on your face. You’ve never looked at other girls like that before.’ 

‘Mom, don’t.’ 

‘Have you kissed her yet?’ Then her face fell and she looked shocked. ‘Your father never gave you the talk, did he?’ 

Sam shoved the plate away from him and grabbed his bag, feeling his face go bright red. He did not want to talk to Jodi about this, not when he had stuff to do. He put the backpack on his back and ran a hand through his hair. 

‘Um, I’ll see you later, Mom.’ 

‘But you haven’t even finished your breakfast, Sam!’ she exclaimed, looking at him in a concerned manner. ‘You’ll be hungry!’ 

‘It’s fine, I’m gonna take my toast with me. And Sabrina always makes lunch, so don’t sweat it. Just don’t talk to me about that again, and don’t let Dad either.’ 

‘Sam, can I come to the beach with you and Miss Sabrina?’ Vincent whined from the kitchen table. 

Sam always felt bad for Vincent. He knew that he found it difficult without Kent at home and he missed him terribly, and Sam felt responsible for his brother. But he really did want to just spend time with Sabrina alone, so that they could work out whatever this was – though he didn’t have it in him to say no, so he said yes, and watched Vincent gleefully grab his favourite toys to play with at the beach. He hoped Sabrina wouldn’t mind. He was sure that she might do, considering he’d been hoping to turn the whole thing into a kind-of date. 

Sam walked all the way to the beach with Vincent skipping happily alongside him, chattering away about Jas and Miss Penny, oblivious to the fact his older brother was distracted with thoughts of his own. They reached their destination fairly quickly, greeted with the sight of Willy sitting at the end of the east pier fishing and Haley sunning herself, sitting on a towel. Sabrina was sitting beside her with an open book on her lap, wearing a yellow sundress that tied at the back of her neck. Her two braids left her pale neck exposed, and he suddenly felt like he was looking at something he shouldn’t be. It felt weirdly personal and invasive. 

‘Hey, you,’ she greeted him cheerfully. She grinned at Vincent and held her hand up for a high five. ‘Hey, Vin. How’s it going?’ 

‘Um, is it – is it okay if Vincent hangs out with us today?’ Sam mumbled, wishing he could just jump into the sea and swim away as fast as possible. ‘Sorry.’ 

Sabrina didn’t even blink. ‘Don’t be sorry. Of course he can hang out with us, silly – he’s your brother.’ She crouched down to the redheaded little boy’s level and grinned. ‘It’s good to see you again, littl’un.’ 

She positively acted like a total angel the whole day, in Sam’s opinion. She played tirelessly with Vincent for hours, building sandcastles and splashing about in the sea. He admired her so because he knew he would have grown restless and annoyed after the first few hours, but if she had then she didn’t show it. Even when Vincent whined that his sandcastle had been destroyed by the tide because he’d built it too close to the sea, or he splashed too hard and got himself half soaked, she still didn’t crack. 

Jack turned up at about one in the afternoon wearing something other than his work overalls – a white button-down and blue jeans – with what looked like a fishing rod in his hand. His eyes lit up as soon as he saw Sam and his sister, waving to Willy who was still fishing by the pier. 

‘Hey, Peach. Hey, Sam,’ he greeted cheerfully, ruffling Sam’s hair and tweaking Sabrina’s nose. Weirdly, Sam didn’t really mind Jack treating him like a kid. ‘And hey, littl’un.’ 

Vincent screwed his nose up crossly. ‘I’m not little!’ 

‘Don’t be rude, Vincent,’ Sam started, but Jack just laughed. 

‘No, no, that’s right. You’re almost as big as me – almost, kid, but not quite yet.’ He nodded towards the picnic basket. ‘You got enough for me in there?’ 

Sabrina rolled her eyes. ‘Sure I do. I knew you’d be down here fishing since the weather’s so good.’ 

Jack grinned and saluted her. ‘Thanks, Peach. Yo, Sam, have you ever been fishing?’ 

Sam shook his head. ‘It’s cool but I’ve never done it. I’d like to, though. My dad used to go fishing.’ As soon as he’d mentioned Kent, he wished he hadn’t, but he just swallowed down the funny feeling that rose in his belly. 

‘I’ll teach you, if you want. Well, maybe it’s best Willy shows you, really. He’s the expert.’ 

And so Sam sat down with them, his shoes and socks off and his jeans rolled up so he could dangle his legs in the water, and Willy showed him how to use a fishing rod, how to attach bait, all kinds of things. He’d always liked the fisherman, with his tattered hat and the blade of grass that usually stuck out of his mouth. It made him feel grown up, like he was really twenty years old and not six like his mother always made him feel. And his father, for that matter. 

‘You’re good at it!’ Jack exclaimed, flexing his arms as if they were stiff. Sam stared at the huge muscles wistfully, wishing that he wasn’t such a twig. ‘It took me bloody ages to catch even a carp, for crying out loud.’ 

Sam shrugged, feeling his face turn red. ‘I’m not that good.’ 

‘You’ve got your eye on that little lass, eh?’ Willy asked suddenly, reeling in a tiger trout. ‘Jack here’s sister.’ 

Sam felt himself squirming on the pier. He really didn’t want to make Jack mad, and considering he hadn’t actually spoken to Jack about pursuing his precious sister, he didn’t know what to really say that might not make him mad – but it was fairly obvious what was going on between them. 

But Jack just laughed, like he always did. ‘Don’t look so terrified. I’m not gonna threaten you or ask what your ‘intentions’ are towards her or whatever, you know. Peach – I mean, Sabrina – is a big girl now. She can do what she wants. She doesn’t need my permission or for me to protect her. We’re a feminist family, y’know.’ He shrugged. ‘Besides, I’d rather she was shagging you than any other bloke in the valley. She chose well, for once.’ 

*** 

When Sabrina unpacked the picnic basket and revealed sandwiches with three different fillings – egg mayonnaise (the eggs fresh from Primrose Farm’s chickens and the mayonnaise made from said eggs), smoked salmon and cream cheese, and ham and cheese, the cheese being the first sample of Sabrina’s homemade cheese that Sam had ever tasted. He had been worried about Vincent eating the smoked salmon because he’d always been a picky kid, but it was stuffed into a bagel so he ate it with relative gusto. There was chocolate cake and pink cake and fresh fruit from the farm and orange juice that Jack made himself, but a can of Joja Cola tucked in a corner specially for Sam. 

‘I could eat that all again,’ Sam sighed, stretching his arms above his head. ‘You’re even better at cooking than Mom, Sabrina.’ 

Sabrina went pink. ‘Sandwiches isn’t really cooking.’ 

‘The cakes are. Baking, I suppose. But that definitely counts as cooking.’ 

She looks pleased and that makes him feel pleased too. There is something about Sam’s small, often blundering compliments that always fills her with such confidence. 

Sam felt terrible for thinking it, but he wished he could have just had one uninterrupted day with her. He was desperate to know more about her, to have her know more about him, and it was hard to bond when his little brother was taking up all her attention. He knew that it was wicked to wish he’d left Vincent at home, especially considering how difficult he found it when Kent was away, but he couldn’t stop thinking it. He couldn’t help it. 

But there was a moment when Vincent stood barefoot in the shallows, digging his toes into the sand after leaving his sandcastle a few metres behind him. Sam watched him carefully, shuffling a little closer to Sabrina. 

‘It’s so nice of you to take Vincent out like this,’ Sabrina commented, leaning her head on his shoulder. It felt natural. 

‘I guess. It’s good for him to get some fresh air on a day like this.’ He grinned. ‘Our dad used to take us to the beach on sunny days.’ 

Vincent clearly heard him and jumped a little, then turned away from the sea and came towards the two sitting on the beach. He looked anxious, as if he was hiding a question he didn’t want to ask. 

‘Sam…?’ Vincent rubbed the back of his head, suddenly looking alarmingly like his older brother. ‘Is Dad ever going to come home?’ 

Sam sat bolt upright immediately and opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. What was he meant to say to that? It was something Sam often thought about himself, but now that Vincent had said it out loud it suddenly felt very real and he didn’t know how he felt about that becoming so material so quickly. He had always had a very difficult relationship with Kent and in many ways, it was easier for him personally when his father was away because he didn’t constantly feel like he couldn’t breathe, but Kent was still his father. What if he didn’t come back? Who would look after Jodi and Vincent? Sam didn’t feel like he was really very up to it anymore, as if he was far too young to handle such a responsibility, like he was even younger than Vincent. He had heard the reports on the radio. 

But he managed to crouch down in front of his brother, lowering himself down to the kid’s level. ‘Of course, Vince. Dad’s going to come home as soon as he possibly can.’ 

‘But I heard some grown-ups saying that… that all of our troops are getting shot to pieces.’ Vince was mumbling now, his eyes too watery for Sam’s liking. 

Sam was really panicking now. His chest was tight and he found it difficult to breathe. But Vincent could never see that, or know that – he had to stay strong for him, and protect him from the real world for as long as he possibly could. 

‘Don’t believe everything you hear!’ Sam replied, sounding a little too shrill. 

There was a comforting hand on his back, and when he looked up it was revealed to be Sabrina’s. Her brother was standing next to her, and he swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple moving in his neck. 

‘Hey, Vince.’ Jack crouched down like Sam and ruffled the kid’s red hair. ‘I fought in the exact same war that your dad is fighting in now. I came back, didn’t I? All those soldiers will come home. It just takes some of them longer than others. Your dad is coming home – he just has a job to do first.’ 

Sam took a deep breath, the horrible feeling in his chest beginning to ease. ‘Yeah! Don’t you remember how strong Dad is?’ he exclaimed, jumping on Jack’s bandwagon. ‘He’d never let a pathetic Gotoro grunt get him like that! Don’t you worry.’ He reached out and put his hands on his brother’s shoulders. ‘And always remember that Mom and me are here to play with you if you get lonely.’ 

‘And me and Sabrina too,’ Jack added, and Sabrina nodded, smiling. She could be surprisingly child-friendly when she wanted to be. 

‘And Jack and Sabrina too,’ Sam continued. 

Vincent, as children often did, seemed to forget how upset he’d been only ten seconds before. ‘Okay!’ he said happily, and then ran off to go and play in the sand again. 

Jack looked very pale, but he smiled tightly and clapped Sam on the back before walking back off towards Willy. Sabrina watched him go, looking a little worried, but she seemed happy enough when they sat down on the sand together. 

‘Thanks for helping out there,’ Sam sighed, leaning back onto his hands. ‘To be honest, I have no idea if my old man will ever come back…’ Sabrina reached out and took hold of his hand, and he took a deep breath. ‘We’ve all read the reports. Our soldiers are falling by the thousands. But what am I meant to say to Vincent?’ 

Sabrina could sense the desperation in his voice, the fear. These were the words of a boy forced to grow up way before his time, watching his younger brother have the childhood and the leeway he always wanted, whereas he had to become the ‘man of the house’ at the tender age of fifteen, when Kent had last gone away. He had still been a boy, a child. She scooted over a little and leaned her head on his shoulder, feeling him relax at the contact. 

‘You did the right thing, Sam. Kids should have hope. He’ll have to grow up one day and deal with the consequences of the real world, but he shouldn’t have to do that yet.’ 

Sam sighed heavily, as if he was relieved. ‘Thanks. I guess kids should play and have fun while they have the chance. Vincent should be allowed to hang onto his childhood for as long as he can.’ 

Sabrina reached up to put her hand in his hair. ‘You’re a good brother, Sam. I know it must be so difficult for you sometimes.’ 

Their faces were very close. ‘I hope so. I always at least try to do the right thing. I just… I don’t know if I can be as good as my dad was. He was our dad, and I’m still just a kid. Mom misses her husband and Vince misses his dad. How am I meant to take care of them, when I’m not her husband or his dad?’ 

Sabrina pressed her lips together and looked sad. ‘Sam, it’s not always your job. You’re still a young guy.’ 

‘You’re younger than me and you deal with way more,’ he insisted, ‘Mom and Vince are easy compared to all the stuff going on with Electra.’ 

‘Yeah, I guess, but our dad is gone now.’ Sabrina shrugged, and for a moment he saw vulnerability in her. It was fleeting, but it was there. ‘The only family we have is each other. We have to stick together because that’s all we have.’ 

‘You… like, you have me, y’know. I’m always here. For you.’ Sam glanced over at Vincent to make sure that he was indeed making a sandcastle. ‘Can I kiss you now?’ he asks softly. 

Sabrina blinked. ‘Yes, of course. You don’t have to ask.’ 

He leans in to kiss her, careful to keep it fairly chaste in case Vincent turns around and sees them, though all he wants to do is hold and kiss her. 

He had to take Vincent home at eight o’clock anyway, and after that he was free to do what he wanted. He was worried Sabrina would be mad for having wasted her day off playing with his kid brother and getting herself covered in sand, but she didn’t seem to care much. 

‘I’ll take the kid home,’ Jack offered. ‘I need to speak to Jodi about some vegetables she wants to buy off me, anyway.’ 

Vincent went off with Jack, waving to the two still standing on the beach. 

‘Why the long face?’ she asked after they’d left. ‘You look kind of annoyed.’ 

Sam turned to look at her and as usual, he just didn’t know what to say. She’d been catching a tan recently and her hair was being lit up by the setting sun. He sighed and looked towards the horizon, staring at all the different colours in the sky. 

‘I’m not annoyed. I just… it sounds so fucking selfish, but I wanted it to be just us. I didn’t mind Jack coming,’ he adds quickly, not wanting to offend her. ‘I just didn’t want to bring Vincent because I knew we wouldn’t be able to really talk.’ He hunches his shoulders over, not wanting to look at her, because he knows what he’s saying is evil. ‘Even though I know he’s dealing with a lot with my dad being away and all… but he never asks the easy questions either.’ 

‘Kids can be like that. At least he has you around if he wants to talk about it.’ 

‘Do you talk to your brother about your issues?’ 

Sabrina thought for a moment. ‘Sometimes. If it’s about guys then I talk to Haley because he gets too overprotective.’ 

‘I’ve never really spoken to Haley. She’s always seemed a bit…’ He couldn’t quite find the right word without sounding mean. 

‘Snobby?’ Sabrina’s voice brought him back down to earth with a bump. ‘Yeah, she’s like that. you just have to get on her wavelength, I guess. I like her, anyway. She’s always been there for me… when stuff happens.’ 

Sabrina swallows, and glances over at her brother in the distance again. Jack is laughing loudly and sharing a bottle of mead with Willy, and she sighs heavily. Sam reaches out and puts his arm round her. 

‘What stuff?’ 

‘Stuff. I don’t know. My brother. My sister. My dad. I still miss him.’ She leans into him and she raked a hand through her hair. ‘I just feel like when he was around, everything was under control. Jack tries his best, but…’ 

‘Electra?’ Sam asks, trying not to prod her too much, but she nods. 

‘Yeah. Electra. She’s got problems, bad problems, but she always blames me for it. I don’t know. Maybe I was the favourite child. Maybe I was the issue. I just… I wish she wouldn’t put so much shit in her body all the fucking time.’ 

Sam squeezes her tightly. ‘Does she get pissed a lot?’ 

‘Yeah, but not just pissed. High. All sorts. She just gets bad.’ 

Sabrina closed her eyes and tried not to remember it, but she’s not quite good enough at blocking it out yet. She can remember the constant screaming, shouting, arguing, helping Jack drag their sister to her bed and cleaning up the needles and the foil and all the mess, the cans and the bottles and all the trips to the emergency room that Jack ended up having to pay for because Electra never had any money. She remembers it all, the pain and the stress and the fact she just never got to go to goddamn college. 

As they walk back towards the farmhouse later in the evening, a chill in the air, Sam clutches her hand tight because he has a strange feeling that something bad is about to happen, but he can’t think what. 

*** 

Electra’s blue eyes are very wide, pupils dilated. She’s swaying, her mouth hanging open in a strange way. She sees Sam staring at her and her black eyebrows dip. 

‘What did you tell him about me?’ she slurs, and Sam feels Sabrina tense. It’s almost like she’s in her fighting stance, ready to defend herself. ‘What did you tell him about my private fucking business?’ 

‘Electra, you’re fucked. I didn’t tell him anything, anyway.’ 

‘Liar!’ Electra screams, and both of them jump. Sabrina’s grip on his hand tightens. Jack isn’t here to protect them, to sort it all out, and they’re dealing with it alone. ‘I’m not fucking fucked. I’m fucking fine.’ 

‘No, you’re not. What have you taken?’ 

‘Don’t act like the fucking adult here.’ Electra glares at her. She doesn’t just look like normal drunk Electra – she looks scary, almost as if she’s going to kill someone. ‘I know Jack like to let you act like you’re our mother, but you’re not, so don’t fucking mother me.’ 

‘You’ve literally nearly died so many times because of your dumb fucking issues, Electra, so maybe just excuse me if I sometimes have the tendency to mother you.’ 

Sabrina tries to push past her but Electra easily grabs her and yanks her in front of her. The blood is beating in Sam’s ears so hard he can barely hear. He clenches his fists so hard his nails cuts into his palms. Sabrina is stocky and has guts, but she’s also so much smaller than Electra and he’s afraid that if someone doesn’t step in soon then the older sister is going to win pretty quickly. But how is meant to jump in without somehow hurting Electra? Despite her arsehole behaviour, Sam has qualms about hurting a girl, and especially Sabrina’s sister. He’s also too skinny to really be a match for her. Where is Jack when they need him? 

‘Electra, let go of her. Please.’ He wants to sound threatening but it sounds more like he’s begging. 

She pushes Sabrina away from her and rounds on him. Her blue eyes are huge. ‘Do you want to fucking fight, Blondie?’ 

‘No, of course I don’t want to –’ 

‘Go on, then! Fucking fight me!’ she screams. Sam backs away, shaking his head. 

‘I don’t fight girls. Especially not Sabrina’s sister.’ 

‘Electra, leave him the fuck alone!’ Sabrina runs at her and Electra seems to throw her hand out as a reflex, smacking her sister hard in the face. Sabrina goes flying and lands on her backside on the porch. 

‘You fucking bitch!’ she screams, one side of her face bright red. Electra stares at her hand as if she can’t quite believe what she’s done. She looks at Sam, mouth agape, then back at Sabrina, then her face crumples and she starts to cry. 

Sam stares down at her. The scary older sister that he tends to steer clear of has sunk to her knees on the farmhouse porch and is crying, full-on loud wailing that sounds so full of agony and anger and pain, and it is only now that he can begin to fully understand that Electra’s addiction really is an illness. She is really struggling. 

‘Oh, for God’s sake,’ Sabrina mutters, pulling herself up from the ground and going to take hold of her sister’s arm. ‘Sam, get her other arm, will you? When she gets like this she won’t get up. Come on.’ 

He helps Sabrina drag her up from the floor and half-carry her inside to her bedroom. Electra’s bedroom almost makes her seem like a teenager – there’s band posters and Polaroids and the walls are literally painted black. Electra curls up small in her bed and starts sobbing. 

‘I’m a fuck up,’ she cries, ‘I know I am. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fucking do that. You and Jack would be better off without me, I know you would.’ 

‘Don’t be so stupid.’ Sabrina curls up beside her on the bed, her arms round her. ‘You’re my sister, Electra. But you have to sort this the fuck out. This has to be the last time. What are you going to do when Penny moves in? You don’t want her to see this, right?’ 

‘Penny. Fucking Penny, I can’t do this to her,’ Electra wails. ‘I swear I’ll get clean. This is the last time, I swear. The last time. Promise.’ 

But Sabrina knows that this is the same promise Electra has been making every week for years. She never holds up her end of the bargain. 

*** 

When Sabrina comes into the kitchen, Electra finally safe and sleeping, she rubs her eyes and stares when she sees Haley standing there with Sam, a white scarf wrapped tightly round her neck and her cheeks red from the cold. 

‘Haley?’ 

‘Come here, Brina.’ 

Haley opens her arms and Sabrina collapses into them. She wants to cry but she’s too exhausted. The tears seem to have run out by now. 

‘The sunshine kid filled me in. Please tell me you’re sending her to rehab tomorrow.’ 

Sabrina sinks down into a kitchen chair. Sam sits beside her and reaches for her hands. She doesn’t pull away. ‘How can I? If we send her against her will, she’ll never get properly better. She’ll just hate us and run away from us, and without me and Jack, where will she be? She needs to want to get better.’ 

Sam looks at her. ‘Peach, what she’s doing is borderline abuse! You should have seen her whack her,’ he tells Haley, who folds her arms and shakes her head. For once, he and Haley are united. ‘You’re tired. Your brother’s fucking tired.’ 

‘Yeah, I know.’ 

‘From what Jack told me, he’s still got PTSD that he’s dealing with. You deserve to be safe in your own house, to be able to live your own life.’ 

Sabrina rubs her face. Electra has always been her one weakness. ‘Look, she’s a bitch and she’s a mess, but she’s also really sick. It’s not like she can really help it. And she’s my sister. I couldn’t just send her away or something. I promised my dad I’d keep us all together.’ 

Sam sighs. ‘Oh, Peach.’ 

He puts his arms round her and she relaxes, reaching for Haley with one hand. The blonde girl takes her hand and holds on tight, and Sam rubs her back. 

‘I’m sorry I didn’t defend you,’ he mumbles, his face pressed into her shoulder. ‘I wish I had. But I didn’t want to hit her – I mean, I know it sounds so dumb and probably sexist but I didn’t want to hit a girl. And she’s your sister.’ 

‘Sam, you didn’t do anything wrong.’ 

Haley reaffirms this. ‘You did what anyone would do. And anyway, Electra could have probably killed you. She wasn’t thinking straight.’ 

‘You’re here, and that’s what matters.’ 

Sam kisses her ear and clings on tighter. He hates leaving her here – it doesn’t seem safe for Sabrina here, not at all. He wants to protect her, but how can he? The problem is her sister, who she refuses to abandon, no matter what shit she pulls. And as much as Sam doesn’t particularly like Electra at all, he knows he would always do the same for Vincent, and he has no desire to try to break apart a family that has already lost so much. 

‘Haley says she’ll stay over tonight,’ Sam tells her, ‘And it’s Saturday tomorrow, so I’ll be back at about midday, all right?’ 

‘Okay.’ Sabrina sits up and pushes her fringe back from her face. She looks tired, so tired. Sam wonders how long she’ll put up with all this until she snaps. ‘Thank you both, so, so much.’ 

‘Don’t ever thank me,’ Sam tells her, and before he leaves, he kisses her, savouring the shot moment where he can just hold her, and she can taste maple bar on his lips. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’ 

Haley waves him off and goes back inside to see Sabrina sitting at the table, her head in her hands. 

‘Brina?’ 

‘I know it’s bad, Haley, but I don’t know what to do. I swear I’ve tried practically everything at this point. Jack’s got enough going on, there’s no point pushing him back over the edge again.’ 

‘Come on. Let’s get ready for bed and wait up for your brother, okay? I’ve already called him and he’s on his way home now.’ 

For a moment, Haley puts her arms round her friend and Sabrina rests her head against her stomach, her eyes closed, just enjoying the silence that was always broken just as she was beginning to enjoy it.


	9. Migraines (Sam)

Jack answered the door that Saturday morning, still in his pyjama trousers. 

‘Oh, hey, Sam,’ he said, clapping him on the shoulder. ‘You’re here for Sabrina? She not tell you she was a bit poorly, then? She gets these migraines sometimes.’ Jack looks over his shoulder, biting his lip. ‘Maybe you can come and say hello, anyway. I could use the company too, if you’re up for chilling. Haley had to run Emily’s keys to her at the saloon.’ 

Sam didn’t mind the idea of hanging out with Jack at all, but now he was terrified at the prospect of Sabrina being ill. She was always such a strong and robust girl, and the idea of her being sick made him feel scared. He followed Jack through the living room, who nodded at her bedroom door and then went back into the kitchen. 

He pushed open the door very slowly. ‘Sabrina? It’s me. Sam.’ 

No answer. He pushed the door open a little more, then open wide. The curtains were drawn and the room was dark, and he could just about make out a small figure in the bed, huddled up under the duvet. 

‘Sabrina?’ 

She groaned from underneath the covers. ‘Don’t speak too loud.’ 

He lowered his voice. ‘Are you really sick?’ 

‘If my head feeling like it’s splitting open counts as really sick, then yeah.’ 

He slid into the bed next to her, taking care not to nudge her too hard or anything. He put his arms round her, holding her protectively. She wasn’t like herself at all – he couldn’t bear to see her like this, sick and pale with dark shadows under her eyes. 

‘It’s all right now. I’m here.’ 

‘I still don’t feel any better.’ 

‘You will.’ 

She snorted. ‘If you say so.’ 

He ran his fingers gently through her hair. ‘You’ll be all right, Peach.’ 

At this he saw her smile, and he knew he’d gotten through to her. 

‘You remembered.’ 

‘Remembered what?’ 

‘That my dad called me Peach.’ 

‘Of course. Besides, Jack does, too. I always call you Peach, but maybe you don’t remember because of your migraine.’ 

She opens her eyes very slowly and takes hold of his hand loosely, then closes her eyes again. ‘You’re pretty great, Sam.’ 

It’s such a simple and basic compliment, something that Sabrina tells him all the time, but it still fills him with ecstasy, makes a light burn bright inside his chest. It makes everything seem so much more worth it, because she likes him. After being constantly put down by Kent for years and years, the fact that someone like Sabrina wants to tell him he’s great is something he never thought he’d be able to see. 

‘Nah. I had no idea you got migraines anyway.’ 

‘It doesn’t happen that often anymore. I had a dream, last night, a weird one about my dad, and I just haven’t felt great today.’ 

‘Oh.’ He runs his fingers gently through her dark hair. ‘Y’know, my mom used to get them. When my dad first goes away she always feels funny and gets a bit weird about stuff.’ 

‘Weird?’ 

‘I think she just gets lonely without him. I mean, I go to work and stuff now or I’m always hanging out with Seb and Abby – well, not so much recently. But yeah. I think Vince and I just can’t really replace Dad.’ 

Sabrina sighs and snuggles closer. ‘Poor thing.’ 

‘Who?’ 

‘You. You feel so responsible for them.’ 

‘I guess so. But don’t you guys all feel responsible for each other? Jack always talks about how he wants to look after you two.’ 

Sabrina sighs again. ‘It’s the only thing that keeps him going. After the war, he had nothing left except from me and Electra. Each other is all we have. I had a dream about my dad last night,’ she laments, leaning her head into him. ‘I usually throw up afterwards and then I get a migraine, but Haley was there so I’ve been okay.’ 

‘I’m glad Haley is your friend.’ He strokes her hair again. ‘She’s good.’ 

‘Yeah. She is. So are you. I’m lucky in lots of ways,’ Sabrina murmurs, and before long she is fast asleep. Sam kisses the top of her head and quietly leaves the bedroom, closing the door slowly. 

‘I got her to fall asleep,’ he tells Jack, who is sitting at the kitchen table with a coffee and a stack of documents. ‘What’re you doing?’ 

‘Ugh, boring legal shit. It’s about the house – my dad’s house, that is. I’m selling it off so we can divide the estate between us, but it’s a long-winded process.’ He reaches for a glasses case that Sam never realised has always sat on the table, and puts a pair of glasses on. 

Sam stares. ‘I didn’t know you wore glasses!’

‘I don’t. Well, I do, but only for reading. I need to actually be able to read this stuff.’ He scratches his head and sighs. ‘I had to have toast this morning because Peach was sick and I miss my full breakfast, I won’t lie. Have you eaten?’ 

He shakes his head. ‘Nah. Mom tried to give me toast as well, but I was too worried about Peach to eat much. Couldn’t concentrate.’ 

Jack smiles at him. ‘You’re a good kid, you know. You’re good to her. Tell you what, I fancy being a bit wicked and getting a pizza. You down? It’s my treat.’ 

Sam nods eagerly and Jack rings Gus to put in an order. 

‘Peach makes homemade pizzas sometimes, and they’re good. It’s our dad’s old recipe – he used to make the bases and we’d decorate them ourselves as kids.’ He sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose. ‘I miss my old man, you know. It’s weird – he just always knew what to do and what to say, and I try to be the same for the girls, but I think the war messed me up too much for me to actually be as grown up as I should be.’ 

‘But you’re good to them. They love you – I mean, I know Electra can be kind of crazy, but Sabrina loves you.’ 

‘She’s a good kid. I just – I’m trying to give her a life where she at least doesn’t have to look after everyone else anymore but it’s not really going very well, as you can see.’ Jack sighs, and he looks pretty deflated. Sam feels sorry for him; he’s a good brother, and he’s trying to essentially be their father too, and it’s hard, especially considering he’s got his own shit going on too. ‘I just didn’t want her to have to grow up so fast, especially when she’s the youngest, too.’ 

Sam has a nice, lazy afternoon with Jack while his sisters sleep. Jack goes through legal paperwork and Sam picks up the pizzas from the saloon. 

‘So, Penny and Electra… they’re, like, a thing, right?’ Sam asks, reaching for a slice of pizza. 

‘Yeah, they are. But it’s on the down low because of Pam – and we’ve been speaking to Penny about her moving in soon. I don’t think it’s going to be easy on her because it’ll more than likely completely fuck up her relationship with her mom, but from what I gather that’s a break that needs to happen.’ 

Sam shakes his head. ‘Penny’s probably my oldest friend. We grew up together. Pam was terrible even then. Penny doesn’t even know who her dad is. If we hadn’t had each other, I reckon we’d have been pretty much alone.’ 

‘It’s a shame. Penny’s such a sweetheart. I’ve got no issues with her moving in – I adore her, and I want to take her out of such a fucking terrible environment.’ 

Sam is glad that someone is finally looking out for Penny, but maybe Electra isn’t the best person to do so.  
***  
Sam is used to Sabrina’s spontaneous phone calls by now. 

‘Hey,’ he says into the phone on Friday afternoon, ‘We’ll have to make this quick, my mom’s in the next room and she’s nosy as fuck.’ 

‘Oh yeah. I forgot you had a real family.’ He can hear the sizzling of something cooking on the stove. ‘Sorry, don’t mind my bacon sandwich in the background. Do you want to come round tonight? You could stay the weekend, or a bit of it. You’re not working, right?’ 

‘You want me to stay? For the whole weekend?’ He asks, his heart beating faster. He still hasn’t gotten used to this, though. The fact she wants him round all the time, that she never gets bored of him. He’d never stayed round either, and she certainly hadn’t stayed at his. Jodi would never allow it. 

‘Well, I mean, not to be gross but I’m on my period and it fucking hurts, so I’m not really feeling horny if that’s what you were asking. But you can bring me ice cream and a hot water bottle if you want.’ 

He goes bright red but manages to crack a smile. ‘Of course I can.’ 

‘You’re the best, Jesus. Then I’ll make you breakfast and dinner and stuff, none of that Joja shit you subject your poor body to. Trust me, I know what’s in those and none of it is natural, let me tell you. I’ll show you the farm properly as well. How’s that sound?’ 

‘It sounds fucking great.’ 

He can’t help but be excited whenever he gets to go and see her. They rarely make plans; she just rings him up when she wants and asks him to come round. 

Today she’s wearing a blue and white cotton dress, her braids running down her back, Fred at her feet. She hugs him tightly when he gets there, and he buries his face in her hair. 

‘Did you have a bad day? You seem kind of stressed,’ Sabrina says as he follows her through into the kitchen. ‘Also, I’m making parmesan chicken. Again. Sorry if that kind of sucks. But we’re having salad to make it healthy.’ 

‘Parmesan chicken sounds wicked to me. And, well, it’s just trying to explain to Vin that you know, Dad isn’t gonna die.’ He sighs, taking off his glasses and rubbing the bridge of his nose. ‘I mean, our army is losing, but I can’t tell him that.’ Sam stands behind her as she chops cucumber for the salad, sliding his hands round her waist. He needs her comfort, her warmth, to feel her against him. 

‘Oh, Sam. That’s so tough. But y’know, kids should hold onto their little childhoods for as long as they can.’ She dumps the cucumber in the salad bowl a little too hard. ‘You don’t know how quick they can be fucking snatched away from you.’ 

To keep the conversation light, he opens the chocolate he bought from Pierre’s and feeds her pieces of it and refills her glass with diet Coke periodically while he watches her cook, wondering where she learned all this stuff, and when she’s put the lid on the pot she turns to him and says, ‘Can I sit on your lap?’ 

It feels good, Sabrina sitting on his lap sideways, her arms round his neck, her face buried in his neck. It’s soft and warm and makes him feel wanted, maybe even needed. He keeps one hand on the small of her back, rubbing gentle circles with his hand. She arches her back at his touch, feeling the need to be close to him, to breathe in the smell of his clothes, washing powder and chocolate and coffee. 

‘Sam?’ she says into his neck, elongating the ‘a’ and reminding him of his little brother when he wants something but is too shy to ask for it. 

‘Yeah?’ 

‘Wait.’ She shifts, lifting her head so her breath tickles his ear. ‘I think I really like you.’ 

There is a long pause, in which Sam just sits there for a moment, stunned. And then, as if all his problems have melted away, he smiles and looks down at her little nervous face as she chews her lips. 

‘I really like you too, silly.’ 

She relaxes, fingers playing with the curls at the back of his head, the hairs on his neck standing on end, goosebumps rising on his arms. 

‘Also,’ Sabrina murmurs, as Fred rubs his head against Harvey’s leg. ‘Um, I bought condoms. If this is gonna be a thing, you know.’ 

Sam jumps, and she feels it. Panic rises in his throat as he realises that they’ll be doing that at some point. He has no idea on how to actually have sex, or how to even initiate it in the first place, and he doesn’t want to ask Sebastian or Abigail because they’ll just laugh at him like he’s some kind of little kid, and he can’t exactly Google it in case someone sees him doing it. 

‘It’s all right. I mean, I’m clean, but you can’t be too careful, right?’ she asks, misunderstanding. ‘And I’m guessing that you are too, if you don’t, you know, fuck around much or whatever.’ She hears him gulp and knows that his face must be turning red with embarrassment, and quickly she adds, ‘I’m on the pill, too. So… yeah. All’s good. Just for your info and all.’ 

‘Got it,’ Sam nods, wondering if it’s becoming increasingly obvious to her that he’s such a complete virgin. He feels like he’s about to spontaneously combust. ‘Yep.’ 

‘Don’t sweat it,’ Sabrina hops off his lap and goes to check the pan, sniffing hopefully and looking pleased. ‘It’ll just happen when it happens or whatever. Should’ve said something earlier, I guess. I don’t know, in the Joja stockroom… I wasn’t really thinking about rubbers.’ 

She seems to forget about the subject as soon as she’s mentioned it, however, as she serves dinner with a flourish and unties her flowery apron, sitting opposite him and looking nervous. He realises he’s never even taken her on a date and makes a mental note to find a restaurant in Zuzu City where no one can bother them and gossip. 

‘I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of this,’ Sam tells her, swallowing. 

‘It’s the easiest thing to make, you know.’ 

‘I honestly can’t cook. I swear, I’ve tried, and it all goes to shit as soon as I’ve started,’ he admits, shaking his head. ‘I feel like such a kid compared to you, y’know? My mom still makes all my dinners.’ 

‘And now me,’ Sabrina replies, sipping diet Coke. ‘I can make lots of easy dinners though. I’ll show you sometime, okay? Then you can impress Jodi.’ 

Sam wonders where on earth he found this girl. She feels like an angel, sent to him by someone to help him escape his mundane, sad life, where he wasted his years dreaming of being a rockstar. 

‘It’s Abigail’s twenty-first soon,’ Sabrina says, scraping her hair behind her ears. ‘We were all trying to think of something really cool to surprise her with, and Haley suggested we all go out in the city on the weekend. I reckon it would be fun.’ 

‘And messy,’ Sam adds, with raised eyebrows and a big grin. 

‘Well, yeah. But Pierre and Caroline are literally such Debbie downers about everything so it would be a good idea to just take her out and send her home absolutely trolleyed. Can you imagine Pierre’s face?’ She sniggers, and then looks at Sam and rolls her eyes. ‘Just kidding. Everyone will stay here at mine. No parents, no one to tut at us while we throw up everywhere.’ 

‘God, you’re such a bad influence on poor Abby.’ Sam shakes his head. ‘Am I invited?’ 

‘Of course! And Sebastian, I suppose.’ Her fringe falls in her eyes and she blows upwards. ‘It’s gonna be fun. Besides, I am very good at caring for drunk people. Jack was probably the worst, honestly. I used to wake up at four in the morning and he wouldn’t be home, so I’d put my coat over my pyjamas and have to do the usual rounds looking for him. At least Electra would somehow find her way home, no matter how fucked she was.’ 

Sam shakes his head again. ‘I can’t even fucking imagine.’ 

‘Seriously, it was bad. I’d always just hope he was in a pub or bar somewhere, but if he wasn’t in his usual spots I’d have to check the goddamn hospital. He used to get into all sorts of fights and shit, and once he even needed his stomach pumped.’ 

She smiled a little, but it was a weird kind of smile, as if she didn’t really want to remember it but couldn’t help it. ‘I remember this year when we were like, five inches deep in snow, and I woke up really early in the morning, and he wasn’t back so I had to go and find him in a fucking blizzard.’ 

She could remember the day she found him passed out in the snow, trying to hail a taxi in what was practically a snowstorm, how he was ice cold to the touch, his face and hands blue and freezing, his clothes wet. She could remember him lying in that hospital bed for a week with pneumonia. How he acted like it wasn’t a big deal when she’d cried at home every day after visiting hours. 

‘My dad’s a big drinker,’ Sam offers, realising he hasn’t really spoken much about himself in comparison. ‘It’s been hard for my mom, I think. I used to try to ignore it most of the time.’ 

‘Is your dad coming home soon, then?’ she asks gently, and seems to understand when he just nods, unable to speak. 

In his head, he adds that recently he hasn’t wanted to leave her, either. His dad’s base is so far away that it’s impossible to just do a day trip, or even a couple of days. He can’t imagine leaving for a week and not being able to go to the farmhouse on the weekend. It’s the only thing he really looks forward to the entire week, and he has to content himself with texts and phone calls until the next time he can see Sabrina again. 

He constantly reminds himself how lucky he is to have her, because she constantly makes everything so easy, so simple, when he is the one crippled by his extreme virginity. When they sit down to watch a movie in her bedroom, Sabrina curls up with a hot water bottle and he keeps one arm hooked round her waist, desperate to at least have some form of physical contact with her. The movie is an old one in black and white, and he wouldn’t have pinned her as someone who liked old movies, but she watches it intently, her eyes following every movement on the screen. 

‘God, my feet kill,’ she huffs, scowling at the television. ‘I had to lug all this hay back from Marnie’s. Being a farmer really sucks sometimes.’ 

‘Give one to me,’ Sam tells her, nodding towards her small feet in their ankle socks, and Sabrina turns very pink. ‘It’ll help.’ 

‘I didn’t – I didn’t mean that you have to-’ 

He cuts her off, leaning down to grab her feet, turning her round so her legs are over his lap, and slides her socks, beginning to rub gently but firmly in small circles, and she relaxes completely, lolling back on the bed, head turned to the side so she can still watch the movie.

If he can do something - anything - for her in return for everything she has done for him, he will.


	10. Alex's Closet (Sam)(Alex)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we kind of delve into Alex and Jack's story here, at least the beginning of it... and I hope you guys enjoy it! If you're still here, then I love you xo

When Sam wakes the next morning, he glances at the alarm clock on the side and sees that it’s about five to seven. Sighing, he turns back round and his eyes settle on Sabrina, who is lying on her stomach, covers kicked off in the night. Her big t-shirt has ridden up and he can see every inch of her legs, the lace of her panties just visible. She is small – small breasts, small hips, slight shoulders, and he just loves it. He remembers seeing her in the yellow backless sundress – she’s thin, her shoulder blades poking out like little wings, and it makes him bite his lip with worry. Does she eat well? She must do, if she’s such a good cook. There’s a fine silver chain round her neck that he’s never noticed before, with a silver ring hanging on it. He looks at her face, fingers curled into a fist just under her nose, her mouth slightly open, long lashes fluttering gently. Her face is completely devoid of makeup and her cheeks are flushed with sleep, her fringe messy and sticking out in funny places. 

She’s perfect. 

As soon as it hits seven the alarm clock goes off, painfully loud in Sam’s tired ears. 

‘Ughhhhhhhh,’ Sabrina groans, yawning and rolling over onto her back, battering the alarm clock into submission. ‘Fucks sake. Sorry, Sam.’ 

‘It’s all right,’ he replies, sighing and rubbing his eyes. ‘No lie ins on a farm, am I right?’ 

‘You have no idea. You can sleep in, though. I just need to check on my wines and feed Patrick and Fred. The others will do most of the morning work. Lie back,’ she tells him as she sits up, hands smoothing down the fabric of the white undershirt he slept in. ‘I’ll be back before you know it.’ 

He watches her go, then decides that he wants to be with her as much as he possibly can and he doesn’t want to be a lazy sod for once, so he swings his legs out of bed and pulls on borrowed plaid pyjama bottoms. Sabrina is putting a pot of coffee on, a short pink silk dressing gown wrapped tightly round her frame. 

‘Morning, Blondie,’ she laughs as he grabs her waist and pulls her towards him, nuzzling his face into her cheek. 

‘Morning, Peach,’ he murmurs, smattering kisses all over her cheeks and neck, stubble scraping along her jaw. 

Sam stands behind her as she mixes pancake batter, feeling an intense need to be close to her, this beacon of light and hope that makes him sleep soundly and makes him blush from head to toe whenever she calls him ‘Blondie’ or ‘sunshine boy.’ Sabrina doesn’t seem to mind and giggles whenever he kisses her, pouring the batter into a pan and turning the heat down. Suddenly she turns round to face him and winds her arms tightly round his neck again. There’s a mischievous grin on her face, and she doesn’t give him time to think. She jumps up surprisingly high and his hands automatically move to grab her hips, and her legs lock tightly around his waist. 

Sam stares down at her, but she seems to just want to hug him and nothing more, for which he’s grateful for – he hasn’t even showered, after all. 

‘I hope I do okay when it… when it happens, y’know. I think it’s gonna be fucking embarrassing, let’s be honest,’ he chuckles and rubs the back of his neck. 

‘It will be just fine, so button that lip.’ She sniffs the air and with a look of horror, she shrieks, ‘Fuck! Pancakes!’ 

The pan has to be washed out and she starts again while Sam showers, chuckling to himself. When he reappears, he is dressed in his own jeans and a black t-shirt borrowed from Jack, and his blue Joja hoodie. It makes Sabrina smile, because he looks so sweet like that, his hair still wet. 

‘What’re you looking at?’ he asks, suddenly feeling self-conscious. 

‘You, of course.’ Sabrina serves pancakes on blue china plates, drizzling maple syrup over the top of his and cutting a lemon in half for her. ‘You look cute.’ 

Sam flushes and sits down to eat his pancakes while she showers. When Sabrina returns, her hair is braided down her back and she’s hooked herself into her denim overalls, buckling the belt round her middle. 

‘I’m gonna go feed my horse and Fred before I eat. I’ll be back in a bit.’ 

She pulls on her muddy boots and he watches her greeting every single chicken and duck that are flapping about outside the coop, pecking at the ground. The pancakes are gone quickly and he steps into the sunshine, watching her with a soft smile, a strange warm feeling in his chest. The fact she manages to get all of this done herself every single day and still have him over on weekends and cook for him and her siblings is beyond him. He makes a mental note to try and do more to help her, because she never even asks for help from anyone – she just does it all herself, and he has no idea how she manages. 

He stands there, a cup of coffee in his hands. The leaves are changing colour, going from green to bright reds and oranges, but the morning sun is still bright. He sips and sighs, watching Sabrina put her straw hat on and reach for her big ginger cat. He could get used to this. 

*** 

He lays his head back against her shoulder and she starts giving him a shave. He hates to have to admit it, but she’s actually better at it than he is. She gives a much closer shave and never misses bits like he does. 

‘So golden boy over here gets a shave and I don’t?’ Jack’s voice sounded as he came into the farmhouse from the fields, wiping the sweat from his forehead. ‘Only kidding, Peach. I’m gonna go shower. What’s for lunch?’ 

‘Lunch? It’s only eleven o’clock!’ 

‘Yeah, and? I’m hungry.’ 

‘We’re having spaghetti. Happy?’ 

‘Yep. See you kids in a second. Oh, and Electra seems okay. She’s just sleeping through a come down.’ 

*** 

‘Abigail is having a girls’ night out and then also a big dinner for her birthday, y’know,’ Sabrina tells Sam, eyebrows dipped in concentration. ‘Like, with all the other girls and boys as well. You should come too.’ 

‘Mmm,’ is all he can say, scared that if he moves she’ll accidentally cut him. 

‘I mean, I know you’ve been off with Sebastian recently. I can’t say that he’s my favourite person right now either, but I have to go because it’s Abigail’s birthday. And I think it could actually be fun, y’know.’ 

‘Mmm.’ 

‘Well, it’s up to you. Jack will be there, too.’ 

‘If you want me to go, I’ll go,’ he mutters, trying not to move his mouth too much. ‘I just don’t want to make it awkward because of the whole thing with Seb.’ 

‘Well.’ She dipped the razor in water and turned Sam’s head ever so slightly, then brought the blade slowly down across the left side of his jaw. ‘I don’t think that would be a problem. I mean, all the girls think it’s cool that we’re seeing each other at least, which is good, right?’ 

‘Hmm.’ 

‘They do keep asking me about your dick size, though.’ 

Sam jumped in shock. Sabrina tutted and glared at him. ‘Jesus Christ, Blondie. I know you struggle to stay still but it’s imperative this time. We’ve done this before.’ 

‘Sorry.’ 

‘So you’ll come?’ 

He swallows. ‘All right. I’ll come.’ 

Sabrina tucked a stray piece of blond hair behind his ear, leaning forward for the towel. ‘There we go. All done. Very cute.’ 

He looks up at her and there’s a moment where they just look at each other, and she focuses on how pretty his blue eyes are and the flecks of green in them. He opens his mouth as if he’s about to say something, then she leans forward, kisses his forehead and the spell is broken. 

*** 

‘I’ll do most of the heavy lifting,’ Jack says, pulling on his gardening gloves. ‘I just need you do all the bits like watering and weeding, which takes time but I have to go and sort out the old shitty greenhouse so that Robin can build a new one.’ 

‘Thanks for being there for Peach, by the way,’ Jack tells him, lifting planks of wood and random bits of metal and throwing them into a pile with ease. ‘I do my best, but… well, I’m her brother and I suppose she doesn’t always feel that she can talk to me about a lot of things. Especially… about Electra. I feel fucking terrible for letting you see all her bullshit.’ 

Sam turned the tap on to fill up the watering can. ‘It’s all right. I don’t mind. Is Electra okay?’ 

‘She’ll be fine,’ Jack replies, but he doesn’t look convinced. ‘I’m still sorry you’ve had to deal with all the fighting between my sisters. I wish I had a fast solution, but… I don’t. It’s gonna take a while for them to actually patch things up.’ 

Sam started watering the melon crops that were near to the greenhouse. ‘I mean, I know Sabrina loves her. She really does care about her – I just get the idea Electra doesn’t want to know.’ 

‘It’s difficult. I mean, I know Peach said she spoke to you a little bit about it all. When our dad was dying, I was away at war and it was the worst time of my life, because I couldn’t come home and be there with him and with my sisters. Electra just kept messing up all the time – Dad tried to pay for her to go to college but she dropped out, and Sabrina actually wanted to go to college but by that time, Dad was sick and all his savings got eaten up in medical bills.’ Jack sighed and threw a metal beam as far as he could. ‘It was just a fucking nightmare. Electra was out of control – she basically disappeared and left Sabrina on her own.’ 

Sam raked a hand through his hair. He glanced towards the farmhouse. ‘So… she just looked after your dad on his own? She just said that Electra was out partying and stuff.’ 

Jack stood up and wiped his forehead. He really was massive. ‘It’s… it’s not just that. When Dad was literally on his deathbed, he hadn’t seen Electra in months and he wanted to see her one last time, and Peach tried and tried to get hold of her. She literally sent her a message saying, Dad is dying, and Electra still never came.’ He sat down on one of the beams and pushed his hair back, shaking his head. ‘Dad died. He didn’t see her. Peach hasn’t been able to forgive her – and I don’t blame her. I’m surprised she’s not angry with me. She was alone the whole time, with her fucking messes of siblings to take care of too. Electra can’t just fucking say sorry like anyone else would.’ Jack looked up and smiled. ‘Sorry, kid. That got a bit dark. And you’ve heard this story a million times.’ 

‘It’s all right. I don’t mind.’ Sam grinned and reached over for a juice box from the little picnic table, throwing one to the man opposite him. ‘Jack? Can I ask you a question? And you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to.’ 

‘Knock yourself out, Blondie,’ he replied, sticking the straw in the carton. It was funny to see such a big strong man drinking from a little juicebox. Strangely, it seemed as if there was still a young boy inside Jack that never truly got to live before he became a man. 

‘When you came home from the war… were you different?’ 

Jack didn’t speak for a long time. He stared down at his feet for a while, and Sam started panicking. Had he upset him? Had he triggered him to remember something terrible? 

‘This is about your dad, isn’t it?’ 

Sam swallowed. ‘Kind of. We never really got on too well before he went, and now he’s been away for so long… I don’t know what it will be like when he gets home.’ 

‘Yeah. I was different. But I never took it out on the girls – at least, I tried very hard not to. I just focused on them, if I’m honest. I didn’t have anything to really focus on once I’d left the army so I just concentrated on sorting out the mess at home. It was bad at first – Electra was fucking crazy and Sabrina was traumatised. I had the whole will to sort out, and it’s still not even sorted. My sisters can be a nightmare but I love them. They’re my family. That’s what I remember when… when its bad.’ He took a long swig from his juice box. ‘That’s what your dad will remember. He’ll look at Jodi and Vince and you and remember that that’s what he came home for.’ 

Sam hoped that that would be the case. Somehow, he didn’t think that Kent would have the same attitude as Jack. Even though Jack had to shout sometimes, he was always hugging his sisters and helping them and he was fiercely protective of them. Kent was not a bad father, but he’d always picked on Sam – just picking and picking away at him and making him feel smaller and smaller by the minute. Jack wasn’t exactly their dad, but if their real dad had been anything like him, then Sam thought he must have been a good father. 

‘Like I said, I’m glad Peach has you around now. I’m glad she has good friends like Haley and those other two funny kids.’ Jack smiled. ‘It’s time she started doing things for herself now, not just for everyone else.’ 

‘I… er, I really like Sabrina, you know.’ Sam looks down at his juice box. He always ends up chewing the straw. ‘I do. I just want you to think that I’m good enough for her.’ 

‘Of course you are. I want her to have someone like you in her life, someone who will care of her.’ He sighs and tosses the empty juice box. ‘Someone that will look after her so I won’t have to worry.’ 

But there is a sadness in Jack’s eyes. Sam feels that he understands him now – his sisters are his purpose, his reason for living. The youngest is now growing up, branching out, creating her own relationships, and she is beginning to drift away from him. Jack’s greatest project is almost complete, and a day will come where Sabrina no longer needs him. 

*** 

‘I wish I didn’t have to go,’ Sam sighs and sinks into a kitchen chair as Sabrina makes a spaghetti sauce. ‘I don’t wanna go to work tomorrow. I hate Joja Mart.’ 

Sabrina leaves the stove for a moment and hugs him from behind, her arms wrapping themselves round his neck – he holds onto her hands, clinging to her while he can. ‘I miss you when you’re not here, y’know.’ 

Sam’s heart skips a beat. ‘I… I miss you too. Can’t you guys just hire me here? My job sucks. All I have is sulky old Shane to work with and he never speaks or anything, and Morris breathes down my neck all the time like some weirdo.’ He looks up at her. ‘Also, are you free on Friday? My mom wants you to come for that dinner.’ 

‘I’ll make sure I am. I’m excited to try Jodi’s famous fish casserole.’ She bends down and kisses the top of his head. ‘Does she want me to bring the fish for her?’ 

‘Oh, fuck, don’t encourage her,’ Sam groans, ‘I mean, her fish casserole is great but she makes it all the time now and it’s the only thing I’ve eaten for the last six months, I swear. At least you cook lots of different things.’ 

Sabrina snorted. ‘You have no idea how many fiddlehead risottos and crap I had to make when Jack first came home. He’d eaten slop in the forces for like, two years, so he was desperate for his favourite dinners when he got back.’ 

‘I hope I can be as good a brother as Jack is for Vincent,’ Sam muses, going off topic as usual. ‘He really cares about you and Electra. Speaking of Electra, how is she?’ 

‘Fine. I checked up on her a few times. Next time it happens I think we’ll have to take her to Harvey, though. This is too much to handle all the goddamn time.’ She slides her arms back and stands up, turning her attention back to her sauce. ‘Are you excited for Abigail’s birthday? I’m excited for the girls’ night out, anyway. And did you text Sebastian?’ 

Sam sighs heavily and takes out his phone. ‘I forgot. But I’ll do it now.’ 

‘Good boy. You’ll thank me for it.’ 

‘Uh huh.’ 

_Sabrina and I are a bit more than friends, so you were right. I’m sorry for lying to you. Can we just talk soon, at least before Abby’s birthday?_

Sebastian replies within the next five minutes. 

_Sure. ___

__Sam waits._ _

_I’m sorry too. For being a dickhead._

__He grins. Checkmate._ _

*** 

Alex throws his gridball at the wall of Pierre’s General Store and catches it, then throws it again and catches it when it bounces back. He wishes he could give up his love for the stupid sport, but he can’t. He wishes he hadn’t put all his eggs in one basket. He had a sports scholarship to a good college but a bad knee injury had lost him the stupid scholarship, fucked his future and now he was stuck in Pelican Town, with no real prospects at all. George was forever going on at him to get a job, but where was he supposed to work? He was essentially banned from working in the mines and Joja Mart weren’t hiring. 

A shadow was cast over him and he looked up, the ball slipping from his grasp and bouncing all over the place as he saw Jack standing over him. He was sure that he’d never meant to be an intimidating presence, but it was hard not to feel a little small under his gaze. He was huge – muscles rippled in his biceps, his abs were clearly visible through his white t-shirt. Alex wished he wouldn’t look at him the way he did – he looked so earnest, so nice, in a way that a man had never looked at him before. He especially wished he could stop staring back at him, but he just looked so goddamn _good_ that it was almost impossible. 

‘Hi,’ Alex muttered, bright red in the face and scrambling to pick up the ball that was rolling around on the ground. 

‘Hey,’ Jack replied, cool as a cucumber. ‘Wanna play?’ 

‘Huh?’ 

‘Gridball. Me and you. Do you wanna play? I don’t think I’ve played since I came home. Me and the guys used to play it between training and drills and shit to keep ourselves entertained.’ 

Alex blinked at him, confused. 

‘I was in military service,’ Jack explained, taking the grid ball out of Alex’s hands and walking off towards the old community center. ‘We should play back here, there’s more space. Do you not play pro? I’ve seen you around – you’re fuckin good.’ 

Alex smooths his t-shirt out with his hands. He hates explaining it. He doesn’t want people to think he’s some poor lamb who busted his knee and couldn’t go to college. ‘Um, knee injury. Couldn’t play for six months.’ 

‘Aw, that sucks. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t train properly. Do you do any other sports?’ He launches the ball at Alex and he doesn’t quite catch it because the ferocity with which Jack throws it is off the scale. ‘Ah, shit. Sorry, I should have asked you if you were ready. Alexander, is it?' He scowls back. 'Well, yeah, but people call me Alex.' Jack shrugs. 'Mm. Alexander suits me fine.' 

If it was possible for him to go any redder, he does. How does Jack act so cool as a cucumber all the time? It’s widely known that he’s gay, as he’s never really done anything to hide it, but Alex doesn’t quite know what to do with that information. Alex, to the general public, is not gay, and he doesn't plan on revealing it anytime soon. As he bends down to pick the ball up again, Jack asks, ‘Hey, are you all right? You look kind of constipated. No offence.’ 

Alex closes his eyes in agony. Does Jack not realise it all started when Sabrina, the youngest Montgomery sibling, knocked on his window and leapt right through before he even said anything, gave him a number written on a sheet of baking paper and said, ‘Call him. The sexual tension is unbearable,’ and then gone on her way? He’s often envied Sabrina, the little funny girl who was usually running around in denim overalls with Sam in tow, and he envied Sam too. He envied their relationship – they were always hand in hand, whispering away about secrets and kissing in front of the adults. Neither of them ever seemed to give a fuck – none of the Montgomerys ever did, especially the middle one. Alex wished he had that kind of confidence, the kind of confidence everyone thought he had. 

‘Why did your sister give me your number?’ he blurted out, holding the grid ball close to his chest. 

Jack held his hands out for the ball. ‘Why didn’t you call me? Or at least text, anyway.’ 

‘Because I didn’t know if – why you gave me your number.’ 

Jack raised his dark eyebrows, looking alarmingly like his little sister. ‘Seriously?’ 

Alex swallowed. He could never look at Jack without blushing anymore. He often went to the spa to chill out and cool down after a workout, and about a month ago he’d come out of the sauna to take a shower when he heard that the water was already running. The showers were public and he only liked to shower alone – he didn’t exactly want everyone and their mum looking at him with his dick out. No one ever really used the spa, so he didn’t usually have an issue. He’d seen Jack doing lengths in the pool quite a few times, usually only stopping every ten minutes or so – the man had stamina like he’d never seen before. 

He figured it was Jack in the shower, so he thought he would just wait outside until he was done. He’d seen him getting out of the pool before in his swimming trunks, legs like tree trunks and the upper body of a modern-day Adonis, the water running off his body and leaving little pools as he walked. But something took over Alex that evening, as he heard someone clear their throat and he knew, knew from the voice, that it was the tall, muscled farmer that he couldn’t help but stare at when he passed by, whistling merrily, his clothes straining because his t-shirts were too tight under the arms. 

‘I saw you looking at me,’ Jack said, spinning the ball round in his hands. 

Alex swallowed hard. He’d only peeked. ‘What do you mean?’ he asked, pretending not to know, but Jack could see right through him. There was no point in lying. 

‘At the spa. When I was in the shower. I could’ve been mad about it, but instead I gave you my number.’ 

He’d only peeked through the gap in the door. After all, he’d left it open a little. Alex remembered his face burning as he stared through, transfixed at the sight of Jack standing under the shower, slicking his wet dark hair back with his hands and lathering himself up with soap. To Alex’s prior knowledge, he hadn’t been seen. 

Clearly, he hadn’t been careful enough. 

‘I didn’t mean to – I’m sorry, okay?’ He clenches his fists, humiliated. ‘I wasn’t trying to be a perv.’ 

Jack looks surprised, and then shakes his head. ‘No, I know. I just meant – you know, you can talk to me. If you’re scared.’ 

‘What would I be scared of? You?’ He tries to make himself sound threatening, but he does sound scared, literally because he is pretty scared of Jack. He could probably snap Alex in half with ease. He's huge, his hand bigger than both of Alex's put together. 

‘No!’ Jack almost looks hurt, and Alex starts to feel bad. ‘I chose a bad word. What I meant, if you were worried. About coming out.’ 

There’s a long moment of silence. Alex stares at him. ‘I – I’m not gay,’ he stammers, colour creeping up into his face again. His chest is tight; he feels trapped. What if Jack told someone that he was peeping at him when he was naked? What if his grandparents found out? George wouldn’t want a gay grandson. ‘I’m not.’ But it sounds like he’s trying to convince himself more than Jack, who clearly doesn’t believe him. 

‘I’m not trying to get you to out yourself. I just want to make sure you’re okay. I know it’s a small town, but there’s nothing… wrong about it. You can’t help it.’ 

‘I’m not gay! And even if I was, I – I wouldn’t be able to tell anybody. You don’t understand what it’s like here,’ Alex protests. He wants to cry. The secret that he has buried inside himself so deep that he almost forgot it was there is beginning to bubble up inside his chest and he wants to scream. 

‘I was in the army for years after I outed myself. I know what it feels like.’ 

‘Good for you. I can’t – I’m not – just don’t. Please.’ He sounds like he’s begging, and he is. No one can know. Absolutely no one. The only person he’s ever really spoken about it with is Haley – and even she’s started to put pressure on him to start being ‘honest about who he is.’ He feels bad for her, because she’s essentially played the part of his fake girlfriend for a long time, but it’s clear that the act has started to make things hard for her. Has Haley told Sabrina, he wonders? Has Sabrina told her sister? How many people know now? Screw the Montgomery family and their ridiculously handsome brother, he thinks. 

‘Don’t be upset. It’s all right.’ Jack’s voice is too gentle, and it makes him want to hit him. ‘You’ll work it out. It took me time, too.’ 

Alex turns away and squeezes his eyes shut, running away towards the mountains as fast as he possibly can. He’s running in the opposite direction to his house and he forgets to ask for his grid ball back, but he doesn’t care because he just needs to get as far away from Jack and his perfect abs as he possibly can.


	11. A Full Moon and Artisan Wine (Sam)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abigail's birthday <3

‘I’m so fucking pissed, man,’ Abigail slurs, throwing her hands up in the air. ‘You guys are the fucking best. Thank you SO much. And also, extra special mention to Brina, for the fact that you actually have your own place so I didn’t have to face my dad tonight.’ 

‘No worries,’ Sabrina giggles. Her head is woozy and her vision is a little blurry, but she’s having the best time she thinks she’s had in a while. ‘I’m pretty sure the whole town saw us getting on the bus to Zuzu City in clubbing clothes, though.’ 

‘Sebastian’s face, Yoba help me,’ Maru snorted, lying back on the sofa, feet dangling off the edge. ‘He gave me such a dirty look. And then the way he looked at Abby! Freaking pervert.’ 

Haley knocks her bottle of wine against Sabrina’s and gives her a knowing wink. 

‘Erm, sorry, but did you see Sam’s face when we walked past his place?’ she sniggers, as Sabrina hits her with a pillow. ‘He practically spunked in his jeans.’ 

They’d gone to surprise Abigail at the shop, and as they’d left Harvey had been locking up and Sam had been making an appointment with him, so was leaving at the same time. His face had gone bright red and his jaw had dropped to the ground but she’d jumped up and kissed him flush on the mouth before they’d walked on to the bus stop. 

_Look after yourself Peach,_ he’d texted while they’d been on the bus. _I’ll miss you tonight x_

As the other girls collapse into giggles, Emily telling Haley off for being so gross while trying to stop laughing, Sabrina sticks her tongue out. 

‘What? It just reinforces the fact that I’m fucking fit.’ 

‘Babes, you were in a fucking bum-freezer PVC miniskirt!’ Haley yells, grabbing her friend by the cheeks and pinching them. ‘Did you see his face? I’m sorry, but it was a winner. I wish a guy would look at me like that.’ 

‘Guys do look at you like that, Haley, you fucking moron.’ Emily rolls her eyes. 

‘Yeah, but she means a nice, cute guy like Sam. I don’t know how the hell you got him to open up to you,’ Abigail sighs. ‘I mean, Seb’s like, cute and everything, but I don’t know if he’s really, like, boyfriend material, you know? And he messes girls around. No offence, Maru.’ 

‘None taken.’ Maru lifts her hand up from the sofa. 

‘I don’t think Sam would be single if he hadn’t been so awkward around girls all the time,’ Haley muses, ‘I mean, it’s totally feminist. You’re gonna be the breadwinner.’ 

‘I dunno. I guess he stacks shelves, and help Electra I milk cows and make wine for a living. Which by the way, is actually way harder than you think, so appreciate my homemade artisan shit, please.’ She raises her wine bottle to her lips. 

‘Yeah, but that’s the point. You balance each other out,’ Emily argues, downing her cider. 

‘The point is,’ Abigail says, pointing at Sabrina, ‘You also have to look at the, like, superficial details, you know? Like, Sam kind of being skinny is probably the only thing that turns people off. But he actually isn’t bad looking at all. You got a catch, Brina.’ 

‘Are you taking the piss? I’d deffo fuck him,’ Leah interjects, which earns her a shriek and a whack against the leg with an empty beer bottle from Sabrina. ‘Ow! I was joking, girl. I meant, if I didn’t have my Elliott.’ 

'Look, I know that Sam and Seb had a mega fight about you, but I'll always be your friend. I respect the fact you never get involved,' Abigail said, reaching for the farmer's hand. 'I think you handled the whole thing so well. And you let me have my birthday party here, and I really appreciate that.' 

Sabrina was touched. She had always been afraid of coming between Sam and his best friend - she had never wanted to be 'that girl.' She never wanted to break up a friendship. 

'Also, your brother is _hot,'_ Abby added, shaking her head. 'The gay thing is a shame.' 

'Yeah, okay, he is,' Haley admitted, nodding slowly. 

'Can't relate,' Maru sighed, shrugging. 'Perks of being gay, I guess.' 

‘I do wish Penny could’ve been here,’ Emily says sadly. ‘She’s such a sweetheart.’ 

Penny is probably the sweetest little soul Sabrina has ever met. She had always tried to ‘keep out of the way’ when she was at the Montgomery house and always helped with the dishes and chores if she could. She waved them off at the bus stop, Jas and Vincent in tow, but didn’t want to join in mostly because of Pam’s drinking habits – she just didn’t want to be around drunk people, she said. Which was awkward, considering the fact that Electra was basically a crackhead. 

‘It’s okay! We’re all going to have a big dinner with the guys too,’ Abigail protested, ‘Penny can come then. Then we’ll all be together. And you have to bring Sam too, whether you guys are official or not!’ She nods at Sabrina, who rolls her eyes. 

‘He’s so damn crazy about you,’ Emily grins. ‘It’s really nice, though, honestly. I always thought he must have been so bored before you got here. He was always just trailing round after Sebastian or something. I remember when his dad went away… it was so sad. For the whole family.’ 

Sabrina shrugs. ‘He’s sweet, so I don’t mind. He always seems to get really quiet around me, but I’m gonna assume that’s a good sign. What?’ she asks Maru, who is giggling uncontrollably. 

‘Is this a flowers situation, Montgomery?’ 

She pauses. She knows about the bouquet tradition in Pelican Town, so she nods slowly. ‘I think so. But I don’t want to rush or anything, y’know? I also think I’ll have to give it to him, because he’s so awkward with that stuff.’ 

‘He’s awkward, but I bet he makes up for it with something else,’ Abigail says, waggling her eyebrows. ‘I kind of don’t want to think about Sam’s dick, actually.’ 

‘Shut the fuck up, Abby. I bet Sebastian’s is tiny,’ Sabrina says, and blows a raspberry at her friend. Then she says, with a little bit of a pride, ‘I did see an outline when we were chilling before bed and it does look massive, though.’ 

Haley practically jumps on top of her as the girls collapse into laughter, and Sabrina finds herself laughing too. It’s been a long time, she thinks, since she ever did anything girly like this. She didn’t think she’d ever really had any girlfriends, not even when she was at school. Electra hated her nowadays. It was usually just her and Jack – he’d always been her best friend. 

*** 

‘Hey, Brina.’ 

Haley comes down the steps in her blue pyjamas and sits beside her, resting her head on the dark-haired girl’s shoulder. 

‘Hey, Haley.’ 

‘You okay?’ 

‘Yeah.’ She shrugs. ‘Couldn’t sleep.’ 

Haley knows that she’s scared of sleeping in the same room as the others, in case she wakes up screaming. Or if Jack wakes up screaming and he needs her. But she doesn’t say anything, and Sabrina is grateful she doesn’t have to talk about it. 

‘So things are going great with Sam, right?’ 

‘If you’re going to ask about the bouquet, I already thought of it. I’m gonna give him one next week. I’m planning it all in my head. I think I’ll make his favourite dinner.’ 

Haley gasps excitedly and grabs Sabrina’s hand, who just grins at how happy her friend is over something that doesn’t even affect her. Haley had always been such a true friend. 

‘Oh my God! You have to tell me everything about it when it happens. I bet you’re excited. Or are you nervous?’ 

‘Both, girl. I don’t know what to think. I don’t even know if he’ll say yes.’ 

‘Of course he’ll say yes! He’s practically in love with you, Sabrina.’ 

Sabrina squirms. ‘Ugh, don’t say the word love yet. I haven’t even got my head wrapped that word at this point. But…’ She sighs and looks down at her lap. ‘I do think I’m falling for him. Hard.’ 

‘I knew it. You do this funny face when you talk about him.’ Haley puts her arms round her and hugs tightly. ‘Well, I know that I love you. I’ll always love you, you smelly farmer.’ 

Sabrina snorts. ‘Piss off. But I love you too, Haley.’ She is suddenly so grateful that Haley even exists, that the warmth of her body is right there beside her, her arms round her keeping her safe from her own dark thoughts. ‘Don’t move away or anything, please?’ 

‘Ugh, I wish I could move to the city. I mean, I used to but you totally turned me off it, so I suppose I’m not leaving anytime soon.’ She looks up at the black sky thoughtfully. ‘Hey, if you and Sam get married, can I be your bridesmaid?’ 

Sabrina shrieks and tries to break free to attack her, but Haley laughs and pulls her back down onto the steps, arms locked around her friend with surprising severity. 

‘I’m just kidding! I think it would be nice, though. He’s nice. I reckon he’d move onto the farm with you in a heartbeat.’ 

‘Whoa, you’re travelling at about a million miles per second there, Hales. There hasn’t even been a bouquet yet. I like things the way they are. I reckon he would, though. He likes it here.’ Sabrina reaches out to pet Fred, who has settled himself on the bottom step. ‘I think Dad would have liked it here. Away from all the hustle and noise in the city. He said it was like being back in the army again.’ She looks up at the moon. It’s a full moon. That’s a sign. Her father would have seen it as a sure sign. ‘Yeah, he would’ve liked it here. It’s quiet. You can see the sky.’ 

They sit in comfortable silence for a long time, and Haley sits back and starts braiding Sabrina’s long hair while the dark-haired girl puts Fred on her lap and strokes him. She speaks up finally. 

‘Hey.’ 

‘Yeah?’ 

‘When you go to sleep, I’m gonna ring Sam. See if he’s awake.’ 

‘Okay.’ 

‘I’m gonna tell him how I feel about him.’  
Haley pulls gently on her braid, and she knows that she’s smiling. ‘Okay.’ 

***

It’s only midnight. Sam should be awake still, she thinks. He barely sleeps at all, going to bed late and rising early to go to work in the week. 

‘Hello? Peach?’ 

‘Hello.’ 

‘Are you all right?’ His voice is laced with worry, with concern. ‘I haven’t heard from you in a while. I was getting worried about you.’ 

Sabrina can’t help smiling; he’s worried. About her. ‘Um, yeah, I’m okay. I mean, I’m a bit drunk, but that’s all. The girls are asleep.’ 

‘Is this a late-night booty call, by any chance? Because I feel like this isn’t… er, a great idea for our first time. Or mine.’ 

Sabrina bursts out laughing. ‘You would expect so, but actually not tonight. Um, Blondie, I…’ 

‘What’s wrong, Peach?’ 

She can hear the panic, the fear. It’s almost as if she can see the wheels turning in his brain, going into overdrive as he starts overthinking everything. She wants to rip those wheels out and stamp on them. Sam is a lot more anxious than people think he is, which is probably due to his father clearly being too hard on him when he was a kid. She’s never met Kent, but she can guess from what Sam has told her. 

‘Nothing! It’s a good thing. I mean, I think. Look, I… there’s a lot of things I want to say to you, but I’m a scaredy-cat. I always get scared I’ll get rejected, and I know you feel like that too. Because of the virgin thing.’ 

He doesn’t say anything, but she knows he’s listening. 

‘I just – I guess the alcohol gives me courage sometimes, and that’s why I had the balls to instigate all… this. Whatever this is. I don’t want it to just be a “thing,” Sam. I don’t want you to be wonder or overthink or be scared about us. I don’t want to be scared either, so maybe we should just be completely honest, right? I really like you, Sam. I really do. It’s been a really long time since I ever felt anything for anyone, and it’s never worked out for me, but this could work out. If you want it to. I just…’ she trails off and closes her eyes tight as she says it. ‘I’m really falling for you.’ 

He doesn’t speak straight away. Then she hears a sniff, and he says, ‘Oh, Peach.’ 

‘I didn’t want to say it over the phone. But I’m a chicken. Even more of a chicken than my actual chickens.’ 

‘You’re not a chicken. You’re the bravest girl I know. I’m the chicken, for fuck’s sake. I’ve just been scared of you seeing me naked and running a fucking mile. I’m the man, I should have been the one to say it first.’ 

‘It doesn’t matter who said it first. It just matters than we said it.’ She suddenly feels emotional, rubbing a hand over her face to stop her from crying. ‘I mean, you haven’t really said much, but I’ll take it as a mutual agreement.’ 

‘You have no idea how much I think about you, Peach,’ Sam sighs, and it sounds like he’s trying not to cry too. ‘Not in a dirty way. I just miss you all the goddamn time when we’re not hanging out. I know we said we’d take it slow, but we have been, right? And I’m ADHD as fuck, I keep thinking about hanging out and shit when I’m at work and I just wanted us to say it.’ 

‘We’re gonna be fine, Sam,’ she whispers, being mindful of the fact that the other girls are still asleep in the living room. ‘Everything’s going to be okay.’ 

‘Yeah, I know. Forget falling for you, Sabrina. I’ve fallen, Peach. Hard. That’s it. I said it.’ 

She laughs and he laughs, and it’s almost as if a huge weight has been lifted from her shoulders. It’s all okay, she tells herself. I can do this. I can move on. 

When she hangs up, she tiptoes back into the farmhouse to check she hasn’t woken anyone else up. Maru is still lying on the sofa, snoring softly, and Haley is asleep on the blow-up mattress. Abigail is curled up at Haley’s feet, and Emily’s shocking blue hair is just visible poking out of a sleeping bag. Sabrina slides in next to Haley, leaning her head on her shoulder, hoping she doesn’t wake up. But she is still breathing lightly, chest rising and falling with the rhythm of sleep. 

And then, just as Sabrina’s eyelids feel heavy and she’s about to nod off, Haley whispers something above her head. 

‘Well done, Sabrina.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm tempted to write more about the girls hanging out as a group, and I'm trying to find an excuse to do the same with the boys and maybe both???? I didn't go into much detail here only because the main focus was Sabrina and Sam's declaration to each other. Let me know what you think xoxox


	12. Mailboxes and Spa Visits (Alex)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Alex! <3

Alex comes out of the steam room and stares. Jack is in front of him, towel round his waist, his hand on the doorknob of the shower room door. Jack looks at him blankly, and his heart sinks a little. 

‘Um, hi,’ Alex mumbles, feeling self-conscious. He’d always been the ‘buff’ one in Pelican Town until the farmer siblings arrived, and now he feels like a little kid who’s been playing at weight training when he sees Jack. 

‘Hello, Alexander,’ Jack replies, his hand still on the doorknob. ‘You alright?’ 

‘Yeah. Um.’ He pauses and takes a deep breath. ‘Sorry. About the other day.’ 

Jack blinks. ‘What? Oh. That. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I was too pushy.’ 

Alex shook his head. ‘No, I shouldn’t have run away. I – I don’t think I’m straight.’ 

‘Uh huh.’ 

‘But I don’t know. I mean, I don’t exactly… I’m not attracted to girls. I’ve kissed girls, and I just didn’t enjoy it – but I’ve never kissed a guy. I’ve never really had a chance. I don’t know.’ He feels afraid, almost as if his towel round his waist was going to fall down and he’d be standing there starkers. ‘It’s weird.’ 

‘Okay. Well, like I said, I understand.’ Jack sighs and takes his hand off the doorknob. ‘I came out when I was practically a fucking kid. I was sixteen, way younger than us now. Kids in the city are cruel too, y’know. But I knew what I was getting into – and you should expect the worst if you do choose to come out. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is. It took me a long time to accept myself for who I was, but I’m finally there.’ 

Alex nods, taking in his words this time as if they’re gospel. Here is a man who has admitted to the world that he is gay and he has faced down the worst that the city and the forces had to offer, and yet he still lets his youngest sister sit on his shoulders and he still helps old people with their shopping and compliments the moms on their scarves or shoes. Here was a man who had seen terrible things, and yet had kept his kindness. 

‘Did you – ugh, look, did you give me your number because you wanted to just like, be there for me as a friend or whatever, or do you… do you like me?’ His heart was hammering so hard and loud that he was sure Haley on the other side of town could hear it. ‘It just seems like Sabrina went through a lot of trouble to get it to me.’ 

There’s a pause. Jack’s face gives away nothing, and Alex’s heart begins to sink further. Then he advances towards him and he feels almost frightened – he is reminded of the time in the saloon when Sabrina accidentally bumped into Shane and got, ‘Watch where you’re fucking going,’ from the moody brunette in the corner, and Jack’s head turned towards him and asked, ‘What did you say to my sister?’ It was the first time anyone had ever really pulled Shane up on his shitty behaviour, and he was sure that most of the village thanked him for it. 

Jack stands in front of him, casting a shadow over him, then he sighs irritably, grabs hold of Alex’s face, and kisses him. 

Haley once kissed him when they were little kids, and he didn’t feel anything. He just thought he’d feel something when he grew up, but he never did. But when Jack kisses him now, long and slow, one big gentle hand holding his face and a huge arm hooked round his waist, there’s a feeling in the pit of his stomach that he can only describe as fireworks. 

‘Is this okay?’ Jack pulls his mouth back and murmurs against his lips, their noses pressed together. ‘Do you want me to stop?’ 

‘Yes. No. Don’t stop.’ 

Jack looks down at him, a very serious look on his face, and he pulls away, but doesn't let go of his face. 'I think we should stop, Alex. Especially because you're not sure.' 

'Don't be - don't be stupid, just don't stop.' Alex yanks him forward by the shoulders and smashes his mouth against Jack's. Don’t ever stop, he says in his head, hands falling and dangling awkwardly at his sides, but Jack pushes his tongue into his mouth and he closes his eyes and does his very best to sit back and think of England. 

*** 

‘ADHD?’ Sam asks in disbelief, running his hands through his hair. 

Harvey sighs and turns his chair towards Sam, resting his elbows on his thighs. ‘It’s not the end of the world by any means, Sam. I’m not going to diagnose you yet because there’s a lot of tests I’d like to run first, and I do have a colleague in Zuzu who’s a specialist, so I can refer you to her. But based on what you’ve told me, it sounds like you’re exhibiting signs of what could be ADHD.’ 

Sam fidgeted in his chair. ‘Could you not just give me meds?’ 

‘Well, I could, but again, I haven’t exactly given you a formal diagnosis yet, and it would be better for you to see this specialist first, so maybe you could do some therapy. It would perhaps be a little more difficult than just taking a medication such as Ritalin, but it will do you more favours in the long run.’ 

‘Oh. Okay. Is there anything I can do right now?’ 

‘Well, do you do much exercise? Exercise can help you handle aggression and extra energy in a healthy, positive way. It can sooth and calm your body, not to mention it’s critical to maintaining a healthy lifestyle.’ 

Sam blinked and nodded slowly, doing his best to keep up. ‘So I’m not… I’m not just an idiot?’ 

Harvey stared at him, then pushed his glasses up. ‘Of course not.’ 

‘Okay. I suppose that’s something.’ He rubs his face. ‘So I should just exercise?’ 

‘If that’s what works for you, yes. Should we make an appointment for… say, two weeks’ time? And then we can go over what you’ve done so far and how it’s all working.’ 

‘Sure thing, Doc. Thanks a million.’ 

*** 

‘Alex!’ Sam yells, running up the hill towards the tall jock, who unbeknownst to him, was heading towards the spa where he would meet with Jack again. 

Alex turned around and looked surprised. ‘Sam? What’s up?’ 

‘Hey, so, long story but basically I have ADHD and Doc says I need to do exercise, and you’re like the Jock Express and you know about sports, right? So can you help me work out for a bit? It doesn’t have to be a regular thing, just until I learn to do it myself. Please?’ 

It was as if Alex had to take time to catch up. ‘Erm… yeah, sure, I can do that. Why ask me, though? I mean, no offence, but it’s not like we really speak much.’ 

‘Well, I’d ask Jack but he’s always so busy and I’m always bothering him already, so I don’t wanna take the piss. Besides, you and Jack are similar, right?’ Sam waggles his eyebrows, and the penny drops. 

‘How do you – how did you know?’ Alex hisses, grabbing Sam’s arm and pulling him away, looking around furtively to make sure no one is listening. 

Sam looks at him as if he’s stupid. ‘What? You do realise I’m dating Jack’s sister, right? Whose best friend is Haley? How did you think I wouldn’t find out?’ 

Alex drops his arm and sighs. ‘This is a nightmare.’ 

‘Huh? I don’t care, Alex, I’m not gonna tell anyone. It’s none of my business anyway. So I’m off work tomorrow, I’ll come calling, okay?’ 

Sam runs off back towards town, and Alex wondered how on earth his life got so interesting so quickly. 

*** 

The one thing that Sam struggled with was words. He could never think of the right way to say things, especially when it came to Sabrina. He would rehearse what he wanted to say over and over again in his head, but as soon as he looked at her his entire brain would feel like it was scrambled, the letters and words just whirling round in his head. There were often times when he wouldn’t be able to see her for a few days, and they did text throughout the day (he often had to take ‘toilet breaks’ at work so that Morris wouldn’t catch him on his phone) and they called before they went to sleep, but he always wanted to do more, just to show how much she meant to him. How was he supposed to word the way he felt about her? How was he supposed to tell her that his heart skipped a beat whenever they touched, or even looking at her was enough to make him completely lose focus? 

He wasn’t sure why, but one day when he was going to be early to work, he made a quick detour to the farm and left a daffodil from the garden in the mailbox, hoping someone would find it before it got too droopy. He wondered if Sabrina would even know it was from him, and if he should have left a note, but forgot about it during the day while he worked, and then when he was on his way home, he checked the post and found a maple bar in a paper bag. He savoured it before going inside (because Jodi was always on at him about eating before dinner), every time his teeth slid through the thick, sweet icing he racked his brain of what he could put in her mailbox tomorrow. 

In the morning, he was able to laze around for a while as he had a later shift, and when he came to get his cereal from the kitchen he found Vincent concentrating very hard on a drawing at the table. 

‘What’re you drawing, Vin?’ he asked, opening the fridge and getting the milk out. His mom always bought the milk with the red top, which he hated because it was like white water. Sabrina always had the milk with the blue top at the farmhouse, which was much nicer with cereal. ‘Can I see?’ 

‘Yeah.’ His younger brother held up the drawing for Sam to see, and his breath hitched in his throat. ‘My Family’ was scrawled across the top of the page, with five figures underneath. Jodi and Vincent had carrot-coloured hair and Sam and Kent’s had clearly been drawn with a yellow highlighter. Holding hands with the Sam figure seemed to be a girl with scribbly brown hair and blue overalls. 

‘Is this Sabrina?’ he asked, pointing with his figure. Vincent nodded and Sam thought hard for a moment. ‘Hey, Vin, can I have this?’ 

He had to fold it to fit in the mailbox, but he hoped Sabrina would like it. 

*** 

It became a kind of game after a while. Sabrina must have liked the drawing because he found a Tupperware box with cranberry candy inside. How had she known that was Vincent’s favourite? He started leaving whatever he could find that day, sometimes things he thought were romantic and sometimes things he thought might be funny, and sometimes things he just thought she might like. He left a length of pink satin ribbon that Haley gave to him for her and got a foil wrapped package of homemade pizza, still warm. 

She left the best gifts, in his opinion. He’d leave her a bunch of dandelions he’d picked near the riverbank in Cindersap Forest and she’d leave a can of Joja Cola. When he left her sweet peas, she gave him a little cactus plant, or when he left fiddlehead ferns (Jack loved them in risotto and they were usually fairly rare), she gave him a real lump of polished tigerseye in return. 

She’d leave food wrapped in foil like eggplant parmesan and pancakes for his mom, and sometimes he would see a maple bar and do a mental victory dance. Sometimes he’d get a slice of chocolate cake with enough chocolate icing to give him diabetes, and sometimes a slice of rhubarb pie instead. It got to the point where Vincent was checking the mailbox himself to see if there was any candy or a bunch of grapes, which Sam had to try and put a stop to. 

He tried to give her nice things most of the time like flowers or a rainbow shell he’d find on the beach while playing with Vincent or a coconut from the fruit bowl, and a few times he would burn some of his songs onto CDs for her to listen to, but sometimes he’d leave seaweed or a spring onion just to piss her off, and he’d regret it when Jodi asked why there was a whole wild horseradish in the mailbox the next morning, the earth not even washed off. 

They barely ever mentioned it when they were actually together, but it became an unspoken agreement that they would leave something for the other to find to brighten up their day. It always brightened up Sam’s day, no matter what he found, even if it was an entire leek because he’d given her a clam. That was the thing about her – she kept him on his toes.


	13. The Deflowering of One Alex Mullner (Alex)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is preeeeeeeeeetty long, and also about 80% smut, so if you're not that into sexually explicit material, then skip this one. There is a sweet sisterly moment between Sabrina and Penny right in the middle (it kinda jumps between scenes) so if you wanna scroll to the middle to read the Penny part then do that <3 enjoy xoxoxo

This whole situation is ridiculous, Alex thinks, but he has no intention of getting himself out of it. Especially when he managed to get this far. He might as well follow through. 

He is lying in Jack’s bedroom, in Jack’s bed, and Jack is there with him. And it gets even crazier because they are both completely naked, Jack holding his face as they kiss, the noises very loud and wet in the quiet room. It’s just kissing and touching, but it feels so fucking good, and Alex is sure it won’t just be kissing and touching for long. 

He hesitantly presses his hands flat against Jack’s broad chest, causing him to pull away. 

‘Are you all right?’ he asks worriedly, his fingers stroking the brown hair at the nape of Alex’s neck in a way that makes him tingle. ‘Do you want me to stop?’ 

‘No, no, I wasn’t trying to make you stop, I just – I wanted to – I wanted to touch you,’ Alex finishes lamely, sighing at his own idiocy, but Jack smiles and leans in again. 

‘You can touch me, Alex. Do what you like – whatever you’re comfortable with.’ 

So Alex lets Jack kiss him, and he lets his hands roam – his fingers longingly stroke those broad shoulders, those perfectly defined abs, those huge muscles in his arms – Yoba, those arms. Those arms would be his downfall, he could feel it. Jack didn’t stop him when his hand slid down over his stomach, Alex’s nimble fingers curling round his cock as a thrill flew through him, and then he stopped and stared at the older man. 

‘What’s wrong?’ 

‘Not wrong, just – fucking hell, it’s fucking huge!’ Alex exclaimed. 

Jack stared at him for a moment as if he couldn’t quite believe him, and then he started laughing, his hand stroking Alex’s bare shoulder in a fond way. Alex scowled. 

‘What?’ 

‘Nothing, nothing. You flatter me, Alexander.’ 

‘Why’d you call me Alexander? And is that – is that meant to fit inside me?’ he asked, unable to hide the fact that he was actually a little afraid. It made sense, because every other part of Jack was fucking huge, but it seemed a bit illogical. He wasn’t sure Jack would fit inside him, because he himself was a virgin and probably tight as hell. 

‘Alexander is your name and it suits you.’ He scooted closer to him, so that they were practically pressed together, and he pressed the end of Alex’s nose with his finger. ‘Don’t be scared,’ he said softly, pressing his mouth against his forehead. ‘I’ll look after you.’ 

Alex wriggled in his grasp. Jack’s skin was warm and he resisted the urge to snuggle into him, but he couldn’t help trailing a hand over his bicep again, biting his lip. ‘I just… it doesn’t seem possible.’ 

‘It’s possible. I’ll show you, if you’re ready,’ Jack told him, tickling him under the chin. ‘Don’t worry. I promise I’ll be very, very gentle.’ 

‘Ugh, as if you had to make it any more obvious I’m a virgin,’ Alex grumbled, dragging his eyes away from him. ‘And seriously, no one calls me Alexander anymore.’ 

‘But you’ll let me, won’t you?’ Jack whispered gently, leaning in for another kiss. ‘You won’t get mad at me.’ 

And the infuriating thing was, Jack was right. Alex would argue and argue with anyone until the cows came home – except Jack. When Jack wrapped his arms round him, or tilted his chin up for a kiss, he softened completely and lost all sense of rational thinking. 

‘So you will fuck me?’ Alex asked, his breathing heavy, pushing himself up against the other man. ‘Now?’ 

‘Easy, tiger,’ Jack chuckled, bending his head and kissing that part where his neck met his shoulder blade, making Alex shiver. ‘There’s steps to this. It’s your first time, so it will hurt. It always does. I won’t lie to you about that.’ 

‘I know.’ 

‘But like I said, I promise I will make it as easy as it can possibly be.’ 

Alex looked down at him. ‘Kiss me. More.’ 

‘Your wish is my command,’ Jack laughed, pulling him in. 

*** 

‘Thank you so much for helping me,’ Penny said gratefully, as Sabrina sat cross-legged on the floor of the tiny bedroom in the dank trailer that she called home. She watched the farmer fold all of the clothes very carefully, lining up the shoulders with the hem as accurately as she could, and she felt a sudden rush of love for her sister-in-law (ish). ‘I know Electra wanted to help but she had to go to town about… a will?’ 

‘Uh huh. Our dad’s will. Long story,’ Sabrina replied, folding a white sundress. ‘And it’s okay, I didn’t want you to have to do this alone. How did Pam take it?’ 

Penny doesn’t answer straight away. She puts her moisturiser in her washbag and sighs, fiddling with the zip. ‘I… haven’t exactly told her yet. I wanted to move out and then tell her, so she couldn’t stop me. She does such crazy things sometimes and I was scared.’ 

‘Oh, Penny. It’s not ideal, but sometimes that’s just the way it is.’ Sabrina puts the dress in the suitcase and gets up to open the next drawer. ‘You’re not fussy about me folding your underwear, are you?’ 

‘What? Oh, no, of course not.’ Penny zips the washbag up and shoves it in a duffel bag. ‘How are things going with you and Sam?’ 

Sabrina starts folding Penny’s knickers and transferring them to a suitcase. It’s kind of funny how someone’s taste in underwear can reflect the person themselves. Penny had knickers and bras in white or pastel colours, sometimes with lace edges, whereas Sabrina had learned that from doing the majority of the laundry for the Montgomery household that everything Electra owned was either black or red and usually pretty wispy, and that Jack refused to wear anything but Calvin Klein’s boxers. Sam wore boxers too, but usually plain colours or random cartoon characters – Jodi definitely bought the majority of his underwear, that was for sure. 

‘Things are good. I’m going for a proper dinner round his mom’s this week, which is… a bit scary, I suppose. I know I’m not the most PG person.’ 

‘Oh, you’ll be just fine, sweetheart. Just wear your hair down, and if possible, try not to turn up covered in mud. You’re kind of known for it at this point,’ Penny grinned apologetically and tucked a stray piece of Sabrina’s dark hair behind her ear. ‘Jodi is lovely. She doesn’t judge easily, not like… say, Caroline.’ 

‘Heh. Caroline hates me, I’m sure of it. My first mistake was going to the shop to buy seeds and getting muddy footprints all over the floor.’ Sabrina sniggered, remembering the glare she’d been given, and the way Caroline grabbed the mop from the corner, glowering. ‘Then we brought Abigail back from her twenty-first night out, practically dragging her in because she was so hungover.’ 

Penny pulled a face. ‘I’m sure she considers you a worthy candidate to be precious Abby’s friend.’ 

Sabrina giggled. Penny was just as scathing as Electra when she wanted to be. Perhaps they were better suited to each other than she’d originally thought. Still, there was a lot that Penny didn’t know about Sabrina’s big sister, and she wondered how hard it was going to hit her when she did find out. Jack had briefly considered telling her himself, but they had both decided that it was best not to get involved, and as troublesome as Electra was, they would never betray her. 

‘Mm. I much prefer Jodi, I think.’ 

‘I should think so.’ Penny pulled the strings of the duffel bag up to close it. ‘She’s always been there for me. She used to ask me if I was hungry and if I said I was, she’d cut Sam’s dinner in half and give me some.’ She smiles sadly, yet fondly. ‘I owe her a lot. Kent, maybe not so much. He was always… a bit harsh on Sam.’ 

‘He did say something like that, but it seems like he doesn’t wanna badmouth his dad.’ Sabrina gives up and tips the rest of the underwear into the suitcase. ‘I’ll fold them for you when we get, yeah? Just in case Pam comes back.’ 

‘She’ll be at the saloon all day. And even if she does come back, she has to find out at some point.’ Penny takes a deep breath and forces herself to smile, but there is something in her green eyes that gives her away. It’s fear. ‘Kent’s not a bad man, not by any means, but I don’t think he really ever knew how to handle Sam. Sam is a lot to deal with sometimes, but that didn’t give Kent an excuse to treat him how he did. Vincent was only little when he went away, but there was such a difference in the way Kent acted towards him compared to Sam, and I think it’s always stayed there.’ 

‘It’ll be worse when he comes home. Trust me, the shit those men see out there… it changes them. Fucks them up.’ Sabrina sighed and zipped the suitcase shut, forcing the lid down. ‘It fucked Jack up. But Jack was never – I don’t know how to explain it, but he never had a predisposition towards violence or anything. He was sweet when he left, and sweet when he came back. You’ll like living with him.’ 

Penny smiles and sits on her hands. ‘I’m so excited, Sabrina. You’ve seen the way my mother acts, and I’ve never even met my father. I’m excited to have a family, for the first time ever.’ 

Sabrina wants to cry. Penny reminded her very much of her brother, someone who had never really had much structure or anyone to protect them, but she was still sweet and kind and caring, and the way she was when she tutored Jas and Vincent was testimony to that. Perhaps she hadn’t always been very understanding of Electra, but she made a promise in her head to be the best sister to Penny that she could possibly be. 

*** 

‘Are you sure about this?’ Jack asks, looking down at Alex worriedly. ‘I really don’t want to rush this with you.’ 

‘You’re not rushing,’ Alex assures him. ‘I want to. So can we? Please?’ 

Jack swallows and then nods. ‘All right. We’ll just go slow, though. And tell me to stop if you want me to.’ 

‘I know, I know – please? Can’t we just do it and see how it goes?’ 

Alex sounds whiny now, his fists clutching at the sheets underneath him in anticipation. Jack dips his head and the moment his lips make contact with Alex’s body there is a sharp intake of breath from the latter. It’s like fire, like electricity crackling against the surface of his skin as Jack presses his lips against his Adam’s apple, his tongue gliding along his collarbone. He’s gentle – painfully gentle, strong yet careful hands stroking their way up Alex’s waist, lips brushing over his chest. Jack slides his hand under one of Alex’s knees and kisses the inside of his thigh, then looks up from his place between the younger man’s legs. ‘Still okay?’ 

Alex nods. ‘Yeah,’ he breathes, his cheeks feeling hot. He feels almost embarrassed, someone pressing their lips with such meaning, such intention, against the skin of his thigh, dangerously close to where that heat is growing, where he feels uncomfortably tight – it’s only when Jack dips his head again and he feels his tongue there, right there on the swollen head of his cock – that he begins to unravel, relaxing under his hands and sighing contentedly. ‘All good.’ 

Jack sucks, the action long and slow and meaningful, his tongue rolling over the head, brushing along the slit, his eyes flicking upwards to make eye contact with Alex, who bites his lip and can’t break his gaze away. While Jack has him there, looking at him, he licks leisurely up the shaft, caressing Alex’s thighs with his hands, sliding them underneath to cup his ass. 

This isn’t the first time this particular scenario had played itself between them. The first time was at the spa, where Alex sat down on the bench and watched as Jack pulled the towel from round his waist, knelt in front of him, pushed his legs apart and deep-throated him there and then. Alex had barely lasted five minutes, hips bucking upwards and a ridiculous amount of come shooting out into Jack’s mouth, but then halfway through his orgasm, Jack pulled his mouth away and let him ejaculate all over himself. He had then smirked, wiped his chin and said, ‘Oh look, Alexander, you’ve made a bit of a mess.’ Alex had wanted the ground to swallow him up there and then. 

It was just as good as it was before, but Jack doesn’t give Alex the chance to get anywhere near to finishing. It all seems to happen very quickly from there. There are practical things to be taken care of, like a condom, which Jack slides on with expert hands – he must have done this a thousand times before, Alex thinks, which makes him feel suddenly grossly inadequate. Then there’s lube, which Alex didn’t even think about, which changes his mind and he realises he’s glad that Jack is so experienced, because this whole scenario would have been a lot, lot more painful without the lube. 

‘Just try to relax, all right?’ Jack whispers, in a way that he means to be comforting, but it just makes him all the more intoxicating. Alex had always seen himself as a dominating presence, and he generally was – but he was putty in Jack’s hands, and maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. Maybe he was okay with that. It felt nice, not having to be in control for once. ‘It might hurt just a pinch.’ 

It did hurt, it did. It hurt a fair amount, as Jack started to push his index finger into him, gently coaxing it in as Alex bit down on his arm to stop himself making too much noise. That seemed to go on for a long time, and it felt embarrassing and exhilirating at the same time, lying there sprawled underneath Jack as he held Alex open with one hand and fingered him with the other, glancing up at his face every now and then to make sure he was all right. It got easier as it went on, though it still felt raw despite the lube. 'You want me to move on?' Jack asked, pushing a second finger into him. It burned, but Alex clutched the bedsheets and willed himself to get through it. 'Are you sure you want me to do this?' 'Stop asking,' Alex hissed, 'Keep going.' It did get easier. Jack was slow, pushing the fingers further in every now and then with deliberate care. 'Relax,' he murmured, 'Relax your muscles. You're tense, and it's going to hurt more if you're so het up.' He took his free hand and moved his fingers very lightly over Alex's leg, which seemed to have the desired effect as the younger man breathed out and his legs fell limp. Jack was right - it was easier when he relaxed. It hurt more when he pushed that enormous length into him. But Alex barely even thought of the pain – he stared up at him through his lashes, through half-shut eyes, his mouth hanging open, and watched as Jack positioned himself between his legs, hooked one of Alex’s legs over his shoulder, and slowly jutted his hips forward, pressing his lips to his calf. 

‘Fuck.’ 

‘Is that okay?’ 

‘Okay? Fuck – Yoba – it’s –’ 

Alex can’t find the words, there are no words – all these years of confusion, of holding back, of holding hands with Haley and repressing the way he really felt, of hating himself, of deleting his browser history because of the porn he’d been watching, of being an arrogant himbo of a jock because he was desperate for no one to find out that he liked men – all of this is released in one moment. It’s like finally breaking free of the constraints that he placed upon himself, the chains over that little box in his brain shoved to the back at last opening again. He wants Jack – in every way possible – and he wants Jack to want him. He wants him, body, soul and mind. But right about now, mostly body. 

Jack groans above him. ‘Fuck. Fuck, Alex – so tight. You’re so tight.’ 

Alex closes his eyes, Jack’s words making him blush, his cheeks and neck and chest all feeling very warm at the same time. Jack pushes himself deeper inside him, very slowly and carefully, allowing Alex to adjust – then pulls away, then back in again, building up a slow, steady rhythm, a low, rough groan ripping through his teeth. ‘Is this good?’ 

‘Its good, it’s good,’ Alex gasps, covering his face with his hands, the slowness of it all making him ache in such a good way. ‘It’s so good.’ 

‘Really?’ 

‘Yes, yes, of course it is.’ 

‘It’s just funny, because you say it’s good, but I can’t hear you,’ Jack says softly, his free hand – the one not holding Alex’s leg over his shoulder – reaches forward, and he brushes Alex’s bottom lip gently with his thumb. He begins to slow, which wants Alex want to scream at him. It almost hurts when he stills himself, it’s painful. ‘I can’t tell. Make at least a little noise for me, Alexander.’ 

‘Don’t call me – don’t stop,’ Alex begs, grabbing fistfuls of his own hair. Every inch of his body is tingling and he arches his back, twisting his torso in pleasure. ‘Don’t fucking stop, I fucking need this –’ 

‘Say please next time,’ Jack’s voice is still very soft, very quiet, and Alex thumps his fist down on the bed as hard as he can, scowling up on him. ‘Ah ah, don’t throw yourself into a strop. I’ll give you what you want – I didn’t know you wanted me this badly, Alexander.’ 

He starts up his slow, cautious rhythm up again, and this time Alex lets himself go, his mouth falling open and a loud, desperate moan leaves his throat. Jack’s hand trails down Alex’s body and wraps itself round his neglected cock, pumping hard, making the younger man gasp and moan and clutch at the sheets, because it’s all so much, all so much at the same time. 

‘Good boy,’ Jack pants – he’s not out of breath, Alex thinks, he’s just enjoying it as much as he is, which makes the heat between his legs grow even hotter. He makes Jack feel good. Jack is praising him, calling him good, a closeted virgin like him. Well, virgin no more, he realises as he whimpers and his arms automatically reach up and his fingers slide into Jack’s hair, hanging on for dear life. 

Jack seems surprised at such an intimate gesture from him, especially considering the harsh way Alex had spoken to him quite a few times, but he takes it on the chin and lowers Alex’s leg down onto the bed, gritting his teeth and growling as he thrusts, his dark eyes clouded over with lust and full of desire. Jack takes hold of him by the thighs with his big gentle fingers and pulls him towards him, grinding his hips against Alex’s ass, taking the younger man by surprise as he practically screams with pleasure, slamming down his fists down on the bedcovers. 

His stomach tightens as he feels that familiar feeling of an orgasm building in the pit of his belly, and he grabs onto Jack’s hair. He must have hurt him, but he didn’t show it. ‘Jack – Jack, I can’t –’ 

But he’s not the only one who won’t be holding on much longer. Jack’s fingers dig into his ass a little and he whimpers himself, wishing it could last for hours, but this boy – this jumped-up little jock’s face below him, mouth hanging open, about to come – his ass tightening around him as his fingers yank on his hair – it’s too much. 

‘Oh, Alexander, you’re gonna be the fucking death of me,’ he gasps, and then he throws his head back and fills the condom, the come spilling out of the end of his cock, and there’s so much of it that most of it would have spurted out all over the bed if he hadn’t used a rubber. 

Alex gapes up at him, and the sight of that huge, perfectly sculpted man, bucking his hips as he grapples to keep hold of his legs, the deep, guttural noise that comes from deep within his throat so loud, so good, so hot that it’s almost too much for him to handle – 

And then there it is – it’s a strong, white-hot sensation that burned like fire, and come spilled all over his stomach, and Jack’s eyes are moving over him, looking at him hungrily, eating up the sight in front of him. Alex is embarrassed, wishing he hadn’t made such a loud, girly noise when he finished, but Jack carefully slides out of him and reaches for a towel that is hung over the back of a chair. He disposes of the condom and wipes his hands, then gently pushes Alex’s legs apart. 

‘I’m just cleaning you up,’ he told the surprised boy, who didn’t try to stop him. He just lay back and tried to catch his breath, lying there sprawled out on the bed as Jack cleaned the lube from his ass with a ridiculous amount of care and then dragged the towel across his belly, where he’d made one hell of a mess and didn’t even want to think about it. ‘Are you okay? Was that okay?’ 

Alex nods, raking his hands through his hair. ‘I – I really didn’t think it would be that good.’ 

Jack raises his eyebrows. ‘Oh, I see. So you had every faith in me, yes, Alexander?’ 

He scowls back. ‘Again with the Alexander shit. You’re always teasing me.’ 

He chuckles, wiping himself down and flopping down beside him. ‘Well, you’re just so easy to tease.’ He pauses and continues, ‘We don’t have to cuddle or anything, y’know. Especially if this is just a sex thing to you. Which is fine by me, by the way. But, er, I figured I should know.’ 

Alex stares at him. It’s only now, close up, without sex on his mind, that he really notices all the details of Jack’s face. His high cheekbones, his straight nose, his arched dark eyebrows. He has big, pretty, dark eyes with quite long lashes for a man, and a jawline that could cut a bitch. He’s so fucking handsome, and Alex is desperate to know more about him, to know what’s behind those striking features. 

‘I don’t want – I don’t want just a sex thing,’ he manages to say. 

‘You don’t?’ Jack looks staggered. 

Alex wants to panic. ‘I didn’t mean – is that not what you want?’ 

‘No, no, that’s exactly what I want, a not-just-sex thing. I just didn’t think – I didn’t think… that I was the kind of guy you’d want that with.’ 

The jock snorts. ‘Don’t be stupid. You’re everyone’s dream guy. I mean, look at you. Even all the moms in town drool over you.’ 

Jack grins, reaching out, his fingers curling themselves up in Alex’s hair. ‘Do you drool after me, Mr Mullner?’ Alex glares at him and it only makes him roar with laughter. ‘There’s that little signature scowl.’ 

‘I do not have a signature scowl!’ 

‘Oh, but you do.’ Jack kisses his lips. ‘You’re a surly one, aren’t you? I can tell you’re gonna be a brat.’ His eyes are glinting. 

‘Don’t talk like that, like – stop fucking making fun of me. Can we just fucking cuddle already?’ Alex snaps, his cheeks bright red, and he expects Jack to laugh at him again, but he doesn’t. His face softens, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. 

‘Sure we can,’ he says, holding an arm out. Alex rolls over and snuggles close to him, his head on that chest that must have been sculpted by Adonis himself. How did he catch the attention of this godlike creature? ‘I’m sorry. I just assumed you’d want to… you know, experiment with other guys.’ 

Alex shrugged. ‘I don’t. I just don’t see the point, and I don’t need to. Besides – at least now I know I’m definitely gay, right?’ He hears the rumble of Jack’s laugh in his chest and he lolls against him lazily. ‘Look, I know you probably want to see someone who’s a bit surer of what they’re doing, but – I’m working it out, all right?’ 

‘Of course. I respect that. I’ll help you work it out.’ He stroked Alex’s hair with his big hands, combing through it with his fingers. ‘I’m sure no one took you for a bottom, right?’ Alex sits up, glowering, face bright red, and Jack just laughs and laughs. ‘Sorry, sorry – I couldn’t help it.’ 

‘You’re the worst.’ 

‘Am I?’ 

‘Yeah. The absolute worst. Worst, worst, worst.’ 

Jack smirks. ‘You weren’t saying that when I was fucking you up the ass.’ 

‘Oh, stop it,’ Alex whines, pushing at him, not making eye contact because he knows his face is bright pink. 

‘Wait, no, I think it was something like-’ Jack screws up his face and puts on a high-pitched, overtly sexual voice and says, _‘Fuck, that feels good, Jack, fuck me harder. Please, Jack –’_

‘I didn’t!’ Alex leaps at him and yet he couldn’t help sniggering too, especially when he tried to grab hold of his shoulders but Jack caught his wrists and yelled, _‘Yes, Jack, spank me harder!’_ Then he winced and had to sit down, rubbing his thigh. His muscles twinged, and his ass felt raw and uncomfortable. 

‘Sorry, it just – everything aches.’ 

‘Oh dear. You’re probably feeling a bit sore. Here,’ he said, reaching for his legs, pulling him towards him and then starting to massage his thighs with his fingers, remarkably gentle for such a giant. Alex wondered how difficult it was to be aware of such ridiculous strength. ‘Is this a bit better? Sorry I kept your leg up for so long. Your asshole is probably gonna burn like fuck for a bit, too.’ 

Alex snorts and leans back, Jack’s touch soothing him almost immediately. It was worth it. ‘Whatever. When it’s better, we can do this again, can’t we?’ 

Jack looks up and grins at him, his hands moving up to hold Alex’s face. ‘Oh, sure we can.’ 

*** 

‘Peach usually does meals around here, because I’m useless, but I can probably find some snacks or something.’ Jack opens the cupboard and rummages around. ‘What the fuck is quinoa? Is it one of Electra’s weird vegetarian things?’ 

‘Peach?’ Alex asks, puzzled. 

‘Oh, Peach is just a silly nickname we have for Sabrina.’ Jack throws a bag of chips behind him and Alex catches them. ‘She’s a lovely kid. That girl is my pride and joy, Alexander. I’m pretty sure if you get past the fact she’s got zero filter, you’ll love her too.’ 

‘She’s dating Sam Miller, right?’ 

‘Yep. Us Montgomerys clearly have a reputation for, er, deflowering the residents of Pelican Town.’ Jack looked over his shoulder and winked. ‘The first time that kid walked into the kitchen topless and I saw him I thought he was going to shit himself.’ 

Alex almost choked. ‘So Sabrina took Sam’s V-card.’ 

‘Uh huh. That’s my girl!’ He lobbed an apple over his shoulder and Alex grabbed it. ‘That’s for me – Sabrina says I can’t eat shit all the time, and she’s right. I’ll lose muscle if I do.’ 

‘Y’know, most older brothers would get mad at the thought of their little sisters having sex.’ Alex raises his eyebrows and bites into Jack’s apple defiantly. Jack turns around and leans against the kitchen counter, muscles straining at his t-shirt, one brow raised. ‘What?’ 

‘Well, I don’t think about it, you weirdo, but I don’t care if she’s doing it, as long as she’s safe,’ he shrugged. ‘I’m a feminist, you know.’ 

It feels surreal, sitting at the table in that little farmhouse, eating crisps and apples and drinking coffee with Jack. They talk about everything under the sun, from the fact Abigail’s purple hair never seems to fade, how much Alex loved gridball and how he was the star player every year that he was at school (Jack tactfully didn’t mention the knee injury), how much Jack had hated school and how glad he was to get into the forces. 

‘Those guys were like my brothers,’ he sighed, shaking his head and raising his coffee mug to his lips. ‘They kept me going when I was away from my real family. Obviously there was the odd prick that called me “poof” or equally unsavoury homophobic names, but I joined the boxing team and got buff enough to stand my ground.’ He sips and puts the mug down, stretching his arms above his head, cricking his neck. Alex swallows as he watches the muscles flex in his arms. ‘Buff’ was an understatement. 

‘Do you miss it? Is Pelican Town not boring as fuck?’ he asks, running a hand through his hair and reaching for his own coffee (lots of sugar and cream, which Jack teased him for). 

‘Nah.’ Jack smiles and sits back in his chair. ‘Fresh organic fruit and vegetables, fresh eggs, all this fresh air? Wouldn’t trade it for the world. The quiet country life? That’s the life for me.’ 

Alex raises his eyebrows. ‘Seriously? Most kids here have one goal, which is to make it out before they’re twenty-five.’ 

Jack grins. ‘Not me. I’ve seen enough action for a lifetime, Alexander.’ 

‘Yeah, I can imagine,’ he sighs, looking down at his coffee. ‘That must have been… hard.’ 

‘Mm. But this is all I need – a roof over my head, a job to keep my hands busy, and my sisters. That’s it.’ 

When he risks one last long, slow kiss on the farmhouse steps and walks away, back towards town, Alex has realised that he wasn’t lying to Jack at all. He doesn’t just want a sex thing. He wants more. He thinks of the way Jack smiled at him and the feeling of his hands on his shoulders, and his pulse increases instantly. He thinks of those pretty dark eyes, those big hands, the way his dark hair stuck up at the front, and he curses him. This is a crush, a real, terrible crush that is rapidly consuming his head and heart and his body and soul. There’s one thing that’s for certain – Jack Montgomery is certainly not going to leave his thoughts any time soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am WELL aware that I can't write smut to save my fkin life, but I hope you at least enjoyed a little bit of it <3 thanks for sticking with me!


	14. Fish Casserole and Bouquets (Sam)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> are you ready for the fluff??? are you ready for the awkward meeting-the-family moment?

‘I’m sorry my mom is making you do this,’ Sam said apologetically. ‘You look really nice, though.’ 

Sabrina plucks at her pale blue dress with the white Peter Pan collar. It’s something she’s barely even touched since she left the valley. It feels funny, her hair being down instead of in a braid or ponytail. ‘I like your mom, idiot. And Vincent. Don’t stress. It’ll be fine.’ 

‘I’ve never brought a girl home before, so it’s kind of a new experience.’ He cracked a smile, remembering the first night he stayed at the farmhouse. ‘Lots of new experiences going on at the moment, huh?’ 

Sabrina snorted. ‘Don’t. Besides, you managed to get my fucking tank of a brother to like you, so I should be able to handle Jodi. I’ve already won Vincent over.’ 

He slid the key into the lock and pushed the front door open. Sabrina had been to 1 Willow Lane many times, to watch band practice or to pick up a snack when she was hanging out with Sam’s little trio, but not in such a formal setting. She liked the place; it was warm and homely, with clear evidence that a family lived there. Jodi had lots of family photos all around the place. Sabrina thought of the family photos they displayed back at Primrose Farm – Jack’s picture of him in his smart uniform, slightly blurry polaroids taken by Electra, Sabrina’s school graduation photo. In pride of place was a picture of Dad, ciggie hanging out of his mouth, in the smartest silver frame they owned. She never wanted to forget him, or any detail of his face. 

‘Hello, Sabrina, dear,’ Jodi greeted her warmly, reaching out to hug her. Jodi was the most maternal presence she’d felt in a long, long time – she wore soft cashmere cardigans and smelled like sugar and Chanel No.5. ‘It’s so nice to finally have you over. It’s not much, but I wanted to thank you and your brother for everything you’ve done for us.’ 

‘It’s really okay, Mrs Miller.’ Sabrina squeezed her back gratefully. She liked Jodi, with her long red braid and French manicure. ‘It’s nothing.’ 

‘Please, you can call me Jodi. I’ll have to thank Jack too – I just thought it might be nice to have you round properly, considering Sam’s told me so much about you already.’ 

‘Mom,’ Sam muttered, his cheeks turning red. 

‘Do you want any help in the kitchen?’ Sabrina asked politely. 

‘Oh, no, dear, you just-’

‘Sabrina!’ Vincent yelled, running out of the kitchen. He stood in front of her, jumping up and down. ‘Have you come over to play with me?’ 

‘Don’t overwhelm her, dear,’ Jodi chided gently, heading back towards the kitchen. 

‘Well, I really did come to see your mom, but I did bring you a little present, but you have to promise to save it til after dinner.’ Sabrina crouched down to Vincent’s level and got a little cellophane bag of cranberry candy out of her handbag. 

‘Wow! This is my favourite! How did you know?’ Vincent stared at her as she winked and tapped her nose. He gasped. ‘You’re like, magic!’ 

‘Hell yeah I am. Just make sure you give it to Jodi, okay? I don’t want her to tell me off for giving you sweets before dinner.’ 

It actually was a lot more relaxed than Sabrina would have thought. She and Sam stood in the kitchen and chatted to Jodi while she dished up, and then they sat down at the table to eat. 

‘This looks amazing, Jodi,’ Sabrina told her, helping to set the table. 

‘Oh, no, dear, it’s an old family recipe. I make it all the time purely because I know it off by heart now! Sam’s told me all about your cooking skills.’ 

Sam grinned at her. ‘Especially how good you are at making maple bars.’ 

‘So, why did all three of you decide to move away from home together?’ Jodi asked politely. Sam closed his eyes. Why did she have to ask awkward questions? He hadn’t told her that the Montgomerys’ father was dead, and he was surprised she didn’t know already because of small town gossip. ‘Have your family visited you here yet?’ 

Thankfully, Sabrina managed to play it off. ‘Oh, we’re basically just a family by ourselves. We lost our dad about a year or so back now, and my mom hasn’t been around for a long time. Jack’s sort of the head of the family now.’ 

‘Oh, you poor things.’ Jodi’s brow furrowed with genuine concern. ‘You’re all so alone in the world. You must come and ask us if you ever need anything, do you hear?’ 

It had been a very long time since Sabrina had ever really encountered such a maternal force in her life – Electra was her sister, but was literally anything but maternal, and dear Jack tried his best, but he wasn’t really a mother. She felt a lump rising in her throat and she looked down at her fish casserole, blinking furiously to stop herself crying. 

‘Thanks, Jodi,’ she mumbled, quickly shovelling some food in her mouth. Sam glanced at her worriedly, not sure what exactly was going through her head. ‘Um, this is really delicious.’ She meant it, too, but she didn’t want to cry at the table. 

‘Oh, I hope you’re not humouring me!’ 

‘I’m really not. Sam!’ she turned to him, grinning. ‘How’s the band going?’ 

Sam took the hint and looked up. ‘It’s good! Seb managed to secure this gig in Zuzu City in a few weeks so we’re gonna be practicing a lot. He always writes really depressing songs, though, which is a bit of a downer but I suppose I should just let him do what he wants, as long as he doesn’t mind me coming up with a bunch of songs with a bit more, like, energy? Also I don’t really want to fall out with him again, especially-’ he paused and looked around at the table. ‘I’m… doing that thing again, aren’t I? Where I go off on a tangent and don’t stop talking and change topics so – and I’m doing it again.’ 

Sabrina beamed at him. ‘I think it’s great you’re so passionate about something like music. It’s nice to hear you so excited.’ 

Jodi looked pleased. It was almost as if she was glad that Sabrina was encouraging Sam rather than bringing him down. ‘Yes, dear. Sabrina’s right. I’m so excited to see you play in Zuzu City.’ 

Sabrina side-eyed Sam. There was going to an agent at the concert – Abigail had told her, not Sam himself. Sam certainly had the raw talent to be scouted, but she knew he’d let hell freeze over before he left his mother and brother on their own and moved to the city. She certainly didn’t want to be one of the people that got in the way of Sam following his dreams, but she also – selfishly – didn’t want him to go anywhere. She liked him being here, her very own boy next door. 

‘I’m excited too. It’s the first time I’ll see you play live.’ 

‘Heh. It’s been a while since we did, but…’ Sam scratches the back of his neck and grins. ‘I think I’ve still got it.’ 

‘I’m so proud of you, Sam,’ said Jodi, beaming at him across the table. Her eyes seemed too watery. ‘You’re doing so well now. You’re getting gig offers pretty regularly now, and you’ve got yourself such a lovely girl…’ She looked over at Sabrina, who’d leaned over to help Vincent cut up his food and was having a conversation with him with incredible patience. ‘You’re a man now. Your father will be so proud.’ 

Sam’s chest tightened a little at the mention of Kent, but he just smiled back. ‘Thanks, Mom.’ 

Before they left (Sam was staying at the farmhouse again) Jodi took Sabrina’s face in her hands and said, ‘Thank you for taking care of my boy. You let me know if you need anything, all right? I meant what I said.’ 

Sabrina couldn’t quite pinpoint why Jodi’s maternal actions towards her made her feel funny, or why her legs seemed to wobble underneath her or why she wanted to cry. Perhaps it was because that had always been something that had been missing from her life. The only female influence in her life had been Electra – their mum had left when she was very young, so she didn’t remember her the way the others did. But she remembered how heartbroken Dad had been, the way he sat there and sobbed when he realised her handbag wasn’t on the landing and her suitcases were gone, and she knew that she would never ever be able to forgive her mother for what she had done to him. 

Sabrina stepped out the door and Sam followed. When they had walked a few metres from the house, nearer the riverbank and covered by trees, he stopped. 

‘Peach?’ 

‘Yeah?’ 

She turned round to face him. He had his hands behind his back and he looked nervous, nibbling on his lip and blinking at her anxiously. 

‘Look, I’ve been thinking since you called me the other night and I… I really like you, Peach. And I’m sorry I’ve started calling you Peach – I know it’s your brother’s name for you, it just kind of sounded cute and it’s just stuck and – I don’t know, I’ve just really liked hanging out with you and watching you cook and I kind of feel like you make me a better person, if that makes sense, but it probably doesn’t because there’s no way I could really explain it. I feel less alone, less lonely.’ He stops, realising he is talking too fast and he opens his mouth to apologise, but Sabrina doesn’t seem mad. She doesn’t even laugh. She’s looking at him very intently, as if she’s waiting for the next part, like she’s letting him speak. 

‘What I mean is… you don’t get mad at me for being… well, me. You don’t mind if I’m super quiet or if I’m literally going at a million miles per minute. I like you because you’re always just yourself and you don’t fake shit. And then you called me the other night and I kind of thought that we should go with that.’ 

And now, she supposes, it’s her turn. She takes a deep breath. It’s been a long time since she had to tell someone that she really, really liked them. Sam is used to being very emotional and speaking his mind, but she must be a lot more guarded than she thinks, because this is new. New experiences, Sam had said. For both of them, it seems. 

‘I like you too. I really do, and it’s kind of weird for me because I haven’t really felt like this before – and that’s okay. This place seemed so lonely when we first turned up here and I’m just really glad I found you. Because now I feel like I belong here, I belong to someone. It’s like home now.’ She breathes out. ‘Okay. I said it. No more cringe from me, okay?’ 

She laughs but she wants to cry too. It all feels so emotional and overwhelming – the way that Sam makes her feel is crazy. She doesn’t just feel like Sabrina the sister anymore, or Sabrina the farmer. She’s someone else now, Sam’s Sabrina, the one she wants to be. 

‘Okay, I got it,’ Sam chuckles. ‘I have a present for you, okay?’ 

‘Okay.’ 

He brings his hands from behind his back and holds a bouquet in front of her. 

‘Look, I tried to think of a big romantic gesture but I just figured I’d give it to you when the time felt right – and it feels right now.’ He looks at her hopefully. ‘Do you want to like, be a thing? It sounds so dumb, but I just wanna be able to call you my girlfriend, but do you want that too?’ 

Sabrina wants to burst into tears. ‘Of course I do, Blondie. Idiot. I was planning a whole bouquet thing myself. I only didn’t say it earlier because I was scared. I didn’t want you to fall out with Sebastian over something so dumb as a girl – I would never want to take your best friend away from you. I didn’t want it to get to a point where it was hard to go back. I didn’t want to break your heart. I was trying to give you a safety net. In case you changed your mind.’ 

Sam’s heart, to her, is still unbroken. It is untouched, innocent, and she never wanted to take that away from him. She didn’t want to be that girl. But Sam shook his head and grabbed her hand with his free one, pressing her palm to his chest. 

Fiercely, he says, ‘So what if you do? Break my heart if you want to. Smash it to fucking pieces. I don’t care. Do what you want with it. If we’re so guarded, we won’t ever be anything. Let’s go all in. No more safety net. I’m never going to change my mind.’ 

Sam grabs her, his arms round her, squeezing her tight. She closes her eyes and hugs him as hard as she possibly can. It feels stupid, almost, too good to be true. It’s like a romantic comedy or a teen chick flick. The bouquet is slightly squished between them but he doesn’t care. He presses his face into her neck, so that when he speaks his words tickles her ear. ‘Let’s do this for real, Peach.’ 

There is no going back from this. He kisses her, and gives her the bouquet, and she tuts and tries to straighten it out a little bit. 

‘It’s a shame it’s going to die. Flowers don’t last that long,’ Sam says a little disappointedly. 

‘It’ll be fine. I’m going to dry some of them out anyway, so I can keep them.’ 

He grins and takes her hand. ‘You’re fucking amazing.’ 

‘Oh, please shut up. You’re embarrassing me.’ But she’s grinning too, and he feels like he’s truly on cloud nine. He’s so high his head is swimming and he can’t think straight. All he can think about is Sabrina and how she wants to be his girlfriend, and he gets to stay over again tonight. 

Haley is standing outside her house next door. Sabrina told him why she does that – she knows that the saloon closes at midnight, and Emily should be coming home at about half past at the latest, so she waits for her to come home (even in the winter, she stands out there in her pink coat and gloves) because she gets worried she’ll forget her keys or something else which seems rather Emily-like. 

Sabrina waves to her. Haley looks over and waves back, then sees the bunch of flowers under one of her arms and starts going crazy, jumping up and down and yelling at the top of her voice. 

‘GET IT, BLONDIE!’ 

Sam starts laughing, and he can’t stop laughing. Sabrina has changed his outlook on life in this tiny town – he could never imagine himself even speaking to Haley before, but now he’s realised she actually has a great sense of humour. He laughed so hard and Haley yelled so loudly that their throats ended up raw and Sam considered himself very lucky that Jodi didn’t come out and ask what the hell was going on. It was nice to see Haley so happy for them, and it was also nice that someone was actually happy for him and his own happiness. Maybe things would be all right when Kent came home. Maybe he’d be happy for him too. 

*** 

Sam lay there in the flowery pink bed, his legs tangled up with Sabrina’s, his chin resting on the top of her head. It seemed very surreal, now that she had agreed to be his girlfriend, his heart beating a little faster than usual. 

‘Sabrina?’ 

‘Yeah?’ 

‘You’re fucking amazing.’ 

‘You told me earlier.’ 

‘Yeah, but I wanna tell you again. And I wanna tell you you’re fucking amazing because I’m not sure anyone else ever has.’ 

Sabrina paused, then closed her eyes and replied, ‘I suppose they haven’t, at least not with those exact words.’ 

‘Exactly. So, you’re fucking amazing.’ 

‘You’re fucking amazing too. Come on, let’s go to sleep.’ 

‘All right. Night, Peach.’ 

‘Night, Blondie.’


	15. Little Problems (Sam)(Alex)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam begins to face up to the fact he doesn't want his dad to come home and Alex starts thinking about coming out. xo

Sam sits up in bed, gasping for breath. 

_Your father will be coming home soon. Isn’t it wonderful?_

He put his head in his hands, trying to steady his breathing. Kent coming home was not a wonderful thing, as much as he wanted to tell himself that. He wasn’t ready. It had been five years, and he didn’t want Kent to come home and see that there was nothing for him to see. Sam hadn’t done anything with his life, and his father would never understand why he’d turned down all those gigs and contracts. But for Jodi, for Vincent, he had to pretend that he was excited. He had to. After all, Kent was his father. He was meant to be happy. 

He shifted in the bed, careful not to wake Sabrina. He felt uncomfortably wet. 

Oh no. 

Oh no. 

He almost screamed. He’d sworn he was done with all of this. He was never going to do that again. It had been a long time since this had happened and it wasn’t meant to happen again. It was never supposed to happen again. 

He edges his away out of the bed, glancing down at Sabrina, fast asleep, her dark hair fanned out across the pillow. The borrowed boxers from Jack are soaked – and for fuck’s sake, they’re Calvin Klein’s. He rakes his hands through his hair and grits his teeth. 

Right. 

He crosses the room and does his best to slide his arms under Sabrina, lifting her legs up so they’ll hang over his arm. She mumbles something in her sleep, but her breathing is still even and steady, so it’s a good sign. He has to get her out of that bed before she rolls over and fucking smells it. 

He lifts her up in his arms and carries her over to the big pink beanbag in the corner of her room, trying to lower her down onto that. It’s harder than it looks, because she’s asleep and her head just kind of lolls against him, and the beanbag isn’t at all flat so how the hell is he meant to keep her asleep if her head just falls back and she gets whiplash when he lets go of her? 

He gets as far as the bed, and he’s halfway through stripping the bed of the sodden, smelly sheets (thankfully the covers seemed all right and could wait until morning) when Sabrina woke up. 

‘Sam?’ she sounds sleepy, disorientated – but then she realises she’s not in bed. ‘Sam? What’s going on?’ 

‘Oh for fuck’s sake – give me a minute, yeah?’ 

‘What are you doing? It’s the middle of the night!’ She gets up, wearing one of Jack’s big t-shirts, padding across the floor in her bare feet. ‘Are you okay?’ 

‘Yeah, I’m fine,’ he snaps a little too harshly. ‘Look, just let me –’ 

‘Sam, give it to me, I’ll do it,’ she yawns tiredly rubbing her eyes. 

‘I said, I’ll do it.’ Sam is getting mad now, and he doesn’t recognise the feeling. He doesn’t like it. He never gets mad, especially not with Sabrina. She looks confused now, her hair sticking up in funny directions and her eyes barely open. 

‘Why are you being so weird? Let me change my own sheets! What happened, anyway?’ 

She reaches for the sheets and he yanks them out of her reach, rounding on her. 

_‘I pissed in your fucking bed, all right?’_

There’s a silence between them, in which Sam wants to knock himself out with that lampshade right there, but Sabrina just rubs her eyes and sighs. ‘Then we should change the sheets, shouldn’t we? I’ll be quicker than you.’ 

‘I don’t want you to have to touch them,’ he mutters, but he finally allows her to take the sheet from him and she strips and remakes the bed with remarkable efficiency, and he knows it would have taken him ten times as much longer and he would have fumbled through it and not tucked the corners in properly. ‘Sabrina, I – I’m sorry.’ 

‘Hmm?’ 

‘I’m sorry. I – I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,’ Sam tells her, and then he breaks down and he starts to cry. Loud, desperate sobs, that rattle her to the bone and break her heart. ‘God, I fucking suck.’ 

‘Sam? What’s going on with you?’ she asks, reaching up to put her arms round him. ‘Sit down – look, it doesn’t matter about the sheet. It happens to people all the time. Jack used to wet the bed when he first came home.’ 

‘Yes, but because of fucking PTSD, not because his dad is coming back from the fucking war.’ 

Sabrina’s eyes search his face, then she wipes his tears away with her hand. ‘Is this what this is about? Your dad?’ she asks softly. 

‘Ugh, for fucks sake – my dad – I don’t want him to come back, Peach,’ Sam sobs, falling to his knees. ‘It sounds so, so horrible, especially when my mom and Vin have been so gassed about seeing him again. It’s terrible. He’s my fucking father, but I – he’s the reason I wet the bed the first time, and all the other times.’ 

Sabrina gets down on the floor with him, pulling the sleep t-shirt over her legs to keep herself warm. ‘Sam? I didn’t know you felt this way. What did your dad do to you?’ 

‘He never – he never abused me or anything. He’d never hit us or anything. But I’ve always been so… scared of him. I guess my ADHD used to piss him off because I could never sit still. I was always being loud and annoying and he just lost his patience with me so many times. I started pissing the bed because I was so anxious he’d get mad with me.’ Sam wipes his eyes and his head drops onto Sabrina’s shoulder. ‘He made fun of me when Mom told him. Said I was a baby, I’d never be a real man… all this mean bullshit. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t hate him.’ 

‘Sam – you can feel whatever you want to feel. Don’t push your emotions away.’ She rubs his back, ignoring the fact he’s probably covered in his own piss. ‘It’s all right. Look, if it makes you feel better – Jack hates our mum.’ 

Sam looked up. ‘He does?’ 

Sabrina sighed sadly. ‘Yeah. Electra, too. Big time. I suppose I do too, but I don’t remember much of her.’ She remembered her black hair cut stylishly in a bob, her posh silk work shirts, her pointy boots and bootcut jeans she wore on the weekends, but other than that, her memories of Lisa-Marie Montgomery were rather blurry. ‘She left when I was little. Just left. Never saw her again – none of us did. She left my dad, which is why I hate her. My dad gave her everything. He just got the divorce papers in the mail.’ She shrugs, reaching out to flick Sam’s little blond cowlick off his forehead. ‘The other two were so hurt by it because they remember everything. It’s okay to be mad at your parents sometimes.’ 

She takes his hand and leads him into the bathroom where she runs a bath. Sam had always had showers at home, but he found that he liked lying back in the hot water, resting his aching limbs that were tired from lifting and carrying at JojaMart all day, watching the bubbles float around. She had the decency not to watch him undress. 

‘I know it’s weird that… that I can’t really be naked in front of you,’ Sam sighed, hoping that the bubbles were at least covering the important bits. Sabrina sat on the toilet seat, her elbows resting on her knees, her chin sitting on her fist. ‘I mean, I feel fine now, but I guess it’s… I don’t know. I just don’t feel good enough – but I’m trying to work out more.’ 

‘Sam, you don’t need to work out. I like you the way you are. But if you want to, for yourself, then you should,’ she tells him, sitting up straight and pulling her thick hair back into a ponytail. ‘Y’know, Jack’s started going to this boxing club in the city every week. Alex goes too, I think. Probably an excuse for them to spend time together.’ She waggles her eyebrows. ‘You could. Jack says it really helps when you’re feeling miffed about something.’ 

Sam smiled at her. It sounded like a good idea. ‘That sounds cool, Peach. I’ll try not to third wheel them too much, though.’ 

‘Don’t be silly – although they’re unbearable when they’re together.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Alex tries to act all casual when Electra or me or Penny’s around, but when he thinks you’re not looking you can see he’s obsessed with Jack. Can’t keep his fucking hands off him. He’s staying over tonight, doing god-knows-what in there.’ 

‘That must be nice for Jack, though, right? To find someone?’ 

‘Hmm. I’m not sure going out with someone closeted like that is a good idea for Jack, if I’m honest. It’s going backwards for him, and not forwards. But it’s weird – I’m never seen Jack act like that with anyone before. He’s had a few boyfriends and all that, but no one ever really lasted. No one could ever keep Jack’s attention for long.’ 

‘Jack’s kinda flighty, huh?’ Sam grins, sliding further down into the bathtub. 

‘Eh. Kinda. He’s a family man, you know?’ She stretches her arms up above her head. ‘He’s always been more fussed about his two dumbass sisters. Like I said, he had random boyfriends here and there, but no one could really…’ she drops her arms. ‘No one could get through to him. Not to Jack’s heart. I think he got so badly hurt at some point, so badly that he locked it away somewhere and gave up on all the love crap.’ She smiled and shrugged. ‘Still, who knows? Alex seems to have had an effect on him.’ 

‘You think they could be the real deal?’ 

‘Maybe.’ Then she raised her eyebrows. ‘That said, if Alex so much as makes him cry, I’ll kill him with my bare hands.’ 

*** 

Jack presses a kiss to Alex’s bare shoulder, fingers massaging the younger man’s back, smiling as he arches under his touch. 

‘That was good,’ Alex breaths, settling against him. Jack’s arm is draped over his body and their legs are tangled up in the sheets. If there is a way to feel sweaty and drained in a good way, then that’s how he feels at that exact moment. He feels fulfilled for the moment, at ease with himself, but he knows that as soon as he steps out of that farmhouse door and makes his way into the forest he will start to feel withdrawal, his fingers aching for Jack again. ‘It was good.’ 

‘Yeah, it was,’ Jack sighs, his breath tickling Alex’s ear. ‘It’s becoming a pretty regular occurrence, isn’t it, Alexander?’ 

Alex feels that familiar heat in his face and neck and he wriggles as Jack’s thumb brushes his cheek. His back is pressed against that perfect chest, his butt sitting neatly in his lap. They fit together like a puzzle. Jack’s hand is still just sitting above where his ribcage is, and he knows that he’ll tickle him if he doesn’t say anything soon. 

‘That’s okay, though, isn’t it?’ 

‘Sure it is,’ Jack says, his fingernails grating over Alex’s hip, which makes him tingle a little. ‘I’m not complaining.’ 

‘Neither am I.’ 

‘Well, that’s good then.’ 

‘It is indeed.’ 

Alex wriggles again and turns around so that he can face Jack. ‘I know you want me to come out.’ 

Jack raises his dark arched eyebrows. ‘Well, of course I’d like you to.’ 

‘I know.’ 

‘And I know that it’s going to be hard for you,’ he says softly, pinching the end of Alex’s nose, earning him that signature scowl. ‘Don’t look like that. If the wind changes direction you’ll stay that way. I wouldn’t mind though – I think it’s cute,’ he grins, bending his head for a kiss. Alex can’t stay scowling for long – as soon as Jack’s lips touch his and he feels that hand on his back, he melts in his arms, helpless against his charms. ‘No, really, it’s difficult. I know that. But if this is a – well, an emotional connection –’ 

‘It is,’ Alex cuts in, putting his arms round Jack’s neck. ‘It is. You know that.’ 

‘I do,’ Jack continues patiently, fingers gliding over the scar on Alex’s knee that serves as a constant reminder that his future is non-existent. ‘I do know that. But it’s hard to date someone that you can’t be seen with in public with. I’m… I’m just too old for that kind of shit now, Alex. I’m nearly twenty-six.’ He groans and runs his hands over his face. ‘God, I’m fucking old.’ 

‘No, you’re not. Only like… three years old than me.’ Alex takes his hands away from his face. ‘And I’m… I’m working on it. I’ll tell my grandparents first, all right? And then we’ll just act like we’re together and be all nonchalant and no one will know when it even started. Then everyone will just know.’ 

‘All right. However you want it.’ Jack taps the end of his nose with his finger. ‘I’m not trying to pressure you into something. I don’t mind if you’re not ready for a serious thing.’ 

Alex glowers. ‘I am. With you.’ 

He thinks of only fifteen minutes ago, when Jack gripped his hips and pushed himself into him, using one hand to tilt his chin upwards so Alex had to look at him, had to look up into that face, into those dark eyes, as he moaned above him, filled his ass and told him he was such a good boy, and his toes curls automatically. He thinks of the times they’ve sat at that kitchen table eating sandwiches, the way Jack leans over the table to kiss the corner of his mouth, the way he puts his hand on the back of his neck when he pours him coffee. The way he takes his t-shirt off to do farm work just to make Alex flush red all over, or the way he yawns and runs a hand through his hair, arching his back to stretch, when he wakes up. He’s ready, all right. 

‘I am,’ he reiterates. ‘I swear.’ 

Jack nods slowly and strokes his hair, big fingers running along his scalp, making him instantly relax. ‘I am, too.’ 

‘I’ll work it out.’ 

‘I know you will.’ 

It’s late at night, but the lampshade is casting enough light over them so that Alex can see the dark stubble that peppers the bottom half of his face in a 5’o clock shadow. When it grows out a little more, he knows that Jack will sit at the table with a towel tucked round his neck like a bib for Sabrina to give him a good old-fashioned shave with shaving foam and a big cutthroat razor. She does the same for Sam sometimes, but with a hand razor. He touches the place behind his ear, where he knows there are two small letters tattooed there in fancy writing – an ‘E’ and an ‘S.’ 

‘You’re handsome,’ Alex murmurs, running his finger along his jawline. Yoba, he thinks. It’s sharper than a fucking knife. ‘Really fucking handsome.’ 

Jack widens his eyes in exaggerated mock-surprise. ‘A compliment? For me, a humble farmer? From you, Mr Mullner? Well, you really do flatter me, sir.’ 

‘Oh shut up. You know you’re fucking handsome anyway, you big buff asshole,’ Alex huffs in reply. 

Jack flexes his arms ostentatiously and Alex’s mouth waters. ‘Whatever you say. Do you want a compliment back?’ 

Alex snorts. ‘Sure.’ 

‘You’re pretty. You’re a total pretty boy.’ As Alex’s eyes narrow and he flies at him, he laughs and grabs his wrists, rolling over and pinning him down with ease. Alex succumbs with ease, knowing there’s no point fighting back, and sticks his tongue out at him. 

‘Stick that out again and I’ll bite it,’ Jack whispers, bending down so their noses almost touch. There’s a husky edge to his voice, one that sends delightful shivers down Alex’s spine. ‘I was going to say, you’re a pretty boy and therefore, you’re exactly my type. So settle down, before I have to make you.’ 

‘Asshole.’ 

‘Well, you definitely like it when I play with yours, don’t you?’ he grins, sitting up and rolling off Alex, landing on his back beside him and stretching out on the bed, stark naked. Alex has to do everything he can not to stare. ‘Aw, don’t blush.’ 

‘I can’t help it! Especially when you say things like – oh, forget it. We still going boxing tomorrow?’ 

‘Sure we are, cupcake.’ Jack replies, pulling the covers over him. ‘Wouldn’t dream of missing it.’ 

‘Sam says he’s gonna start going.’ 

‘Well, that’s good. Kid’s got a programme to follow, the doc gave him it. He knows all about us anyway, and I’d trust him with my life. He treats my sister well, and that’s all I can ask for.’ Jack sniggers and flicks Alex under the chin. ‘Don’t be jealous, pumpkin.’ 

‘I am not! And don’t call me – ughhhhhh,’ Alex groans, kicking his legs against the bed and putting his face in his hands. 

‘What? Pumpkin?’ Jack asks fake-innocently, ‘Or cupcake? Or princess?’ 

‘Especially princess!’ 

‘All right, so no princess. But cupcake and pumpkin are all right?’ 

‘No! Not cupcake or pumpkin, or beautiful or sweetheart or –’ 

‘But I can call you darling, right?’ Jack tickles him and he shrieks, practically convulsing on the bed. He’s ridiculously ticklish and he regrets ever telling him about it. ‘All right, you made your point! Don’t wake up the whole house. Well, don’t worry, you’ll always be my number one, even if I decide to start helping Sam with training.’ 

Alex is fairly sure that Jack likes embarrassing him. He probably gets off on it, he thinks. He’s forever calling him these ridiculous pet names as a joke, smirking when Alex whines or tries to throw a tantrum about it. He given him all manner of stupid ones – sweetheart, darling, cupcake, pumpkin, beautiful – all of which Alex gets cross about but he still can’t stop himself biting his lip and blushing like an idiot. He supposes it’s something he’ll just have to get used to.


	16. First Date (Alex)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty Jack x Alex centric, so if you're into that, keep reading! In hindsight I probably should have split this story into parts depending on the characters so that people could pick and choose what they wanted to read, and I still might do that, so just keep an eye out xo

Alex can’t help himself sniggering as he has to hold on Sabrina’s arm, barely able to stand. He feels winded from the physical effort of moving the statue, and his head is swimming from the amount of alcohol he’s consumed. 

‘I still can’t fucking believe we did it,’ he gasps, unable to stop laughing as Sabrina snorts unceremoniously and collapses into giggles. The majority of the residents of Pelican Town are drinking away in the saloon, happily oblivious to the fact that Sabrina had vaulted over Mayor Lewis’ garden fence and then helped Alex over, and they’d dragged the ridiculous golden statue all the way round the front and into the town square, proudly setting it up next to Pierre’s General Store. ‘We’re gonna be in so much shit when they find out.’ 

‘Well, tough. That’s what he gets for spending our business tax on gold statues of himself.’ She rubbed her hands together and grinned. ‘Come on, we’d better run before we get caught. Lewis nearly got Electra arrested the last time.’ 

As the saloon door opens and the sound of laughter and glasses clinking together is heard, Sabrina grabs Alex’s hand and they start running, stifling their giggles as they sprint back to the farm. Never in a million years did he think he’d be doing this at this exact moment, and he knows that he’s risking a lot, but he’s very glad he has a friend like Sabrina. 

*** 

‘Boxing?’ Jodi asked in disbelief. ‘What on earth for?’ 

‘I just want to do it. Doc thinks it might make me feel better about being so restless all the time.’ Sam takes a bite of his toast. Vincent is sitting opposite him with his apple juice and crayons, scribbling away. ‘It would be good for me to get fit, too.’ 

‘But why boxing? Why can’t you play a sport that’s less… violent?’ Jodi protests, putting her tea mug down. ‘I want to support you, Sam, but I won’t support you getting pummelled.’ 

Sam just felt irritable at this. ‘Well, you don’t have to, Mom, because I’m an adult. I can do boxing if I want to.’ 

‘Sam! Don’t speak to me like that!’ 

‘Well, it’s true! And Dad would maybe finally be proud of me if I learned something like that. I’ll do it without your support or not, but it would be nice if you could stand behind me. That’s what I meant to say, all right?’ 

Jodi sighed. ‘All right, Sam. I know there’s no stopping you. It was the same with music, wasn’t it? Just – be careful, all right? Who are you going with?’ 

‘Jack. Oh, and Alex as well. Alex is actually pretty nice.’ 

‘Is he? What happened to Sebastian and Abigail?’ Jodi asks, fiddling with the end of her braid. ‘I haven’t seen you hang out with them for a while.’ 

‘We’re still friends,’ Sam shrugs. ‘I just have other stuff to do now.’ 

*** 

‘So you really moved in, huh?’ Sam asks, standing with his hands on his hips, grinning at Penny, who is washing the dishes. ‘Are you happy here?’ 

‘Oh, yes. Ever so,’ Penny replies, as Fred leaps through the cat flap and wanders over to his bowl. ‘It’s so much nicer here – I don’t even mind it being a little hectic. I can still teach the kids, and I try to help Sabrina with the chores as much as I can. I do leave the cooking to her, though, since it’s not exactly my strong point,’ she admits, and they both giggle, remembering too many of Penny’s cooking escapades. Then Penny frowns slightly, looking down at her hands in the soapy water. ‘Poor Sabrina.’ 

‘Why? Has she said something to you? Is she not happy?’ 

‘No, she is. But even though she’s the same age as us, she doesn’t seem like she’s had much of a childhood, or much of a life in general. Mind you, none of them do. Especially Jack – that man is troubled, very troubled, Sam, I know it.’ 

Right on cue, Jack comes through the door of the farmhouse, pulling off his gardening gloves. Alex follows closely behind, hands in his pockets, offering Sam a small embarrassed smile. Sam just beams and nods back, not wanting the other man to feel awkward. He’d never known Alex very well, because he was a few years older than him and they’d never really run in the same circles, but he did remember the day he smashed his knee in a game, the tears that ran down his face. He had no idea he was gay, though – it seemed no one did. He wondered how many people in the village who he’d grown up with had huge secrets weighing them down. 

*** 

‘Did you have a nice time at the Montgomerys, dear?’ Evelyn asked as Alex bit into his third cookie. She never stopped trying to push food on him, and in all honesty he had no problem with that. He could eat for England if he had to. ‘What did you get up to?’ 

Alex swallowed. ‘Er, not much. We went to boxing and all that.’ 

‘Is the boxing going good, boy?’ George barked from the living room. 

‘Yeah, Grandpa, it’s going well!’ Alex called back, quickly tipping his glass of milk up to his lips. 

He decided not to mention anything else that he’d been up to, like the fact he and Jack had had sex twice before even going to bed, then once they actually got into bed, then again in the morning, again in the shower, and when the house was empty Jack had bent Alex over the kitchen table and fucked him again. That made… well, six times. Or five. Which was it? All he really knew was that his asshole was burning like a bitch and he could barely sit still on the kitchen chair five minutes without having to shift about awkwardly. 

‘I like that Jack,’ Evelyn commented, patting her grandson’s shoulder. ‘And I do like his little sister, too. I think she’s a sweet little thing.’ 

‘She’s Sam Miller’s girlfriend now,’ Alex told her, cramming the rest of the cookie in his mouth. ‘Haley says they seem like the real thing.’ 

‘Well, he runs round after her like a little puppy dog, big eyes and all,’ George snorted, his eyes not leaving the television. ‘They’ll be married within the goddamn week.’ 

‘George, don’t swear, dear. Well, they’re a lovely couple. I’m not sure about the other sister, but that Sabrina is very nice,’ Evelyn smiled. 

‘She’s a cheeky cow. Did you hear about the purple shorts debacle at the valley fair? I thought Lewis was going to hit her. And what’s this about her jumping in and out of your window at night, boy? Your grandmother’s been hearing rumours.’ 

Alex gulped. ‘It’s a long story, Grandpa. And it wasn’t anything weird, she was just helping me out with something. Don’t listen to Lewis. He’s a gossip.’ 

‘Like every other bugger in this damn town.’ 

‘George! There, Alex dear, finish up your cookies quick.’ 

Alex shoved them in his mouth and darted into his bedroom as quickly as he could. He stood with his back against the closed door, breathing in and out, trying to even himself out. As if his grandparents had any idea what was really going on in his life. He wished he could tell them, both of them, but he had no idea how they’d react. George was always saying the word ‘faggot’ and other very inappropriate slurs and not realising that he couldn’t say them, and he knew it would get ten times worse, and although he meant no harm it could be embarrassing. 

He picked up his phone and dialled Jack’s number. 

‘Alex?’ 

‘Jack?’ 

‘You okay? Did you leave something behind here or something?’ 

‘No, no, I just -’ Alex closes his eyes and walks away from the door, so that no one can hear him. His grandparents are so deaf he knows he’s being unreasonably paranoid, but it never hurts to be careful. ‘It’s so dumb. I’m sorry.’ 

‘What’s dumb? Why are you sorry?’ He hears Jack sit down, and something like a mug on a wooden table. ‘Are you all right?’ 

‘I just – ugh, fuck,’ he groans, rubbing his face. ‘I missed you. Already. That’s all.’ 

Jack doesn’t tell him he’s too much or too clingy or anything. He chuckles. ‘Aw, Alexander. You’re gonna make me blush, you know.’ 

‘Stop. I know it’s so stupid, but I just – I think when I’m at the farm I feel so much better. And I think less about my stupid knee and how much everything’s so messed up because of that one tackle… ugh. I’m sorry.’ 

‘What? Don’t be sorry, Alex. There’s nothing wrong with you wanting to actually spend time with me. I’d be worried if you didn’t!’ 

Alex massages his forehead. ‘I do. I really do.’ 

‘Me too.’ 

‘Sorry if I’m always jumping on you. Its… it’s kind of new to me, and even though I suppose I always knew I was… gay, I never really wanted to have sex with anyone. And now I do. With you. And I know I’m kind of a lot, but…’ 

Jack snorted. ‘You think I’m complaining? I’m just as bad – I can’t keep my fucking hands off you, Alexander.’ 

‘You’re the worst,’ Alex groaned, covering his face with his hand as if Jack was there in the room with him. ‘I wish I could just stop being such a pussy so we could do normal things that people do when they’re dating.’ 

‘Like what?’ 

‘I don’t know. Dinners and movies and stuff. I’ve never really done that kind of shit.’ 

Jack paused. ‘Then I’ll take you on a date. Next week. In the city, so no one can see us. How’s that?’ 

Alex smiles – he can’t help it. ‘I’d actually really like that.’ 

‘All right. Then it’s settled. Hold me to it.’ 

*** 

Jack is as good as his word. 

Almost exactly a week later, at five past six, they are sitting in a restaurant in Zuzu City that has candles on the tables and four knives and forks. Alex is wearing the blue shirt that Evelyn always keeps hanging in his wardrobe, ironed to perfection – his special occasion shirt, and she always puts so much starch in the collar that it keeps him bolt upright at all times. He feels hot and sweaty even though couples are sitting all around them, chatting away easily, and there’s air conditioning so he shouldn’t be hot at all. In addition, Jack sits opposite him, completely at ease, in a crisp white shirt – first few buttons undone – and smart trousers, leaning back in his chair, hair attractively messy as usual. It’s so strange to see him in something other than grubby t-shirts and work jeans, dress shoes instead of mud-caked boots, but it’s nice. 

In reality, Jack had tried to wash a white shirt the night before but had put it in with the colour wash, which included Electra’s red sweater, and it came out bright pink. Sabrina had washed another one in the morning, tumble-dried it and ironed it, but Alex didn’t need to know that. He also didn’t need to know that his sister had had to polish his shoes and tie them for him because his fingers were fumbling. No, Alex didn’t need to know that. 

‘I don’t think I’ve ever actually been on a date before,’ Alex says, twisting his hands in his lap. ‘Apart from friend dates with Haley, which people used to assume were actual dates, but they weren’t. We were just making up really gross fanfictions about Morris and Pierre and making fun of Sebastian’s haircut.’ 

‘Don’t mention that jumped-up prick to me,’ Jack tuts, running a hand through his hair. ‘I’ve seen him making eyes at my sister.’ 

‘But Sam makes eyes at your sister too, right?’ he grins back, fiddling with the smallest fork. There are both wine glasses and water glasses and he wonders if Jack drinks wine. ‘He’s always with her.’ 

‘Oh, yeah. Those two stick together like shit to a blanket,’ Jack snorts, adjusting his collar. ‘Nah, I like that kid. He leaves her flowers in our mailbox and calls her Sabrina Banana, for crying out loud. He’s as innocent as they get.’ 

‘You love your sisters a lot, huh?’ Alex asks, feeling a little wistful. He wishes he had a sibling, and the closest thing he has to that is Haley, but everyone always thinks they’re shagging. He’s seen Jack carrying Sabrina on his shoulders or her practically dragging him home from the saloon when he’s had about ten too many beers. Even Electra sings loudly with him at karaoke night and lights his cigarettes for him when he’s working. 

‘Of course. They’re my whole world,’ Jack replies sincerely, then rests his elbows on the table and looks at him in the eye. ‘Still, enough about my sisters – we both have to deal with them way too often. As cliché as it is, tell me about you.’ 

Alex smiles apologetically. ‘There’s not much to tell. I was meant to go to college a few years ago on a sports scholarship, but I lost the funding because of my knee. And now I don’t really know what to do.’ 

Jack looks sympathetic. ‘That’s got to suck.’ 

‘Yeah. It was pretty shit. My grandpa was so upset for me.’ 

‘I could’ve gone to college, I think, but it just never suited me. I ended up just enlisting when I was eighteen, and I didn’t leave until a year back or so. It worked out for me, though, so I can’t complain.’ He shakes his head. ‘It was difficult saying goodbye, though. Especially the first time.’ 

‘My dad was in the army for a bit. He, er… he didn’t really do that well there, though,’ Alex says awkwardly, trying not to think of his father. Or his mother. 

Jack doesn’t push the subject, and Alex is glad he’s so good with social cues. ‘Did you miss your family when you were away?’ 

‘Yeah, a lot. But I did get along with most of the guys I was with. It was all right, I suppose. Most of the time.’ His hand slides across the table and over Alex’s, warm and heavy and callused from all the heavy work on the farm. He smiles vaguely. ‘I’m glad to be back on home territory, though.’ 

The waiter comes over to take their order at that moment, and Alex’s head is lost for a moment, and thankfully Jack orders first so that he doesn’t look like too much of an idiot. 

‘A beer, please. And the chicken special, if that’s all right.’ 

Alex swallows thickly and manages to come out with, ‘A beer too, and the steak, please.’ 

‘No problem, and how would you like it cooked, sir?’ 

‘Um, medium-rare, please.’ 

Jack grins at him. ‘Good to know how you like your meat done, Alexander.’ 

Thankfully, the waiter doesn’t seem to catch that last part, and as he walks away, Alex closes his eyes in embarrassment. ‘You are terrible.’ 

‘I take a lot of pride in it, thank you.’ Jack looks pleased with himself, running his fingers over the hand on the table. ‘You didn’t take your hand away, so you can’t be that mad with me.’ 

‘Because you’re – ugh, I’ll fucking strangle you,’ Alex hisses, but that doesn’t deter his partner in the slightest. 

‘Don’t tempt me with a good time.’ 

Alex’s first real date goes better than he really expected it to – he manages to relax and loses that awkwardness that he’d been crippled by when he’d first met Jack, that haunted man who had seen far too much, who shielded those two girls with his very life, that godlike body that had been perfectly crafted to protect the fragile heart that resided inside. 

‘Is everything okay?’ Jack asked, cocking his head to the side a little. ‘You look kind of spooked.’ 

‘Oh – no, it’s nothing. It’s weird, I just was thinking about all the shit you must have gone through, and you’re – I don’t know,’ he looked down at his fork. ‘But you’re still, y’know, nice. You’re still sweet and all that.’ 

Jack looked pleasantly surprised. ‘Well, that’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me, Alexander.’ 

Alex squirms. That makes him feel bad. ‘Well, it’s true, isn’t it?’ 

‘Hmm. Well, if I’d gone the other way, I might have ended up like Electra.’ Jack chews thoughtfully. ‘She’s an example of someone who’s seen some shit and she came out of it as a total mess. Still, you seem very well-rounded, Mr Mullner, but I don’t know much about you yet.’ 

Alex swallows steak and glances up at the man sitting across from him. He suddenly wants to hug him, to bury his face in that white shirt, to curl his fingers in that dark hair. ‘I, er, I live with my grandparents because my dad isn’t really… around anymore. He wasn’t that nice or anything, we didn’t really get on. My mom is... she’s gone.’ He pauses. ‘That sounded really dark. Sorry.’ 

But Jack smiles at him, tender and understanding. ‘Snap. One dead parent and one that disappeared. Except switch them round. Well, we’re a lot more alike than you’d think, aren’t we?’ 

*** 

‘Yoba, she was almost arrested,’ Jack sniggered, as Alex has to stop himself from slapping the table too hard with laughter. ‘Lewis was furious. I’d never seen him so mad. Who would have thought he had a whole gold statue of himself? It was ridiculous.’ 

‘What did they do?’ 

‘Sabrina and Electra dragged the goddamn thing out from his shed and set it up in the town square in the middle of the fucking night.’ Jack snorts and has to wipe his nose with the napkin. ‘They were both off their tits. See, they do get on sometimes.’ 

‘I still can’t believe it was Gus that found it!’ 

‘You could tell he found it fucking hilarious, but he was trying not to laugh in front of Lewis. Then when we next went into the saloon he gave us drinks on the house and told us he was glad someone took Lewis down a peg!’ Jack grins at the memory and leaned back in his seat. ‘Y’know, I might run for mayor one day. I’d take Sabrina as my running mate since she’s the savviest, but we all know she’ll be the one to get married and have kids out of us three.’ 

‘What about Electra?’ 

‘She’ll run the farm for me. She’s actually pretty smart. So you can be my running mate, Vice Mayor Mullner,’ he teases, saluting. ‘In all honesty, Peach hasn’t been that well for a while. She’s got this Crohn’s Disease – our dad had it, but never passed it on to me or Electra. She can usually live with it, but it’s getting worse.’ 

Alex stared at him, his ice-cream spoon halfway to his mouth. ‘Crohn’s? So she won’t… she won’t get really sick, will she?’ 

He had to admit that although his involvement with Jack was meant to be strictly secret and it was stressful with more and more people finding out, he was glad that Sabrina knew. He had become fond of the short, stocky girl that was famous for pulling the most ridiculous pranks and could often be seen standing on one of the rungs of the wooden gate at the farm, leaning over and kissing Sam Miller goodbye on a Monday morning as he set off for his long shift at Joja Mart. She was always asking Alex if he was hungry, and she was a good cook so he said yes as often as he could without being rude, and she always sat and drank a juice box with him on the farmhouse steps as he waited for Jack to finish working. 

‘No, she’ll be okay. But she’s been on all kinds of different medicines and they’re not really working – so Harvey’s been talking about getting a surgeon into town to give her some sort of… bowel resection or something. I just don’t know what I’ll do for the weeks she’s out of commission. I was thinking of asking the sunshine kid, but he’s doing a shit load of overtime as it is.’ 

‘I’ll do it,’ Alex insisted, putting his spoon down. ‘I don’t have a job right now, and it means I can spend time with you, right?’ 

Jack cracked a grin. ‘All right, Mullner. You got me.’ 

*** 

Once the bill had been paid, Jack and Alex left the restaurant hand-in-hand and headed to a quiet bar downtown called Shakespeare’s Cat. It seemed to be very indie and arty, neon signs and art all over the walls, a bartender with a dark ponytail and a nose ring behind the bar, polishing glasses. It wasn’t somewhere Alex would usually pick, but it seemed perfect at that moment. Anywhere was perfect if he was with Jack. 

‘Me and my sisters used to come here when I was on leave,’ Jack tells Alex, his hand lightly on his back as he stands back to let him through the door. ‘I knew it would be quiet tonight, which is exactly what I’m feeling, really.’ 

Alex had to agree, the atmosphere pleasant and calm as they ordered drinks and sat down. He had never been a fan of beer and Jack probably knew it, but he felt like he had to do something to make himself look manly, so he ordered a beer too. He’d always been more of a cocktail man, but he didn’t want to be a complete twink all the time, and he could always drink cocktails with Sabrina, anyhow. 

‘Let’s play a game.’ Jack told him, tapping Alex’s hand on the table with his finger. He looked almost amused, like he was having a good old think about how to wind his partner up now. ‘Like Secrets and Sins. I tell you a secret, and you tell me a secret. Get it?’ 

‘I barely have any secrets. Except for, you know, being kind of gay,’ Alex replies, rolling his eyes. 

‘Aw, come on. I took you out for dinner, didn’t I? So humour me a little. I’ll go first,’ Jack tells him, sipping his beer. ‘I regret going into the military.’ 

‘Why?’ 

‘Because it took me away from my family, and if I’d known that my dad was going to die young, then I would have just stuck at a shitty office job so I could have spent more time at home. Your turn,’ he adds, nudging Alex’s foot with his own. He has no qualms about telling the auburn-haired man his secrets, but the guilt still eats him up inside and he is desperate to move on. 

‘Um. I fancied you from the first time I saw you.’ Alex smiles sheepishly. ‘From the day you all got off the train with your luggage.’ 

He still remembers. He had hung back at a distance, with Lewis and Robin being the ones to greet them properly. They looked like they’d really run away from their old life on a complete whim – Electra was dressed in black jeans and her signature leather jacket, her hair scraped back into a messy ponytail, her makeup smudged round her eyes, lugging a black suitcase with her. Jack had been wearing military fatigues, a bag slung over his shoulder, gripping a fresh-faced Sabrina’s hand very tightly, who looked like she’d just been yanked of an office – blouse, grey skirt and blazer, black kitten heels. He’d never have guessed she was an engineer, not at that point. She looked too young to be working full time, and it suddenly made Alex feel very embarrassed that he wasn’t. 

‘We were a motley crew, weren’t we?’ Jack grins. ‘I didn’t even have any clothes. I’d just gotten back from service, Sabrina handed in her notice and practically ran off overnight, Electra just resurfaced from whatever crack den she was living in at the time. It was like a fucking movie.’ He smiles and reaches across the table for Alex’s hand. ‘I’m glad I did it, though.’ 

‘So am I,’ Alex mumbles, his cheeks turning pink. ‘And, yeah, all right, I actually did peep at you that time in the spa. Your turn.’ 

‘Of course you did.’ Jack sits back and thinks. ‘Mine are all a bit depressing, really. I didn’t think about that.’ 

‘Tell me anyway.’ 

‘All right. Well, the first few weeks in the valley after coming home, I wet the bed almost every night.’ 

Alex can only feel sad when he hears this. ‘Because of the… the PTSD?’ 

‘Yeah. I used to freak out something huge, and just piss everywhere, and I’d wake up all smelly and gross and have to shower at like four am. Sabrina would have to come and lie next to me until I fell asleep again, which according to some people is weird, but hey ho.’ 

‘It’s not. She’s your sister.’ 

‘Exactly. Your turn.’ 

‘The, er, the golden Lewis statue?’ Alex prays that Sabrina won’t shout at him for telling, and he smiles awkwardly as Jack raises his eyebrows. ‘Heh. Um, that was me. And Sabrina. Sorry.’ 

Jack stares at him for a moment, and then he bursts out laughing. He laughs so hard he cries, his face in his hands. A huge feeling of relief flows through Alex’s body and he grins as Jack wipes his eyes, still chuckling. 

‘Don’t grin at me, you little – I honestly didn’t think even Sabrina would have the nerve to do that again, let alone you!’ Jack is still laughing, though, and Alex is glad that he is. He had been worried about the small chance of him being angry, because Sabrina had almost gotten into a lot of trouble over it. Lewis had accused her of it once again and there had been a very awkward altercation in the farmhouse. Of course, she’d denied it to the last minute, shaking her head and raising her eyebrows as if it was an injustice. ‘What the hell has she roped you into this time?’ 

‘It doesn’t matter. Lewis would never square up to my grandma,’ Alex replies, sipping his beer. ‘She’d have him on the floor in seconds.’ 

‘I’m a bit scared of Evelyn, to be honest,’ Jack snickers. ‘Do you like living with them?’ 

He smooths down his trousers, pressing his palms to his thighs. ‘Yeah. It’s way better than living with my… my, er, dad. My grandpa can be a bit grouchy, but he’s a good guy. He cares about me a lot, and I guess that’s all I can ask for.’ He looks down at his lap and remembers his mother, painfully, her curly hair that was exactly the same dark auburn colour as his, how she always had a French manicure. Every now and then he will think of her and feel the big Clara-shaped hole in his heart, but he always manages to push it away from him and forget again. He’s always managed to carry on. 

Jack doesn’t press the matter. ‘Yeah, I get that.’ 

‘You guys really miss your dad, right?’ 

There’s a moment where Jack’s face falls, and Alex catches a glimpse of that shame, that guilt, that pain that plagues Jack every day. It stalks him, it follows him, it is a part of him. it’s only visible for one second, maybe even less, but it’s there, and Alex has seen it, and now he wishes he’d never said anything in the first place. There is a child inside Jack, a child that is afraid, and he wants to hug him across the table. 

‘Yeah,’ he says eventually. ‘Yeah, we do. I miss him a lot. I don’t think my old man had any regrets, though,’ Jack muses, lifting his glass. ‘I think he was happy. I think he’d be happy that we’re happy.’ 

‘You’re really happy?’ Alex asks, his heart thumping underneath his ironed shirt. 

Jack smiles, all real and genuine. ‘Yeah. I am.’ 

*** 

Jack leans over in the dark after parking the car and kisses him behind his ear, where it tingles. ‘I had a good time, pretty boy.’

Alex swallows hard. ‘I had a good time, too. Thank you – for everything.’ 

‘Anytime.’ 

There’s a pause. He doesn’t want this to end, these golden hours where they talk about anything and everything, no matter how dark or depressing. ‘Can I stay over?’ 

‘Sure you can, Alexander. Thought I’d have to ask myself.’ 

The sisters are asleep, and from the absence of a blue denim jacket hanging on the back of one of the kitchen chairs, it’s clear that Sam is at his house. Alex has noticed him changing – he’s not trailing after Sebastian and Abigail all the time, kicking up the dirt, and he’s not just messing about on his skateboard in front of his house. He has watched the eldest Miller son really grow into a man, with his boxing and helping out on the farm and dedication to his girlfriend. Things are changing. Time is passing. And it could be a lot worse than this, Alex thinks, as he watches Jack unbutton his shirt to get ready for bed. 

He doesn’t just want to look at Jack like a piece of meat anymore. He sees him an anchor, something that holds him together and keeps him joined to his true self, because only Jack has seen through that jock exterior. He’s something special. He’s everything. 

Yeah. It could be a lot worse.


	17. Destiny (Sam)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, this is where Sam finally uses the 'L' word for the first time, and there's more than one 'first' in this chapter. Sorry for not uploading for so long!

‘So your dad is due home next week, right?’ Sabrina asks. 

It’s heading towards sunset, the air still warm enough to sit on the beach in a sundress, the sky turning from blue to purple and pink and orange. Willy’s silhouette has retreated back into his hut on the pier and Elliott will be at the saloon until late, and Sam is glad that he managed to salvage the evening off from Morris and Sabrina managed to get everything she needed to do done already that day. He had tried to help her so many times, but she always insisted on lugging those huge wooden kegs and cheese presses herself. She’d had to bottle the wine that was ready, which seemed like a very long and laborious process, and then make a pulp by crushing the two crates of grapes that Jack had harvested that morning, and then there seemed to be an awful lot of straining and fermenting. Then she’d had to fix two sprinklers that had broken on top of all that. She can’t go running around in the water like she wants to, because her Crohn’s is badly playing up and Harvey has instructed her to rest before surgery in a month or so. 

‘Yeah. Next week,’ Sam replies monotonously, kicking his shoes away from him. ‘I’m glad he’s all right. I’m lucky he’s even coming back.’ 

‘Not to sound irreverent, but you don’t sound thrilled.’ 

Sam wriggles uncomfortably. ‘I am. I’m glad he’s coming home. But I don’t know how I feel about living with him again. It’s been three whole years… I don’t know if things will have changed. Or maybe they’ll have gotten worse.’ 

Sabrina sighs and reaches for his hand. ‘It’ll work itself out. Your poor mom, though. How’s she gonna deal with it? I mean, if he’s… worse?’ 

‘I don’t know,’ Sam says, squeezing her hand gratefully. ‘I mean, Jack was okay, right?’ 

‘Yeah. I mean, he was really sad for a while, but he was never nasty or anything.’ She looks over at him and smiles encouragingly. ‘Your dad loves you. He misses you so much. He’s going to be so happy to be home with you guys. And I’ll finally get to meet him!’ 

Sam can’t help but smile too. He’s proud of Sabrina, prouder than anything else in his life, and he can’t wait to show off his relationship to his father, who always said he’d never amount to anything. It’s his chance to finally prove that he is going somewhere in life and that things will work out for him, even if they hadn’t before. But this time, he tells himself, this time it will fucking work. 

*** 

The whole walk to the railway station, Sam thinks of Sabrina. He thinks about all the small things that make her the perfect person, and why he wants to be part of her family, like the fact that she screws her nose up when she’s embarrassed, that she eats really daintily, that she didn’t mind about him being a virgin. It’s nerve-wracking, holding Vincent’s hand, following their mother through town, and everyone just sort of nodding at them as if they already know what’s happening. He’s wearing his smart coat and not his ratty old hoodie, because Jodi wanted them to look smart. Vincent isn’t wearing his everyday muddy trainers, but the shiny lace up shoes that are usually reserved for weddings and funerals. He looks uncomfortable in them, and Jodi keeps telling him off for scuffing them. Jodi herself is wearing a dress, which is almost unheard of these days, and the whole thing just feels fake and weird and Sam wants to turn around and go straight back home. 

Jodi has a very tight smile on her face and Vincent is still kicking at the ground as the train pulls into the station, and Sam just wants to run as far as he can in the opposite direction. 

Something in him stirs when the train doors slide open and Kent jumps out, still wearing his fatigues, his bag slung over his shoulder. Jodi and Vincent go running, and Sam finds himself running too, but there’s something that he can’t explain, something he can’t quite pinpoint, but all knows is that it makes him feel guilty as hell. 

*** 

Sam rubs his face, pushing his messy hair back. ‘I’m sorry, Jack. I had no right to turn up like this. Especially when Peach is sick.’ 

Jack shakes his head furiously. ‘Don’t be silly, kid. You belong here with us, no matter what you say. I know its early days, but… well, I hope you stick around for a long time.’ 

Sam doesn’t know what to say straight away. It is the highest compliment which Jack is capable of, and he has no idea how to respond to that. He has been trusted with the most precious thing to this man, this man who doesn’t seem to live for much else, and his mouth feels dry. He’s never been believed in like this, and there’s no way he can really thank Jack for that. 

He doesn’t need to say anything. Jack smiles and reaches for his tea. ‘You make her happy, blondie. That’s all I can ask for. She never really got to have boyfriends and stuff back home because she was looking after Dad, so I’m glad she can now. It puts my mind at ease a little bit.’ He sips, his breathing even for the first time in a while. ‘And I’m sorry about the way you feel about your dad, kid.’ 

Sam shrugged. ‘He’s always been like that. I felt so selfish when I said that I didn’t want him to come home, because obviously so many dads don’t come back from war, but he’s just – he’s just unbearable to be around. I know you struggled with the same shit, man, but at least it never made you mean, right?’ 

Jack smiles again, but he looks a little sad. ‘I’d like to think so.’ 

The blond male rests his elbows on the table and his chin on his hands. ‘I wish I could bake or something. Then I could make something for Peach when she’s better.’ He snorts and rolls his eyes. ‘I’ve never been good at anything like that.’ 

‘Neither have I. I can’t cook or anything that’s helpful in the house, which is why Peach does it all.’ He sips again and sits back in his chair. He’s always felt bad for Sabrina, being the only one who could ever do things like cleaning and cooking, but it wasn’t like he hadn’t tried. ‘She banned me from using her kitchen stuff.’ He grins and nods towards the copper pans which hang in a neat row above the cooker. ‘All her pans and things are expensive, so I have to get my own cheap shit if I want to attempt to make anything edible that isn’t toast or cereal.’ 

‘Mom never taught me so I just don’t know how.’ Sam scowls and then sighs. ‘Poor Mom. Maybe I could write Sabrina a song or something. Nah, that’s a bit cringe, isn’t it? Oh, who knows. I’ll think of something.’ 

Jack laughs and rubs the back of his neck. ‘I’m glad you’re serious about her, then.’ 

‘Yeah. I guess I am. It really feels like… we belong together. Like she’s something I’ve been missing for a long time.’ Sam reaches for his tea, which is lukewarm now. Without thinking, he says, ‘I really love your sister.’ 

Before he can open his mouth again to correct himself, there is the sound of bare feet padding along the kitchen tiles. Sabrina stands in the doorway in her big sleep t-shirt, rubbing her eyes. 

‘I just want some water,’ she says, making her way over to the sink. 

Sam wants to die right there and then. 

She doesn’t say anything else, but she doesn’t make eye contact with him either. She probably didn’t hear anything, he tells himself, as his heart rate rapidly increases. Maybe she’s just too sick to really speak properly. She looks sick, her face pale and almost green, dark shadows under her eyes. He hates it when she’s unwell, because he knows she’s in pain but she’ll never ask for any help; she’ll just grit her teeth and bear it and he wants to make her feel better but he physically can’t, and he hates it more than anything. 

‘How are you feeling?’ he asks her, his voice wobbling slightly. Jack is looking down at his accounts book which seems awfully fascinating all of a sudden. 

‘Still quite shit,’ she replies, her back to him as she gulps water. ‘I just can’t sleep properly. Everything’s uncomfortable and it hurts.’ 

‘Harvey told you to rest before this surgery, Peach,’ her brother tells her impatiently. ‘And guess what, this morning I see you dragging those fucking kegs about. I told you me and Electra can handle the farm, and Blondie and Alexander can help out if they have to.’ 

Sabrina snorts. ‘There’s no way in hell I trust any of you to make artisan goods, thank you very much.’ 

‘Then you can make them when you’re better.’ 

‘I’m not due for surgery for another four weeks, Jack. And then after that I’ll have to be on bed rest for over a month, probably six weeks, according to Harvey. It’s going to bring our profits down a bit.’ 

‘It’s all right, we’ve got savings to tide us over,’ Jack tells her, taking off his glasses and rubbing the bridge of his nose. ‘I’ve been looking at the accounts. We’re doing okay.’ 

Sabrina finishes the glass of water. ‘Okay. If you say so.’ 

She puts the empty glass in the sink and ruffles Sam’s hair before she heads back to her bedroom. Sam watches her go, his stomach still practically in his throat. Why the hell did he have to say that? Why did he have to use that specific word? What was wrong with him? Was it bad that he meant it, and that he still meant it? 

*** 

He felt terrible for not spending the night at home the first night Kent was home, but he’d deal with Jodi’s wrath later. He wanted to be here now, the place he felt safe, lying next to Sabrina and breathing in the smell of fresh sheets and her apple shampoo, her long hair tickling his face. However, he had a feeling that if she wasn’t asleep, a very awkward conversation was to follow. 

He was right. 

He climbed into bed, and Sabrina was still and breathing evenly, so hopefully she was asleep and they could just talk about it later. But no. He would never be that lucky. She turns over in bed to face him. 

‘Did you say you loved me earlier?’ 

She doesn’t sound annoyed or freaked out, just very disbelieving. Well, there was no point lying about it. He just had to bite the bullet and say it out loud. It was about time, anyway. 

‘Yeah, I did.’ 

‘Did you mean it?’ 

‘Yeah. And look, you don’t have to say it back or anything, it’s not-’ 

‘Why, though?’ she questions, dark eyebrows knitting together. ‘Why me?’ 

‘How are you even asking me that question? You know why.’ 

Sam knows that he has never loved her more in those small, insignificant moments that they share, when he wakes up first and she’s still asleep in her big t-shirts, lips slightly parted as she breathes evenly, and he just lies there and watches her through half-closed eyes for a little while before turning over and going back to sleep. Or when she’s cooking breakfast, her silk dressing gown tied tightly round her waist, her hair pinned up on top of her head as she yawns and pokes at the bacon in the pan with the spatula. He loves her when she is collecting eggs from the hens, throwing corn on the ground as they peck and chirp round her feet, and she’s dressed in a boiler suit and straw hat, often splattered in mud. 

‘No, I don’t.’ 

‘Well, I can’t answer that. I don’t know why. I just do,’ he tells her, rolling over to face her. ‘It’s just the way things are.’ 

He loves her when she’s washing the dishes after dinner, when she’s watching the TV in the evening, her damp hair dripping water onto the back of her dressing gown. She’s an angel in disguise, a princess clad in denim and dirt, Sam’s reason for living. He doesn’t know how to explain it to her, but he just knows. Sabrina grins at him and he knows that it’s all going to be okay now, now that the initial shock has passed. 

She snuggles into him and mumbles, ‘Yeah. Well. I love you too. Idiot.’ 

*** 

They kissed, holding on to each other tight, and Sam weakened almost immediately. He let her work at his clothes and slide her hands over his bare shoulders, though he shivered slightly, straining his neck. He seemed to scrabble at her big sleep shirt like a blind man, trying to pull it over her head but getting her hair caught in the process, though she supposed it was very dark. In the end, though, it was a lot easier than he thought it would be, really. 

‘I can’t believe this is happening right now,’ he muttered as he finally managed to slide Sabrina’s t-shirt off over her shoulders. Now it was her turn to shiver because she’d not taken her clothes off in front of anyone for a long time. She’d never liked the way she looked – too short, stocky, small breasts, dark tangled hair. She was suddenly very glad that it was dark in the room. ‘I really hope your brother doesn’t hear us because I don’t fancy facing his eternal wrath.’ 

‘Shh, don’t mention my brother, you idiot,’ Sabrina whispered crossly, and he chuckled and pressed his lips to her bare shoulder. ‘Besides, he’s a feminist.’ 

Sabrina squirmed under his touch, the whole experience foreign. She’d slept with boys before, sure – but it felt different this time. Before, she’d just yearned for someone to want her, for someone not to be completely repulsed by her, but it had never worked out. He kissed her and she kissed him back with such fervour than she had before, and they lay there kissing and kissing with the moon and stars above them and the sheets rustling quietly, and it felt like the nicest thing in the world, her hands running along his strong arms, twisting in his yellow hair, his fingers resting on the small of her back. More importantly, it felt right, like even if it was a little awkward when he lay on her hair or she bumped noses with him, she felt like she was meant to be here with Sam at this exact moment, and only with Sam. She could never imagine doing this with anyone else again. 

It’s easier than she expected, and not at all like those horrid past experiences she’d had before. She’s built herself up for his moment, and she’s afraid that his expectations will be far too high, but she just has to hope she’s enough for him. Sam is all blond curls and blue eyes and wiry muscle, strong and yet delicate at the same time. Tight calves and legs lifting. Fingers clenching and hair sticking up in all directions. He presses his forehead against hers and she knows – Sam was right. They belong together. They fit together like a jigsaw puzzle, slotting together as if it was just supposed to happen. As if they were inevitable. She’d never believed in stuff like that, like fate or destiny, but maybe Sam did. Maybe she did believe it. Maybe some things really are meant to be.


	18. Kent (Sam)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to upload again, life's been a bit crazy. This is the first time Sabrina meets Kent, and I'm pretty happy with it <3 if you're still here, you're amazing xoxo

Sabrina turned up at 1 Willow Lane at five minutes to six. She didn’t want to be late by any means, but she also didn’t want to be too early. Sam made sure to be the one to open the door because he didn’t want Kent to embarrass him too early on and had to do a bit of a double take. She looked so different to normal, dressed in a pink dress, denim jacket and the same white kitten heels she wore to the Flower Dance, her hair neatly brushed and hanging down her back, fringe trimmed. She was even wearing false eyelashes. 

‘Um… hi?’ she gave him jazz hands, looking as if she didn’t understand why he was staring at her. ‘Are you okay?’ 

‘Er – yeah, of course I am!’ he reached out to hug her. ‘You look really pretty, by the way.’ 

‘Thank you – though you seem surprised.’ She raised her dark eyebrows, but she laughed and he took her hand as they walked into the dining room. His hand was a little more sweaty than usual and he was clinging on tight. She liked their dining room and the cosy feel – the wooden furniture, the potted plants, the fact that Jodi always laid out placemats and coasters, and Vincent had to set the table. 

Kent, essentially, looked like an older, rougher version of Sam. He was very tall and broad-shouldered, with dirty-blond hair and a military jacket. His eyes were green – Sam’s bright blue eyes were from Jodi – and as soon as Sabrina looked at him, there was something in him that she recognised. It was the same look that Jack had sometimes, the look of a man who had seen too much, a man that didn’t know where his place in the world was. 

He cracked a smile, a crooked smile that was alarmingly reminiscent of his son’s, and he held out his hand. ‘Hello, Sabrina. My name’s Kent. I’m Sam and Vincent’s father.’ 

Sabrina smiled as brightly as she could. She already felt sorry for him. ‘Hello, Mr Miller. It’s nice to finally meet you. I’m Sabrina Montgomery.’ 

He chuckled, embarrassed. He even rubbed the back of his neck like Sam did. ‘It’s okay, you can call me Kent. I met your brother, the big lad, already. I think he came to drop off some vegetables and he seemed pretty surprised to see me here.’ 

Sabrina stood with her hands behind her back, trying not to rock forward too hard on the balls of her feet. ‘Um, Jack likes to drop stuff off to Mrs Miller here sometimes. Just to help her out.’ 

‘Well, it’s very good value, whatever the price is. Your brother’s a good gardener. Better than buying overpriced shit off that fucking Pierre, anyway.’ He blinked and chuckled lightly. ‘Sorry, Sabrina. Excuse my French. My language has gotten so bad since I went away.’ 

‘It’s all right,’ she said cheerfully, Sam thankfully not adding the fact that all three Montgomery siblings had mouths like sailors. She also didn’t mention that Jack never charged Jodi for the vegetables he brought her, because she didn’t want to hurt his pride. Vincent came careering into the room, a crayon in one hand and toy fire engine in the other. He went straight into Sabrina like a bullet, hugging her and jumping up and down. His father winced at the loud noise, his hands curling into fists. 

‘Sabrina, Sabrina, Sabrina!’ he yelled, and Sam had to practically lift him off her, even though she loved it when Vincent was excited to see her. She kissed him on the nose and he giggled, rubbing his nose and accidentally almost poking himself in the eye with the red crayon. 

Jodi came out into the dining room from the kitchen, a white apron tied round her waist. As soon as she saw Sabrina, her eyes lit up. 

‘Hello, dear! You’ve met my husband Kent, yes? Vincent, please stop running around like that, you know how Daddy doesn’t like loud noise.’ 

‘Yes, we’ve met,’ she replied, nodding. Kent smiled vaguely, but he didn’t really look anybody in the eye. 

‘And how are you? How are your brother and sister?’ 

‘They’re all right. Electra is still annoying, but what’s new, I suppose. Do you want any help in the kitchen?’ 

‘No, no, dear. You sit down at the table – the food will be out in just a tick.’ 

Jodi went bustling back into the kitchen. Sabrina took her usual seat at the table, and Sam sat beside her. Vincent clambered up into his chair, and the seat at the head of the table was finally filled. Jodi served her famous fish casserole and took her own seat. 

‘I’m so glad you can see our family complete, Sabrina,’ Jodi said, smiling. ‘I’m glad you’re home, Kent.’ 

Kent nodded and said, ‘And I am, too,’ but when he smiled, his eyes didn’t light up. It was as if his face was a mask and his eyes were the only real part. Sam squeezed Sabrina’s hand under the table, but his jaw was tense. Perhaps he wasn’t happy about his father being home after all. 

‘So, Sabrina, where do your family live?’ Kent asked, and there was a slight pause. Clearly Jodi or Sam hadn’t told Kent that much about her. 

‘Oh, well, in the farmhouse, I suppose,’ Sabrina replied, because there was no reason for it to be awkward. ‘My brother and sister. My dad passed away a little while ago.’ 

Kent’s face fell. He looked guilty. She wished he wouldn’t. ‘Oh dear. I’m sorry, Sabrina. I didn’t mean to ask such a difficult question.’ 

‘It’s fine, Mr Miller. I mean, Kent. It’s not difficult – it’s just the truth.’ She shrugged and smiled, spooning fish casserole into her mouth. Sam marvelled at the way she ate so delicately when she wanted to, especially for a rough farmer girl. 

‘Still,’ Kent hadn’t cheered up. ‘It is a great tragedy to lose one’s parents so young.’ 

Sabrina just smiled again. Sam wasn’t sure how she did it. ‘My dad was very loved. I don’t think he had any regrets. And anyway, I have my brother and sister, and Sam. I’m still very lucky to have my family, even if it’s not a very ordinary one.’ 

Kent nodded and he looked impressed. Sam thanked Yoba in his head for the fact that Sabrina was, despite being so outspoken, very good with people – especially parents. 

‘I’m glad you’ve been here for Sam. You seem to be a good influence on him.’ 

‘Yeah, she’s great,’ Sam exclaimed, reaching over and squeezing her hand again. ‘She’s like my guardian angel.’ 

Sabrina felt herself go a little pink in the face. Sam, being Sam, was prone to just bursting out with something very affectionate at random, and while she had no problem with it all, she didn’t know how his parents were about those things. Jodi just smiled at them, happy to see Sam so happy, and even Kent cracked a little grin. 

‘Sabrina’s cool,’ Vincent cut in. ‘She plays with me all the time. She did my hair for the Flower Dance.’ 

Sabrina did love Vincent. He was just the sweetest kid and it felt good to have a kid love you that much, especially since it could be hard to get kids’ acceptance at the best of times. 

‘What did you do before coming to Pelican Town?’ he asked, and Jodi smiled at her encouragingly. 

‘Oh, well, I finished school and then I went to work for Joja Mart, but not actually in the supermarket like Sam does. I was one of their engineers. It was pretty rubbish.’ 

Kent stared at her, fork halfway to his mouth. ‘Engineer?’ 

‘Yeah. I was going to go to college and get a proper degree and all, but… just money, really. I was still pretty good, I just wanted to be able to get a better job than that. I only stuck at it because we had to pay some medical bills. I can still fix stuff better than Jack though.’ She grinned. It was probably the thing she was most proud of, being a woman in a man’s world. 

‘That’s impressive. Did you not find it difficult, because of…’ Kent paused delicately and Sam rolled his eyes. 

‘Girls can be engineers, Dad.’ 

‘Yes, Samson, I know that. I just wondered if Sabrina ever had any trouble because of it.’ 

Sabrina laughed and shook her head. ‘Sometimes. I was the only girl in the team, but I was small so I could get into the spaces the boys couldn’t. A lot of those guys became good friends of mine, actually, and I was good at the work because it was just fixing and fitting stuff in the different supermarkets. It was just the bosses and stuff that made it lousy.’ 

The rest of the dinner went by fairly smoothly. Jodi did her level best to embarrass Sam with childhood stories, which Sabrina loyally counteracted with just as embarrassing stories of her own childhood. It was a good thing that she didn’t get too embarrassed too easily. 

Sabrina started to help clear the table and Jodi stopped her. 

‘Oh, no, honey. This is the boys’ job now. You can sit out here and entertain Kent for a bit. He’s only had the two kids to drive him crazy, so now he can make some nice intelligent conversation for a change.’ Sam scowled comically and she laughed. ‘I’m only joking, Sam, sweetie.’ 

Sabrina sat down next to Vincent and played with Lego with him for a little while, knowing that she was trying to avoid making conversation with Kent. She didn’t know what to say. Jack’s PTSD from his military past was usually quite an open topic at home, because the only person he’d ever really had to talk to about those things was his sisters, but it seemed to be completely different in Sam’s house. 

Sam and Kent both sat on armchairs. 

‘Sabrina’s super smart, Dad. She’s so good at so many different things.’ It was clear to Kent that his son was proud of his girlfriend – proud that he’d managed to get a girlfriend for starters, and also that he’d gotten her in particular. He puffed his chest out and put his arm round her. His son had changed a lot from the pictures Jodi had sent him six months ago – he wasn’t so skinny now, but his arms were taut with muscle and he looked stronger and healthier. 

‘Well, I’d be better if I’d gone to college,’ Sabrina laughed, crashing her fire engine into Vincent’s truck. ‘Oops. I think you might need the ambulance, Vince. And another fire engine. Bit of a mess, this.’ 

Vincent started hooting with laughter and making all the toy vehicles crash, creating a huge pile-up. Sabrina throws her hands up in mock outrage. 

‘Well, there we go, Vince. You’ve crashed the ambulance. It’s over.’ 

Jodi calls Vincent into the kitchen and Sam goes with him, leaving Sabrina on her knees on the carpet holding a toy car and Kent sitting in the armchair. 

‘So, you’ve been here a while now. Your farm must be doing very well,’ Kent said politely, as an attempt to make conversation. 

‘Yes, it’s doing well. Mostly thanks to my brother, to be honest. He’s the manpower. He’s a military man too,’ she added, and then cringed inside. She wished she hadn’t said it, but if Kent was offended, his face didn’t show it. ‘I mean – I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up. I know you only just got home. It’s just such an open topic in my house, I didn’t think.’ 

Kent offers her a tight smile. ‘It’s all right. I… I’ve been away a long time. I don’t know if I will ever get used to being back home.’ 

Sabrina got up and dusted herself off, sitting back down on an armchair. ‘I’m sure you will. My brother managed to get back on his feet – well, he’s getting there. It’s not been perfect since he’s come back, but he’s alive. That’s enough for us, anyway.’ 

Kent smiles again, and he looks so tired. ‘It’s not so bad. I’m lucky to have returned home to my family. It’s just difficult to settle into a routine now I’m home. I’m used to have a lot more structure in my day, you see. But things haven’t changed much since I’ve been home.’ He paused and nodded to her in a kind way. ‘Except that you’re here, of course. And your brother and sister. Sam says you all seem very close.’ 

‘Yeah, we’re very close.’ She thinks it’s a good idea to not mention the fact that her sister is an actual drug addict and it’s been getting completely out of hand recently. ‘We’re each other’s only family now.’ 

Sabrina’s pre-conceived idea of Kent was thrown to the wind. She’d assumed he’d be like Jack, loud and outgoing and the life and soul of the party, dashing around grinning with a booming voice and footsteps that made earthquakes when he walked, but he was nothing like that at all. She felt bad for being presumptuous, because for such a big man he was strangely silent. He practically tiptoed around the house, shoulders hunched over and eyes cast down to the floor. Even his interactions with the family were weirdly quiet – he only ever really touched Jodi on the shoulder or back very lightly, and when Vincent had sat on his lap after dinner he seemed almost afraid of holding him. He and Sam barely made any physical contact. 

Kent shook her hand again before they left. ‘I’m glad I finally got to meet you, Sabrina. I appreciate you being there for my sons while I was away.’ 

‘It was nice to meet you too Mr Miller – I mean, Kent. I’ll be round again soon.’ 

‘Thank you so much for coming over, dear,’ Jodi told her, squeezing her hands before she left. 

Sabrina wanted to cling on a little longer, but she let go when Jodi did. Even if there were tensions in this family, they were still a family and as nice and normal as they could possibly be whilst living somewhere like Pelican Town. At least there was still that sparkle of youth in Sam, that big grin and those bright eyes – she felt as if she’d seen too much in the last few years to really be a teenager again, even if Jack wanted so badly to give her that time that she’d lost. But it was lost, and that was okay. 

‘You really have to see us more often, dear. Vincent adores you, and you’re always putting Sam up at the farmhouse. It’s the least we can do,’ says Jodi warmly as they say their goodbyes and Sam takes her hand. She wonders if Jodi sometimes resents her for taking her son away from her, but Sabrina can’t help but feel rather unapologetic about him. _I’m sorry,_ she says in her head as they walk towards the forest. _I’m sorry, but I need him. He’s the only chance I’ve got for a normal life._

‘Thanks for meeting my dad, Peach. Even if it was a bit awkward,’ Sam admits, their hands swinging together. ‘You’re the first girl I’ve ever brought home, so I don’t think he really knows how to act. He’s not very good at anything like that, really.’ 

‘No, it was fine. My dad would have been super awkward too. I wish you could have met him, but such is life,’ Sabrina replied, wondering what Edward would have thought of Sam. When he’d first passed away, she used to sometimes think she heard him talking to her inside her head, but that didn’t happen so much anymore. Maybe because she didn’t need it now. Her father wouldn’t have to worry now, because things looked like they might turn out all right after all.


	19. Lonely Hours (Sam)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who was patiently waiting for this update - I'm sorry for taking so long! I also hope that you're all doing well, and I can't believe some of you are actually excited for updates! <3  
> A quick warning here - this chapter does contain mentions of overdosing and suicide, so discretion is advised. It doesn't go into too much detail, but I have been affected by these issues, so I do understand if you don't want to read.  
> Thank you for reading!  
> xoxoxo

‘Is he staying round again?’ Electra’s voice sounded from the sofa. ‘It’s not a hotel, you know.’ 

Sabrina slammed the fridge door shut and turned to Sam, shoving the box of leftover cookies into his hands. ‘Give me a second.’ 

Sam wished so hard, hoped so hard, that it wouldn’t turn into another argument. It was hard when it did, because then Sabrina would be upset and Electra would try even harder to get in between them, and it all spiralled out of control and he had no idea how to handle such a crazy situation. But as he watched Sabrina storm out of the kitchen and into the living room, hands balled into fists, he knew that it was probably going to get worse. 

‘What’s wrong with Sam staying over?’ he heard her ask. 

‘Because it’s not a hotel, dumbass. I just said that.’ 

‘But it’s a hotel for Penny? No offence, Penny – but what makes her so different? How come Penny and Alex can stay over and Sam can’t? Either you tell me what the issue is or you stay the hell out of my way, Electra, I mean it.’ 

There was the sound of someone standing up and Penny’s voice begging, ‘Electra, don’t.’ 

‘What? I’m sick of you just having everything you want all the time – you’re a fucking kid, Sabrina, and while Dad might have pandered to you, and while Jack might pander to you-’ 

‘Excuse me? In case you hadn’t noticed, I actually never got to do anything I wanted to do. But you went running off, shagging and drinking and fucking snorting-’

‘Don’t say that in front of Penny!’ Electra yelled. 

‘She might as well know the real you, which is generally an arsehole! You’ve never been there for me, or Jack, or Dad! When Dad was dying, you left me! You left me all alone with him, and you didn’t have to see how awful he looked, all pale and skinny and fucking dying, so you can take that, you selfish cow, and remember that when you’re out getting drunk and being up yourself. You didn’t just leave me, you left Dad!’ 

There was a long silence, and then Sam ran around the corner as he heard sobbing. Sabrina stood there, tea towel hanging from her hand, Penny looked desperate, and Electra looked shocked. He’d never seen Electra shocked. It sounded like the beginning of an all-out big Montgomery barney. Jack was standing outside his bedroom door, hair sticking up at all angles, clearly having been woken up from a nap. Sabrina wrapped her arms round her middle, the cramps beginning to worsen from the yelling. 

‘I was so lost without you, Electra. You were meant to look after me. Jack was at war, and Dad was dying, and all I wanted was to be able to go to college and be a fucking engineer, okay? And now look at us – Jack’s screaming himself hoarse in the middle of the night, you’re out fighting and getting pissed and high all the time, and I – I don’t know, all right? Can’t I just at least have this one thing?’ 

‘You know I… I don’t like strangers,’ Electra whispered. ‘Especially guys.’ 

‘Yes, but am I going to have to put my whole life on hold forever while you refuse to get any help for your issues?’ 

‘I just wanted Dad to love me the same as he loved you, all right? I was fed up of you always being the favourite!’ Electra yells. 

‘For fuck’s sake, not this again,’ Jack groaned, covering his face with his hands. ‘Don’t test me today, Electra, I swear I’m not in the goddamn mood.’ The situation with Alex was escalating and he was at his limit. ‘Why do you have to start these pointless fucking arguments for no reason? It’s really not the time.’ 

‘Don’t get involved,’ Electra snaps, turning back to her sister and reaching to grab her, but Jack manages to get in the middle of them and holds her off. ‘Jack!’ 

‘She’s fucking sick, Electra! She’s about to go into surgery!’ 

‘Oh, right, yeah, poor Titch, going in to have an elective surgery!’ 

‘I have had enough of this,’ Jack thundered, kicking the wall so angrily that there was a chip in the plaster. Everyone jumped, and Sam clung to Sabrina’s hand so hard that his nails made little crescent-shaped indents in her skin. ‘Electra, if you really are that intent on breaking the family apart, then you can leave before you do. I can’t cope with this.’ 

There was a long silence. Both sisters stared at their brother. Sabrina knew that Electra was annoying and she could be horrible sometimes, but would Jack really throw her out? She couldn’t imagine life without her walking hurricane of a sister, her black eyeliners on the bathroom windowsill, her tobacco pouches on the kitchen counter, her black Doc Martens by the back door, as battered and bruised as Electra herself. She’d always been ridiculously obsessed with those shoes and she refused to throw them away – she just had them repaired over and over until the shoe smith couldn’t repair them anymore, so she superglued the flapping soles back on and replaced the laces. They’d been a present from Dad on her twenty-first birthday and they were the one thing that she’d ever been soppy and sentimental about. 

‘You’re going to kick me out?’ Electra asked quietly. 

‘Electra…’ Jack took a deep breath and looked as if he regretted what he’d said very much, but there was no going back from that now, so he powered forward. ‘Electra, I love you very much, and Peach does too. We love you more than our own lives, but this has to stop. We all have our demons, but yours are starting to become ours and it is exhausting. You can’t treat people like this, especially not your kid sister.’ 

Sabrina didn’t even wait to hear her sister answer. She’d finally said it – she’d finally told her that it had hurt, that it had really hurt when Electra had left her in the beginning. She wasn’t even that angry about the whole thing anymore, just upset, and now she’d said it out loud and Electra could think about it and maybe then she’d apologise and it would all be all right, because she had never actually apologised, no matter how often they argued about it. She couldn’t bear to witness the rest of the conversation between them, because it was too painful. This couldn’t be the way their family fell apart.

‘Come on,’ Sam’s girlfriend said grimly, taking hold of his arm and pulling him towards the door. ‘Let’s just go.’ 

‘Go where?’ 

‘I don’t care. Anywhere but here. Please.’ 

As soon as they’d gotten down the steps of the farmhouse and a good enough distance away, Sam turned around and put his arms around her. She was shaking. She suddenly felt so tiny and vulnerable in his arms, much smaller and weaker than he was. 

‘It’ll be okay,’ he heard himself saying, ‘You can stay with me, if you like.’ 

Sabrina wiped her eyes, looking up momentarily. ‘But your mom doesn’t let you have girls round.’ 

‘Yeah, but we’ll explain. She’ll be fine.’ 

Truthfully, he wasn’t sure if Jodi would allow it, but he had to try. He would cross that bridge when they came to it, and if his mom wasn’t happy about it then he’d sleep on the goddamn sofa if he had to. 

‘I don’t want to make Jodi mad. She’s been so nice to me.’ 

‘She won’t be mad. I promise. Look, I said I’d look after you, didn’t I?’ 

Sabrina finally put her arms round his waist and he patted her hair, and then they walked hand-in-hand through the dark forest and to the edge of town. They could hear music and noise coming from the saloon, and Sabrina wondered about going to Jack – but then, she decided that he had enough stress in his life without having to deal with the petty squabbles of his sisters full-time. Sam knocked on the door of his house, waiting. Thankfully the light in his mother’s bedroom was still on. 

Jodi answered the door in a long pink dressing gown and her hair running down her back. She looked surprised to see them, raking a hand self-consciously through her hair. 

‘Sam! What are you doing back so late? I thought you were staying at the farm.’ 

Sam swallowed hard but stood up straight and looked her in the eye. ‘I was. But some stuff came up, and… is it okay if Sabrina stays over tonight, Mom?’ 

Jodi looked a little suspicious, not that Sam blamed her. Sabrina was his first girlfriend, after all. ‘Look, you know the rules, Sam…’ 

‘Yes, but Mom, some really serious-’

Sabrina sniffed and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. ‘It’s all right, I’ll just go back home. It was only an argument with my sister. Sorry to have bothered you, Jodi – I mean, Mrs Miller.’ 

Jodi looked at Sabrina’s tearstained face and immediately softened. She leaned forward and cupped the girl’s face with her hand, looking concerned, but she smiled. ‘Don’t be silly, dear. I didn’t realise it was so serious. Of course you can stay over.’ 

The gesture was so motherly that Sabrina almost burst out crying again. She watched Jodi make up the couch so that Sam could sleep there, bustling around in her pink dressing gown and not mentioning for a second the inconvenience of the entire situation. She tried to insist against Sam giving her his bed, but she didn’t really have the energy to argue properly. The sheets were coarser than the ones at home, and smelled like washing powder. She’d expected them to smell a little more like him – like sugar and cinnamon and the unfortunately cliché Lynx Africa, but then again, Sam barely ever slept in his parents’ home anymore. 

Sabrina took a moment in the bathroom to change into some of Sam’s pyjamas, to brush her teeth with a borrowed toothbrush and to wash her face. She stared at herself in the mirror. How had it come to this? How had the family fallen apart so easily? What would Dad think if he could see them now, fighting and screaming at each other over the smallest things? 

‘Sabrina, dear, are you all right?’ Jodi knocked on the door. ‘I just need to get my moisturiser.’ 

She wiped her eyes quickly before Jodi came in, looking worriedly at her red eyes and pale complexion. ‘You don’t look well, dear. I don’t want to pry, but is…’ Jodi paused delicately and fiddled with the end of her braid. ‘Is everything all right at home?’ 

Sabrina swallowed. There it was – all that grief, that sadness, threatening to bubble up and spill over. She’d kept it all locked away for so long that it was second nature to just push it away from her, but after that evening it was pushing back at her, the thought of her father turning in his grave practically squeezing her at her chest, stabbing at her heart. 

‘I just – I just really miss my dad,’ she said, beginning to cry. Jodi looked despairing, stepping forward and putting her arms round her. Sabrina clung to her, her washing-powder-and-perfume mother smell and her old towelling dressing gown enough to console her for the moment. Kent came out of the bedroom in plaid pyjamas, yawning, his dirty-blond hair messy and his eyes barely open. He stood stock still at the sight in front of him, clearing his throat and waking up properly. 

‘Jodi? Sabrina? What’s going on?’ 

Sabrina pulled away from Jodi a little, standing up straight and rubbing her eyes fiercely, looking embarrassed. ‘Nothing, sir.’ 

Jodi kept her arm round the girl protectively, shaking her head. ‘It’s that sister of yours, isn’t it? Sabrina is staying in Sam’s bed tonight, Kent – he’ll be on the couch. It’s a long story, but it’s late and I think we’ll be able to talk about it properly in the morning when we’ve all had some good sleep.’ 

Kent seems to agree, sloping off back into the bedroom and shutting the door behind him. Sabrina rubs her eyes again, wanting to pull her hair out. That guilt twists in her stomach, the guilt from waking up practically everyone in this goddamn household and inconveniencing this poor mother who seems stretched so thin as it is. 

Sabrina curls up on the sofa with Sam before going to bed, her arms round his neck and her face warm against his neck. He hugs her tight, cursing his sister-in-law in his head. He knows it’s not nice to dislike your girlfriend’s family, but he can’t really help it this time. Sabrina is tired, too tired when you’re not even twenty-one years old, not when you’re this young and tiny and good. 

‘I’m sorry about what happened. Maybe I should stay away from the farmhouse for a bit.’

‘No, don’t be silly. I’m not letting Electra bully me anymore.’ 

There’s a pause. ‘I don’t want to be rude, but Electra is kind of an asshole, Peach.’ 

Sabrina sighed and snuggled closer to him. ‘Look, something happened to Electra when we were kids, and it did fuck her up big time. There’s a reason why she always goes for girls over guys, even though she likes both – there’s a reason why she didn’t like you being around in the house when my brother wasn’t there.’ 

‘What happened?’ Sam whispers, his mouth so close to her ear his breath tickles. ‘I mean, you don’t have to tell me, if she wouldn’t want you to.’ 

‘She wouldn’t. But it might help you kind of understand it. Basically, when our mum left our dad, he was really struggling to work full-time and also look after us – you know, he was a police officer so he was working crazy hours and shit, so he got this live-in au pair to help with looking after us and everything.’ She sniffed and curled up in a tight ball, her face pressed against his shoulder so her words were a little muffled and he had to strain his ears to hear her properly. ‘It was a guy because there wasn’t a girl who could move in with such short notice and – shit, the way that Electra told it, this guy was like her first love. But it took her ages to actually realise that it was, y’know, abuse. She was like, fourteen.’ 

Sam’s mind does a backflip. Some guy took advantage of Electra when she was a kid? Fourteen seems practically kindergarten to him now, even though back when he was fourteen he probably thought he knew everything. But it makes sense now – Electra’s seemingly strong hatred of men, any man that attempted to get close to the Montgomery girls that wasn’t their brother. 

‘Then my brother caught them together and beat the guy so bad he had to go to hospital. My dad went fucking crazy and basically ended up going part-time at work and claiming money on the state so he could keep an eye on us all. He was the one who hired the dude so he blamed himself, and he never got over it. He could never look Electra in the eye again. She took it as him avoiding her, but really he could just never forgive himself.’ Sabrina sniffed again, shifting her face slightly. ‘When he was dying, really dying, he begged me to tell her he was sorry. I haven’t gotten round to it yet, I just… she’s really fragile and I don’t know how.’ 

It seemed to become more and more impossible by the second. Sabrina’s family seemed to be an intricate web of secrets and trauma, tragedy and yet the strongest love. It made no sense, but he could respect it. They all protected each other, and he could never fault any of them for that. He slid his arms round her and held her very tightly. He knew now that he must look after Sabrina too – she was his responsibility now. Jack had trusted him with his precious sister, and it was the greatest honour that he would ever be given. 

*** 

Sabrina is woken by Sam knocking on the door of the bedroom. He closes the door behind him, smiling at her, his blond hair still unkempt from sleep. 

‘Hey, Peach. We all had a bit of a lie in this morning, but Mom just wondered if you wanted pancakes.’ 

Sabrina nods and sits up, pulling her hair into a messy ponytail and slipping her arms into Sam’s blue dressing gown with the plaid lining, tying the cord tightly round her waist and taking a minute to appreciate Sam and the sunshine and warmth that seems to radiate from him. She hugs him forcefully round the waist, and while he is surprised, he doesn’t seem to mind in the least. He rests his cheek against her hair for a moment, taking a second to hold her. At last, the smell of pancakes is too much for them to resist, and they make their way to the kitchen holding hands. 

It’s so nice and calm and inviting, the whole family sitting round the table in their pyjamas, even Vincent quiet for a little while as he ‘feeds’ his teddy pancake and syrup, with the teddy becoming increasingly stickier throughout breakfast. Jodi loads everyone’s plates high and Sabrina manages to find the appetite to eat, having fun with all the different toppings – Jodi has laid out fresh strawberries, lemon juice and sugar, chocolate spread, and a decanter of syrup that Sam is very partial to. 

‘Did you manage to sleep all right, dear?’ Jodi asks, standing behind Sabrina’s chair and carefully pulling out her ponytail and running her hands through the long hair fondly. ‘You’ve got such lovely long hair. Mine used to be this long too, but it was red and I’d never liked it much.’ 

‘I slept good, thank you so much Mrs Miller,’ Sabrina replies as Jodi reaches for her brush on the counter and combs through Sabrina’s hair carefully – she doesn’t pull on the tangles too hard like her own mother used to. If she closes her eyes very tightly and thinks very hard, she’s sure she can remember Lisa-Marie Montgomery, but the memories are blurry. ‘I’m really sorry to have imposed on everyone like this. I should have just gone to Haley’s’ 

‘Don’t be silly, Peaches,’ Kent tells her, waving his hand in the air. Sam grins but neither of them correct him on the nickname – Sabrina doesn’t mind, anyhow. ‘You’re welcome here whenever you need us.’ 

‘Sabrina should live here all the time,’ Vincent adds, wiping his sticky teddy on his pyjama bottoms and earning himself an exasperated facial expression from Jodi. ‘It would be cooler.’ 

‘Aw, well, I have a whole farm to take care of, but thanks for the kind offer, sweetie,’ Sabrina replies, trying not to choke up as Jodi brushes her hair in that tender, loving way that a mother does – she has never known what it’s really like to have a mother, so it’s a new experience. ‘That said, I’ll be out of commission for a bit, so if your boiler breaks, you might actually have to pay for an engineer.’ 

Sam looked up from his breakfast. ‘You’re having the surgery?’ 

‘Yeah. The insurance should cover it. I’m going in to have it in two days – better to get it over with, right? The surgeon is coming into town specially.’ Sabrina smiles tightly and adds in her head, I’ll be in the clinic for a week so I won’t have to see Electra and hopefully by the time I get home everything will have calmed down. 

Sam sighed and reached across the table for her hand. ‘I hope the surgery goes well, Peach.’ 

‘Yeah, me too. Would be a nuisance if it didn’t.’ 

Jodi is braiding her hair for her now, the way her sister used to do before school, because Dad had been pretty useless at hair, never getting the sections equal sizes and not tying the ribbons tight enough. Electra had been good at it, always bringing home star-shaped hair slides and lengths of matching ribbons for them, blue for her and pink for Sabrina. ‘Harvey said it’s a bit touch and go, but I trust his judgment.’ 

She missed the way things used to be with Electra. 

She kept eating, even though now she was beginning to feel a bit sick at the idea of having a part of her bowel cut out and the whole thing sewn back together. The surgery might even have side effects for a while, Harvey said – he even mentioned something about an ileostomy, the prospects of which sounded terrifying. She had managed to get this far without needing one, and she wasn’t prepared to have one now. 

‘You poor thing,’ Jodi tutted, patting her head after finishing the plait. ‘It sounds like a stressful surgery.’ 

‘It’ll be okay. I’ve had Crohn’s since I was little – my dad had it too. It’s just gets difficult to live with after a while,’ Sabrina replied, shrugging. ‘I’ve tried everything, and it started getting expensive. I tried all these biological medicines, but all the immunosuppressants aren’t really a good idea for someone who works on a farm and stuff, so Harvey said a resection was the only real way forward.’ 

Sam had been googling the symptoms the night before – it said ‘stomach aches and cramps’ which Sabrina had a lot, and she suffered from migraines too. It said, ‘diarrhoea that could come on quickly’ and blood when you went to the toilet. It also said tiredness and weight loss – Sabrina had been losing weight, her overalls hanging on her body, even though she was eating the normal amount, and she was forever falling asleep on him. She was always complaining about feeling sick and one time about a month ago Jack had taken her temperature and called Harvey, who instructed her to go on total bed rest. She hated the medicines that Harvey kept prescribing, saying she felt sick and tired, sometimes even being sick which scared Sam – so she kept going back. Harvey told her she had strictures in her intestine, and she needed to have surgery to remove the blockage before her treatment could properly continue. It sounded pretty horrific to him, and if this resection surgery was going to help her, then he wanted her to have it. 

There was a knock at the door. Jodi looked confused but went to answer it, pulling her dressing gown tighter round herself. 

‘I’m really sorry to bother you, Mrs Miller, but is Sabrina here?’ 

Sabrina looked up from the table as Jodi showed Haley in. She looked pale and afraid, her pink coat done up against the cold, snowflakes melting in her hair. ‘Brina? We got to go.’ 

‘What? Why?’ 

‘It’s Electra. I got a call from Penny, who got a call from Harvey, and I think – I think she’s in trouble.’ 

There was a long silence, in which Jodi bit her nails anxiously, Kent chewed awkwardly, and Haley looked at her friend pleadingly. 

‘Oh, for the love of God,’ Sabrina muttered, pulling herself up from the table. ‘I’ll get dressed. I’m so sorry, Mr and Mrs Miller.’ 

After she’d thrown on yesterdays’ overalls, she said a very hurried goodbye to the Miller family, Sam buttoning his jeans up as he shoved his feet into his trainers. ‘Sam?’ 

‘I’m coming with you,’ he told her, and he didn’t even look at his parents as they left the house. 

***

Sam doesn’t want to stare, but he can’t help it. Electra looks dreadful. Her face is white and gaunt, her blue-streaked hair is lank and greasy. She always was so much bigger than her little sister, but now tiny Sabrina looks twice her size. Electra doesn’t look like the bossy big sister without her tight jeans and pointy boots and outlined eyes. She looks like a kid, a tiny kid, sitting there shivering in a skimpy nightie, even younger than Vincent. 

‘Electra?’ Sabrina lets go of Sam’s hand and starts slowly walking over to her sister, and she looks frightened. Electra wiped the vomit from her chin and looked up, almost as if she was just as frightened. She looked guilty, like she was a child who had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. ‘Electra, what did you do?’ 

‘I’m sorry,’ Electra rasped, wiping her mouth again. Penny grabbed a blanket, the pink checked blanket that belonged to Sabrina and used to hang over the end of her bed in case she got cold in the night. She put it round Electra’s shoulders carefully, looking concerned. Her green eyes glanced up at the younger sister’s pinched face, as if she was scared that there would be another argument. 

She didn’t say anything, she just got down on her knees beside her. 

‘I’m sorry,’ Electra whispered again, hugging her knees and rocking backwards and forwards and sniffing loudly. ‘I’m sorry. I fucked up. Big time. I just need some time to figure shit out – get shit together – and then I’ll be back and I’ll be able to – y’know, work on the farm and all, but – but –’ 

‘It’s okay,’ Sabrina said, and she leaned over and put her arms around her. ‘It’s all right. You just need to get better, that’s all. Let’s just focus on that right now.’ 

Electra clung to her and sobbed. Sabrina just held her for a long time, stroking her dirty hair. The small downstairs bathroom in the farmhouse felt very claustrophobic all of a sudden, and Sam stepped back out of the door just a little. 

‘How long have you had her holed up here? All night?’ he asked Penny, trying not to look disgusted. After all, the place smelled like vomit and booze. ‘Why didn’t you take her to a hospital?’ 

He doesn’t want to be mean to Penny – he really doesn’t. But the whole thing seems extremely irresponsible and very out of character for her. In retrospect, it was probably actually Electra’s fault that she hadn’t gone to hospital, because she’d probably begged Penny not to take her, but Penny should have still taken her. Sam didn’t pretend to know much about drugs and overdoses, but what if Electra had died? She looked terrible even now. 

‘Yes, why didn’t you take her to a hospital?’ Sabrina asks, her voice suddenly harsh. Her arms are still round her sister, who is leaning into her, her shaky white hands clinging to her clothes. ‘She could have died, Penny!’ 

Penny looks stunned and offended. ‘She told me not to!’ 

Sabrina looks even more stunned and offended. She tightens her arms round Electra and Sam suddenly feels bad for initialising this attack on poor Penny. But Sabrina is right, she should have gone to a hospital. 

‘Penny, you don’t listen to her when she’s like this! If you weren’t going to take her to hospital, you should have either taken her to Harvey or you should have called me or Jack!’ 

‘Peach, it’s okay,’ Electra rasped, and Sam grabbed the glass of water on the table and knelt down in front of her, carefully helping to tip the water into the weak girl’s mouth. She swallowed the water gratefully, her skinny hand taking hold of Sam’s wrist for a moment, and squeezing gently. This was her way of saying thank you, and Sam just smiled back at her. ‘Penny didn’t know.’ 

‘Well, it’s not hard to guess when someone’s taken an overdose, is it?’ 

‘You don’t even like her half the time!’ Penny retorted, her cheeks very flushed. 

‘Yeah, maybe not, but she’s my fucking sister. And I would do anything for her, Penny. Fucking anything.’ Sabrina tightened her arms round Electra protectively. ‘We have to spray naloxone up her nose and then get her to Harvey, right now. It’s in the cabinet, Penny – it’s called Narcan. Sam, help me, will you?’ 

Sam felt very sad and very depressed as he easily lifted Electra into his arms and out of Penny’s tiny bedroom. It was scary to see her that way, especially someone that was always so fiery and full of life as she was. But now, as her arm hung limply, she seemed dead already, and Sam couldn’t help but feel frightened. 

‘I’m glad you got her to me,’ Harvey said, taking his glasses off and wiping them on his jacket before sliding them back onto his face. ‘I’ve got a drip on her to rehydrate her body right now. She’ll be all right, but…’ He lowered his voice slightly. ‘This isn’t the first time this has happened, is it?’ 

Sabrina shook her head. 

‘How did you know that this was an opioid overdose?’ 

‘Her pulse was weak, hard to find. Her lips were blue. Tiny pupils.’ 

Harvey looked almost impressed. ‘I see. I know it’s a very sensitive subject, but has Electra thought about getting some help? For her mental health, I mean. It has clearly gotten to a point where there could be no turning back. You even have naloxone in your medicine cabinet.’ He sighed and patted Sabrina’s shoulder. ‘I know it’s expensive, but maybe even a rehabilitation centre might be the best option. It would ensure she has the best environment to recover, to stay sober and avoid relapse. Three months of dedicated care at bare minimum would be needed for Electra to fully recover.’ 

Sabrina swallowed, then nodded firmly. ‘We have the money. When she’s home, we can talk about it.’ Penny was standing there just behind her, and Sabrina turned round to her, her hand on the redhead’s shoulder. ‘Hey. I didn’t mean to get mad. I know you were trying to help her. But handling Electra is a full-time job sometimes. Some really bad shit has happened before.’ 

Penny nods, her face tearstained. ‘I know. I get it now. I didn’t mean to put her in danger. I only wanted to look after her.’ 

Sabrina hugged Penny very tightly, who seemed very relieved. Jack came bursting into the clinic at this point, panting as if he’d been running. 

‘What happened? I got your text. Is Electra all right?’ 

Sabrina broke away from Penny and looked at her brother. He looked back at her, and he sank down onto a chair, his head in his hands. 

‘She did it again.’ His voice was flat, emotionless. ‘Didn’t she?’ 

Sam swallowed. ‘Not to seem irreverent, but does this happen often?’ 

Jack sighs, rubbing his face. He looks tired, more so than Sam’s ever seen him. ‘She’s had a bad drug habit for a while, though she’s usually all right. But put it this way – this isn’t the first time Electra has tried to – to kill herself.’ 

Sabrina can’t even bring herself to look at Sam. She wants to tell him that she’s sorry, for mixing him up in her stupid family drama and getting him involved in things he should never have had to involve himself in. Sam is too good, too pure, too bright for this shit. 

‘So, what do we do now?’ she asks her brother. Jack wants to scream, to kick something, to kill Electra himself. There was once a time when he, as the eldest, had all the answers, and now he has no idea about anyone or anything – was there anything to really be done about Electra, or would this horrible cycle just repeat itself until she actually died? There was never a moment when Jack wished his father was alive until now.


	20. The L-Word (Alex)

Sabrina tips the bottle back and takes a long swig, then pulls a face. ‘A lot of wine is gross, but it makes you drunk pretty quick.’ 

‘Beer is even grosser. Didn’t you say Jack kept vodka somewhere?’ Sam wrinkles his nose up at the taste of the beer. ‘He did say we could have some.’ 

‘That’s true. I’ll go and have a look in the liquor cabinet, okay?’ 

She comes back with a big bottle of Coke and the bottle of vodka. She mixes them into two mugs, Sam’s one a pink one that says, ‘I’m a Fucking Princess’ and hers one with Beatles album cover artwork. She hands it to him and raises her mug for a cheers. 

‘Sorry for the shit mugs. Anyway. To us,’ she says, and they clink mugs. 

‘To us.’ 

*** 

Jack sits on the sand, throwing flat stones towards the sea and watching them skim across the water. It’s dark now, and the tide is beginning to come out. He hugs his knees, not knowing what to say to the man sitting just a little less than a metre away from him. 

‘Sorry I haven’t been around much,’ he apologises eventually. ‘I just – you know, family politics and all that.’ 

He’s been cooped up in the house for a long time, because Electra is essentially on suicide watch for the moment, so its hard to get much work done, and Sabrina is very quietly and yet dutifully helping out at home, doing the cooking and cleaning and letting Electra have her meals in her bedroom as she always asks. He never quite knows what to say to her, because he’s promised for so long that things will change, that they’ll get better, but he has yet to deliver. 

‘It’s okay, Jack. It’s all been… a lot. I don’t know how you do it,’ Alex replies, glancing over at his boyfriend worriedly. 

‘Family, I guess,’ Jack confesses. ‘I don’t have anyone else.’ 

There’s a long silence between them, just the sound of the waves crashing up against the sand. The only light is coming from the moon and the tiny stars dotted over the dark sky, and the light in Willy’s cabin is still on, a warm yellow glow in what feels like a very harsh, cold night. 

‘You have me,’ Alex says quietly, unable to turn and face him, because for some reason it’s so embarrassing – he never expected to feel this way about anyone, girl or boy, especially not for someone like Jack. He’s big and confident and he seems almost bulletproof. He looks after his sisters and the farm and the animals and Alex, but there’s no one to look after him. Although, could the same be said for Sabrina? ‘I’m always here, you know.’ 

‘I know.’ Jack reaches over and grips Alex’s hand – he’s cold, but he doesn’t seem to feel it. ‘I know. I just don’t want to push it all on you.’ 

‘I don’t care. I want to be there for you.’ 

He smiles tightly. ‘I know. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.’ His fingers tighten. ‘I’m glad you’re here, Alexander.’ 

*** 

They drive away from Pelican Town in the dark, because they both need a break from that place. Sabrina is at home with Sam, and Electra is probably holed up in her room. Alex is allowed to drive the car, and pulls into a lay-by. He looks at Jack pointedly, who raises his dark eyebrows. 

‘I regret letting you drive. We’re in the car, Alex.’ 

‘Please?’ Alex begs, his hands ready to unbuckle his belt. ‘We’re in the middle of nowhere, and we’re alone, so we don’t have to worry about being too loud.’ 

Jack pauses. ‘Hmm. You make a good argument.’ 

‘Please?’ he asks again, more insistently this time. ‘I haven’t seen you in days, and I’ve just been thinking – thinking of this, of you, and I’m fucking desperate. Please.’ 

‘You haven’t rubbed one out?’ Jack asks, sitting back in his chair and licking his lips, a smirk spreading across his lips. He likes to watch Alex squirm, to let him beg. ‘That’s the way to deal with it.’ 

‘I have, idiot,’ he snaps back impatiently. ‘I did twice last night, and three times the day before. Can’t I catch some kind of break?’ 

Jack chuckles. ‘I think I’ve been giving into you too much, y’know.’ 

‘What the hell are you on about?’ 

‘You’re becoming spoiled.’ Jack seems to inspect his nails. ‘I always do the work for you, and I always do whatever you want, when you want. Brat.’ 

Alex’s eyes seem to flash. ‘Fine. Then we’ll both do the work today. Sound fair?’ 

‘Oh, I see. What exactly do you have in mind?’ Jack asks lazily, reaching down for the lever to tilt the seat back. 

‘Just push your seat back as far as you can. And pull your goddamn pants down.’ Alex unbuckles his belt and starts unbuttoning his jeans. He even slides off his shoes and socks. ‘Jackass,’ he mutters sullenly. 

‘I heard that.’ But he obliges, unbuckling too and pulling down his underpants to reveal that huge, thick cock that Alex finds himself thinking of at inappropriate moments like dinnertime. ‘I’m intrigued, Alexander.’ 

Alex huffs, lifting himself out of the driver’s seat and swinging one leg over his partner, straddling him. Jack’s large hands cup his ass and he barely gets time to breathe before Alex winds his arms round his neck, pulling him in for a kiss. It’s a clash of tongues and teeth and heavy breathing and short, abrupt moans. 

‘Take your shirt off,’ Alex pants, sliding his hands underneath the material and running his fingers along the unfairly toned stomach, and Jack chuckles and yanks it over his head, throwing it into the back of the car. 

‘Take yours off too, then, pretty boy,’ he gets in reply, and he helps Alex out of his shirt. They’re naked, they’re naked in a car on a lay-by in the middle of the night. It doesn’t get more thrilling than this, Alex thinks to himself as Jack tilts his head back for him and starts nibbling at his throat. Not when you’re from Pelican Town. ‘Fuck. You had the right idea about this.’ 

‘Obviously,’ he sighed breathlessly as Jack’s tongue traced his collarbone. ‘Fantasy fulfilment, right? At least, it is for me.’ 

It never seems to last long enough. Alex had never felt that good about himself in any kind of sexual context, especially when he’d realised that he liked boys, but now it was almost as if he needed it to survive – to feel Jack’s skin and warmth pressed up against his, his lips on his collarbone, his ragged breathing against his ear. It’s not just the physical feeling, the way he thought it’d be; it’s the intimacy, the tenderness, the relationship. It’s the fact that it’s Jack. That’s what matters. 

There’s no condom this time, so when Alex lowers himself onto Jack’s huge cock, the thick length pushing its way into his tight little hole, burning more than usual without the aid of lube – he can feel everything, and it makes him gasp in pleasure, the rawness of it all a little disconcerting at first, but then he realises that it’s actually good. He likes the pain, especially considering it’s well received by Jack – head lolling back against the car seat, eyes rolling back in his head, biting his lip so hard he draws blood. Jack hands are firm on his bare hips, letting him rise and fall at a steady pace. 

‘Is this good?’ Alex asks, allowing himself to adjust to the unfamiliar sensation of no lube, then he raises himself up, then down again – up, down, up, down, grinding his hips towards Jack, against him, hands on his broad shoulders. ‘Am I doing good?’ 

Jack seems to have lost grasp of the English language as he lets out a long, low groan. ‘Fuck – Alexander – this is fucking heaven.’ 

Alex grins and starts to try and quicken his pace a little – it’s a new position, and it’s difficult to keep himself elevated enough, but he leans his back against the dashboard to steady his body, because he’s shaking with the pleasure of it all, unable to stop a little moan escaping his lips when he pushes a little deeper, taking in more of that thick shaft, stretching himself further. 

‘I love you,’ Alex whimpers, arching his back. He feels Jack tense, his hands suddenly firm on him, and his eyes widen. Alex’s heart starts to hammer away in his chest, a cold dread coming over him – and then Jack kisses the hollow of his neck. 

‘I love you too,’ he replies, his fingers digging in. 

There's another groan and Jack's thrusting speeds up even more, the hand at his waist sliding over to encircle Alex’s neglected cock, jerking him almost too fast. ‘Come on then, sweetie. Come for me.’ And really, Alex feels like maybe those words shouldn't do what they do for him, but the undeniable rush he feels tells him otherwise. 

He comes swearing and screaming a mixture of Jack's name and the f-word, back arching almost painfully and his vision spotting with white dots. He barely hears the 'Good boy,' coming from the other man. 

Jack follows not far behind, his hips jerking upwards and come spilling out of the end of his cock, filling Alex’s ass and dripping all over the car seat. His hand slides away from the smaller boy’s throat and he closes his eyes, panting, as Alex splutters and coughs. 

‘Fuck. Fuck.’ Jack rakes a hand through his messy hair. ‘You really did a number on me there, Alexander.’ 

Alex massages his throat, coming down from his high, that adrenaline rush. Jack was a drug to him, and he was most certainly addicted now. ‘That was fucking good.’ 

They drive home in comfortable silence, the sound of the rain on the top of the car soothing. Every now and then Jack reaches over and squeezes his leg, or his hand, and it makes Alex’s heart glow more than it should. 

‘I love you,’ says Jack, out loud. 

‘I love you too,’ Alex replies, closing his eyes. 

*** 

‘Where should I put the dirty washing?’ Alex asked, coming into the kitchen. 

‘Oh, just in the basket over there, sweetheart,’ Jack replied absent-mindedly, waving his hand in the general direction. He was sitting with papers stacked all around him on the kitchen table, a big accounts book in front of him. He was frowning in concentration, reading long lists of amounts and numbers, his finger following the lines of writing. Alex stared. 

‘You have glasses?’ 

Jack looked up, taking them off and rubbing the bridge of his nose self-consciously. ‘Uh, yeah. Only for reading. I hate them too.’ 

‘What? I didn’t say I hated them at all! Put them back on,’ Alex commanded, still staring. ‘You look hot.’ 

Jack slid them back onto his face obediently, chuckling, but shook his head. ‘You don’t need to humour me, Alex.’ 

‘Are you taking the piss? I’m mad you haven’t fucked me wearing those yet.’ 

‘Just go and fuck already,’ Sabrina says, bustling into the kitchen with dirty crockery. ‘Electra’s been hoarding cups in her room again. Hello, Alex,’ she says, dumping said mugs in the kitchen sink. ‘How’s your grandparents?’ 

_Still blissfully ignorant to the fact I’m extremely gay,_ he says in his head, and then out loud, ‘They’re good. How’s Electra?’ 

‘Oh, who knows.’ Sabrina waves her hand in the air. ‘I’m trying to get through to her, but… well, welcome to my life, I guess.’ 

Jack gets up to go to the toilet, and as soon as he’s out of earshot, Sabrina asks, ‘Have you told them about Jack yet?’ 

Oh, boy. Alex rubs his face. ‘Um… no. Not yet.’ 

‘It’s gotta be tough, but…’ her eyes flick towards the door, as if she’s waiting for Jack. ‘He deserves to be more than someone’s secret, Alex.’ 

He stares at her. ‘What? I don’t – that’s not what I mean to do.’ 

She looks into his eyes, and he sees a very concerned sister, who is stretched so thin that she doesn’t quite know what she should do or say. ‘I know. But he’s more fragile than you think he is. He loves you, Alex. So don’t let him down, okay?’


	21. 21. Secret (Alex)

Sabrina came into the kitchen at last, to see her brother with his head in his hands. When he heard her, he looked up and wiped his eyes. 

‘Hey, you,’ she said quietly. 

‘Hello, you.’ He sighed, looking exhausted and depressed, the post-war version of Jack that she’d hoped to never see again. 

‘Thanks for being there. And for still sticking up for me.’ 

He looked surprised that she’d heard him. ‘It’s all right, Peach. She’s fragile but she was still in the wrong and you know it.’ 

Sabrina thought of her sister, her leather jacket and her scowl and blue streaks. She had been the one to help Electra dye those streaks in the first place a few years ago and remembered carefully bleaching strips of that jet-black hair in their bathroom back at home, the older sister sitting on the toilet seat patiently with a towel round her shoulders. Things seemed much better all that time ago, when Electra would sneak her into parties and their father was still alive, smoking in his chair by the window and reading his big leather-bound books about philosophy and lost civilisations. 

‘Jack… Electra isn’t really going to leave, is she?’ Sabrina asked fearfully. ‘I mean, she’s a pain in the arse, but she’s still our sister.’ 

Jack groaned and his eyes filled with tears. ‘I promised Dad I’d look after you both. He trusted me and look what happened. I come home fucked up from the war and Electra’s running wild and you didn’t get to go to college. I’ve let you down, girlie, haven’t I?’ 

She couldn’t bear to see Jack cry in such a dejected manner. She walked round the table and put her arms round him. He was shaking. ‘Of course not. Electra’s just being difficult. She’s done this before. We just need to get her proper help.’ 

‘Yes, but she was my responsibility. I failed you both.’ He leans his head against his sister’s stomach. ‘But we’ll be all right, won’t we? I know you must want to just fuck off out of here and go to college – you were always so smart. You could still go, y’know. Dad must have left enough to cover the fees.’ He sobs. ‘I don’t know what I’d do if you left, though. It’s so fucking selfish but I can’t make it work without you. I’m not as strong as I used to be, Sabrina, not in my head. Not really.’ 

‘Don’t be silly, Jack. I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here with you – and Electra. We’ll make it work, Jack. Promise.’ 

Jack laughed despite the fact there were tears pouring down his face. ‘My big grown up Peach – it’s meant to be me looking after you, silly.’ 

‘We can take turns. Besides, Sam can look after me too. Though I think I’m quite good at looking after myself, really.’ She ran her fingers through Jack’s hair. ‘And all you lot. Even though I’m meant to be the baby of the family.’ 

‘You’re still my baby, missy. And God, you were a dreadful baby. You were premature, all purple and shrieking your head off. Tiny little thing, but the lungs of a wild bloody animal. God, you didn’t half bellow! And you were forever ill – jaundice and croup and all sorts. Dad would walk you up and down, up and down, and you’d yell and scream and wheeze and cry until he damn near chucked you out the window.’ He laughed again, harder this time, wiping his tears away. ‘Poor old Sabrina. Poor old Mum and Dad as well. They wasted their time – you only quietened down when I carried you, even though I was only eight when you were born. Electra was good with you too, actually, believe it or not.’ He reached up and poked the corners of her mouth into a smile. ‘Come on, where’s my smiley babe? Things will be all right, kid. They have to be. Like you said, we’ll make it work.’ 

*** 

Sabrina puts her overnight bag down on the floor of the surgery and perches on the end of the hospital bed. She looks up at Harvey, who is readying her anaesthesia. The surgeon has arrived specially from Grampleton, a tall thin man with greying hair who reminds her weirdly of Edward, except he certainly didn’t smoke, you could tell that much. ‘Can I say bye?’ 

‘You won’t be under for that long,’ the surgeon chuckles as he puts his gloves on. ‘It’s not the end, Miss Montgomery.’ 

Harvey sees her face and says, ‘Of course you can, Sabrina. Make it quick, though, dear.’ 

She nods and walks awkwardly to the door, wondering how much is showing under her hospital gown. She pokes her head round the door, where Jack and Sam are both waiting, both looking rather lost and awkward. 

‘You can go home, you know. Harvey will call you when I’m awake,’ she says, but Sam gets up, grabs her hand and kisses her fingers hurriedly. ‘I’m not dying, for crying out loud.’ 

‘Yeah, but being asleep and cut open and stuff sounds a bit scary. And I don’t want you to be scared, so…’ He looks as if he very much doesn’t want to let go. ‘I love you, Peach.’ 

***

‘Have you spoken to your grandparents yet? About this, about us?’ Jack asked. Alex could tell he was on edge now, and he couldn’t exactly blame him – it had been months now, months of sneaking around and different excuses as to why he was constantly staying the night at the farmhouse. ‘It’s becoming ridiculous now, Alex.’ 

The auburn-haired man shifted uneasily from one foot to the other. ‘I… I don’t know how,’ he tried lamely. 

Jack raked his hands through his hair. ‘I just brought a boy home to my old man. That’s how I did it.’ 

‘How did he take it?’ 

‘He took it well.’ Jack’s voice almost cracked – almost. ‘He was all normal and nice while the guy was there, and then afterwards he said, I know there’s a lot of things we don’t talk about, but I think we should start trying. It was – it was just fine. He told me, I don’t care if you’re with a man or a woman or anything in between, you’ll always be my Jack.’ He sighed heavily, looking up at the ceiling. ‘If there’s a heaven, he went there.’ 

‘See? You had a family from the city, parents who actually understood that shit! My old man – wherever he is, and I don’t care – he’d laugh at me and call me a fag or something and he’d beat the shit out of me. I don’t have people who understand.’ 

Jack sighs again and doesn’t speak for a while. He loves Alex, he’s sure of that – there’s still that rush in his head, that beat in his heart, when he sees him, but it doesn’t feel good, being a secret again. He wants to be able to go on dates, to hold hands in the town square, to attend the Flower Dance together… not this. He’s fed up of having to pretend to be ‘friends’ with Alex in the saloon and not reach for him in public. This isn’t fun anymore. 

Alex’s chest tightens. ‘Alexander, I am the last person who wants to rush you into this. I’m not into outing people until they’re ready. And I love you, I really do, but…’ he trails off, clasping his hands together and resting his chin on top of them. His dark eyes look sad, and Alex feels as if he can barely breathe. 

‘But?’ he asks shakily, not daring to look Jack in the eye. ‘But what?’ 

‘But I’m too old for this,’ he exclaims, exasperated. When Alex looks at him up close, really looks at him, Jack looks drawn and pale, dark shadows underneath his eyes. ‘I’m tired. I’m not going to be your secret, Alex.’ 

‘What?’   
They were so happy. They'd even said the L-word. What had changed so suddenly? 

‘I said, I won’t be your secret. I’ve been a secret before and it didn’t end well at all. It always ends with me getting hurt.’ That huge, handsome man seems to shrink back into himself before Alex’s very eyes, fists clenching, past insecurities rising from below the surface, threatening to break free. ‘It’s shit.’ 

‘I know, I know it’s annoying, but I just – I need more time,’ Alex insists, but Jack looks thoroughly exhausted. 

‘This isn’t a game, Alex. I have – I have baggage, all right? Serious baggage.’ That haunted look comes over his face again, those terrible memories floating into his line of vision, those faces, those screams – the brothers that he couldn’t save. ‘I have this place to take care of. And I have two sisters, one of which has an addiction problem that is threatening to tear the entire family apart, and the other – I’m trying to give her back at least a little bit of the childhood we all took away from her. I owe her that at least.’ Jack rubs his face tiredly, and Alex feels a twinge of guilt in his chest. He didn’t think how this might affect Sabrina. ‘I don’t want to force you into something you’re not ready for, but I need you to be honest with me. I have a lot on my plate right now, and I need some normality. I need someone who’s on the same level as me, okay?’ 

Alex wants to cry. This can’t be how it’s going to end. It can’t be the end – it just can’t be. Jack is a part of him, an extension of himself. He can’t imagine life without him now; he can’t go back to how it was before, he just can’t. He doesn’t just want Jack, he needs him. He needs him there, those strong arms to hold him when he wants to give up on it all, those fingers trailing across his scalp when that anxiety threatens to take over his body, the way it is now. But Jack is staring at him in a very hardened, determined way, shoulders hunched over as if he’s afraid of breaking down. 

‘Jack, don’t – don’t say it,’ Alex whispers, shaking his head in disbelief. ‘This can’t be over. I don’t want it to be.’ 

‘Neither do I,’ Jack replies, his voice wobbling. ‘But I know what I want, Alex – and you can’t give me that, can you?’ 

‘I just – I know what everyone’s going to say.’ Alex digs his fingers into his hair at the mere thought. He can see it now – Pierre and Caroline looking at him like they might catch something, telling Abigail not to get too close. Clint, Kent and Shane edging away from him in the saloon, pulling their pints with them. Robin and Demetrius not making eye contact. They’d all know Haley had lied about her relationship with him, and it would affect her too. The whispers, the stares, the rumours. And Evelyn and George – he can’t do that to his grandparents, he just can’t. All they have is their good reputation. His grandfather already couldn’t walk, what if he was completely shunned by the society that he’d spent his working years serving? What if his grandma couldn’t do the flower arranging in town anymore because no one wanted anything to do with her stupid gay grandson? 

‘What they’re going to say? Alex, are you ashamed of me?’ Jack asks, and the way he’s looking at him is enough to break Alex’s heart. 

Alex doesn’t answer. He doesn’t know what he can say that will change his mind. Jack shakes his head. ‘I can’t keep doing this. I need you to really think about what it is that you want to do. I just – I can’t.’ 

When the door shuts behind him, Alex looks over at Primrose Farm. Shortly it would be spring, and you would see fields of neatly arranged crops, chickens and ducks clucking and pecking around on the ground outside the coop, Patrick the horse tethered in his stable, the cows mooing away in the barn. This place was his safe haven, a place where he could be whoever he wanted to be, somewhere he didn’t have to hide. But now he’d lost it, he’d lost it all. He’d lost Jack, the one person he’d ever loved wholly and entirely, all because he was a coward. He didn’t blame him for breaking it off – how was it fair? How was any of it fair to the man that seemed to carry the whole world on his broad shoulders, and how was it fair to let him be weighed down even more by Alex’s childish problems? 

Alex Mullner sticks his hands in his pockets and walks away as quickly as possible, passing Marnie’s ranch in the forest, Jas playing with a skipping rope under the cherry tree. His heart ached, his chest felt too tight. He could feel his brow sweating even though everything around him was practically frozen and his breath formed into smoke in front of him, his hands trembling when he held them out in front of him. He felt as if he was going to either throw up, faint, or choke to death, or somehow all three at the same time. If Jack didn’t want him anymore, then who would? His dad had never wanted him, and perhaps his mom had been fed up before she’d passed away – had that been why? Had that been why she’d weakened so quickly and then just gone? Was Alex too much for her to handle? And did his grandparents even want him, or did they just have to put up with him because he had nowhere else to go? Why did he always have to mess things up? Primrose Farm could have been his escape, his future – but no, he had to screw it up, just like he screwed up that stupid fucking sports scholarship – 

‘Haley,’ he gasped, practically sinking down on the doorstep. It took a ridiculous amount of strength just to knock on the door. ‘Haley.’ 

Had he ruined her life too? Had she spent so much time dealing with his shit that she had no hope of finding an actual relationship herself? She hadn’t spoken to him as much recently as she used to… 

‘Alex? What on earth is going on?’ Haley stood over him, her pale brows knitted together in worry. ‘Come inside!’ 

He’d barely reached the kitchen before he started to cry, great heaving sobs that racked his whole aching body, his hands covering his face. He sank down on the tiled floor and he cried and cried and cried, and Haley held him, her blonde hair ticking his face, her head on top of his, a constant reminder that at least someone would always be there. 

***  
‘Oh, Alex,’ Haley sighed, patting his hair as he leaned his head on her shoulder. They were lying on the sofa and watching constant reruns of Friends. All he could think about was how Electra used to say how problematic Friends was now. ‘I’m sorry.’ 

‘It’s my fault,’ Alex whimpered, closing his eyes. ‘I did it. I lost him.’ 

‘Look, Alex…’ Haley paused for a moment, trying to think of the right words. ‘Look, I really, really understand why you wouldn’t want to come out, but once you’ve done it, wouldn’t it just be so much easier? Everyone would get over it eventually, wouldn’t they? And wouldn’t you just be free then? You could hold hands with Jack in public, and kiss in public, you could have a real relationship.’ 

‘I can’t.’ 

She lay her head back, looking up at the ceiling while Ross yelled, ‘We were on a break!’ on the television. ‘Alex, this is holding you back. This fear is going to keep holding you back if you don’t just conquer it. Maybe you could start with Evelyn and George first, and see how it goes?’ 

Alex buries his head into her shoulder. He knows, deep down, that Haley is right. This fear, this dread – it has always held him back. He wants to be accepted by society, but he wants Jack more. He looks up at her, blinking his sore eyes. 

‘Okay. Maybe there’s sense in what you’re saying.’ 

Haley grins. ‘Of course there is. And look, you can still take your time – Jack’s probably not really in the mood for a dramatic reunion right now, okay?’ 

‘What do you mean?’ 

She stares at him. ‘Well, he needs to get his house in order first. You didn’t hear?’ 

‘No.’ 

‘Everyone knows about it already, in true Pelican Town fashion. Electra had a massive overdose. They’re saying… well, I heard Harvey said opioid. So I think it’s really serious, honey,’ she says sympathetically as she sees Alex deflate. ‘And Brina just got wheeled into theatre for surgery. He’s under a lot of pressure right now.’ 

‘No wonder he couldn’t be bothered with my childish fucking bullshit,’ Alex groans, wanting to cry again. ‘I didn’t even ask after Sabrina. Yoba, Haley. I’ve been so selfish.’ 

‘Not selfish, but maybe it’s time to let all this go,’ his friend tells him gently, taking hold of his hands and looking him in the eye. ‘Let go, Alex. Just tell people. And look – it’s probably time I told you that I’m a little bit unconventional, too.’ Haley takes a deep breath and he looks into her blue eyes as she exhales slowly. ‘I don’t like boys. Or girls. I don’t like anyone. I’m… pretty much… I don’t know. I like being on my own.’ 

‘Oh.’ 

‘Yeah. I don’t exactly know the right word for it, I’m still learning about it myself. And fuck labels, anyway. But the thing is, people can’t know that until you out yourself,’ she says, smiling a little sadly. ‘I’ve held onto it because people think we’re “more than friends,” but I’d really like to let go too. I just didn’t want to force you before you were ready.’ 

Alex swallows. So, this is new. This is what he’s done to Haley, what he’s done to Jack. He’s forced everyone he cares about to live a lie, all because he can’t pluck up the courage to just come out and tell people the truth. He’s a coward. He’s a horrible person. How could he have done this to Haley, the one person who’d stuck by him throughout everything? She was still smiling at him, and it was clear she didn’t bear him any ill will, but he had finally had enough. This was over. He had to do it. He’d have to.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo this chapter is kind of a crazy/dramatic/ridiculous one, and I was inspired by an earlier season of Riverdale (sue me) for this one. Again just a lil warning for a suicide attempt (nothing genuinely graphic though). I hope you enjoy the ramblings of my 3am mind anyway!

‘Jack?’ Harvey looked up from his desk, surprised. Jack was never sick, but now he looked greasy-white, dark bruise-like shadows under his eyes, and he seemed to be shaking. ‘Jack, what can I do for you?’

‘Peach,’ Jack replied, seeming dazed. His eyes were very red like he’d been crying. ‘Peach – I mean, Sabrina. I need to see her.’

‘Well, she’s out of surgery, but she won’t be able to come home for about a week, I’m afraid, like I told you.’ Harvey glanced at the man in front of him in concern. ‘Is everything all right, Jack?’

‘Yes – no – I just need to see Peach. Is she okay? Did the operation work? Can I see her?’

Harvey put his pen down and took his glasses off, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He put them back on and sighed. ‘Well, yes, all right. There’s no telling if the operation has been successful yet, which is why I need to keep her under observation. But you can say hello to her, even though she’s still going to be a little groggy from the anaesthesia.’

Sabrina was lying in the hospital bed, her eyes closed and her dark hair fanned out over the pillow. She looked strange in the hospital gown, hooked up to an IV. Machines bleeped and buzzed around her, and Jack approached her with caution.

‘She looks _dead_.’

‘Well, she’s just had a part of her bowel cut out and stitched back together, so she won’t be feeling brilliant,’ Harvey replied a little sarcastically, raising his eyebrows. ‘I’ll give you a minute alone with her, all right?’

Jack sat down as quietly as possible on the chair by the bed, wincing as it squeaked under his weight. He very carefully took hold of her hand, which had some kind of needle stuck in it. ‘Hey, Peach. Sorry for turning up so quickly. I know you just got out of surgery. You don’t need to say anything – you really don’t. But I – you know I broke up with Alex and I just feel so fucking awful. I really love him, Peach. I really do.’ He squeezed his eyes shut as he bent his head over the bed, unable to stop the tears from leaking out. ‘Fuck’s sake. You just got cut open. What am I doing, talking about this shit?’

‘Idiot,’ Sabrina mutters, and Jack’s eyes open and he stares at her.

‘Peach?’

‘Of course I’m _listening_ ,’ she murmurs, wincing slightly. ‘I just can’t do much yet. Like Harvey said, I’ve just been cut open and sewn back up.’

‘Fuck’s sake, Sabrina. Are you feeling okay?’

‘I should do. I just feel a bit dizzy and weird. And what do you mean, you actually broke up with Alex? You two were obsessed with each other.’

Jack leans forward until his forehead leans against Sabrina’s hand, careful to mind her stomach area. ‘I know. We still are. I love him, kid. But I can’t keep doing all this secret sneaking about shit, I just can’t. I’ve got enough going on as it is.’

‘Mm. I do see that. Poor Jack,’ she sighs, her fingers just managing to touch his hair. ‘Poor, poor Jack. You can never catch a break, can you?’ She clears her throat. ‘Ugh, I wish Harvey would just give me some morphine. Look – it’ll work itself out, okay? I just know it. You guys are endgame.’

***

Alex sits at the table, his cookies in front of him, but he’s lost his appetite.

‘What was it you wanted to tell us, dear?’ Evelyn asks kindly, pushing his glass of milk towards him. George sits beside her, grumbling away about wanting to be able to watch television and what was all this about? She elbows him. ‘Shh, George. Alexander wants to talk to us.’

‘What is it, boy?’ George barks, reaching for his (secretly decaffeinated) coffee. ‘Spit it out.’

‘Um,’ Alex clears his throat and clenches his fists. _Say it_ , he tells himself. _Say it, you selfish prick. Say it so Haley can be free and you can have Jack, the way you so desperately want him_. ‘You know… you know the Montgomery siblings? The farmers?’

‘You’re not really involved with that cheeky slip of a girl?’ George asks sternly. ‘She’s still off galivanting with that blond Miller kid.’

‘No, Grandpa, for the last time – it wasn’t Sabrina that I was involved with,’ Alex says exasperatedly. ‘It was – it was Jack. The brother. I was involved with him. We were – together. For a while.’

Evelyn turns to him. ‘Well, what happened?’

He has to mentally shake himself. ‘What do you mean?’

‘You said all that in the past tense, dear.’ She chuckles and shakes her head. ‘You’re not “involved” anymore?’

‘No,’ Alex sniffed, wiping his nose with his hand. ‘No. He ended it with me because I – I wouldn’t tell you two about us. I wouldn’t come out. I was scared to tell you that I was – that I was _gay_.’

Evelyn smiles sadly. ‘I think we’ve always known, dear. And it doesn’t change the fact that you’re still our very precious grandson and we love you.’

Alex couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. ‘It doesn’t? You’re not mad?’

‘Of course not, dear. It’s nothing you can change, is it? So we must go on,’ she smiled, patting his hand with her one small, withered one. ‘I haven’t seen you so happy since you lost that scholarship, Alex. You must go and win that handsome man back, don’t you agree, George?’

His grandfather had been quiet until now. ‘Well, I can’t say I really understand it, boy, but it’s not for me to ask. The Montgomery lad is a fine young man, though, and you could do much worse than him.’

Evelyn chuckled. ‘I’ll say! You should never be ashamed of who you are, Alexander. And you certainly shouldn’t be ashamed of that handsome boy you were seeing!’

Alex didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He didn’t have any idea what he was supposed to say. They didn’t even care? Moreover, they _already knew?_ And he’d let Jack break up with him because he couldn’t pluck up the courage to be honest? The relief was wonderful, but the sheer stupidity of the situation still weighed down his shoulders. It had all been a little too much.

***

‘Hey, you,’ Haley smiled as she sat down on the chair beside the hospital bed. ‘I bet you’re fed up of having visitors now, right?’

‘Are you joking? I’m on my own in here and it’s driving me stir crazy. I’ve read all my books and Harvey won’t let me go on my phone properly because he says the screen is bad for my eyes,’ Sabrina huffs, pulling herself up and resting back on her pillows. ‘Electra hasn’t even come to see me yet, but I’m gonna assume that it’s because she literally overdosed a few days ago and she’s a bit embarrassed. She even discharged herself early, according to Harvey, even though he wanted to keep her in’

‘What a nightmare. I’m sorry, Peach.’

Sabrina shrugs. ‘It’ll work itself out. How’s Alex holding up?’

The blonde girl sighs as her phone goes off. ‘Not good, not good at all. One sec,’ she adds, as her phone starts ringing. ‘Huh. It’s Penny.’

As soon as she answers the phone, a cold feeling of dread settles in Sabrina’s already butchered stomach. She’s barely spoken to Penny in the last few weeks, but there’s only one reason why she’d be calling Haley, someone she barely knows. Something is wrong, it’s very wrong – that’s clear from the way Haley’s eyes are blue and frightened, the incoherent sobbing on the other end of the phone.

‘Penny – Penny, breathe! I can’t make out what you’re saying.’ But Sabrina has already heard that one word, that one name, and it’s unmistakeable – ‘ _Electra_.’

It’s happened numerous times over the years, and she’s always gotten there in time, but it doesn’t make it any less scary. It fills her with fear and she sits up straight, tucking her hair behind her ears. It’s time to play Saving Electra’s Life again, except there’s a few minor drawbacks.

‘Fuck’s sake.’ Sabrina looks down at herself, practically chained to a hospital bed. ‘This is _not_ a good time. Where the fuck is she?’

Sabrina grabs the phone and tries to call him multiple times but there’s no answer. Haley watches her tapping away, feeling helpless. ‘Well, Penny said something about the forest and the lake or… I don’t know, it didn’t make much sense. But it’s the middle of winter, it’s fucking freezing – the lake’s frozen over!’

Sabrina shakes her head, grabbing handfuls of her own hair in frustration. Years ago – a painful memory begins to surface, something that Electra tried to do a long time ago. ‘She’s strong enough to break that ice if she wants to – she wouldn’t last two seconds. Haley, you need to get to the farm _now_ , and you need to get my brother. Now!’ she commands, and before Haley can do anything she’s already flung the sheets back and she’s swinging her legs out of bed, wincing in pain.

‘Sabrina! What the hell are you doing?’ The blonde girl reaches for her, but her hands are batted away impatiently.

‘I need you to _listen to me_. You need to get to the farm, and if Jack isn’t there get Sam or Penny or whoever. Phone him, call him, whatever, and both of you meet me at the lake. I need to find Electra.’

Haley gets up, almost knocking over her chair in the process. ‘Shouldn’t I go to the lake? Sabrina, you literally had this surgery two days ago, _please_ get back in bed!’

‘No, go to the fucking farm! I’m much faster at running than you are.’ She rips the IV out of her arm and the needle out of her hand, unhooking herself and sliding her feet into her slippers. ‘ _Go_ , Haley!’

With one more worried glance, Haley hurries out of the clinic and towards the farm. Sabrina flings the door open, attracting the attention of Caroline and Jodi who are standing outside Pierre’s chatting. Harvey looks up from where he’s standing with them, and his face turns to thunder.

‘Sabrina – get back _inside!_ ’ he yells, but she’s already started running.

It hurts. Everything hurts like fucking hell. It feels like her stomach is on fire, but she just presses one hand very firmly against the stitched-up wound and keeps going. She races past the saloon, Haley’s house, Sam’s house, her arms and legs burning with the cold, her slippers soaked, hospital gown flying out behind her. She knows that it’s indecent as hell, the gown only tied up at the back by Harvey to spare her blushes after surgery, but it doesn’t matter one bit if it means she can save Electra’s life.

_‘I can’t do it anymore,’ Electra sobs, on her knees by the river that they used to play in as children. ‘I can’t keep doing this. It all hurts too much.’_

Her calf muscles are screaming at her to stop, her head still dizzy and swimming because the anaesthetic still hasn’t completely worn off, and she’s spent the last two days on complete bed rest, so she’s not exactly used to being horizontal yet. The icy wind whips her arms as she runs, holding onto the bandaged wound as tightly as she can, screwing her face up in determination and pain as she skids to a halt at the lake. She’s managed to save Electra a million times from herself, but this might be a level up.

Everything is white and cold, Sabrina’s least favourite way for things to be. It’s freezing, her entire body practically numb now, her fingers like icicles. She brushes her hair out of her face as she scours the vast lake for any sign of Electra –

And there it is. In the distance, a figure in black, hunched over, which can only be her leather jacket. Haley and Jack are still nowhere to be seen, so she starts running across the frozen lake, doing her best to ‘slide’ rather than slam her feet down, afraid if she uses too much force, her weight will cause the ice to crack. How thick even is it, and is Electra going to be able to break it on her own?

‘ _Electra!_ ’ she screams at her, rubbing her arms in a desperate attempt to create some kind of friction and therefore heat, but to no avail. It’s snowing now, and as she nears her sister she can see that she’s _hitting_ the ice with something, but it can’t be her hands because hands wouldn’t be able to make the thwacking sound that she can hear – and when she raises her hands above her head –

 _She has a hammer_.

‘ _Electra!_ ’ she yells again, her slippers beginning to weigh her down as they are essentially just sopping wet lumps of fur now, but she can’t go barefoot so she continues to drag herself across the ice, praying to Yoba or whoever exists to please, please, not let the ice break. ‘Electra – please – come back to the shore! Come _back!_ ’

Electra turns very slowly to face her, her eyes only half open, her face white as the snow beneath her. She’s just staring at her, clearly not registering anything she’s saying, but at least he’s facing her. Her lips are still blue; she looks like a ghost, dark hair flying around her face.

‘Electra – please – just come back to the shore, okay? Just come back here, come back to me!’ she screams desperately, holding her arms out to her. ‘It doesn’t matter what happened, okay? None of that matters. I’m still here. I’m still your sister and I still care. Just come back over here, okay? We’ll work it out together. Please, Electra, I love you.’

Electra sways, the hammer hanging in her hand, and she can see that she’s already managed to make a hole big enough for three Electra’s to jump through, and there are cracks surrounding that hole. All she has to do is get her away from that hole. There are tears running down her face, her blue-streaked hair blowing in the wind as she just seems to _hang_ there, and it’s more terrifying than anything Sabrina’s ever seen in her life. The urgency of the situation is brought back to light when she glances down at herself and sees red on the hospital gown.

‘Please? I’m _freezing_ , okay? I’ve just had surgery and I really need to get back to Harvey, I think these stitches are reopening themselves,’ she begs, waving her hands in front of her. ‘Please, Electra, come back over here. We can talk about this, you and me and Jack, and we’ll work it out.’ She knows she’s beginning to repeat herself now, but she can’t think of anything else to say. ‘Please?’

Electra looks a little more human now, reaching out to her with a free hand, slowly dragging her feet with her. ‘Yes, yes, that’s it! Come on Electra, it’s not far! You’re doing great!’

Her pale lips seem to twitch themselves into the ghost of a smile – before the ice breaks beneath her and he disappears from sight, and Sabrina is screaming and screaming, dropping to her knees and flinging snow out of the way, finding that by the time she’s managed to reach the big hole in the lake, Electra isn’t there.

But there’s a current, and it must be carrying Electra with it, so all she can do is follow it and hurl the powdered snow covering the lake’s surface away from herself so she can see through the ice. She’s crying, from the pain and the cold and her grazed knees and the fact that she can see that dark shape moving a little in front of her, so she scrambles across the frozen surface so she’s a few metres ahead of him, and his hammer is nowhere to be seen, so she grits her teeth, curls her hand up in a ball and just –

‘ _Fuck!_ ’

She’s sobbing now, but she punches again, and there’s a crack. She punches and punches, until there’s a snap that isn’t the ice, it’s her hand, but Electra is very swiftly going to be floating beneath her and she has to hurry, because she only has one chance before the weight of his clothes either drag her under or she drowns, or freezes, or whatever. She still can’t see Haley or her stupid brother, because where are they when you need them?

‘Fuck, fuck, _fuck!_ ’ Sabrina screams, punching and punching, every single cell in her hand – no her entire body – is on fire, blazing fire, and why is she so fucking _weak?_ Her hand is barely hanging on, blood is splattered over the ice, but then it _finally breaks_ and she plunges her good hand through into the sub-zero icy water, grabbing onto the collar of that fucking leather jacket and yanking as hard as she possibly can – but he’s being weighed down by all those clothes, and she weighs so much anyway that it’s impossible, and her broken, bleeding hand – her _dominant_ hand, for Yoba’s sake – isn’t really doing much. But she gets onto her knees and leans over the hole, pulling and pulling until something gives away and she manages to get his head above water.

‘ _Sabrina!_ ’

Jack comes sprinting across the ice and she yells, ‘ _Don’t!_ Your weight will crack the ice and we’ll go under!’

He slows, edging closer to her as she succeeds in dragging the top half of Electra’s body out of the water and he lands on the ice with a thud. She collapses next to her, her hand holding tightly onto the leather lapel, the pure exhaustion swallowing her whole.

***

It’s too bright.

That’s the first thing she thinks as she tries to open her sore eyes – it’s too bright, harsh and clinical and too goddamn _bright_. She aches everywhere. Her arm is tied neatly into a sling and she can’t move it – it’s encased in plaster. Her legs don’t seem to be working, either. Her sheets are white and crisp and they feel cold somehow, not like her bed at home with its pink flowery duvet and mattress made soft after being used for years.

‘Peach? Are you awake?’

She knows that voice. When she hears that voice she thinks of sunshine and maple bars and leftover pizza in the fridge, and sleepy kisses and snoring way too loud and –

‘Sam?’ she manages to whisper, her eyes opening a little wider.

‘Oh, Peach, thank Yoba for that,’ Sam breathes, scooting his chair closer to her, the metal scraping the ground unpleasantly, but she can smell his washing-powder-lavender-sugar smell and she exhales slowly. She feels warm fingers on her hand. ‘You are just – oh, for fuck’s sake, I love you.’

‘Love you,’ she murmurs groggily, as the door opens and two sets of footsteps follow. ‘Who the fuck’s that?’

‘Me, you silly, silly girl,’ Jack says shakily, covering his face with his hands. ‘Fuck, Peach, I thought you’d really gone and done it there.’

‘Gave us all a good fright,’ Harvey tuts, leaning over her and fiddling with machines and things over. ‘I’m surprised you’re already awake, considering how much trauma your poor body has endured.’

‘What happened?’ she asks, trying to sit up, but everything hurts too much, and one of her hands is trussed up in a load of plaster. ‘What the _hell_ happened? Am I _dead?_ ’

‘Oh, Sabrina, what are you like?’ Jack laughs unsteadily, sinking into a chair beside the bed. ‘What happened? _You_ happened, you crazy fucking kid.’

‘You saved young Miss Montgomery’s life,’ Harvey cut in from above. ‘I barely managed to catch up with Miss Hopkins and your brother here. I started after you the moment I saw you running off in your flipping hospital gown, but I’m afraid asthmatics don’t make very good sprinters.’ He sighed, the guilt evident in his voice. ‘Electra was very lucky that you ran after her, though you could have done some serious damage to yourself, young lady. What you did was extremely reckless – reckless, but brave.’

‘Is Electra going to be okay?’ she asks, ignoring the lecture. ‘She’s… she’s okay, right?’

‘She’s gonna be just fine, Peach,’ Jack tells her, reaching over to lay a cool hand on her forehead. ‘A bit cold and shaken up, but she’s going to be just fine. She’s embarrassed as hell, and anyway – it’s _you_ we’re worried about.’ Jack rakes a hand through his hair, rubbing his face. He’s white, with dark shadows under his eyes. ‘Harvey says you reopened your fucking stitches and you’ve smashed the fuck out of your hand. I don’t know what would have happened if…’ He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, putting his hands together in front of his face as if he’s praying. ‘My sisters are both insane.’

‘You also have superficial frostbite in your fingers, toes and very mildly on your cheeks,’ Harvey adds, noting things down on his clipboard. ‘As I said, you’re a very lucky girl. You will have to stay here for a week on top of the three nights you’ve had here so far, Sabrina.’

‘This is going to cost a fortune,’ Sabrina groans, squeezing her eyes shut.

‘We can afford it, kid,’ Jack tells her, pushing her bangs back from her face, the way their father used to. ‘We’ve got insurance now, remember.’

‘All’s well that ends well,’ Sabrina managed to say, bringing up her unbroken hand to shield her eyes from the severe clinic light. ‘Never mind.’

If there was any colour left in Jack’s face, it drains.

‘Fuck, Sabrina, I can’t… that wasn’t funny. You could have died.’

‘So could Electra! A broken hand is nothing compared to what she must have been going through at the time. She was trying to _kill_ herself. _Again._ ’

‘Rest assured, I will be speaking to Electra myself,’ Harvey assured her, laying a comforting hand on her shoulder. ‘I can’t say anymore without breaking the doctor-patient confidentiality agreement, but she’s in good hands. You focus on your own recovery, Miss Montgomery.’

‘I was really scared, Peach,’ Sam sniffs as Harvey bustles out of the room, nuzzling his face against her hand. ‘You have no idea how awful you looked when they brought you in. For fuck’s sake, Sabrina, I was really scared. I thought I was going to lose you. I thought you – you were-’ he pauses, swallowing hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. ‘Your hand was bleeding, so much and – I – I never thought I’d have to see this. I…’

‘Hey. I’m sorry,’ Sabrina tells him, and he nods, looking down at his lap. ‘But someone had to save Electra, didn’t they? What happened, anyway?’

‘Haley and Harvey gave her CPR,’ Jack sighs, shaking his head. ‘Haley was right on it, it was crazy. She’s in the waiting room now, with Alex, if you want to see them? Or do you want to sleep more?’

‘Yeah, go on.’ As her brother stands up, patting her bandaged hand gently, she says, ‘Oi, and work things out with Alex, will you? You guys are endgame, like I said. Talk to him.’

He grins sheepishly. ‘Yeah. I’ll be getting on that.’

Jack and Sam exit, replaced by a very pale Electra, remnants of last night’s makeup clearly still smudged around her eyes so she looks like a panda, and Haley looks drawn and her hair is tied up in a messy topknot, and she seems to be wearing her pyjamas. She lets Electra walk forward first, offering Sabrina a small, tired smile from behind her.

‘Peach?’

‘Hiya,’ Sabrina grins weakly, doing her best ‘finger-guns’ with her unbroken hand. Electra stares at her, blue eyes blinking, and then she bursts into tears. ‘Oh for the love of – I can’t be dealing with this from you as well!’

‘I thought you were _dead_ ,’ Electra howls, covering her face with her hands. ‘Jack had to carry you all the way back to the clinic because Harvey said an ambulance would take too long to get through the forest – and you were wrapped in Jack’s coat and you – you just looked _dead_ , Titch. I was so fucking scared. I thought that the last conversation we would ever have had would’ve been a stupid fucking argument and I just… fuck’s sake, Titch.’

‘I’m not dead, Electra.’ Sabrina sighs and smiles at her sister, her big immature dumb junkie sister that she wouldn’t trade for the world. ‘I’m gonna be okay.’

‘You saved my stupid life, for fuck’s sake,’ Electra sobs, sinking down onto the now vacated seat that Jack left. ‘I don’t deserve it. Why do you have to be such a hero all the time? Just like Dad – he was always rushing off to save some poor fucking soul.’

‘What can I say? It’s in my blood.’

‘Titch, look,’ Electra says seriously, wiping her eyes and smearing her mascara. Her nails are painted silver and bitten down to the quick. ‘I’m gonna sort my shit out, okay?’

Sabrina sits in silence for a moment. At last she says, ‘Electra, you promised that so many times. And look where it’s got us.’

‘No, I mean it this time. I’m – I’m gonna go away for a little while, okay?’ Electra sniffs, reaching for Sabrina’s unbroken hand. She looks scared, hunched over in her leather jacket, scooting closer to the bed. ‘I’m going to this… this rehab facility that old Doc Harvey told me about. It might be something like three months or so, he said, but I’ll go and get better and keep all the horrible stuff away from you guys, and then I’ll come back a new Electra.’

‘Don’t change too much. You better stay all grunge and gross,’ Sabrina told her, squeezing her sister’s hand tightly. ‘I’m going to really miss you, but it’s the right call.’

‘Yeah. I know. I’m gonna use Dad’s inheritance to pay for it.’ She gave her sister a watery smile. ‘I’m sorry, Titch.’

‘Don’t worry about it.’

‘No, I really – I really am. I haven’t been a good sister. I think when – when all that shit went down when we were kids, I just changed, and I wish I could go back and change it all, but I can’t. So I have to move forward.’ She nods and breathes in deeply. ‘I’m gonna be better, Titch. I swear.’

‘Well, I’m glad.’ Sabrina pulls on one of the blue streaks in her hair. ‘I am. What about Penny, though?’

Electra’s face fell a little. She swallowed. Sabrina immediately wished she’d waited until they were alone to ask her, but she waited as her sister managed to compose herself.

‘I don’t know, kid. I messed up with Penny, y’know. I put her through a lot of shit, and – and I’m not proud of that, but I think we’ll work through it. She’ll have time to think while I’m away and she’s still gonna live at the farm for a bit. You’ll look after her, right?’

‘Sure I will.’

‘Thanks, Titch. I have a lot that I need to apologise to you about but – maybe it’s not the right time.’ Haley was still waiting patiently there, hands folded in front of her. ‘I just want you to be able to have a bit of your childhood back if you can, okay?’

Sabrina nodded and smiled, but she wasn’t sure how she was meant to go backwards. Too much had happened these last few years, too much had happened to their family for her to be able to go back and be a kid again. She thought of her father dying in her arms, Jack screaming in the middle of the night, poor Electra’s blanched face as she hit the ice with a hammer. But then there was her brother’s laugh and her sister’s grin, Sam’s crooked smile and his blond cowlick that he was forever blowing out of his eyes. Maybe there was some hope, after all.

Haley sat down with them and patted Sabrina’s legs. ‘Alex is going to be fine, just so you know. It was a bit of a shock for his grandparents when he told them about everything, and they’ve actually been pretty good about it, even George. I mean, they already lost their daughter, so…’ Haley breathed in shallowly. ‘He’s staying with me and Emily for a bit, and Harvey’s going to refer him to someone who can help him work through his issues. Looks like everything’s looking up a bit, eh?’

Electra smiled and nodded. ‘Can I ask you one thing, Titch?’

‘Sure.’

‘You still love me, right?’

‘Obviously, you blue-haired prick.’

‘Great,’ Electra grinned, leaning in and kissing her sister’s forehead. ‘I’m gonna sort myself out and Jack and Alex will work things out – and then we’ll be a proper family, Titch, I promise.’ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and sorry it's all about family politics and drama at the moment! We will be back to the fluff and stuff we love soon, I PROMISE <3


	23. Tattoos and Reconciliation (Alex/Penny/Sam)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is mostly just wrapping everything up from last chapter, and also some Jack and Alex cuteness <3 enjoy!

Alex clutched Haley’s arm to hold himself up, both of them collapsing into giggles. ‘Fuck. You know what I always wanted to do?’

‘What?’

‘ _Get a fucking tattoo_ ,’ he announces, pointing at a shop named _Zuzu Ink_ , the letters glowing in neon lights, and grinning at his best friend. ‘Always wanted one.’

Haley burst out laughing, the vodka having finally gone to her head. ‘Wanna get one now?’

‘You fucking _bet_ ,’ Alex slurred. ‘I know what I wanna get, too!’

***

Jack opened the door and blinked in surprise. ‘Alexander. Hi.’

‘Hey,’ Alex said awkwardly, his hands in his pockets. ‘Can we… can we just talk?’

‘Sure,’ Jack replied, standing back from the door. ‘Come in. I meant to talk to you myself, but I wasn’t sure if you wanted me swinging by yours.’

Alex slides down onto a wooden kitchen chair across from the ridiculously handsome man that he _actually walked away from_. He wants to just jump on him – what was he thinking back then? He doesn’t look quite right, though; something seems to have shifted in him.

‘So, how are you holding up?’ Jack asks him, grabbing his cup of coffee from across the table. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah, I’m doing good. I mean, I came out,’ he sighs, not wanting to look Jack in the eye. He knows that he’s staring at the bandage round his forearm. ‘I, er, I feel a lot better about it now, though. Turns out I needed to do it a lot earlier, so you were right.’

Jack smiles. ‘Well, hey, I’m proud of you for doing that. I know it didn’t exactly go exactly as you planned, but… well, sometimes life likes to fuck us over like that.’

‘You’re telling me. Look, Jack, I… firstly, I’m just really sorry. About everything.’ Alex can feel that mental barricade slipping, the verbal diarrhoea about to begin pouring out. ‘About not coming out. About not telling anyone the truth about us. And about what I _did_ , to you, and – and Electra. I’m really sorry about her, I didn’t fucking think. I didn’t think about the fact she was ill and she wasn’t around. And Peach, I know she’s been so much and I – I get if she’s mad as fuck at me and I just hope she gets better because I do love her, and I still love _you_ and I can’t believe I fucking walked away from you that day – I was never ashamed of you, Jack, I was ashamed of _me_ , and now you can see why and –’

Jack held his hand up and Alex stopped talking, resting his hand against his forehead, shaking his head. What the fuck made him blurt all that out?

‘Okay, okay. Let’s do this in steps. Firstly, I’m not mad at you in the slightest. Sabrina chose to have that surgery, because it’s hopefully going to make her life a lot easier now. Electra has her own problems to work through, but that’s family business. And secondly, you don’t have to apologise to me for _anything_ , Alexander.’

‘What?’

Jack sniffs and rakes a hand through his hair. ‘I spoke to Haley. She told me that… she told me about the dark place you were in. I pushed you too hard into something you weren’t ready to do, and look what I – fuck’s _sake_ , Alex,’ he whispered shakily, rubbing his face with his hands. His eyes looked watery. ‘ _I’m_ the one who should be sorry.’

‘No – what – I didn’t _do_ anything to myself. And you had every right to be mad!’ Alex exclaims, slamming his hands down on the table. ‘You deserve more than to be someone’s secret!’

‘Yeah, maybe, but there were better ways to deal with it. I should have supported you, not broken up with you.’ Jack sighs, scratching the back of his neck. ‘Is there… anything else you came to say?’

Alex presses his lips together. How is he meant to bring this up? How is he meant to ask him to give him another chance and get back together with him without sounding like an absolute idiot?

‘Um… well… I wanted to ask if you’d give it another go. With me.’ Alex swallowed hard and saw Jack’s eyes widen in surprise. ‘I mean, I know I have to deal with a lot and get some help, and I know that you’ve got a lot going on, with Sabrina and Electra. But, er… well, drunk me and sober me aren’t friends anymore. I got a fucking tattoo, and, erm…’ He awkwardly slides the bandage down and watches Jack practically spit coffee everywhere.

‘Alexander, you _didn’t!_ ’ he gasps, hands over his mouth. ‘Fucking – what? You shouldn’t ever get people’s names tattooed on you! It’s bad luck!’

‘You’ve got _E_ and _S_ behind your ear!’ Alex retorts, but then sees Jack’s face and realises that ex-boyfriends and sisters are very different. _Very_ different. ‘Okay, okay, I get your point, but I was wasted. Like, _so_ wasted. Haley let me do it!’

‘I mean… it’s a good tattoo,’ Jack admits, leaning over the table to get a better look at his name in very fancy, curly writing scrawled over Alex’s forearm. ‘Looks good. I’m flattered, Alexander.’

Alex feels his face flushing and slides the bandage back over. ‘It was a fucking terrible idea, I’ll be honest. I can’t believe I did it. I thought you should see it first, though.’

Jack snorts. ‘It took balls, for sure.’

‘If you say so. More like Jack Daniel majorly fucked me over and if he was alive I would sue. Oh, and I am _never_ trying absinthe again.’ He shakes his head. ‘Bad.’

This earns him a chuckle from the dark-haired man. ‘I don’t know who convinced you to – well, most likely Haley. And look, to answer your question, I… I really want to give it another go with you, Alexander,’ he admits, looking at him in the eye. ‘I really do. I’ve missed you a lot. And I hope things could be different now that you’re out. But it means no secrets now. We have to be out – and proud about it.’

Alex doesn’t say anything, he just stands up and walks round the table and leaps into Jack’s lap, his arms locking round his neck and kissing him so forcefully that the chair nearly tips over, but he doesn’t care – all he needs is to feel him, to kiss him, to be against him, to know that he’s there, and that they’re back together. He twists his fingers into that dark hair and sighs into his mouth, because there’s nothing keeping them apart now. Not fear, not the judgmental attitudes of the adults around him – no, there was nothing between them but air.

*** 

‘I’m really, really sorry, Peach,’ Alex whispered, as he sat on the edge of Sabrina’s bed and stared at his hands in his lap. ‘I feel so – so fucking stupid. What I’ve been doing is stupid.’

‘Well, it was a little bit, but I’m not mad at you. And you don’t need to be sorry for me.’ Sabrina sits up in her bed, leaning against her pillows. There is a cast around her arm and her face is devoid of all makeup so she looks younger than ever. ‘I just hope you’re okay.’

Alex swallows. ‘I’m still sorry, though. I didn’t mean to put so much stress on you guys.’

‘It’s _okay_ , Alex. If anyone’s to blame for any extra stress it’s Electra, really. Anyway, apologise to Jack – he had to pay for all my extra medical bills.’

Well, that doesn’t make him feel any better, but she’s grinning and he realises that maybe it’s not so bad. He sighs and lies back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He likes Sabrina’s room – it’s a bit teenage and girly, but he likes all her photos stuck on the wall and the fact she hasn’t thrown out a lot of her old stuffed toys. He likes how he can feel comfortable around her, how he can say anything without her judging him. She’s straightforward and simple, and maybe it’s time Alex had someone like that in his life.

‘Again, I’m really sorry, Peach.’

‘I’m kidding, it’s really not a problem. You’re helping Jack on the farm and you’re ten times stronger than I am, so it all worked out fine in the end.’ She adjusts her cast. ‘All I care about is that you’re getting help, Alex. And also that you’re back together with my brother, because he was seriously depressed about the breakup.’

‘Which is sort of dumb, considering _he_ broke up with _me_.’ Alex snorts and Sabrina sniggers.

‘Right? He just watched reruns of _Brooklyn Nine-Nine_ and cried and ate crisps all day. That idiot. He always was a hopeless romantic, you know,’ she sighs and pushes her bangs back from her face. ‘But you’re… you’re doing okay, aren’t you? Did you speak to Harvey about maybe talking to someone?’

Alex lies there, blinking up at the ceiling. His palms rest down on the duvet. He thinks about before Sabrina had her surgery, and how she always wanted to know if he was coming to dinner in advance. He later learned that it was so she could run down to Willy’s shop before he closed up and headed to the saloon for the evening and buy a salmon from him, usually reduced because Willy had taken a shine to the ragtag farmers who had turned the town on its head.

‘I don’t really know how to explain it, but I can try,’ Alex tells her, pressing his hands down into the soft duvet a little. ‘It makes no sense, but before I came out, my… my homosexuality, I guess, just really seemed to hold me back. I was always so afraid of it, and that’s what made me depressed, I think. Then when I came out, it really overwhelmed me and I ended up doing something really stupid, but now… now I feel comfortable with it. Sure, there are still people who won’t be happy with it, but your brother and sister can live with it, so I can, too. And I just don’t really feel like I need any professional help right now, because I’m kinda chill right now. But if I do, I promise I’ll go and see Harvey.’

He turns his head towards her and smiles. She looks funny, sitting in bed in a big t-shirt and her hair tied up, not running around and causing trouble, fixing people’s boilers and putting her chestnut brown horse Patrick through his paces.

‘Okay. Well, I’m glad you’re doing good,’ Sabrina smiles back. ‘Please, though – I don’t think I could put myself through anything like this again. To be honest, I hope Electra knows I can’t put my hand through that again either!’

Alex sighed heavily. ‘I still don’t know how you managed to break that ice.’

‘Neither do I, quite honestly.’

‘Peach?’ He rubs his face with his hand. ‘Thanks, you know. For everything.’

‘Anytime.’

It had taken a while for him to realise that when she made his favourite dinners, she’d have to skin and gut the fish herself, and she’d still manage to grill it to perfection and the seasoning would be just right – seasoned with lemon and dill, the vegetables fried in butter. He thought of how she had to make hash browns from scratch in the morning, grating potato and onion and taking the time to dry them on kitchen towel, all the while yawning and hooking herself into her overalls, ready for a hard days’ work ahead of her.

‘So you have to stay in bed all day?’ he asks in disbelief.

Sabrina laughs and shakes her head. ‘Essentially, yeah. I have to just rest all the time, but Jack helps me into the living room during the day sometimes so I can watch TV, or if it’s really warm out I can sit on the steps while he and Electra work.’

‘Electra,’ Alex muses. ‘Is she… going away?’

‘Yeah. I think so.’ She leans her head back and exhales slowly. ‘It’s practically set in stone. She can’t go yet, because I need to be up and running first. But she’s going. Harvey found a place that’s in Zuzu and not too far away from us, so we’ll be able to visit her.’

‘Sabrina?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Thanks a lot, again. For everything.’ He swallows and tries to look her in the eye. ‘For being happy for me and Jack.’

Sabrina just laughs, adjusting the sling that holds her arm in place. ‘Anytime.’

*** 

‘Hello, dear.’ Penny smiles as she sits down carefully at the end of the bed. ‘Are you sure it’s okay for me to sit on the bed?’

‘Yeah, of course. It’s only a broken hand. And a surgical incision. Well, whatever.’ Sabrina rubs her cast wistfully, fed up with being an invalid by now. She looks up at Penny, who can’t quite meet her eye. ‘Penny? I know this is probably a very stupid question, but… how are you doing?’

Penny doesn’t answer straight away. Sabrina feels so, so sorry for the poor girl at the foot of the bed, tucking stray pieces of red hair behind her ears, eyes turned towards her lap, fingers restless. She wishes, in a way, that she had told her the truth about Electra a long time ago, but how was she meant to betray her sister? How was she meant to get involved in yet another aspect of Electra’s private life and come out unscathed? She’d done it for self-preservation, in the end, and look where it had got her. Why did Electra have to do this to herself all the time? When would she stop being so self-destructive?

‘I’m… well, I’ve been better,’ Penny admits, sighing heavily.

‘Yeah. I figured as much.’ Sabrina reaches for her glass of water. Coca-Cola is strictly forbidden while she is on bed rest, at Jack’s request. ‘Look, I’m sorry I never told you about it before. About her.’

‘No, I understand why you didn’t.’ She scratches her head. ‘I… the thing is, Sabrina, is I just – I just don’t know what to do. I feel terrible that she’s struggled with this, but I also wonder how much there is that I still don’t know about her.’

Sabrina deliberates for a moment. ‘You’re not the first person close to Electra that she’s screwed over. Which somehow makes it worse.’

Penny looks like she might cry. ‘I really don’t want to let her go, Sabrina.’

‘I don’t want you to either,’ she replies truthfully, not sure how much of this heartache she can take. Penny is the one thing that might have saved Electra, something pure and sweet and good in the midst of all the chaos. She could have been her salvation, but as usual Electra fucked it all up and lost everything because she just couldn’t kick her goddamn habit. ‘I really wish you would stay.’

‘She – she lied to me, Sabrina. About so much. About her, who she is, her past, _everything_. What am I meant to do now that I’ve had to accept such an ugly truth? She knows I can’t handle that – that kind of thing, and now I’m _stuck_.’ Penny hides her face in her hands. ‘I’m so stuck. Who even _is_ Electra?’

Sabrina thinks very hard about Electra, and who she is. Who she used to be, and who she has become, who she might be one day. ‘She’s complicated.’

‘You’re telling me!’ Penny snorts. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t see it before – the weird way she used to get sometimes, about Sam and you and… why do you even put up with it?’

The dark-haired girl shrugs. ‘Families aren’t perfect.’

‘That’s it? After all she’s done to you and your brother? Jack gave me a low down on her track record, and she’s filled in some of the blanks herself.’ Penny shakes her head.

‘Well, I guess it’s different for me. Electra’s crazy, and she’s done a lot of bad things. She abandoned our father, she stole money from Jack, she’s physically attacked me – but she also slashed the tires of a guy who cheated on me in high school, she made my packed lunches every day until I was old enough to do it myself, she helped me with my homework, and she braided my hair every morning after our mum left us.’

Sabrina takes a moment, remembering the day that Electra changed, the tears that streamed down her cheeks as Jack slammed his fist into the au pairs face over and over again – she had streaked her hair with blue, her face hardened, and she’d never looked back. That monster made Electra into a monster, turned her into something she wasn’t. The softness in her face had disappeared; the packed lunches and homework had become pills and vodka pretty quickly, so fast that even Dad hadn’t seen it coming.

‘Yeah. She’s insane. But she protected me my whole life, so now I’ll try and do the same for her.’ Sabrina shrugs again. ‘She’s my sister. We’re blood. We’re tied together, whether we like it or not.’

Penny offers her a bittersweet smile. ‘I know I would miss you very much. And I would miss Jack, and I would especially miss your sister. I really think you guys are my family – even if things aren’t perfect.’

‘Would you just give her until she leaves rehab? Maybe it would be better to talk to her then. And you can stay here for as long as you need to.’ It doesn’t need to be spoken out loud, but there’s clearly no way that Penny can go back to living with Pam in their broken-down old trailer again. She has barely spoken to her mother since she left, and although there are whispers all around town, she has managed to hold her head up high. ‘Besides, you belong here. With us.’

When Penny leaves, she turns once to look at the girl sitting up in bed and smiles.

‘I’d miss you too, Penny. You know I would.’

She thinks about Sabrina, the fiercely loyal sister, and wonders how she forgave Electra for everything she’d done – and she wonders if one day maybe, just maybe, she might be able to forgive Electra too. 

*** 

‘Hey, Peach.’ Sam eases himself onto the bed and rolls closer to her so he can kiss her. Then he lies beside her, looking up at her and smiling. ‘Missed you.’

‘Yeah, I missed you too.’

He runs his hands through his messy hair, shaking his head in disbelief. ‘It’s been a crazy few weeks, you know. Are you doing okay? Does everything still hurt?’

‘The hand’s okay. The stupid cut still aches like fuck, though.’ She groans impatiently and leans her head back. ‘I can’t wait until I’m better.’

‘Neither can I.’ He stretches his arms above his head and yawns. ‘I’m tired. This farm shit is hard work – but much, much better than stacking shelves. Speaking of which – I need to talk to you, Peach.’

‘Well, this can’t be good,’ Sabrina mutters, watching as he sits bolt upright and crosses his legs. This is one of those rare occasions where Sam wants to concentrate properly and he manages it, his blond eyebrows dipped seriously. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing! No, really,’ he insisted when he saw her facial expression change. ‘Look, I know this is a super stressful time for you, so we don’t have to talk about it right now, but – I spoke to Jack and Electra when you were in the clinic and, well,’ Sam breathes in deeply, reaching over to tuck her hair behind her ear. She blinks at him, because for once, she can’t read him. She has no predictions. ‘I want you to know that I’m really serious about us. I know I’m not serious about a lot of things, but I am about you.’

‘I – well, I’m really happy about that.’

‘Me too. And, well, I’m not really going anywhere in my life right now. I’m a wannabe rockstar, Sabrina. I work at Joja Mart, for fucks sake.’ He looked a little depressed now, his blue eyes sad, his shoulders slumped. Sabrina didn’t quite know where he was going with this, but she had to support him in the only way she knew how.

‘I used to work for Joja, thank you very much.’ She raised her dark eyebrows.

‘Yes, but a proper office job,’ Sam protested, sitting up again and looking at her properly. ‘Not stacking shelves with the village alcoholic. I’ve been a failure, Sabrina, face it. I’m a failure and I’m not worth it.’ He rubs his face with his hands, trying to untangle his thoughts. ‘My dad was right. Electra was right.’

‘That is _it_ ,’ Sabrina snapped, leaning forward and giving him a hard shove with her good hand. It came as such a surprise he almost fell onto his back, and she ignored the twinging wound. ‘I’ve had enough of this. Fair enough, your dad is well and truly fucked in the head – no offence, but do you really want to listen to Electra about life goals, Sam? She’s my sister and I love her, but she’s done more drugs than I count, and I’ve seen her drink more in one night than Shane does in a week. She has a long way to go before she can consider herself a respectable member of society. And I also know for a fact that you’ve been offered deals from agents, but it means you’d have to move to the city and you won’t leave Jodi and Vincent.’

Sam stared at her. ‘Mom told you that?’

‘Obviously.’

‘I didn’t know… I didn’t know that you’d find out,’ he said lamely. ‘I didn’t think she’d tell you. She shouldn’t have told you.’

‘Yes, she _should_ have! Stop giving up on everything you wanted just because you’re scared. Your mom can look after herself, you know. She’s a grown woman.’

‘I know! And I’m not _scared_ ,’ he said crossly, but Sabrina didn’t back down. She never backed down. That was why she was good for him – she wasn’t a coward, and she would always drag him back up when he was drowning. ‘I’m not scared,’ he said again, but it was almost as if he was trying to reassure himself.

‘Sam, it’s all right to be scared!’ She swallowed. She wasn’t allowed to be selfish; she knew that. ‘But I don’t want you to give up on what you want.’

‘But it’s _not_ what I want!’ he yelled finally. There was a long silence in which he was breathing heavily, and she just looked at him. It was strange, because it seemed that she didn’t know Sam as well as she thought she did, and she didn’t like that.

‘Sam, what is going _on_ with you?’ Sabrina asked, exasperated. ‘You’re all over the place. What _is_ it?’

He didn’t speak straight away, but when he did, he sounded as if he was trying to say the right things, speaking carefully and slowly. ‘Okay. I’m sorry. I’ve just been thinking about stuff recently. About the future – my future, our future. And I don’t think I quite know everything yet, but like I said, I’m not happy with how things have been up until now. But I spoke to Jack and Electra, and they said it was okay if – if, you know, I wanted to move in.’

Well, she wasn’t expecting that.

Sabrina’s dark eyes grew. ‘Here?’

‘Yeah. Here. If that’s okay. And that job, it’s so fucking draining – Jack said I could work here with him, take a cut of the profit or something. He said we’d work it out.’ He looked anxious, nibbling his lip. ‘What do you think?’

She beamed at him. ‘I think it’s the best idea I ever heard.’

Sabrina hooked her good arm round his neck and he kissed her, hands grabbing her face, momentarily forgetting that she was meant to be sick and delicate.

‘I love you, Peach.’

‘I love you too, idiot sunshine boy.’

Sam squeezed her tight. ‘I’m glad you’re happy about it, because, um… I already handed my notice in. At Joja Mart. I told Morris I was done.’

She burst out laughing, throwing her head back, bangs falling in her eyes. ‘You _did?_ ’

‘Yep.’ He grinned at her, kissing the end of her nose. ‘I mean, it’s two weeks’ notice, but that’s nothing. I can live with that – and I can’t wait to live here.’

If anyone had told Sabrina two years ago where her life would be now, she would have laughed in their faces. She eases her arm out of its sling and carefully loops it round Sam’s neck with the other. He is radiating sunshine right now, happier than she’s ever seen him in the time they have known each other, and it makes her feel pretty good that it’s about her. At last, things seemed to be looking up. 


End file.
